Struggling to come to terms......

[Soft*Silver]

I love the idea, Strappie! I personally have been on an incredible journey of self discovery all of my life. I have labeled myself many things, and each time I grew into familiarity with the label I owned, I stretched further and found another. I am a lesbian but who is now with a male who was born male but desires to be female. I once was sure, completely sure, I could not be with a femme, yet the man (his choice of term) I am with is a femme. We are not heterosexual. We are in a Femme Lead lifestyle. I am so completely different than the heterosexual girl my parents assumed I was! And I am older...at 55 I have seen many changes in the LGBT community. The most significant change being the internet, and how it has greatly influenced us individuals and as a community in coming out and being comfortable with who we are. So yes, here on the Planet IS a wonderful place to start or join in, on the path of discovery and acceptance

[blush]

As in a late-bloomer thread? Awesome!

[Strappie]

So some things are that I think some would like to know is...

At what age did you start to come to terms with things (meaning started to think things were different and needed possibly a lifestyle change?).....

What was your situation at that time.... married or single

What gender were you with at that time...

What were some of the hard thought struggles...

[blush]

Originally Posted by Strappie

So some things are that I think some would like to know is...

At what age did you start to come to terms with things (meaning started to think things were different and needed possibly a lifestyle change?).....

What was your situation at that time.... married or single

What gender were you with at that time...

What were some of the hard thought struggles...

Great questions I'm going to ponder and answer later!

[Strappie]

What I also discovered in this article is that for the most part there is so much research and books about butch and transgenders but very little about feminine women. I guess I took it for granted. Again I was shocked to have read some of the struggles that they had gone through.

I know personally I have dated many fem women that came out late in life. I took it for granted that it was just natural for them to "come out" because it was easier for fem's then say a butch. I admit I am totally wrong.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by Strappie

So some things are that I think some would like to know is...

At what age did you start to come to terms with things (meaning started to think things were different and needed possibly a lifestyle change?).....

What was your situation at that time.... married or single

What gender were you with at that time...

What were some of the hard thought struggles...

GREAT thread!!! I do think it is a wonderful idea to put this out there in the world. I wish i had had ONE single person to hear me, to know what i was going through. We don't know who may stop by and who may find some comfort hearing a story similar to their own....


This one is two-fold for me. When i first knew and when i decided to do something about it....

I first thought something was different around age 6 when a little boy that girls just "swooned over" put his arm around me and i remember thinking "i wish you were a girl". I knew i was different then. I hid it and pushed it back and denied those feelings for a long, long time.

I married a bio male at 18 because that is what was expected. Shortly after had kids and lived a seemingly hetero life but i was just miserable. Spring forward 15 years....i put myself through school, worked full time doing so and took care of my boys. Six months after graduating college, i filed for divorce. He didn't really seem to mind cause we had turned into just a friendship for many years anyway. I knew i could no longer hide who i was at least to myself and i knew i deserved happiness like other people had. I wanted it, and i went for it.

There were some really dark times in that 15 years of hiding and many nights i went to sleep on the couch so lost crying into a pillow with little hope...so alone and so devastated that i couldn't find the strength to pull myself out of this situation that i knew was wrong for me.

This song, in particular, got me through it a LOT of days and nights. It was my anthem and gave me such strength. I would play it over and over and even sing it in the shower....

Major hugs to anyone going through bad times in their lives...please reach out to someone. MANY of us have been there...take a breath and HOLD ON!!!!!!

[Gráinne]

It was stories such as these that made me realize that I was gay, so I'm so thankful for this thread and I'll share .

I remember loving girls as early as kindergarten, but of course not in a sexual way. I first realized something was different at about 12 when all my friends went boy-crazy and I went girl-crazy, in a most non-platonic way! Instead of caring about getting a boyfriend, I developed serious crushes on one girl after another and wondered what it would be like to kiss them. I know I went through times when I was a boy in my core, and thought they were so lucky because they got to kiss girls.

I realize I sound really bad, but I used to subtly watch girls change in gym, just thinking their bodies were so beautiful. Boys-naah!

However, in that time and place, it never occurred to me to actually be gay. I remember in 1975, on a trip to San Francisco, my mother not allowing me to go to Haight-Ashbury because "that's where all the homosexuals live". I was quite literally growing up in the next suburb over from Leave It To Beaver Mayfield, Ohio.

