Building a Culture of Empathy

[Toughy]

I see the kindness that they speak of as the action of estrogen.

I think you have it backwards. I have to want to have empathy in order for estrogen to be produced. If I don't want to have empathy ain't no empathy estrogen gonna be produced.

[Ginger]

I guess I subscribe to the nature/nurture way of looking at things.

I think people have the amount of empathy they have, because of genetic, chemical or other physical elements (including the stuff you're talking about), but also because of how they were socialized and treated when they were infants and children.

That said, how do we go about Building a Culture of Empathy, as your thread is titled? it sounds like a wonderful goal, but I wouldn't know how to get it started.

[aishah]

some tools i have found helpful for learning more about how to practice empathy:
i thought it was just me and the gifts of imperfection by brene brown (her ted videos are also good if you don't have time to read her books, but her books are downright amazing)
non-violent communication - i haven't read the full book by rosenberg but i've read a lot of the free material about it online, and it's definitely worth checking out.
dialectical behavior therapy - also a lot of free information online. emphasizes mindfulness, interpersonal, and emotional regulation skills and stresses nonjudgmental, empathic communication in much the same way as nvc.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by aishah

some tools i have found helpful for learning more about how to practice empathy:
i thought it was just me and the gifts of imperfection by brene brown (her ted videos are also good if you don't have time to read her books, but her books are downright amazing)
non-violent communication - i haven't read the full book by rosenberg but i've read a lot of the free material about it online, and it's definitely worth checking out.
dialectical behavior therapy - also a lot of free information online. emphasizes mindfulness, interpersonal, and emotional regulation skills and stresses nonjudgmental, empathic communication in much the same way as nvc.

Thank you for sharing Aishah. I had not heard about dialectical behavior therapy. *curtseys and does happy dance*

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I guess I subscribe to the nature/nurture way of looking at things.

I think people have the amount of empathy they have, because of genetic, chemical or other physical elements (including the stuff you're talking about), but also because of how they were socialized and treated when they were infants and children.

That said, how do we go about Building a Culture of Empathy, as your thread is titled? it sounds like a wonderful goal, but I wouldn't know how to get it started.

This ..

I believe that if how we raise our sons changed then we'd have a bit of a less violent world. Teaching our male children differently to what they are being taught now would hopefully eliminate the hate culture towatds woman.

How we treat our young when they are in our care could change the balance.

[princessbelle]

I so agree with that as well....empathy depends on a huge amount of things. Some chemical some not.

If you took two totally diff people and subjected them to something very sad, to one it may be extremely unjust and affect them way different than the next one. Is that all chemically induced? Depends on how far you want to dissect it.

If you have a world where everyone was treated with hormones, the "right amount" of a feel good medication, you would have a world full of stepford people. Yuk.

Our experience, our cultures, the way we were raised, how we live our lives now and heck even how we feel that day depends on the level of empathy we bestow on our worlds....


IMO Empathy is a feeling that is subjective AND objective and it evolves at different times and with different degrees which is one of the primary ways we are all unique. Personally, I like it that way.

[aishah]

i think of empathy as a skill, personally. i believe some people are born with more of a predisposition to it than others (because of neurochemistry, etc.) and also that it's encouraged or discouraged by the environments we grow up in, so maybe some people are naturally more talented with it. but imho it is also something that can be learned and practiced. to me it's more than just a warm fuzzy emotional connection. the warm fuzzy emotional connection may happen because of a neurochemical reaction, and it may help us be empathetic and compassionate, but the neurochemistry alone doesn't teach us the skills we need to relate to other human beings with empathy and compassion.

the issue of how people react to difficult situations is also an issue of resilience. some people are more resilient than others. that's why some people cope better with trauma and stress. resilience is partly chemical and partly due to upbringing, but it can also be learned to some degree. and some aspects of resilience, like having a good support system, do require conscious action.

[nycfem]

On a micro level, how do we build a culture of empathy here on BFP?

One thought I have is that it is important when we post that we think that any member could be reading the post and how will they feel after reading it if they are, for example,

400 pounds
Chinese
Muslim
homeless
elderly
a parent of a differently abled child

etc. etc.

In other words, I think it's important to have empathy for every single member of our site by not assuming that everyone is like us and showing sensitivity towards readers we don't know anything about every time we post. This goes for posting a joke, a rant, or making a statement to all (i.e. considering whether it really fits "all").

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

On a micro level, how do we build a culture of empathy here on BFP?

