Friendship Survey

[clay]

awesome survey, Island Scout.....my only "concern" is that the replies are all in small and same color font as questions...so I had to forego reading them as they are so long and so small to read....(I have "old" eyes)...lol...carry on

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by claybaby

awesome survey, Island Scout.....my only "concern" is that the replies are all in small and same color font as questions...so I had to forego reading them as they are so long and so small to read....(I have "old" eyes)...lol...carry on

Oh Clay I'm sorry you're having a hard time reading this! I don't how to fix that...

I know it's really long, and I tried to encourage people to just answer the few that interest them, if they like. But so far people have really taken it on in its entirety!

Thanks for writing and Hi,
Scout

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

Oh Clay I'm sorry you're having a hard time reading this! I don't how to fix that...

I know it's really long, and I tried to encourage people to just answer the few that interest them, if they like. But so far people have really taken it on in its entirety!

Thanks for writing and Hi,
Scout

Oops, too late to edit and change the color of the answers. My eyes are not that great either, you'd think I'd be more considerate.

[tazz]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
seldom

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
at least once a week

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend? nope

4) Are finances a consideration?
yep

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
nope

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
yep

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
once in a while i do last minute planning.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
it's kewl

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
yes

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
when they decided not to contact me anymore

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
if someone finds it takes too much energy to be my friend, i don't want them in my life. i'm worth it~and i don't take up all that much energy.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
not sure

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? been there done that... they are grown ups and can take care of themselves. i'm not a counselor.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
keep it to myself, it's no one's business. write about it in my journal or tell my therapist. keep it in a file somewhere. you can like anyone you want... just don't act on your feelings.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
been there done that... now i keep my feelings to myself, or i share them with my journal or my therapist.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
no, it's part of her, and i accept her for all she is.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
we all evolve and change, and part of that change means that some friendships last a very long time, or a season.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
i have known my oldest friend for over 30 years and we do not stay in touch anymore. we are emotionally and spiritually on the opposite sides of the planet.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
nope. once things end, i put the nail in the coffin.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
nope. i wind up getting hurt.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
of course yes!

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? nope

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? nope

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? kinda

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? yes

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV

6) Participating in team sports

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)

8) Shopping

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

[nycfem]

Scout, we eagerly await your answers

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Scout, we eagerly await your answers

OMG I completely forgot ME!! LOL

I'll get right on it!

[Ginger]

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I don't expect my friends to fuck me.



Ha, Medusa I loved your brevity and honesty and this one made me laugh out loud at work!

I also "heard" you about outgrowing a friend who was in a "self-loathing" place. I can be really, really hard on myself and I don't need to be around people who are even worse (at least I try to get out of it).

Scout

[LaneyDoll]

I knew I missed one; I accidentally answered #16 in the place for #15 and forgot to come back to answer after I made the correction...


15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
I think it is hard to say when I came through for someone, they would be better equipped to answer that. What I see as day to day friendship, someone else may see as "coming through."

[Apocalipstic]

Oh my goodness, I forgot. I did cut off a friend after she started showing up coked out at 6am wanting to borrow my dog...but hope that someday we can hang out again sans massive cocaine and alcohol.

[Ginger]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

I try to go out with a friend or acquaintance at least once a week, usually on a weeknight. I work in NYC and live further out, and it’s easier for me to go out while I’m already in town. My whole social life is in the City. All the restaurants I like, all the readings are there.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

The phone—only if I have a pressing thing to talk about. Email—same. Skype—never tried it and doesn’t seem worth the trouble.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

No.

4) Are finances a consideration?

My main friends have about the same resources as I do. For a couple years I was friends with an older unemployed person and I treated him a lot. Likewise I’m comfortable dialing it back down if someone wants to go to a really expensive restaurant and I’m feeling more thrifty.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

Not for me, but for some friends, I don’t want to go somewhere really loud because we will have a hard time hearing each other.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

I get off work right at 5. That makes me want to meet earlier, rather than later, but people are usually okay with that.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

I’m fine with it, when it comes up.

Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

I would have no problems being friends with a butch. I think it’s crazy to segregate butches and femmes, like some kind of fifties social model. I also get annoyed when all the butches are in one room and all the femmes in another. It’s okay once in a while, but sheesh, let’s treat each other like peers.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

Absolutely. And have. Nobody tells me who I can be friend with.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

I had a very good friend of about eight or nine years, who was in a very depressing marriage. For example once her husband demanded she go to a sex club with him for his birthday, and she was so beaten down, she agreed to go, though she didn’t want to.

Then one time, he choked her during an argument, and when I heard that, I insisted she leave him. I really got in her face and challenged all her reasons for not leaving, and upset her so much she cried, she told me, on the train home.

Then I got an email from her, saying she could no long be my friend, that I “didn’t know how to be a friend.” And when I saw her at an event a few months later and said, Hi, she looked right through me like I wasn’t there.

