Dating women with children, any thoughts?

DeviantDaddy · 03-14-2012, 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by J. Mason

Anyone else out there that date women with children, teens or adult kids? Do their children accept you or have there been any problems? I ask due to finding myself possibly wanting to be with a woman who has kids, I am just asking for stories or experiences from others as opinions.

Why yes, I am dating a woman with amazing children. When I spent my first weekend with my kitten, I was a bit worried about her boys' acceptance and understanding of me. Prior to meeting me, kitten's dating history had been with cis-men. In addition to that, she hadn't brought home a man in years because her children are her most prized, cherished and protected loves in her life. So it was a very big moment for us both. We had spoken on the phone so there was some connection and interaction between us.

She arranged for the boys to spend the first night with family so that she and I may have some privacy. However, the next day we were up early and headed out to pick them up. I remember us pulling up and seeing them playing in the yard just rough housing like boys do. We stepped out of the car and as I shut my door they turned to see us. And they both came running towards me and greeted me by calling my name out and giving me huge hugs... as in running towards me and both boys jumping on me... chuckles.

It was an absolutely amazing feeling, I could not help but glance over at my kitten and smile. Which only warmed my heart further by seeing the bright smile on her face.

The boys have accepted me fully, which is amazing given the fact that they were eleven and nine years old when I came into their lives. They address me as he and "the man of the house" when I am there. The connection we have is rather wonderful and truly a gift. I have always been family oriented, I have a very good relationship with my family. Of course, this has resulted in my desire to have a family of my own, and my kitten's open invitation into her life along with the boys' open hearts has truly made me feel as though I was welcomed home. The boys are now thirteen and twelve and the connection has not wavered. As a matter of fact, the relationship with the oldest has grown stronger. I have a different relationship with each one due to their very different personalities yet I love them unconditionally. Last time I was there, kitten was preparing dinner and noticed none of us where to be found. Only to find the three of us in their bedroom playing video games... chuckles.

It is amazing to come into a family and be welcomed. However there are certain struggles and obstacles that you must consider when doing so. As Lady Snow mentioned on the first page - first and foremost you need to be certain that you like children and want them in your life. Otherwise, don't bother. Ultimately you are not only going to hurt the lady but the children as well. The second thing I feel is incredibly important is sharing the same philosophies in life and the same ideas when it comes to raising children. Otherwise, there will be times when you may ultimately feel like an outsider when you believe the children should be disciplined (or not) and their mother feels differently. Ultimately, they are her children, and that is a line I would never overstep.

And another big thing to always keep in mind is the fact that you will not come before the children, nor should you even try to. In my opinion anyway. Were I to meet a woman who put me before her children I would lose interest immediately.

Such has been my experience and my thoughts on the matter.

