To Write Love on Her Arms

[Soft*Silver]

I have tears in my eyes as I read and respond to this...first, because I lost my brother to suicide due to severe depression and reading stories of those who battled with it just suck the breath right out of me, even 35 years later. You just dont know how much it hurts to be the one left behind...

and then the tears spill because this past year was one of my hardest years I ever got thru. I was SEVERELY suicidal most of last winter and early spring. Talk about losing everything...good god...everything, including my sobriety of 20 years. Lost my daughter who wouldnt speak to me because of the relapse. Lost any hope of living happily ever after. Lost my cord that kept me to this earth...yep...

small things pull us thru sometimes...it was my dog's dementia that kept me from pulling the trigger. She was so attached to me and so needy and so lost when I wasnt there for her. To kill myself would essentially be killing her. And I just couldnt do that to her. Sounds silly now, sounds like an excuse not to follow in my brother's footsteps (and suicide is often a family coping mechanism) and I am almost ashamed to say a dog saved my life...it sounds so..silly..

but it is what kept me here. And I called my sister one night, and she came over and I purged all of my suicidal thoughts of worthlessness and pain. And she wept hard...because I had called her BEFORE and she was not needing to do for me what she had done for my brother...(too graphic to tell here...)

Now I am sober over a year again. My daughter clings to me so glad I am home and alive. I have a wonderful guy in my life and we are building slowly. My health is shot but I am working on establishing some way I can feel worthwhile again in the mental health profession. And more importantly, I am grounded again...I see myself as a person worth living for. I love the title of it...To Write Love On Her Arms. I did subtle things to cue myself of my worth..I would paint my nails a new color every day so that when I looked at my colors, I would think of how much I loved myself and wanted to stay. My honey never knew this...we have a LDR...but he sent me dozens of polishes this summer. His love, with mine, pieced me back together again...

thanks, Mr Bently, for making this thread. For me. For all of us. Thank you.

[Deborah]

Originally Posted by softness

[B][COLOR="DarkRed"]
small things pull us thru sometimes...it was my dog's dementia that kept me from pulling the trigger. She was so attached to me and so needy and so lost when I wasnt there for her. To kill myself would essentially be killing her. And I just couldnt do that to her. Sounds silly now, sounds like an excuse not to follow in my brother's footsteps (and suicide is often a family coping mechanism) and I am almost ashamed to say a dog saved my life...it sounds so..silly..

Not silly at all...this makes so much sense to me it brings tears to my eyes....you have shown how strong and kind you are by staying here for those reasons...

[suebee]

Originally Posted by softness

I have tears in my eyes as I read and respond to this...first, because I lost my brother to suicide due to severe depression and reading stories of those who battled with it just suck the breath right out of me, even 35 years later. You just dont know how much it hurts to be the one left behind...

and then the tears spill because this past year was one of my hardest years I ever got thru. I was SEVERELY suicidal most of last winter and early spring. Talk about losing everything...good god...everything, including my sobriety of 20 years. Lost my daughter who wouldnt speak to me because of the relapse. Lost any hope of living happily ever after. Lost my cord that kept me to this earth...yep...

small things pull us thru sometimes...it was my dog's dementia that kept me from pulling the trigger. She was so attached to me and so needy and so lost when I wasnt there for her. To kill myself would essentially be killing her. And I just couldnt do that to her. Sounds silly now, sounds like an excuse not to follow in my brother's footsteps (and suicide is often a family coping mechanism) and I am almost ashamed to say a dog saved my life...it sounds so..silly..

but it is what kept me here. And I called my sister one night, and she came over and I purged all of my suicidal thoughts of worthlessness and pain. And she wept hard...because I had called her BEFORE and she was not needing to do for me what she had done for my brother...(too graphic to tell here...)

Now I am sober over a year again. My daughter clings to me so glad I am home and alive. I have a wonderful guy in my life and we are building slowly. My health is shot but I am working on establishing some way I can feel worthwhile again in the mental health profession. And more importantly, I am grounded again...I see myself as a person worth living for. I love the title of it...To Write Love On Her Arms. I did subtle things to cue myself of my worth..I would paint my nails a new color every day so that when I looked at my colors, I would think of how much I loved myself and wanted to stay. My honey never knew this...we have a LDR...but he sent me dozens of polishes this summer. His love, with mine, pieced me back together again...

thanks, Mr Bently, for making this thread. For me. For all of us. Thank you.

Softness. Your dog is not a silly excuse to hang on. We know that they need us, and that we'd be abandoning them if we leave. My animal companions are all that kept me hanging on for a couple of years where I had bouts of severe suicidal thoughts - sometimes for months at a time. A friend of mine who was a psychiatric nurse once sent an outpatient client back to her mother's house - an hour's drive away - because she had left her cat there the previous weekend and my friend was sure it was a precusor to suicide.

We hold on to what we have. Who cares if it's a little thing? It's our version of "One Day at a Time", and as long as it works, that's all that's important.