Eventually, I reached out to her and we see each other once in a while, but we avoid any “trigger” topics, so the intimacy, the confiding in each other, really isn’t there. I’ve been through a lot in the last year and especially in the last couple months, that she has no clue about, though we’ve been to dinner several times during that period.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

I didn’t cut her off, but I had to take a break from a friend who sent a group email with two jokes, one about how dumb blonds are (I’m blond), and how dumb Texans are (my parents grew up in the Dallas area).

I wrote her and told her I was hurt, and that I would never send a group email disparaging her ethnicity, and her response was very superficial, kind of a generic “I meant no offense.” We’re back in touch now, acting like nothing happened.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

This happened and my friend’s ex and I found a rehab place that would take her insurance, and made sure (since the ex happened to be her boss), that she would get paid leave.

We then followed instructions from the counselor at the rehab place who told us to call her, one after the other, and say we’d cut off our friendship with her, if she didn’t go. Then we drove her there. She checked herself out early, and I don’t know how she’s doing now.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

I’d open the door for talking about it, and try to have some resources to point her toward. I learned my lesson with the friend who cut me off for insisting she leave her abusive husband, and I wouldn’t come on really strong about it.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

Keep it to myself, and maybe curtail the contact if it’s too frustrating.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

If I were single, too, I would just keep developing the friendship, and let the affection build until we couldn’t resist each other.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

No. People blow that shit all out of proportion.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I was friends with the brother of a dear friend who died, but then I realized the brother was a racist, and it stunned me, and I couldn’t be friends with him.

Oh yeah, and he has a bunch of my furniture and other things in storage (bentwood rocker, hand-woven rugs, etc.), and for years wouldn’t return my calls to get them back. I let it go, but I’m mentioning it here because it’s more evidence that I outgrew him—he’s a worse person than I thought, and just because he looks, sounds and walks like his brother, the friend I lost, he’s not him.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

I’ve been friend with Alex for almost 25 years. She lives in L.A. and I saw her every year or so when my sister lived in San Diego, but that’s slowed down since my sister moved. We talk on the phone, to catch up.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

My philosophy:

If you had a friendship while you were dating, but just couldn’t pull off the romantic thing (and it doesn’t exacerbate the healing of broken hearts), then why not be friends after breaking up?

But if you broke up because the interaction was toxic, it will continue being toxic in your friendship.

I have a friend in Provincetown who is an ex, but we hardly ever see each other. My main ex (10-year relationship), wouldn’t be friends with me because (I’m convinced of this, but could be wrong), her new partner was jealous of me. Another ex wanted to be friends with me, but wanted to hide it from her new gf—no thanks. My ex from college is a very dear, old friend. We don’t see each other much, but nothing big happens in our lives—a move, a death, a birth, a big work success—that we don’t let the other know about.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

I need romantic love, to enjoy sex. But I don’t think there’s a thing in the world wrong with friends with benefits, for others. In fact I think it’s a great solution for people who don’t have the time or energy to invest in a relationship but who don’t want to live without sexual experiences.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I put up with a lot more shit from a partner than I would from a friend. And I’m just realizing that, as I type it.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

I’m connecting a friend now with people who can help her find a job, and when another friend needed to get away from her family, I let her stay with me for several weekends. I’ve given and lent money, and been a good listener.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

An old, long-ago friend, a gay man, went away for a summer, and asked one of his friends, another nice gay man, and an acquaintance of mine, to call me and hang out with me once a week, and he did. I was going through a really lonely time, and he didn't want me to be alone. You never forget that kind of kindess.

Much more recently, a new friend who talked me through a particularly low point in my life is deep in my heart now.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

Religious orthodoxy or proselytizing, eats live octopus, has no indoor voice, just to name a few.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

Insecure about their work (I’m talking about creative work), always late, is terribly vain, that kind of thing. In fact these things are endearing, sometimes.

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?

Another further than 20 or so years in either direction and I might start to feel a generational disconnect.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?

Intelligence matters more to me than degrees.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?

As long as we can find a middle-ground in the way of restaurants we are both comfortable with, I’m fine with that difference.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?

I don’t have religious beliefs, and a person who bases a lot of major decisions on religious compliance—whether it makes sense to them or not—would probably not be compatible with me.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?

In graduate school, my lover was from an old-money WASP family in which the brother denigrated my educational background and another family member said I had no “recreational skills.” I never got their references, when they were name-dropping about schools, resort towns, camps and brands, and when I earned numerous merit fellowships that my partner didn’t get, well, that didn’t go over too well, with either her, or them. So I recognize class can estrange people.

Now, though, I’m older and have been involved with so many types of people, nothing fazes me. I can gracefully turn the tables on life’s various meanies, and from years of working in literacy in NYC, I’m sensitive to people who haven’t had my level of privilege, as well.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?

I like talking about that kind of difference, it fascinates me. So that would be plus, if we were different in that way.

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.

When I’m single, I think this is really fun. There’s nothing like comparing notes on the butches in the room, daring each other to say Hi to someone, etc.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors

Biking, hiking, walking.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater

Movie theaters are fun.

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else

I get sleepy just thinking about it.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV

Maybe a Liberty game, but that’s about it.

6) Participating in team sports

You’re joking, right?

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)

Yes, yes, yes.

