Friendship Survey

[nycfem]

Scout, we eagerly await your answers

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Scout, we eagerly await your answers

OMG I completely forgot ME!! LOL

I'll get right on it!

[Ginger]

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I don't expect my friends to fuck me.



Ha, Medusa I loved your brevity and honesty and this one made me laugh out loud at work!

I also "heard" you about outgrowing a friend who was in a "self-loathing" place. I can be really, really hard on myself and I don't need to be around people who are even worse (at least I try to get out of it).

Scout

[Ginger]

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? perhaps if it is for them.



Hi, Ruffrider. That's really a thoughtful response. I liked your survey's no-nonsense honesty. Scout

[Ginger]

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
I would be supportive but someone is not going to leave a bad situation until they are ready. If you push, you may lose them entirely.


LaneyDoll, I know exactly what you mean because that happened to me. I had a friend who was in a bad marriage, and when he choked her during a fight, I came down hard on her, insisting that she leave, and she cut me off. About six months later, I reached out to her, and we started tentatively seeing each other again, but it isn't the same.

Scout

[Ginger]

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
keep it to myself, it's no one's business. write about it in my journal or tell my therapist. keep it in a file somewhere. you can like anyone you want... just don't act on your feelings.



Tazz, I am thinking about this one. I so agree that we have feelings that flare up and it's not good to act on them—they sometimes go away, on their own, so why mess up a few people's lives because of them? I think that's wise.

I think if I were in a relationship and I really fell hard for someone, I would tell my partner, because it would be a wake-up call as to how much trouble our relationship was in.

But still thinking about what you wrote...

Scout

[Breezy]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

Some of them I see daily, some weekly, one in particular whenever he is in the state.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

Most of them daily.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

No

4) Are finances a consideration?

No

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

Not for me but if it is for them I go to them.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

Oh hell yes. I work insane hours. Sometimes friends hear from sitting in the airport awaiting boarding to go wherever the hell the boss send me. I am "usually" supposed to be free on Sunday.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

Ah not so much. I cannot usually accommodate that kind of spontaneity.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

They are wonderful. Most of my friends are butch or FtM or butch gay men.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

Single now, but I'd be saying, um why do they need to meet your approval?
If there were inappropriate issues ensuing and I was partnered I'd be the first to drop the friend and not wait for a partner to feel uncomfortable.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

I was expected to take sides after a break up. I was expected to believe as gospel what one friend said about her ex who was my friend as well. When I did not she blew her stack, told lies about me and her ex and others listened and took her words as gospel. It was sad and painful but I had to let her go. I had overlooked this behavior of hers in the past and lied to myself about her never doing this to me, to us as friends. Reality became clear.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

I was young, 23, in a physically and mentally abusive relationship. I did not know how to leave. I did not know how to take care of myself emotionally and stayed way too long. He told me he was walking away until I found my way out but he'd be there afterward. He said he could not watch me go through it anymore. I'm glad he was there 2 years later.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

talk to them about it and realize I could not control it. I would tell them I am here when and if you decide you want help.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

I'd give them the local shelter numbers, addresses, a list of things to do to leave safely and keep the light on for them at home.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

Walk away.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

Walk away.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

Nah.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

N/A

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

23 years. We talk about everything. People say we sound like an old married couple and at time we do. He is my best friend.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

No ex's as friends. The endings were horribly dysfunctional. My present ex and I co-parent so it will need negotiating.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

I don't have any.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

They are one in the same with the exception of sex.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

I took her 12 year old wild child off the street after she ran away and she lived the summer with us until she and her mom could get things worked out.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

He told me get out of the abuse. He walked away but was there after I left the abuse. I moved in for 5 months and recuperated.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

Drug dealing, killer for hire, pedophile, anger monster, physically or mentally abusive to me and others, stealing from my home or kids, negativity addict,
hacking my computer (in the bad sense), harming one of my kids or grand kids in any way shape or form, racism, bigotry and hate.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

White lies, being in the sex trades, messy (cluttered not dirty) home, handicap, no money not much money,

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? Not at all.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? Not at all

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? Not at all.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? Not at all.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? Not at all.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? Not at all.

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? Not at all without good reason.

