Friends of Bill W.

Originally Posted by LeftWriteFemme

Have you started to itch yet? I believe the feeling like crap and needing extra sleep is part of the healing process, but that doesn't make it feel any better. I sure hope this phase is short and you are feeling better soon! I know you don't eat sweets and I'm not suggestion that you start, but making unsugared undutched coco, kind of like black coffee, is a local cure around here suggested to newcomers, it might be worth a try.....let me know what you think. I hope today is better than yesterday, my friend!

Ta ever so much for being so lovely.

Nope, no itching thank goodness; the headache and feeling a little bit crap is enough for now. I figured it was all just part of the whole re-jiggling of the inner balance of things. It appears that the unsweetened non dutched cocoa ain't so freely available here so I shall do a full search of resources available. I've found one place but it's rather expensive. I will keep you posted.

I've treated myself to a total pit pj day and don't feel half so bad as I did this morning/lunch-time. I have high hopes for a better day tomorrow as I'm going to take advantage of the free acupuncture session at ADS again.

Wishing you a wonderful day lovely girl

[RockOn]

So glad to read you went to meeting.

Your mind is probably still feeling fragmented. Since you have already been aquainted with meetings from your past, I feel certain you have heard what I am about to say ... Will say it anyway ... Try and focus on similarities and quit worrying about lack of modernization. HEH HEH! Alcoholism doesn't change. It's primary goal is to make our lives miserable and is overjoyed when it can bring death.

I have to tell you I chuckled a bit when I read your comment about "modern." I know you were being serious but it just struck me funny. I sat beside a woman tonight at our Women's meeting and she kept me going too. The things we come up with to say or notice can be quite entertaining at times. Go to meetings until you enjoy them. And then keep going. I was relieved to read you are surrounded by meetings. You know what you need to do.

It's the main thing.
Your friend,
Brock

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 13

NIGHT FLIGHT





The small log shape with large wings passed the windshield of my moving car without collision, due to meticulous calculation and correction in a night sky. Silent passage… swift and meaningful, the owl lives as it knows how. I was not born to the night, darkness not my given realm. I have inverted my senses and compensated for the moonlight. I pull my way through the air and hunt for my survival in a world of shadows. The morsels caught on the wing, snatches of conversations and lines from books, sustain me, give me strength to live in spite of the nocturnal bondage. I have made peace with the night. I am changed by my living and my living endures. The grace required to abide here is bestowed on me nightly. I wear it though it is not the prize I sought.


Write a letter home to you.

*
Whittle it Down


A famous sculptor mentioned
that he doesn’t so much create the objects
as remove the stone which doesn’t belong.

I have had the same experience with willingness.
Encased in the bedrock of my will
willingness had no opportunity to open doors.

Flaking away the extraneous
the key shape appears, rugged, blockish, rudimental.
As the tears stream down my face
and wrong thinking flies from my brain
the key is more finely formed.

As I wheedle at misconception
and haul bodily wrong action
the teeth of this thing show sharp in this day’s sun.

Many doors stand ajar,
at first those with basic tumblers,
but now even those with encrypted defense
are no match for the willingness,
which I wield with rapier wit.

The obvious blocks to progress open to me
as well as the subtle doors to untold destination,
I am let out of danger, released into possibility.

[RockOn]

Sherrie, you are such a gifted writer. You always amaze me and your dependability is good for me.

I love your February 12th post.

Originally Posted by Brock

So glad to read you went to meeting.

Your mind is probably still feeling fragmented. Since you have already been aquainted with meetings from your past, I feel certain you have heard what I am about to say ... Will say it anyway ... Try and focus on similarities and quit worrying about lack of modernization. HEH HEH! Alcoholism doesn't change. It's primary goal is to make our lives miserable and is overjoyed when it can bring death.

I have to tell you I chuckled a bit when I read your comment about "modern." I know you were being serious but it just struck me funny. I sat beside a woman tonight at our Women's meeting and she kept me going too. The things we come up with to say or notice can be quite entertaining at times. Go to meetings until you enjoy them. And then keep going. I was relieved to read you are surrounded by meetings. You know what you need to do.

It's the main thing.
Your friend,
Brock

Hey Brock

I was being very serious. I wonder why in the 28yrs since I started going to meetings why nothing has changed. Even the posters on the wall were from that era. I find that odd.

I understand alcoholism doesn't change either, however my attitude, with the help of my God (my faith is important to me and came long before this period of sobriety), has changed. I don't understand and never did all those years ago why the focus is on how to drink and not on recovery. The share from the top table was about what a greedy drinker she was and the dark place it took her and that in the just 9 months she'd been sober life had got better. Yeah I'm sure it has but how? Tell me that bit. I don't need advice on how to be a better drinker I'm already an expert. I want to talk about recovery. The other folks that shared from the room that night also shared how bad their drinking had been - it's almost like a competition for who was/is the worst drinker - and only ever said "and since I stopped my life got better" .......no-one says how it's improved and how they maintain it on a daily basis. That was always my issue and it's still there after just one meeting. I'm gutted!