8) Shopping

Really fun with a friend, especially if you have lunch before or dinner after. This is one of those things that is much more fun with a friend, than a lover.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants

Restaurants, by all means.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals

Love all this stuff.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

It’s not what’s been left out, it’s what’s been put in. For fuck’s sake, this is a long survey. Whover made this up, Get a life!!

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

The emoticons are kind of a give-away. But I could be wrong.

[LaneyDoll]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
Frequently.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Daily.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
Yes; I have children.

4) Are finances a consideration?
Yes, aren't they always? But I can have fun with little money as easily as I can with a lot.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
Not typically for me; I am flexible with regards to someone else.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
Naturally.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
Not usually, but I am ok with last minute plans.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I value friendships in all forms. I love to have friends that I learn from so another point of view is always welcome.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
It would depend on the reasons. If they did not like "that friend" because that friend was secretly hitting on them, bashing me etc, I would end the friendship.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
A friend once told me I was "getting a big head" and did not really speak to me much after that. It was actually ok with me, she did not really support my new ventures into the D/s lifestyle, although she was part of it.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
I will cut people off if they start draining on me emotionally; I have a lot going on and have plenty of room for all friends, but not friends who always have drama etc.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
I tend to not befriend people who heavily use drugs, it is too risky since I have children.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
I would be supportive but someone is not going to leave a bad situation until they are ready. If you push, you may lose them entirely.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
Remind myself that we are friends and that my feelings are likely to be a crush based on some innocent behavior. It is never worth breaking apart a relationship-or losing one yourself.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
See above; I am in a relationship and I truly love who I am with-no one else can compare.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
Possibly but more than likely not.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
I outgrew a lifelong friend from high school last year. She and I have different views and seeing who she has become saddens me.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
All of my life-she is my sister.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
Yes. They are mainly people I dated and we realized that we are friendship material not relationship material. I have one relationship ex that I am friends with but our participation in the D/s lifestyle causes us to be in the same space. Friendship with her and her girl is a lot better for everyone than hatred; especially when we have both moved on.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
I think that they are fine-as long as each person is clear on what is expected of them and for them.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
I expect my friends to accept me fully; I expect a romantic partner to be willing to compromise.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.


16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
Some friends once drove an hour out of their way (two ways) to rescue me from being stranded on the side of the road; it meant a lot since they were on their way out to eat with family.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
Lying; cruelty; being drama filled.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
Most anything except those listed above.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
Does not matter; some of my fave friends (and my relationship) are more than 10 years in age difference.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
Does not matter; everyone can teach us something.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
Does not matter as long as they realize I may have to bow out of things sometimes due to lack of funds.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
Does not matter as long as they do not try to force their beliefs onto me.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
Does not matter.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?
Does not matter as long as they accept my preferences.

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?
Does not matter, I do not always let my friends meet my kids,

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
See above.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
No appeal.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
Sure

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
Sure

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
Sure

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Sure

6) Participating in team sports
I am not very athletic but I will go watch

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)
Love!

8) Shopping
Love!

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
Love!

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
Sure

11) Other
depends on what it is.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?
I do not really see anything.



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?
No, but by now, everyone should realize that I do not really judge people. It was a fun survey.

[ruffryder]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person? not very often.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend? same as above. FB is usually the form of communication with friends.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend? not anymore. my daughter is grown.

4) Are finances a consideration? could be.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? perhaps if it is for them.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration? yup.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it? It happens planned or unplanned.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships? they can be a good thing.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? most likely not because there would more than likely be a reason why.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. we didn't have the same views so I guess they felt we had nothing in common?

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. I don't like lying and drama.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? I would bring it up so we could talk about it.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? Same as 5. I would tell them they deserve better, no one should be abused and I'm here if they need me. More than likely I would go off on the abuser. I don't like my loved ones being harmed.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? There would have to be a conversation about this as to why there are feelings.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? If I am single I would find out if they feel the same and perhaps take it to the next level if we felt the friendship wouldn't be broken. Ruined the friendship once and worked to our advantage another time. I think both people have to feel the same and not hold back.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? probably.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. I would say in high school and in my 20's and because I just didn't go out to clubs/bars as much as them anymore.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? 20+ years. . and continued talking and staying in touch over the years.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? I do. I think space is needed for healing and forgiving before you can approach a friendship again.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? I've been there, done that. In my case It turned into more. I guess it can work depending on what each wants and expects.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? I have higher expectations when I'm in a relationship.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. I was their soft place to land when they needed an escape.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. Kept me sane and offered support and assistance.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? lies, put my life or one of my loved one's in danger, excessive drug/alcohol abuse, drama llama, it has stopped being a give and take relationship, find out they are talking shit.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? quirks, bad habits.. we all have them!


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? not very important

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? not important

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? not important

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? not very important

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? not important

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? not important

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? somewhat important

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? sometimes important


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you? Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater, Attending sports events or watching sports on TV , Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.), Shopping, Cooking, or eating in restaurants, Going to places with the kids, Swimming, Going to the beach, Sometimes clubbing, going to a lounge/bar to play pool.

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?


BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? Nope.