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? It's according to the situation.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.

Yeah, sounds like fun.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
getting there.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater

Yes.

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else

Nah.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV

Nah.

6) Participating in team sports

Nah.

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)

Yes.

8) Shopping

Yes

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants

Yes

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals

Sure

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

No.

[Soft*Silver]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
depends on the friend. Some, once a month. Some every couple months. None weekly or daily.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Over the past couple years I have developed an anxiety about talking on the phone. I wont answer the phone and I sure wont call to chit chat. Sometimes, if someone is in trouble or a death has happened, or something of that catastrophic nature, I will call someone and talk to them on the phone. thank god for texting. All my local plans are made via texts. I have to talk on the phone for the store and it damn near kills me. I cant wait to earn enough to hire someone to take calls.

I love emails. I can say so much and it lets people read, and ponder.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
sometimes I babysit my nephews and nieces. So yes, its a consideration if I have them. Most of my same age peers think I am crazy babysitting. Sometimes I do too. But mostly its a nice way to have kids in my life and I get to send them home when my energy wears out.

4) Are finances a consideration?
sadly yes. Sometimes I dont have money to even go to the dollar movies. But friends who are friends will come here to sit in my gorgeous back yard and chat. Or we will hang out at the free museums. Or they pay my way in. And when I can, I pay their way in. Or I do something nice for them.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
we have gone to little shops and they have things upstairs or in the basement and I cant go. I also tire out very easily. I have had to go in wheelchairs a couple time, with people pushing me.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
it hasnt been but it is now. I am opening a store and my time is taken up with getting it opened, or de-stressing my body when I have worked it too hard. friends wanted me to go horseback riding the other day and I couldnt. And you know how I love horses!

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
Last minute get togethers are my favorites!


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I relate differently to butches than I do femmes. I can have friendships with butches but it is a friendship that acknowledges who we are. My friendships with butches are very different than my friendships with straight men. I will not flirt with straight men who are friends. I will with butches who are friends. I will flirt with FtMs who are friends. I never flirt with anyone attached, no matter what. Flirting can be part of friendship, if its acknowledged as a safe and comfortable thing to do. I flirt with some straight girls who are my friends, locally. However, I think they of all the groups, would be the one to push the playing into the range of possibility....

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? I think this is a question that has to be answered based on the persons and the situation. I was in a relationship where I loathed someone they were friends with. Best friends! I was forced to interact and deal with this person on a daily basis. She played us and drove a wedge between us. Everyone else could see it but my partner could not. It was never going to be a good situation so I left. I left someone I truly loved. But love and respect are two different things. And I couldnt give that to him because of how I was treated and I wasnt getting it from him either. So in this kind of situation, no. But, who I am with now, he has a best male friend that I see as a pervert. Nothing about him is likable regarding his morals and values. However, he treats me well, respects me and I do the same to him. We all go out together, he with his wife and me and chrissy. Would I ever be his friend if not for his tie to chrissy? Never! But he is a good person to chrissy and very nice to me so we all get along...

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. when I ended an on line relationship, the person refuses to speak to me now. He believes I was interested in someone else and that is the reason I broke it off with him. Not true at all. But he just wont hear it. So I lost a very good friend in him. Above all else, we were wonderful friends. And this has pained me deeply.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. She would not respect my boundaries about relationships. i didnt want one and she wanted one. I wanted a friendship. She wanted a romance. She would tell me she was ok with a friendship but made moves on me all the time. It got to the point where she was stalking me so i had to cut her out of my life. She wouldnt listen any other way. Again, a deep loss because I really liked her as a friend!

