Building a Culture of Empathy

[aishah]

Of course one cannot have empathy without well-being and happiness and a world that supports well-being and happiness. You can work empathy with grace and skill but if you live in South Sudan or Syria right now, it won't be your reality.

i disagree. i grew up in a situation where most people did not have well-being and happiness (by american standards - well below the poverty line, very little access to resources and a lot of violence) and there was still empathy. people took care of each other, understood each other, and looked out for each other much better than they did when i lived in places where there was a higher rate of well-being and happiness. i certainly don't feel empathy as often in my relationships where i live now, where most people have much more money and time. it's been my experience, and i've read some things, about how communities tend to come together and support each other more through poverty and conflict. i can't dig up any specific articles right now b/c i'm on my way to the doctor, but i'll try to post some later. i think victor frankl may have written about this a bit in man's search for meaning.

[*Anya*]

I read somewhere that for children to learn empathy, parents need to model it but also to teach it.

Encouraging your children to put themselves in another's shoes, to imagine how they would feel if something happened to them in the same way.

Conversely, I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive home but always could put myself in the shoes of another and have no idea how that happened. My parents never taught it or modeled it.

Perhaps some are born more sensitive and empathetic.

Another variation on the nature vs. nurture conundrum?

[nycfem]

Did you have anyone with whom you had meaningful contact while young (a teacher, a neighbor, a relative, a sitter, etc.) that may have fostered empathy in you? I have read that can be a saving grace for kids in homes where empathy is not there to be learned. My own mom was abused and dissociative/fractured, while my dad was abusive. I did have a sitter who made a huge difference to me. Now she is my mom's best friend (After my dad left my mom, unfortunately this was when I had already grown up, my mom became so much more stabilized.).

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I read somewhere that for children to learn empathy, parents need to model it but also to teach it.

Encouraging your children to put themselves in another's shoes, to imagine how they would feel if something happened to them in the same way.

Conversely, I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive home but always could put myself in the shoes of another and have no idea how that happened. My parents never taught it or modeled it.

Perhaps some are born more sensitive and empathetic.

Another variation on the nature vs. nurture conundrum?

[NorCalStud]

The idea that if we were to all express the emotions we feel at the time we feel them or as soon as we can at least acknowledge them...That we are ready and clear to feel empathy and create empathetic environments. We are born cooperative. We get hurt. We are not always supported to deal with pain. We walk through life with this pain. I think as we clear our own trauma; we become available.

[Metro]

Originally Posted by NCS

The idea that if we were to all express the emotions we feel at the time we feel them or as soon as we can at least acknowledge them...That we are ready and clear to feel empathy and create empathetic environments. We are born cooperative. We get hurt. We are not always supported to deal with pain. We walk through life with this pain. I think as we clear our own trauma; we become available.

NCS -- This is an interesting concept, and may I go out on a limb and guess that you pose it as an ideal?

It is my own experience that each individual processes feelings in their own unique way. For some there is a need or inclination to talk through emotions with another person as a way to come to their own understanding. Others have a need to process emotions in their own head first before expressing or speaking about their emotions (and a spectrum of communication styles in between).

As you say, people get hurt. For some this may influence their communication style and ability to process and communicate their feelings in the moment.

Well, that's my experience anyway.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by Metro

NCS -- This is an interesting concept, and may I go out on a limb and guess that you pose it as an ideal?

It is my own experience that each individual processes feelings in their own unique way. For some there is a need or inclination to talk through emotions with another person as a way to come to their own understanding. Others have a need to process emotions in their own head first before expressing or speaking about their emotions (and a spectrum of communication styles in between).

As you say, people get hurt. For some this may influence their communication style and ability to process and communicate their feelings in the moment.

Well, that's my experience anyway.

Thanks for sharing Metro. I like what you said about processing emotions. It's my experience as well but I believe you wrote it better than I could have.

[NorCalStud]

Yes interesting words from you. It is idealistic. I am an idealist and am currently correcting how I live my ideals....for instance....living without judging myself and others.