I live in a small-ish provincial seaside town so the pool of sober folks is relatively small. I wish I lived close enough to a big city where there would be more people, options and meetings to explore.

My mind is indeed somewhat fragmented but it's also sharper that it's been in years which is causing me not a little conflict.

Thanks for your encouragement, I will do more meetings, I have to at least try a few more in the area to see if they're any different. If they're not I don't know what I'm going to do.

In friendship
Incubus

[RockOn]

Incubus, I know exactly what you are talking about. It happens at times at every meeting. I will seek another meeting if the one I have chosen does not, for the most part, stay in the solution. Just don't let it drive you away.

Seek 12/12 (Step Meetings). Your sponsor will be kicking you into the steps along about now ... That will take your mind off these unsatisfactory meetings plus, the relief is in those steps. Try and focus on that until you can find a homegroup. Get involved and in the middle - you cannot fall off the edge if you are in the center of it because the people surrounding you will notice quicker when you need extra help and hold you up when necessary. They have done that for me. They will do it for you too. That is, to me, what it is all about. It's a "WE" program. We do not have to be alone.

Originally Posted by Brock

Incubus, I know exactly what you are talking about. It happens at times at every meeting. I will seek another meeting if the one I have chosen does not, for the most part, stay in the solution. Just don't let it drive you away.

Seek 12/12 (Step Meetings). Your sponsor will be kicking you into the steps along about now ... That will take your mind off these unsatisfactory meetings plus, the relief is in those steps. Try and focus on that until you can find a homegroup. Get involved and in the middle - you cannot fall off the edge if you are in the center of it because the people surrounding you will notice quicker when you need extra help and hold you up when necessary. They have done that for me. They will do it for you too. That is, to me, what it is all about. It's a "WE" program. We do not have to be alone.

Day 15...

...Cheers Brock. Yanno I don't feel alone no matter what. I have faith in my heart and that gives me much comfort...Infact I think church is going to bring me more comfort than what I'm seeing at meetings. I know, I know that's like high treason in AA.

In all the listings I can't find a Step meeting or a Big Book meeting that's do-able sadly. I still have a hope that I'll be able to find a home meeting, even one that doesn't meet all my needs. Just meeting some of them would be good. I aim to try a meeting a little out of town this later this week...it's a hilly bike ride (not so easy with lung disease) to get to it but it could well be worth it. Who knows?!

In friendship
Incubus

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 14

TRAVELING PICTURES




I parked next to a beaten little import. The well of the passenger’s side was filled with empty sport-drink bottles and cans from soda. The dashboard was a shrine: three taped photographs, one of a young man and young woman, one of the young woman and an older woman, one of the young woman and an enormous marble statue. There were small carved objects affixed to the dash: jade and soapstone figures, beads and a feather. The sanctuary in my head is decked out in a similar manner. Post card pictures line my mind: people I love, trips I took, pets long gone. The road signs of my journey stand as exhibits of a tour of duty not always to my liking but nothing I would trade. I know clearly where I have been, and study the map to prepare for the future. Escapades and loved ones, trinkets strung on my lifeline give texture, flavor and flash to my pilgrimage.


Think of fish and dream of birds.



*
Progressive Fourth


All I can do is stand on the grass
and count the shutters, the windows, the doors.
At first I cannot approach to inspect any closer than that.

Time passes and the other steps work me.
I peer through the windows the next time
and count the stuffs I can glimpse through the glass.

I possess no periscopic vision,
but what is in plain sight I reckon.
Subsequently I wished to exteriorize
and draw the inventory of the house
out onto the lawn and tally there.

Wishing to avoid that interior life,
the poisoned vixen who haunted there.
Time passed and she recovered as did I,

Into the house I went.
I am now able not only to number my possessions
I can assess the flow and function,
work patterns, interplay, reliability.

I have now appraised not just the what,
but the how of my life
and progress into tomorrow.

[RockOn]

Here's my take, my opinion on your last post.

Incubus, it is great if you want to go to church, nothing in the world wrong with that. In addition, it is not a violation to do both church and recovery. Lots of people do it.

This part is how I see it. I need to be around others in recovery to get and stay "right-sized." Working steps with a sponsor, "cleaning house" ... Identifying both my good and unsavory characteristics ... Keep the good stuff about me, do amends except when harmful to others and continue to work to improve/correct those selfish behaviors I integrated into my personality as a selfish, egotistical drunk. That is what I became and I did not realize it. Church people are not wired the same as I am (at least the non-alcoholic ones) so hard as they try and with all the best intentions, they really don't know f*ck about what is wrong with me ... and therefore, are unable to help me.

I still behave inappropriately at times but overall, I am a great deal better than I was before a sponsor pointed out the glaring defects she noticed when we did step work. Oh, that was some tough love! I hated hearing all about that. I was many times genuinely pissed off about it. Today, that tough love helps me to grow, even when terribly painful. For this, I am eternally thankful.

Incubus, I have no idea. I only know what has worked and continues to work for me. Perhaps you will find a tough love person in church who will kick your seat hard enough to help you. I wish you the very best with that. Let me know how it works out for you.

Best wishes. Sending prayers to the Good Spirit that you make it!
Your friend,
Brock