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? I am a member of AA. I have offered to go to meetings with people but mostly I just shut my mouth and wait. People know I am in recovery and they come to me when they are tired of being sick and tired. They know I will be there for them. i dont need to push it on them

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
same as above. I use to direct domestic violence shelters so people know they can come to me if they need it. I see signs early on and sometimes I might say a thing or two but mostly, I just give time time. the exception to that is if the person is in danger. Then i speak up and hopefully,they will be ready to take action

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? this has actually happened to me. I said nothing. I gave no hint. I do not destroy relationships. I hae cheaters and I will not be a cheater.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? I am assertive.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? god yes

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. some people might say they never outgrow anyone. I guess thats the PC thing to say. But I know I have. People find a niche and thats where they like to stay, where their happiness and comfort is. I find I am always a seeker. I find things that make me happy, like forms of art, new types of gardening, new ways to express myself spiritually. I gather it, gain from it, then move onto other new things. I love to broaden my horizons. Not everyone does. Sometimes that is frightening/unnerving to people. Those are the people I outgrow. People who applaud my journey, stay with me, and I honor where they like to be as well. But those who deny me the right to move on, well, I have to let go.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?I have been best friends with my Yaya since the first day of first grade. Its been 49 years so far...

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? I am friends with several of my exes. And I dont speak with a few, simply because they just arent in reach. And a couple, I would rather never see again this life

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? never did this. Didnt want to back in the day. Might consider it now if I ever needed to

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? Oh, I dont know. Simple answer is they are they same but the partner is just a deeper committment

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. a friend's barn caught on fire. 29 of her horses perished. Many of them were pregnant. It was devastating. I was there with her, picked hooves and flesh from burnt ashes. I saw trauma in the remaining horse's eyes. I saw my friend's eyes...and hope I never peer into eyes like that again. I pulled together a donation list, where people could send in money and horse items. I helped her emotionally thru the worst first six months.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. that same friend allowed me to come sit under her apple tree in her orchard when my butch husband left me for another woman. I knew i was going to lose my farm, all my horses, etc. I couldnt keep the lights on if the water was on. My daughter's college fund was ever stolen.I had just had a major farm accident and wa experiencing a county wide hate crime against me as a lesbian. I wept under her apple tree for three days straight. She barely said a word. She just brought me ice tea and tissues...

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? a cruel nature of anykind toward anyone or anything. I dropped a coworker friendship because she was horrible to the wait staff whenever we went out to eat together. I mean HORRIBLE.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? too many to list. Just about anything as long as they are striving to be good people.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? I have 20 year old friends. And 80 year old friends. I am 55

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? somewhat. Not that I am an egotist, but I have alot of education and alot of life experience. Someone who isnt evolved in some manner, is going to get lost with me.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? N/A

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? I cannot tolerate the intolerants

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? N/A

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? you would be hard pressed to find someone I didnt get along with in these categories

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? my daughter, who is 28, has hated some of my friends and partners. It was a mess. She is a mess at the moment. She is not well, mentally and spiritually. I know she has affected me. and that affects my ability to relate to the world.

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
when she was younger, that was a plus. But I am not into playdates anymore. I dont do things with people with kids. I am old and cranky and more of a baba yaga than a fairy godmother....hahahah...not really. But, I really dont tolerate nasty kids.

[Soft*Silver]

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. not at all

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors what constitutes exercise? Riding a horse? Yes. Running on a treadmill, no. Swimming in a heated pool. Yes. gardening, yes.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater yes

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else I play gnometown on FB. I cant believe I am even doing that. I hate electronic games. I do play Majjong. My electronic stuff is done in solitary fashion.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV again, if it has to do with horses, yes. I have gone with my family to watch my nephews play tag football.

6) Participating in team sports I am so non competitive. In fact, that is one of the strongest characteristics of mine., I wont compete for anything, affection, attention nor medals.

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.) love doing this

8) Shopping I hate malls. I love flea markets, little privately owned stores (like mine!) garage saleing, etc

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants yes

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals yes yes yes yes, YES

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? rituals. Me and my best friend have a ritual we do to commemorate life events. I can count on her to do it for me when something important happens to me. She just did it recently when I was working in my store that is about to open. I do it for her, and did it last when she closed on her house she just bought.



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? you're a femme? I didnt notice who even posted this...I just like filling out surveys

[Soft*Silver]

I need to say, that I have a dear friend on here, the Planet, who has always been there for me, thru thick and thin. He has believed in me and supported me and trusted me to a degree most people would not even of their dearest friends. I love him dearly. He has taught me so much about healing, and recovering and knowing limits and stretching to get past those we set for ourselves before we even know what they truly are. He has been my inspiration many times. My confidante. There were literally times I would not have pulled thru had it not been for him. Seriously...