Heavenleahangel · 03-14-2012, 05:13 PM

I'd like to add my 2 cents if I may here. I totally agree with you, DD, about your post and what Lady Snow posted about her experience. Children are a blessing and can add a wealth of happiness and love to any family and I would like to show my side of the coin as being a parent.
Five years ago I was given the opportunity to adopt a newborn son, which I jumped at the chance without hesitation. As the months of the pregnancy progressed, I thought long and hard about the repercussions of having a newborn, how my life would change and what it would mean to parent all over again. (At the time, my bio daughters were 19 and almost 18!) Some of my friends warned me that I would remain single, but I never doubted my decision, thus Jacob was *mine.*
As he grew-and I talk about this like he is grown already when he isn't even 5 until June-and I started realizing I am raising him alone, I got scared, hell I was terrified, but nothing in this world could have been a better reassurance than hearing "mama" or "I wub boo" from my little man.
I never thought I would be raising him alone. I always thought I would meet someone and WE would be raising Jacob as a FAMILY, but so far, that hasn't happened. I truly believed I would marry and my partner would co-adopt. To some of the few I have contemplated a relationship with, the newness of a son and a family soon faded and the day to day life of having a child underfoot, finding a sitter to go anywhere that doesn't require an entourage of diaper bags, toys and kid-friendly food, and not being able to be spontaneous was a major down fall. And I also encountered the ones who were jealous of him and his dependance on me. I have been told by 2 people that they *love* me and want a life with *me* but they couldn't incorporate Jacob into the equation! (I'm a lady and won't tell you what I told them!)
All this being said, I am grateful everyday I have been given the gift of this precious little boy! He is a beautiful blue-eyed-blond~like ME~ and folks can't believe I didn't birth him. He is such a funny little charmer and brings immense happiness and laughter when he cracks that perfect little smile and the dimple on his chin bows out. I may not be able to teach him the things only a "Daddi" can teach him, but he is loved and so am I. If it so happens that I meet someone who can and will love the both of us and honor us by becoming a family with us, then we will be even more blessed. If not, then we will be loved by our chosen family and I'll build the best life for him that I possibly can.
Yes, it is hard sometimes. I won't lie and say it isn't a struggle and I have wondered if someone else could have provided him a better life. But at the end of the day, when I can tucking him into bed and he takes 10 minutes to tell me he loves me and give me my nite-nite kisses, I know there is NO WAY anyone else could love this boy better and *I* am the one blessed even on the days I don't feel worthy of such love!

DaddysKitten · 03-14-2012, 05:37 PM

Thank you, Daddy. (DeviantDaddy)

Everything he said is so very true. But I'd like to point out a few details that the 'story' can't possibly include given to the nature of the way my children were raised.

For one, my children were raised with a lesbian grandmother, in a 12 year marriage with her wife. So this is something fairly 'normal' for my children to be around, in a long term manner.

For two, despite the way I was raised by my mother, and what myself and my children have learned to accept given that situation, I have taken a very constant and active role, even before I entered into this relationship, with raising my children to accept people for who they are inside, and not outside.

Even having never been around transgenders before, I had raised my children with such morals and understanding, that they did, accept my lover with open arms, and even with full understanding of who he is, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Even to this day, to them he is 'he'. My oldest son, is always full of so much piss and vinegar, actually passes off the 'man of the house' title to Daddy. Even knowing that physically he is female. He accepts Daddy for who he is.

But the point I am getting to, is I don't want everyone to think this is the norm. Look at how children treat adults, other children, who are a bit overweight, or not as pretty, or not available to have the best clothes? This is a very rare mentality for children to possess. I am so very grateful I was able to instill it into my own.

You need to speak to her at length. How do her children feel? Do they even know or will this be a surprise? How accepting are they when they see gays or lesbians out in public? How accepting are they of other children?

A child who would point and laugh at another child, their peer, without any 'queer'ness about them, is not a child with enough understanding to handle this sort of situation, in my honest opinion.

So these things need to be addressed, for your, hers, and their well-being. And if they do come up with negative indicators, that still is not the end all be all. Hopefully she can teach them to be accepting, and it will be something they carry with them for the rest of their lives.

I wish you the very very best.