That's what happened for a long, long time. When my friends asked who I "liked", I couldn't very well say, "You!" I had to brush it off, somehow, that I didn't really know anyone (true). I didn't have a boyfriend until college, all the while I was in love with a high school classmate who just happened to go to the same college I did.

At one point, I was in love with yet another friend and became an evangelical Christian! I'd heard a sermon that if you just prayed hard enough and turned your sins over to Jesus/God, then they would be taken off of you and forgiven. Well, I figured what I felt for women wasn't "right", so I prayed and prayed. I taught in China on what was really a missionary trip, but came back more of a Buddhist than a stronger Christian.

I married my fiance', while my friend whom I was in love with gave a reading at our wedding. I knew I didn't feel the same passion for my husband as I did my friend, but chalked that up to God keeping me chaste, virtuous, strong, and mature. I swear, that was my thinking at the time. Over 14 years, we somehow had our children but evolved into a sexless friendship for 8 of those years.

At 40 I was a moderator on a forum that didn't have anything to do with sexuality, but happened to have many lesbians on it. As we became close friends, and hearing their stories and feelings, I suddenly realized, "Shit! I'm supposed to be gay!" I immediately came out to my husband, who wasn't all that angry or even surprised. I think he'd suspected from day 1, and in fact had his own issues about sexuality. I came out to my best (platonic) friend, who said "I knew you were going to say that".

Most of my life, and all of my unsatisfying to terrible sex life suddenly made sense. It was more than just sleeping with someone; it changed how I approach all of life. I'm much more sensual now. I feel more comfortable in my skin. My home changed; even my faith changed (to Judaism with a splash of Buddhist).

And that's about it! I dated a woman I met on a website and she was the "first" time, which only confirmed my suspicions . I worried about the effect on my kids, but I think kids are more open about things now, and not naive. I haven't come right out and said "Mom's gay", preferring to leave it as a need-to-know thing, but sometimes I think they pick up on it and they are respectful in their language (no "That's so gay!")

I consider myself a work in progress and I'm not done "coming out". One day I'll find the right partner for me . Until then, I'm working on myself.

[Apocalipstic]

I always knew I was different, but being born on 1963 and growing up in Argentina with missionary parents, I was not exploded to much. lol.

At 12 I read my first book with a love scene and remember relating to the boy in the story more than the girl. I was flummoxed.

I had boyfriends but it never did much for me sexually and I decided I was frigid until at 21 a girl talked me into kissing her at a fraternity party. Electricity shot through me and from them on I knew. I had a boyfriend and a girlfriend both for a while, but ended up realizing I was a Lesbian. It was very hard and shocking being from my background. I walked away from everything I had been brought up to believe.

I really fought coming out as Femme. I resisted it for many years preferring to be "just me" and even at one point having a flat top and wearing men's clothes. I hated to be told I was not supposed to drive my car or pump my own gas since I was Femme. I hate being told I can't do something. I had way more resistance and contunue to for being Femme and dating Butches than I did for just being Lesbian. Somehow being Femme and looking like I sing Contemporary Christian music is wayyy more shocking than just fucking women. Lunatic Fringe. lol.

I was well into my 30's before the word Femme did not piss me off. I am still learning to be just me and ignore those people who would try to tell them how I should be.

[*Anya*]

What a really lovely thread!

I can remember back in New Jersey, younger than 8, playing house with my little girl-friends. I would always want to "practice kissing" with them.

I found myself in fairly frequent childhood sexual exploration with my little girl-friends-never the boys.

I was totally clueless about what it all meant but knew I liked it. I also knew, on some level that it was "wrong", that I should not be doing that with girls.

I did get busted by my mother once, still under age 10 and I think she was most upset about it being with a little girl. I clearly got the message that sex-play was wrong but even more wrong with another girl.

I got married at 18, mostly to escape my parents. It was not good. I was not sexually attracted to him and never had an orgasm with him.

After we split, in my mid-twenties I dated men and also had relationships with women. I told myself that I was bi because at the time, it felt to me that it was more hip and cool and stepping over that line to admit to myself that I really was a lesbian and to leave hetero privledge behind was just too terrifying for me to admit outloud to myself.

I continued to go through the motions with bio men and was still non-orgasmic with them.

I led this pretend sort of life, knowing something was missing, until I fell in love with my best friend.

I could no longer deny to myself who and what I really was.

There were costs: rejection by parents and two brothers for 15 years, loss of some of my so-called friends, dealing with my own two small children and their confusion about why I was kissing my girl-friend ("I love her in the same way Mrs. Smith loves Mr. Smith"), etc.