I have been blessed with some wonderful people in my life. He is in the top three. I would give him a kidney! I wish I could do for him all that he has done for me. He knows who he is. Thank you, Sweetie. I do love and honor you. I am so blessed with you in my life...

[Ginger]

Miss Tia wrote:

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. a friend's barn caught on fire. 29 of her horses perished. Many of them were pregnant. It was devastating. I was there with her, picked hooves and flesh from burnt ashes. I saw trauma in the remaining horse's eyes. I saw my friend's eyes...and hope I never peer into eyes like that again. I pulled together a donation list, where people could send in money and horse items. I helped her emotionally thru the worst first six months.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. that same friend allowed me to come sit under her apple tree in her orchard when my butch husband left me for another woman. I knew i was going to lose my farm, all my horses, etc. I couldnt keep the lights on if the water was on. My daughter's college fund was ever stolen.I had just had a major farm accident and wa experiencing a county wide hate crime against me as a lesbian. I wept under her apple tree for three days straight. She barely said a word. She just brought me ice tea and tissues...

**********************

Oh, Miss Tia. I was captivated by your answers to the survey, all around—but these two answers, wow. Such a vivid experience, such a heart-breaking experience, and as a writer I just have to say—WHAT a setting. I see it; the trees, the horses, the ashes. It's so cinematic. But of course, it's not a movie, it's real, it's your experience. A tragedy and another kind of recovery. I loved it. Beautiful.

Scout

[Sparkle]

"I've got friends all over this country, I've got friends in other countries too. I'm got friends I haven't met yet, I've got friends I never knew." -ani

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

It varies wildly, I see my two (local) best friends often. My best Femme once a week, sometimes more depending on what is going on; but my best Bear works 2nd shift and has a very active dating life so I see him once every two or three weeks. I see my sister (who is probably my closest friend) about once a month. But I have very close friends who live abroad or on the "other" coast - and I may only see them once every couple of years.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

I text and/or email with my besties every day, my sister and I gmail chat and text and facetime chat daily, I text/email/facebook with close friends who live far away far less frequently - some weekly, some every month or two, some once or twice a year.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

Yes. For me it is actually dog care, it can be challenging to go away for a weekend or for day trips that are more than 8hours. And my friends with children have to do a lot of juggling in terms of time and competing needs and priorities, and so that often plays a role in what/where/how/when we spend time together.

4) Are finances a consideration?

Yes. Money is always a consideration in *what* we do, none of us are independently wealthy nor do we "come from money"; but it is not a consideration in terms of doing something together - we will all quite happily watch a dvd or eat leftovers or chat over a cuppa tea together.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

No.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

Yeah, one of my besties works 2nd shift and I work pretty standard 9-5 hours so it makes it hard for us to see one another, except on the weekends and we both have so many other life obligations that 2-3-4 weekends can go by easily without seeing one another.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

Yes, often out of necessity and sometimes because that is just how some of my friends are. Myself, I like a teensy bit more structure and planning, but I do my best to stay adaptable and responsive, because I love them (and spending time with them).


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

Friendship is a human condition, any one can be friends with any one.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

Yes, with sensitivity and clear communication - but resoundingly yes.


3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

When my former partner and I split after a long-time, it was a messy ending. There was a group of people that I considered close friends, they felt that they had to "choose sides" because they were originally friends with my partner, and so they chose her. It made a painful break up more horrible and I remember feeling so adrift without a group of close friends.

(very) many years later my former partner and I have managed to come back around to a place of friendship, and I'm grateful for that.


4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

I sometimes drift away from friendships but I rarely cut them off I don't view most relationships in absolutes. I have placed distance in some of my friendships though. One recent example was a friendship that went from "close friend" to "social acquaintance" status because she behaved in ways that were cruel and caustic and unflinchingly unkind and she was not at all sorry about it. I don't dislike her but I would never trust her enough to be close again.


9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

No. We all have annoying and harmless habits, I would try to find my way to loving that about her/him.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I had two friends in college, I call them my "naughty friends", we had a lot of fun and did lots of naughty things; I have some great stories from that time
but I've grown up and moved on and I don't really see a place for them in my life now, some of their core values do not match with mine (and never did).