We DO process our feelings differently. Here are three ideal ways we can clear our pain efficiently and with love :
I call it hang out therapy...any place or person where and with whom you feel safe and feel is a safe place to express emotion you know you have buried. That someone agrees to pay complete attention with loving regard for your anger, laughter, tears whatever....They hear you and decide not to get into their own stuff at that time. Being heard lovingly goes a long way ...
I believe if we make every lil thing we do a ceremony that that is another way to live life and that in that contradiction of oh say, capitalism and patriarchy for instance ,we resist the pain and in that resistance we survive from that "way" and in surviving we Create and in creating ...we Heal.

Another way is about a certain type of hypnotherapy I took as a class at Heartwood College...dealing with inner child work etc where it uses transformative and agreed upon guidance to....take this pain and turn it to gold...Alchemical Hypnotherapy.

Ultimately I am way way anti One wayism. I believe in the concept of Widening the Circle...never leaving anyone and their ideals outside...unleaa they are evil. I stand open and ready to receive knowledge and love and I am humbled with what I have learned.

[mariamma]

The hang out therapy....it's mostly what I do with shades of people who are trying to pass over. It is a most powerful healing. It's why many 'confess' to me and many others in the world. To be heard and understood. Many do not get it in life.

It does take empathic communication. A deep listening with all the senses and not really replying. The worst thing one can do in moments like that is derail the story with questions at the wrong place. Listening with love is probably the most important aspect.

Thanks for sharing your experience NCS

Originally Posted by NCS

Yes interesting words from you. It is idealistic. I am an idealist and am currently correcting how I live my ideals....for instance....living without judging myself and others.

We DO process our feelings differently. Here are three ideal ways we can clear our pain efficiently and with love :
I call it hang out therapy...any place or person where and with whom you feel safe and feel is a safe place to express emotion you know you have buried. That someone agrees to pay complete attention with loving regard for your anger, laughter, tears whatever....They hear you and decide not to get into their own stuff at that time. Being heard lovingly goes a long way ...
I believe if we make every lil thing we do a ceremony that that is another way to live life and that in that contradiction of oh say, capitalism and patriarchy for instance ,we resist the pain and in that resistance we survive from that "way" and in surviving we Create and in creating ...we Heal.

Another way is about a certain type of hypnotherapy I took as a class at Heartwood College...dealing with inner child work etc where it uses transformative and agreed upon guidance to....take this pain and turn it to gold...Alchemical Hypnotherapy.

Ultimately I am way way anti One wayism. I believe in the concept of Widening the Circle...never leaving anyone and their ideals outside...unleaa they are evil. I stand open and ready to receive knowledge and love and I am humbled with what I have learned.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by NCS

The idea that if we were to all express the emotions we feel at the time we feel them or as soon as we can at least acknowledge them...That we are ready and clear to feel empathy and create empathetic environments. We are born cooperative. We get hurt. We are not always supported to deal with pain. We walk through life with this pain. I think as we clear our own trauma; we become available.

I'm not understanding what you mean. Can you please clarify?
As Nomad inferred, we CAN express an emotion but just because we have a feeling, we don't have to act upon it. It's much harder with emotions that are born of dopamine (ask a schizophrenic or addict) but it's possible.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Did you have anyone with whom you had meaningful contact while young (a teacher, a neighbor, a relative, a sitter, etc.) that may have fostered empathy in you? I have read that can be a saving grace for kids in homes where empathy is not there to be learned. My own mom was abused and dissociative/fractured, while my dad was abusive. I did have a sitter who made a huge difference to me. Now she is my mom's best friend (After my dad left my mom, unfortunately this was when I had already grown up, my mom became so much more stabilized.).

I believe it had to have been my maternal grandmother. Until I was 10 I did spend a lot of time with her on the weekends. She was loving and caring to me.

My mon would have been different had my grandmother raised her but she was thrown out of her orthodox Jewish family for getting pregnant with my mom out-of-wedlock as they called it and her father was a rabbi. She boarded my mom with a very strict, abusive family and my mom was the scapegoat of the other foster kids.

So yes, I guess I learned empathy from my grandmother.