Since I came out of the worst of my depression I've had to deal with lung cancer, and now am waiting for test results to confirm a diagnosis of a particular type of arthritis. I'm in pain ALL the time. Now here's the good news: I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle major crises in life after my depression. I was afraid that the black monster would come back and claim me. Well guess what - I'm stronger than it is. I may have lost a lot because of it, I may be a change person since it. But I am stronger than it.

So are you.

We are ALL there for you. You only need to ask. Any one of us will help. You will have your life back. You are working on it. It won't be the same life, but it will be YOURS.

[Princess4u]

Dear Softness,
How amazing you are....how wondefully amazing you are...your courage and strength are evident in what you have survived and how you took control...YOU took control....I was just telling a friend lastnight that we have to take control of our lives.....we have a right to take our lives back from the demons which torment us....and you did.....and for one..I can say........Softenss...I am gladd you did......keep painting your nails sister....perhaps we can have polish swaps when you run out.......thank you for calling your sister...and thank you for taking your life back...and thank you for coming here to share with us!! Love and peace..Princess

[Soft*Silver]

well, my sister...you have walked in your darkness and survived. Count yourself amongst the courageous!

We all have demons..some demons more ugly than others but I try to remember that the demons are not us. We are not the ugly. The ugly is all that unhealed pain of generations of torture, until it got down to us. Now that I realize that, I simply wont pass it on and I wont die from it. Not now.


My old dog has taught me alot about love. Such as, those you can depend on and are always there for you are the ones worthy of your love. All I did was love her enough not to die for her. I put her first. In doing so, I saved my own life. Its funny how that works... but if I had done that for someone OH so not worthy of it, I am sure it would have made my depression worse...

hang in there...dont let go...call out for someone...hold on for some reason....just dont go...

Originally Posted by Princess4u

Dear Softness,
How amazing you are....how wondefully amazing you are...your courage and strength are evident in what you have survived and how you took control...YOU took control....I was just telling a friend lastnight that we have to take control of our lives.....we have a right to take our lives back from the demons which torment us....and you did.....and for one..I can say........Softenss...I am gladd you did......keep painting your nails sister....perhaps we can have polish swaps when you run out.......thank you for calling your sister...and thank you for taking your life back...and thank you for coming here to share with us!! Love and peace..Princess

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by softness

well, my sister...you have walked in your darkness and survived. Count yourself amongst the courageous!

We all have demons..some demons more ugly than others but I try to remember that the demons are not us. We are not the ugly. The ugly is all that unhealed pain of generations of torture, until it got down to us. Now that I realize that, I simply wont pass it on and I wont die from it. Not now.


My old dog has taught me alot about love. Such as, those you can depend on and are always there for you are the ones worthy of your love. All I did was love her enough not to die for her. I put her first. In doing so, I saved my own life. Its funny how that works... but if I had done that for someone OH so not worthy of it, I am sure it would have made my depression worse...

hang in there...dont let go...call out for someone...hold on for some reason....just dont go...

If you mean survive because I am still breathing....then yes....i am lucky as we all are....but I think we all know otherwise...surviving doenst just mean "going through the motions" and breathing in and out 20 times a minute...which even then takes more effort than its worth. Softness....I am blessed you are here....I am greatful that you reached out....and I hope that should such a time come again you would reach out just once more...We all continue with the struggle of "not giving up" and sometimes it takes someone else to remind us why we are here....and its as simple as just breathing so we can be here for one another when we are needed the most. much love my nail polish sister.....I am holding you high and I am holding you tight!!!

[Mitmo01]

wow Softness I can totally relate, last year the only thing that kept me around were my 4 cats. I was so depressed that it was all I could do to put one foot in front of the other and not slice my wrists open but these felines that have chosen me..not the other way around mind you.....saved my life

They have all given me so much more than I could ever give them

They made me stay here when i had no desire to at all and to them I am truly grateful

yeah depression is a motherfucker

and sometimes its so hard to not give up

[Soft*Silver]

Now that I am on this side of the depression, what I figured out, was as long as I put one foot in front of the other, and breathed in and out 20 times a minute, I was close to the sun than I was to the darkness...and because I kept doing it, I am where I am now.

when my brother killed himself, he ended his ability to look back and say, "wow, glad I didnt do that"....

and if you think no one loves you enough to stay here, think again. You have NO idea what the people left behind go thru. And they go thru it because they do love you... even if its your dog, dammit, stay for them...

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by softness

Now that I am on this side of the depression, what I figured out, was as long as I put one foot in front of the other, and breathed in and out 20 times a minute, I was close to the sun than I was to the darkness...and because I kept doing it, I am where I am now.

when my brother killed himself, he ended his ability to look back and say, "wow, glad I didnt do that"....

and if you think no one loves you enough to stay here, think again. You have NO idea what the people left behind go thru. And they go thru it because they do love you... even if its your dog, dammit, stay for them...

I think that is why i have gotten so attached to my friend's dogs..i have never been so attachted to a dog before.......and now i actually pine for him ...i wish i could have animals...but my landlord says otherwise......so here i pine for Brody....and keep counting the breaths every minute....for what I still dont know....????? I wonder if it even really matters......