Carried over the threshold

Ginger · 08-24-2012, 11:07 AM

I think the unspoken side of this issue is, what if the femme (and so far, everyone has followed that paradym of butch-carrying-femme, following the groom-following-bride model), is a BBW, and it is uncomfortable for her butch to carry her?

I'm not large but I keep thinking about those women and wondering if they are seeing this thread every time they log on, and if it makes them feel somehow in comparison with women who are small enough to be physically carried by someone else.

Am I over-thinking?

Am I being neurotic?

Worse, am I being a party pooper?

I really don't mean to step on anyone's toes. It's awkward, I wasn't sure how to phrase this or even if I should—perhaps since no BBW has responded in this way, it isn't an issue with them.

But what if it is, and they have internalized so much cultural disapproval of their size, they don't want to be the one to bring it up?

So I decided to risk it.

Glenn · 08-24-2012, 11:26 AM

Well, I'll never forget our threshold scene. There was a blizzard going on the night of our reception, and by the time we came to our "honeymoon cottage", there was over a foot of snow on the ground. Then, we dropped the keys somewhere in the snow, and by the time we dug around and found them, we were both frozen. However, being a Gentlemyn, I waited for her to go in first

Corkey · 08-24-2012, 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I think the unspoken side of this issue is, what if the femme (and so far, everyone has followed that paradym of butch-carrying-femme, following the groom-following-bride model), is a BBW, and it is uncomfortable for her butch to carry her?

I'm not large but I keep thinking about those women and wondering if they are seeing this thread every time they log on, and if it makes them feel somehow in comparison with women who are small enough to be physically carried by someone else.

Am I over-thinking?

Am I being neurotic?

Worse, am I being a party pooper?

I really don't mean to step on anyone's toes. It's awkward, I wasn't sure how to phrase this or even if I should—perhaps since no BBW has responded in this way, it isn't an issue with them.

But what if it is, and they have internalized so much cultural disapproval of their size, they don't want to be the one to bring it up?

So I decided to risk it.

I think you have a valid point. But I will not speak for another.

aishah · 08-24-2012, 04:53 PM

i appreciate islandscout's post, and that of others who've pointed out the health/ability issues involved in this!

i think the idea of carrying someone over the threshold is rather romantic, but i'm 5'4" and 220 lbs. me and my partners are all pretty fit, but none of us are small and none of us are able-bodied

i don't have a complex about not being carried over the threshold, though. like many traditional romantical-y marriage-y things, i think it's a sweet idea in theory but it would just never work for me/us in reality.

part of the thing that makes me uncomfortable about the idea is that i think it feeds into this ideal of women and femmes being small and cute and dainty...and many of us are anything but (which is something that should be celebrated! imho). i do like when a partner makes me feel small and cute and dainty, and my butch can do that just with his personality and presence, even though he's slightly shorter than me.

but i do have some discomfort around the cultural expectations and issues that arise, especially having felt for much of my life that i am too big, too loud, take up too much space, etc. for what it's worth, i really like my size and my body and personally i have come to terms with the fact that i'll never meet that expectation (and i don't necessarily want to anymore). but i do think it's something that's reinforced constantly, at least in u.s. culture/society.

Gráinne · 08-24-2012, 05:11 PM

I'm really glad you pointed this out, Island

. I don't have giant objections to it, if that's what the couple wants. But anyone who tries that with me better be a linebacker for the New York Giants. I'm anything but small.

stephfromMIT · 08-24-2012, 05:22 PM

guihong-Don't worry, I'm a linewoman for the Militia.

The_Lady_Snow · 08-24-2012, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stephfromMIT

guihong-Don't worry, I'm a linewoman for the Militia.

No shit! what particular group? Do you have a "Don't Thread on Me" Flag?

stephfromMIT · 08-24-2012, 05:31 PM

Snow-I meant the football team.

stepfordfemme · 08-24-2012, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I think the unspoken side of this issue is, what if the femme (and so far, everyone has followed that paradym of butch-carrying-femme, following the groom-following-bride model), is a BBW, and it is uncomfortable for her butch to carry her?

I'm not large but I keep thinking about those women and wondering if they are seeing this thread every time they log on, and if it makes them feel somehow in comparison with women who are small enough to be physically carried by someone else.

Am I over-thinking?

Am I being neurotic?

Worse, am I being a party pooper?

I really don't mean to step on anyone's toes. It's awkward, I wasn't sure how to phrase this or even if I should—perhaps since no BBW has responded in this way, it isn't an issue with them.

But what if it is, and they have internalized so much cultural disapproval of their size, they don't want to be the one to bring it up?

So I decided to risk it.

I am a large and fabulous woman. I embrace many things that are considered "old fashioned" and out of date. I sometimes feel like I was born in the wrong era. I have no problems with butch/guy led relationships or demonstrations of courtship/chivalry. That being said I would never feel comfortable with this tradition. A) I would worry that my partner would injure themselves. B) I would not feel comfortable with it.

It reminds me of the quote - do not walk in front of me, I may not follow. Do not follow me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend. I feel that marriage is a start of a partnership and I want my partner to be my equal. This tradition just waxes a little passé and heteronormative to me personally.