In spite of the difficulties involved in coming out and I do feel I almost come out on a daily basis as a femme: my life as a lesbian has filled in all of the blanks that I had felt were missing, such as the ability to truly connect emotionally, as well as physically, to be able to vulnerable with another and in general, to finally feel complete as a human being.

I have not looked back or regretted once that in spite of the pain and tears of finally being able to look in the mirror and admit to myself that I was gay, it was all worth it to feel truly alive and whole.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I always knew I was different, but being born on 1963 and growing up in Argentina with missionary parents, I was not exploded to much. lol.

At 12 I read my first book with a love scene and remember relating to the boy in the story more than the girl. I was flummoxed.

I had boyfriends but it never did much for me sexually and I decided I was frigid until at 21 a girl talked me into kissing her at a fraternity party. Electricity shot through me and from them on I knew. I had a boyfriend and a girlfriend both for a while, but ended up realizing I was a Lesbian. It was very hard and shocking being from my background. I walked away from everything I had been brought up to believe.

I really fought coming out as Femme. I resisted it for many years preferring to be "just me" and even at one point having a flat top and wearing men's clothes. I hated to be told I was not supposed to drive my car or pump my own gas since I was Femme. I hate being told I can't do something. I had way more resistance and contunue to for being Femme and dating Butches than I did for just being Lesbian. Somehow being Femme and looking like I sing Contemporary Christian music is wayyy more shocking than just fucking women. Lunatic Fringe. lol.

I was well into my 30's before the word Femme did not piss me off. I am still learning to be just me and ignore those people who would try to tell them how I should be.

Good LORD. Exposed, not exploded. lmao.

[MarineCorps1]

Originally Posted by guihong

At 40 I was a moderator on a forum that didn't have anything to do with sexuality, but happened to have many lesbians on it. As we became close friends, and hearing their stories and feelings, I suddenly realized, "Shit! I'm supposed to be gay!" I immediately came out to my husband, who wasn't all that angry or even surprised. I think he'd suspected from day 1, and in fact had his own issues about sexuality. I came out to my best (platonic) friend, who said "I knew you were going to say that".

I have to second this, when I finally came out, the few close friends I had and even my own mother ALL went, "yeah, I can see that." Which actually just made me feel more stupid - It was like everybody else knew it before me.

[Nat]

Originally Posted by Strappie

So some things are that I think some would like to know is...

At what age did you start to come to terms with things (meaning started to think things were different and needed possibly a lifestyle change?).....

What was your situation at that time.... married or single

What gender were you with at that time...

What were some of the hard thought struggles...

Hindsight is 20/20 it seems. I had a lot of clues from early on, but not enough to put my faith in for a long while. My mom tells me that the reason I got the "birds and the bees" talk was because I asked why Barbra Streisand and that girl couldn't just stay married in that movie Yentil. Looked like fun to me. Then my best friend in elementary school - she and I played this constant role-playing game for like 5 years. She played all the boy characters and I played all the girls. I remember once generously offering to play a boy character, and she said she preferred to play the boy - which was a relief. Last time I heard anything from/about her, she was straight and not gender-queer. But it was a fun time. I was still in elementary school the first time I dreamed I kissed someone - and in that dream I couldn't tell whether the person was a boy or a girl. In the summers, I remember kissing the television every time this one pretty girl came on the screen. I was sort of boy-crazy as a teen. But even in the midst of my most intense high school romance, I one day wrote a poem about a girl in my gym class. A poem - despite its lack of pronouns - I threw away rather than to examine what it meant that I wrote it. I'd have moments of overpowering attraction to a girl from time to time, but I would swallow it whole and put it to the back of my mind. In 10th grade, I realized I could get away with flirting with straight girls - that most didn't seem to mind it one bit. It felt far better to me than the weird competition straight girls do. My high school best friend and I had an open and silly flirtation for a long while. When she slept over at my house, she slept in my bed. When I slept over at hers, I slept on the floor or the love seat in her room. It was like this weird boundary that I just couldn't sleep in her bed without crossing some sort of line. After high school, I pretty much decided I was probably bisexual. My boyfriend from that time period encouraged that, and by the time he and I broke up I was almost sure I was gay. I came out to a few people. Then I met my ex-husband. I was 19. I was up-front with him about my orientation, but he seemed sort of like an exception to the rule. But eventually he wasn't. A few weeks before the wedding, I had a brush with reality that I chose to ignore. I didn't do anything, but it was just that I knew that I *would have* and that it probably wasn't so smart to be getting married. That was 12 years ago now. A few years later I developed a HUGE crush on a butch coworker. I managed to tamp that down with trouble. She just felt so right to me - just wow. I guess she was the first person I felt that specific butch-femme energy with. I felt like I was on fire for weeks. But somehow I killed it. It was weird during that time because I kept thinking my husband was a woman and having to correct my brain. She had just invaded my thoughts so much. But I still thought I was likely bisexual and even though I was attracted to her, I'd made a promise in a church that I had a mind to honor. Sometimes I'd go to gay bars just to watch the same-sex couples dance. It was this awesome relief. In summer of 2004, I went to England for a summer thing, and I ended up going to the Candy Bar a few times - my first lesbian bar. Walking in there just felt like home. If home were a packed loud bar full of british lesbians.