One thought I have is that it is important when we post that we think that any member could be reading the post and how will they feel after reading it if they are, for example,

400 pounds
Chinese
Muslim
homeless
elderly
a parent of a differently abled child

etc. etc.

In other words, I think it's important to have empathy for every single member of our site by not assuming that everyone is like us and showing sensitivity towards readers we don't know anything about every time we post. This goes for posting a joke, a rant, or making a statement to all (i.e. considering whether it really fits "all").

Good point. I know I have an issue with bringing ALL my brain info to most situations. As the practical empathy pdf link revealed, being totally present and not bringing baggage into a therapeutic relationship is number 1 on that list of 7 requirements. You cannot effectively practice empathy if judging, measuring, being overwhelmed to the point of sympathizing.
This is something I know I need to be more mindful of. Thanks for your observation NYCfembbw. Loved your photo on the now closed thread btw. Your happy smile was the best part. You looked content.

[Prudence]

I think it comes down to left brain, right brain thinking. And I'm sure I will be sorry I made that statement.

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

On a micro level, how do we build a culture of empathy here on BFP?

One thought I have is that it is important when we post that we think that any member could be reading the post and how will they feel after reading it if they are, for example,

400 pounds
Chinese
Muslim
homeless
elderly
a parent of a differently abled child

etc. etc.

In other words, I think it's important to have empathy for every single member of our site by not assuming that everyone is like us and showing sensitivity towards readers we don't know anything about every time we post. This goes for posting a joke, a rant, or making a statement to all (i.e. considering whether it really fits "all").

AMEN!!!!!!

[mariamma]

The first line in the mission statement invokes the principals of serotonergic search for well-being and connection to the Great Spirit/Source. A deeply spiritual practice based on Buddhist/Shamanic/Taoist traditions. Thank you for sharing my sis Licious.
Of course one cannot have empathy without well-being and happiness and a world that supports well-being and happiness. You can work empathy with grace and skill but if you live in South Sudan or Syria right now, it won't be your reality.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

This ..

I believe that if how we raise our sons changed then we'd have a bit of a less violent world. Teaching our male children differently to what they are being taught now would hopefully eliminate the hate culture towatds woman.

How we treat our young when they are in our care could change the balance.

Yes, absolutely! Thanks for sharing.

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

This ..

I believe that if how we raise our sons changed then we'd have a bit of a less violent world. Teaching our male children differently to what they are being taught now would hopefully eliminate the hate culture towatds woman.

How we treat our young when they are in our care could change the balance.

agreed. and how we raise our daughters will contribute to the same balance change. a person with healthy boundaries and an understanding of their personal responsibility and authority has no need to bend others or allow others to bend them unnecessarily. a few generations of children who refused to consent to institutionalized hatred would be a powerful force, and an irrefutably brilliant one.

[Toughy]

I think understanding and practicing non-violent communication would go a long way towards creating an atmosphere of empathy.

Several years back, a group of us studied non-violent communication by using a book and workbook. It was eye opening for me and really helped me understand why and how I was thinking and communicating those thoughts. It is really useful in interpersonal relationships of all kinds.

The book/workbook came from this site: https://www.cnvc.org/ It's the Center for Non Violent Communication.

I need a refresher for sure.........lol

If you want to change your brain chemistry then you have to create new neural pathways to replace the old ones. That can be done many ways, but I think communication is a part of doing that. A change of attitude will also help. You want to encourage your brain to create happy chemicals rather than unhappy chemicals. You can control what you think and how you express it...it takes practice and time. And we should never forget the importance of exercise.

laughin.......damn I wish I was better at it...........

[Licious]

Originally Posted by Toughy

The book/workbook came from this site: https://www.cnvc.org/ It's the Center for Non Violent Communication.

I need a refresher for sure.........lol

...

I appreciate all the links posted earlier regarding hormones and am checking them all out. Great information.

Communication and words are powerful tools as well for creating empathy.

I studied with Marshall Rosenberg when he started up in the 80s, and lived here in Santa Barbara. *Founder of CNVC system of communication*

The communication method was an eye-opener.

We don't always realize how our own words, how we form sentences, and how we speak to others affects our own perception. Well, let me speak for myself, I didn't always realize.

Speaking in an empathetic way, non-attacking way, is good for fostering empathy.

I am not sure how communication styles alter brain chemistry or hormones, but plan to look into that.

And I need a refresher course as well. Tools get rusty if not employed.

Thanks for the reminder, I appreciate it.

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Licious

I appreciate all the links posted earlier regarding hormones and am checking them all out. Great information.