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

My sister is probably my oldest friend and closest friend, so 33 years. We've managed to stay friends and become closer with every year by being loving and supportive to one another, by talking honestly and being open to having the hard conversations, by listening well, by knowing when the best thing is not to talk but just to 'be' there for each other and by laughing together whenever we can.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

Yes, I am friends with most of my former partners with varying degrees of closeness. My philosophy is that friendship should be the foundation upon which any romantic partnership is built, and if that was the case then there is often the potential to salvage and rebuild a friendship (down the line).

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

I think it is possible for that to work but I found it to be tricky and temporal.


15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

In my close circle of friends - this is what we do for one another, in little ways and big ways, all the time.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:


1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?

None of these are important to me, my friends are an amazing spectrum of humanity and that is just the way I like it!

I think that it is more important that we similar in terms of our values.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

I like to go to events (concerts or exhibitions or performances or films) or to cultural institutions; I like swimming and sunning and kayaking and dog-walking with my friends. I love making a meal, a cocktail and having a catch up on our lives. But what we do is far less important than intentionally making the time to be together.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

Just two random thoughts about friendships...

I often think about how long term friendships are a lot like the tides - I think we grow closer and further apart in turn over the course of our lives influenced by any number of internal and external factors. I think it is healthy to acknowledge that and to be kind to ourselves and with our friends during those further away times.

And another thing that I find fascinating and miraculous is that there are some friendships that have this magical intangible connection that is real and close and exists all on its own, no matter the distance nor amount of time between seeing each other.

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

I don't think so. Do you?

[Mr Nice Guy]

Friendship Survey



Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
As often as they want to see me.
2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Just the phone and mostly to make plans. I do a lot of texting.
3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
No, none of my friends have kids.
4) Are finances a consideration?
Nope. I'm happy just hanging.
5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
No
6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
Yes. With relationships too. I have every sixth weekend off.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
I'm very laid back so I can go with whatever comes.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I've never been able to be a friend with a Femme. Trust me I've tried but it doesn't work. Either their partner gets jealous or feelings pop up. Which makes for uncomfortable situations and I'm not a home wrecker.
2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
Yes. It's my choice. Besides, my friends came first.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
I've never had that happen. Usually it's me because of their issues.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. My friend who dated my gf right after we broke up.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? I would support them in any way.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
I would kick some ass!
7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
I would walk away after being truthful about why I needed space.
8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
I don't have any Femme friends so I don't worry about that.
9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
I have no filter. I always speak the truth.
10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
Never had that happen.
11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? 10 years and we work together.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
No, I have one that wants to but I don't want that. It would be hard and besides she's straight now.
13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
Been there, done that
14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
I expect my friend not to fall in love with me.
15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
Made their car payment
16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
Brought me to hospitable for surgery and made me meatloaf after.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
Date my ex


18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
I like people for themselves. Flaws and all.
Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
It's not
2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
not important
3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
not important
4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
not important
5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
not important
6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?
I'd rather gay friends.
7) …your small or adult children like your friends?
I have no kids.
8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
N/A

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
I love doing this.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors.
Outside
3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
both
4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
both
5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Not interested
6) Participating in team sports
I can't. Bad knee
7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)
concerts
8) Shopping
I like shopping
9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
I can't cook but love to eat.
10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
All of the above.

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

Nothing that I can think of.

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?
Nope. I love Femmes.

[Ginger]

Yotlyolqualli wrote:

Serious. One of my childhood friends, moved in and out of our area frequently. When she was 17, she had been living in a town about 30 miles from where I lived. I hadn't seen her for nearly 3 years. On the day after thanksgiving, my friends mother was driving her to work and hit a patch of black ice and swerved into the path of a semi. Her mother was killed instantly.
I was babysitting at the time, and Mother came and got me, told me "Christols Mom was killed this morning, she's at her grandmothers and wants you to come in." As soon as I was able, I went. I was afraid. I was shy and was in that awful awkward stage of, "what do I say?" When I walked in and saw Christol, and she saw me, she through herself into my arms and just sobbed. She hadn't recalled the accident, but did recall finding her mothers body on the road and laying on it to keep her warm. It took 4 men to pull her off. She wouldn't stop crying and her brother and sisters were all crying, as was her grandmother. Finally, in a small tear shakey voice, Christol asked me to pray for her. So I did. I don't remember what I said, but when I was done, they soon stopped crying and began talking about good memories. Christol later told me that when I prayed for them, she heard her mother say, "I'm ok baby, I'm with Jesus." It doesn't take a lot to mean a lot to someone else. Just be there.