Anyway, the next fall, I found myself crushing on a whole new butch coworker and I realized the first one wasn't a fluke. I remember having dinner with my husband that fall for our anniversary and I felt physically ill because I just knew I couldn't hold up my end of the marriage. Within a few weeks I came out to him - told him I thought I was gay and not bi and that I had to leave him. That was a hard time - the first time I left didn't take. It took me until May of 2005 to leave him. And I think it was September of that year that I finally kissed a girl for the first time. I was terrified. I don't know why I was so terrified.

Some time between leaving my ex-husband and kissing my first woman - I looked into a mirror one day and saw a dyke looking back at me. I didn't think I had internalized homophobia - heck I loved gay people and felt left out around them. But when I saw myself in the mirror and actually saw myself that way - it was hard. When I identified as bisexual, the world was my oyster. I felt like everything was a choice. But, in that moment the world shifted - and I realized I didn't have the power to *choose* my sexuality and the sexuality I was born with was one that seemed to silence and invalidate me. I don't feel like that anymore, but in that moment I think I just felt the shift from straight privilege to not having it anymore.

Maybe I would have figured it out sooner if I'd been braver. Or if I'd known butches earlier. I guess things have turned out just fine. Coming out was fine. My parents have been quiet but supportive. I stumbled - am still stumbling around - in the romance department since coming out. And even since that day with the mirror, I've had a long debate with myself regarding my orientation and how I identify. Those questions are pretty well settled for me now. I'm so glad I don't have to go back and live those years over again, and I'm so glad I got out of my "straight" life. Things haven't been perfect since then, but I'm still happier than I was in that little prison I'd made for myself way back in that old life of mine.

ps. I wrote this during that time:

[Strappie]

Nat I could read anything you write. So well thought out and so well written. And the video ... AMAZING!!!

Thank you for sharing!!

[TruTexan]

Thank you for sharing your story nat. Beautifully written and great video too. I too could sit and read more of your posts. Thanks for that.

[Hollylane]

Originally Posted by Nat

ps. I wrote this during that time:

Perfection. You are amazing, and I truly appreciate you sharing this Nat.

[Nat]

Wow thanks y'all <3

[Queerasfck]

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by Queerasfck

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

Dear Buzz kill....

If this thread saves one LIFE because they feel like they have no place else to go but 6 feet under... then THANK YOU ALL FOR stepping forward and telling your story!!!

I personally have known many people that came online to research and read stories of others to take that journey of DISCOVERING who they are...

The answers this can give someone may lie in ONE post...

[blush]

Originally Posted by Queerasfck

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

This was not my experience at all. If you live in a small community or simply don't know where or how to find resources or people, online communities are a viable resource.

[Queerasfck]

Originally Posted by Strappie

Dear Buzz kill....

If this thread saves one LIFE because they feel like they have no place else to go but 6 feet under... then THANK YOU ALL FOR stepping forward and telling your story!!!

I personally have known many people that came online to research and read stories of others to take that journey of DISCOVERING who they are...

The answers this can give someone may lie in ONE post...

Maybe so Strappie, maybe so. All I'm saying is that it is possible that someone might need additional help and or support. That's all I meant. Definitely people here have stories to tell and there are many threads that have coming out stories in them. I also think sometimes it's just as therapeutic for us to tell our stories as it would be for some newbie to read it. I would think it's best to have a balance in the coming out process of an online community and the real time world if possible.

Originally Posted by blush

This was not my experience at all. If you live in a small community or simply don't know where or how to find resources or people, online communities are a viable resource.

Very good point Blush.