This thread doesn't offend me or make me feel inadequate or fat. Traditions aren't for everyone. Some people will admire and adhere to tradition and some will trailblaze new ones.

I wish you both happiness in your marriage & that all your threshold moments are memorable.

Ginger · 10-31-2012, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stepfordfemme

I am a large and fabulous woman. I embrace many things that are considered "old fashioned" and out of date. I sometimes feel like I was born in the wrong era. I have no problems with butch/guy led relationships or demonstrations of courtship/chivalry. That being said I would never feel comfortable with this tradition. A) I would worry that my partner would injure themselves. B) I would not feel comfortable with it.

It reminds me of the quote - do not walk in front of me, I may not follow. Do not follow me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend. I feel that marriage is a start of a partnership and I want my partner to be my equal. This tradition just waxes a little passé and heteronormative to me personally.

This thread doesn't offend me or make me feel inadequate or fat. Traditions aren't for everyone. Some people will admire and adhere to tradition and some will trailblaze new ones.

I wish you both happiness in your marriage & that all your threshold moments are memorable.

Hi, I liked your post, which referenced mine. Just for clarification, in case the last line was directed at me, I'm not married. I think you were addressing the (now revealed as a troll) "Steph" person who started the thread? Anyway, nice to meet you, and BTW, Happy Halloween! Scout

08-24-2012, 05:11 PM	#5
Gráinne Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Neither, nada, out of the box Preferred Pronoun?: My name always works Relationship Status: Happy whatever happens Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Little Rock Posts: 1,864 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,117 Thanked 7,386 Times in 1,457 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I'm really glad you pointed this out, Island . I don't have giant objections to it, if that's what the couple wants. But anyone who tries that with me better be a linebacker for the New York Giants. I'm anything but small. __________________ The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck

08-24-2012, 11:07 AM	#1
Ginger Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: East coast Posts: 2,416 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,829 Thanked 12,295 Times in 2,057 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I think the unspoken side of this issue is, what if the femme (and so far, everyone has followed that paradym of butch-carrying-femme, following the groom-following-bride model), is a BBW, and it is uncomfortable for her butch to carry her? I'm not large but I keep thinking about those women and wondering if they are seeing this thread every time they log on, and if it makes them feel somehow in comparison with women who are small enough to be physically carried by someone else. Am I over-thinking? Am I being neurotic? Worse, am I being a party pooper? I really don't mean to step on anyone's toes. It's awkward, I wasn't sure how to phrase this or even if I should—perhaps since no BBW has responded in this way, it isn't an issue with them. But what if it is, and they have internalized so much cultural disapproval of their size, they don't want to be the one to bring it up? So I decided to risk it.

08-24-2012, 11:26 AM	#2
Glenn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Ol butch bones. Preferred Pronoun?: Old thing Relationship Status: Too old to play. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: :rolleyes: Posts: 1,547 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,602 Thanked 3,729 Times in 1,095 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Well, I'll never forget our threshold scene. There was a blizzard going on the night of our reception, and by the time we came to our "honeymoon cottage", there was over a foot of snow on the ground. Then, we dropped the keys somewhere in the snow, and by the time we dug around and found them, we were both frozen. However, being a Gentlemyn, I waited for her to go in first

08-24-2012, 04:53 PM	#4
aishah Member How Do You Identify?: queer stone femme shark baby girl Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, little one Relationship Status: dating myself. Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: dallas, tx Posts: 1,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,823 Thanked 6,440 Times in 1,288 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	i appreciate islandscout's post, and that of others who've pointed out the health/ability issues involved in this! i think the idea of carrying someone over the threshold is rather romantic, but i'm 5'4" and 220 lbs. me and my partners are all pretty fit, but none of us are small and none of us are able-bodied i don't have a complex about not being carried over the threshold, though. like many traditional romantical-y marriage-y things, i think it's a sweet idea in theory but it would just never work for me/us in reality. part of the thing that makes me uncomfortable about the idea is that i think it feeds into this ideal of women and femmes being small and cute and dainty...and many of us are anything but (which is something that should be celebrated! imho). i do like when a partner makes me feel small and cute and dainty, and my butch can do that just with his personality and presence, even though he's slightly shorter than me. but i do have some discomfort around the cultural expectations and issues that arise, especially having felt for much of my life that i am too big, too loud, take up too much space, etc. for what it's worth, i really like my size and my body and personally i have come to terms with the fact that i'll never meet that expectation (and i don't necessarily want to anymore). but i do think it's something that's reinforced constantly, at least in u.s. culture/society.

08-24-2012, 05:22 PM	#6
stephfromMIT Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Troll Preferred Pronoun?: she her Relationship Status: engaged to my fiancee Amanda Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: cambridge MA Posts: 230 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 703 Thanked 408 Times in 143 Posts Rep Power: 0	guihong-Don't worry, I'm a linewoman for the Militia.

08-24-2012, 05:31 PM	#8
stephfromMIT Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Troll Preferred Pronoun?: she her Relationship Status: engaged to my fiancee Amanda Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: cambridge MA Posts: 230 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 703 Thanked 408 Times in 143 Posts Rep Power: 0	Snow-I meant the football team.