03-14-2012, 05:13 PM	#2
Heavenleahangel Member How Do You Identify?: OFOS Femme; Earth bound Angel and Babygirl; Preferred Pronoun?: She, Angel, as long as it's respectful Relationship Status: Waiting for the One who can complete me Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Albany, NY~but originally from Georgia Posts: 562 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,257 Thanked 2,069 Times in 468 Posts Rep Power: 18675554	I'd like to add my 2 cents if I may here. I totally agree with you, DD, about your post and what Lady Snow posted about her experience. Children are a blessing and can add a wealth of happiness and love to any family and I would like to show my side of the coin as being a parent. Five years ago I was given the opportunity to adopt a newborn son, which I jumped at the chance without hesitation. As the months of the pregnancy progressed, I thought long and hard about the repercussions of having a newborn, how my life would change and what it would mean to parent all over again. (At the time, my bio daughters were 19 and almost 18!) Some of my friends warned me that I would remain single, but I never doubted my decision, thus Jacob was mine. As he grew-and I talk about this like he is grown already when he isn't even 5 until June-and I started realizing I am raising him alone, I got scared, hell I was terrified, but nothing in this world could have been a better reassurance than hearing "mama" or "I wub boo" from my little man. I never thought I would be raising him alone. I always thought I would meet someone and WE would be raising Jacob as a FAMILY, but so far, that hasn't happened. I truly believed I would marry and my partner would co-adopt. To some of the few I have contemplated a relationship with, the newness of a son and a family soon faded and the day to day life of having a child underfoot, finding a sitter to go anywhere that doesn't require an entourage of diaper bags, toys and kid-friendly food, and not being able to be spontaneous was a major down fall. And I also encountered the ones who were jealous of him and his dependance on me. I have been told by 2 people that they love me and want a life with me but they couldn't incorporate Jacob into the equation! (I'm a lady and won't tell you what I told them!) All this being said, I am grateful everyday I have been given the gift of this precious little boy! He is a beautiful blue-eyed-blond~like ME~ and folks can't believe I didn't birth him. He is such a funny little charmer and brings immense happiness and laughter when he cracks that perfect little smile and the dimple on his chin bows out. I may not be able to teach him the things only a "Daddi" can teach him, but he is loved and so am I. If it so happens that I meet someone who can and will love the both of us and honor us by becoming a family with us, then we will be even more blessed. If not, then we will be loved by our chosen family and I'll build the best life for him that I possibly can. Yes, it is hard sometimes. I won't lie and say it isn't a struggle and I have wondered if someone else could have provided him a better life. But at the end of the day, when I can tucking him into bed and he takes 10 minutes to tell me he loves me and give me my nite-nite kisses, I know there is NO WAY anyone else could love this boy better and I am the one blessed even on the days I don't feel worthy of such love! __________________ Sweet Georgia Peach

03-14-2012, 05:37 PM	#3
DaddysKitten Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Claimed Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Norfolk, VA Posts: 47 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 60 Thanked 129 Times in 33 Posts Rep Power: 1656425	Thank you, Daddy. (DeviantDaddy) Everything he said is so very true. But I'd like to point out a few details that the 'story' can't possibly include given to the nature of the way my children were raised. For one, my children were raised with a lesbian grandmother, in a 12 year marriage with her wife. So this is something fairly 'normal' for my children to be around, in a long term manner. For two, despite the way I was raised by my mother, and what myself and my children have learned to accept given that situation, I have taken a very constant and active role, even before I entered into this relationship, with raising my children to accept people for who they are inside, and not outside. Even having never been around transgenders before, I had raised my children with such morals and understanding, that they did, accept my lover with open arms, and even with full understanding of who he is, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Even to this day, to them he is 'he'. My oldest son, is always full of so much piss and vinegar, actually passes off the 'man of the house' title to Daddy. Even knowing that physically he is female. He accepts Daddy for who he is. But the point I am getting to, is I don't want everyone to think this is the norm. Look at how children treat adults, other children, who are a bit overweight, or not as pretty, or not available to have the best clothes? This is a very rare mentality for children to possess. I am so very grateful I was able to instill it into my own. You need to speak to her at length. How do her children feel? Do they even know or will this be a surprise? How accepting are they when they see gays or lesbians out in public? How accepting are they of other children? A child who would point and laugh at another child, their peer, without any 'queer'ness about them, is not a child with enough understanding to handle this sort of situation, in my honest opinion. So these things need to be addressed, for your, hers, and their well-being. And if they do come up with negative indicators, that still is not the end all be all. Hopefully she can teach them to be accepting, and it will be something they carry with them for the rest of their lives. I wish you the very very best. __________________ Daddy's Sassy Kitten It is because of him, I exist.