*******************************


Yotlyolqualli, I think you said it all when you say: "It doesn't take a lot to mean a lot to someone else. Just be there."

For me the worst feeling in the world, is being alone in a difficult time. It takes thoughtfulness to remember people need other people; not money, not tickets to shows, just sitting with them or picking up the phone. And yet, it's so easy to forget that. But the more we experience that kind of thoughtfulness, the more we integrate it into our behavior, IMO.

[Ginger]

Yotlyolqualli wrote:

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
I would strongly encourage them to not indulge. Preaching though, gets you and them no where. I would suggest clean and sober friendly activites instead of high risk ones. IE: I wouldn't suggest bar hopping to a friend who is an alcoholic.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
I think I would be more aggressive in this case, than in the one I just answered. I've not only seen the statistics, but I worked in an abuse shelter for women and their children. It takes, on average, at least 3 times of "leaving" the abuser, before the abused can stay away from them. Sadly, a lot are dead before they can leave that third time. I would offer support, a place to stay, even a place where she/he can come just to step away from it for a few hours every day.

*************

I didn't know, it takes three times on average to leave an abuser, but that sounds right... your point about having a place to go to for just a few hours at a time is really smart, I hadn't thought of that but I can see how it's a good strategy for helping someone.

And ha! The kitchen sink!

[Ginger]

Sparkle wrote:

Just two random thoughts about friendships...

I often think about how long term friendships are a lot like the tides - I think we grow closer and further apart in turn over the course of our lives influenced by any number of internal and external factors. I think it is healthy to acknowledge that and to be kind to ourselves and with our friends during those further away times.

And another thing that I find fascinating and miraculous is that there are some friendships that have this magical intangible connection that is real and close and exists all on its own, no matter the distance nor amount of time between seeing each other.

***************

I know what you mean about that connection that stays constant when distance and time fluctuate. I don't know what it is, that makes that happen. Maybe just core values? Very accepting personalities, so changes aren't a problem? I don't know.

***************

Sparkle wrote:

Yes, I am friends with most of my former partners with varying degrees of closeness. My philosophy is that friendship should be the foundation upon which any romantic partnership is built, and if that was the case then there is often the potential to salvage and rebuild a friendship (down the line).

***************

I feel EXACTLY the same way and tried to say it but you say it much better.


Scout

[Ginger]

Mr. Nice Guy wrote:

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I've never been able to be a friend with a Femme. Trust me I've tried but it doesn't work. Either their partner gets jealous or feelings pop up. Which makes for uncomfortable situations and I'm not a home wrecker.

********************

That is so interesting, Mr. Nice Guy. You're the first person who said that, but usually when one person says something, it's true for others who don't speak out.

When you say, "feelings pop up," if you're friends with a femme, it made me wonder if you're talking about your feelings, her feelings, or both.

I have found that some very good friendships start with crushes that die a natural death when one side doesn't return the energy. But that's just in my experience.



Scout

[Breezy]

I need to re answer a question. If I had a single friend, and I am single, to whom I was attracted I'd see where it went, if anywhere beyond, friendship slowly.

[LaneyDoll]

I knew I missed one; I accidentally answered #16 in the place for #15 and forgot to come back to answer after I made the correction...


15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
I think it is hard to say when I came through for someone, they would be better equipped to answer that. What I see as day to day friendship, someone else may see as "coming through."

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by LaneyDoll

I knew I missed one; I accidentally answered #16 in the place for #15 and forgot to come back to answer after I made the correction...


15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
I think it is hard to say when I came through for someone, they would be better equipped to answer that. What I see as day to day friendship, someone else may see as "coming through."

That's so true. Little things are ways of coming through that mean just as much, over time, as big things. And sometimes it's a "little" thing that can make the whole day seem better, or give you the boost you need to get through your day.