Communication and words are powerful tools as well for creating empathy.

I studied with Marshall Rosenberg when he started up in the 80s, and lived here in Santa Barbara. *Founder of CNVC system of communication*

The communication method was an eye-opener.

We don't always realize how our own words, how we form sentences, and how we speak to others affects our own perception. Well, let me speak for myself, I didn't always realize.

Speaking in an empathetic way, non-attacking way, is good for fostering empathy.

I am not sure how communication styles alter brain chemistry or hormones, but plan to look into that.

And I need a refresher course as well. Tools get rusty if not employed.

Thanks for the reminder, I appreciate it.

Thank you for the above in particular, Licious!

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I guess I subscribe to the nature/nurture way of looking at things.

I think people have the amount of empathy they have, because of genetic, chemical or other physical elements (including the stuff you're talking about), but also because of how they were socialized and treated when they were infants and children.

That said, how do we go about Building a Culture of Empathy, as your thread is titled? it sounds like a wonderful goal, but I wouldn't know how to get it started.

I believe you're perfectly right IslandScout. It does matter how you work with it. We are socialized to preform certain actions depending on the culture we were raised in. In Southern Africa, they have a spiritual concept of Ubuntu where they encourage sharing and communal living (ideally). I provided a link but it basically means 'I have because we have, if you have needs, then I have needs since we are One.' How they deal with empathy there is different than how Americans deal with it.
If dialogue comes out of this thread, then that's good. Not sure everyone in the world likes the idea of empathy or sharing. It's too hippie and new-aged for some. Too up close and personal for others. I do believe women who are mothers handle it differently since having a baby is a hugely emotional experience. I started this thread to share the idea Building a Culture of Empathy and also because I wanted to see how others feel/sense empathy and how they use it in their lives.
You always have a wonderfully simple and concise way of cutting to the meat of the matter IslandScout and I appreciate reading your observations. You often make me look at things in a different way.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I guess I subscribe to the nature/nurture way of looking at things.

I think people have the amount of empathy they have, because of genetic, chemical or other physical elements (including the stuff you're talking about), but also because of how they were socialized and treated when they were infants and children.

.

I guess that blows reincarnation and past lives out of the water. lol

You know for so many years I've read, explored and studied why things are they way they are. I have honestly tried to make sense, especially when it comes to humans; how some humans can be so fucking cruel and others to pure to believe. I have a hard time statistics and so-called scientific data. I dislike and avoid the medical field as much as possible. I will never buy the whole brain chemical concept. I will never believe that any of us are patterned to the same or that there are genetic switches that dictate who we are.

I do believe that humans LOVE labels and that they often get caught up in demanding an answer for every little thing. I think science sees us coming and pharmaceutical companies draw humans into their market.

Empathy, compassion, love, desire, all the things that make us human is open for interpretation because the funny thing is that none of us expresses it the same way or maybe it is the same yet how we measure it. Does that make sense?

I spent hours crying over a dog that isn't mine because she's old and has to be put to sleep. I don't think I'm programmed any different I'm just a human who's experience "right now" connects with animals. I woke up at 4am and masturbated to fantasies some may consider "taboo" and they were completely against consensus standards. Maybe I have some wires crossed? hahahaha well hell yeah I probably do!

The whole science thing is unsettling to me because there are always exceptions to the rule. Often more then the so called facts will say.

Today I just give it to the universe, try and be present and allow whatever emotions I'm having to flow through me. I just don't question it any more and for me its just all part of my human experience.

[NorCalStud]

I listened to the dog youtube Mariama. It was very interesting. Dogs are a big part of how I roll in life. There is alot to be said about that.

I am simple. I dont believe caucasian america and caucasion science has the universal answer to creating a more empathetic world. That is oh so scary when that kind of thinking is present. It is a priveledge just to have the time to talk in sometimes an intangible language. So when it balls up...when language and emotion mess up; there is love, admiration, and respect to remember.

The first empathy to give....no matter what ...my opinion...smiling. We dont know each other's language???? Even here on this site...we can go toward...lack of trust...or we can stand and face each other from different tribes and different dialects and SMILE...smiling is reassuring to people who lack trust. If that is all we can communicate then it could and has been lifesaving. Example: pretty damn sure Lewis and Clark smiled alot.

I want to take this time to say how much I appreciate the thinking that goes into our language here. It is fascinating to me...all that we express. Such really great people I have the great fortune to know at this time. I do believe in reincarnation and there is no accident we are here now discussing...