Thanks Nannie. She died at age 95. I still miss her.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Did you have anyone with whom you had meaningful contact while young (a teacher, a neighbor, a relative, a sitter, etc.) that may have fostered empathy in you? I have read that can be a saving grace for kids in homes where empathy is not there to be learned. My own mom was abused and dissociative/fractured, while my dad was abusive. I did have a sitter who made a huge difference to me. Now she is my mom's best friend (After my dad left my mom, unfortunately this was when I had already grown up, my mom became so much more stabilized.).

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I believe it had to have been my maternal grandmother. Until I was 10 I did spend a lot of time with her on the weekends. She was loving and caring to me.

My mon would have been different had my grandmother raised her but she was thrown out of her orthodox Jewish family for getting pregnant with my mom out-of-wedlock as they called it and her father was a rabbi. She boarded my mom with a very strict, abusive family and my mom was the scapegoat of the other foster kids.

So yes, I guess I learned empathy from my grandmother.

Thanks Nannie. She died at age 95. I still miss her.

Yes, nycfembbw. It is truly amazing how that happens. A child having just one person in their lives, even for a short period of time (like one school year), who is emotionally attentive and lets the child know that they matter can "undo" so much "bad stuff" (for lack of a better word).

I'm glad you had that someone like that in your life, Anya.

[Toughy]

Interesting link about empathy vs sympathy

http://www.diffen.com/difference/Empathy_vs_Sympathy

I wonder if different chemicals are produced.........I could not find the answer because the search kept going to the sympathetic nervous system.....


<snip> Sympathy essentially implies a feeling of recognition of another's suffering while empathy is actually sharing another's suffering, if only briefly. Empathy is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes". So empathy is a deeper emotional experience.

Empathy develops into an unspoken understanding and mutual decision making that is unquestioned, and forms the basis of tribal community. Sympathy may be positive or negative, in the sense that it attracts a perceived quality to a perceived self identity, or it gives love and assistance to the unfortunate and needy.

<snip>
Compassion can form a base for both empathy and sympathy, and each may be seen as aspects of wisdom, or the means through which wisdom is synthesized. Sympathy also involves caring, but a compassionate sense of assistance and protection for those who are poor and less fortunate. Empathy is expressed when trying to feel someone else’s feeling who generally is known to you.
<snip>

[mariamma]

I heard this program this morning and was moved by their many points. Not really an episode about empathy but more about how lack of insight eventually effects all people.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/play_full.php?play=474

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Did you have anyone with whom you had meaningful contact while young (a teacher, a neighbor, a relative, a sitter, etc.) that may have fostered empathy in you? I have read that can be a saving grace for kids in homes where empathy is not there to be learned. My own mom was abused and dissociative/fractured, while my dad was abusive. I did have a sitter who made a huge difference to me. Now she is my mom's best friend (After my dad left my mom, unfortunately this was when I had already grown up, my mom became so much more stabilized.).

Children are resilient. There's an old longitudinal study and book, Children of the Island State? that discusses this. The resilient kids had a mentor, a teacher, one person who showed compassion and strove to understand the kid where s/he was. In the study, they were the ones who overcame their abusive histories and excelled in life.

There are always exceptions to the rule, always a minority that will do the opposite.

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by aishah

i disagree. i grew up in a situation where most people did not have well-being and happiness (by american standards - well below the poverty line, very little access to resources and a lot of violence) and there was still empathy. people took care of each other, understood each other, and looked out for each other much better than they did when i lived in places where there was a higher rate of well-being and happiness. i certainly don't feel empathy as often in my relationships where i live now, where most people have much more money and time. it's been my experience, and i've read some things, about how communities tend to come together and support each other more through poverty and conflict. i can't dig up any specific articles right now b/c i'm on my way to the doctor, but i'll try to post some later. i think victor frankl may have written about this a bit in man's search for meaning.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by aishah

i disagree. i grew up in a situation where most people did not have well-being and happiness (by american standards - well below the poverty line, very little access to resources and a lot of violence) and there was still empathy. people took care of each other, understood each other, and looked out for each other much better than they did when i lived in places where there was a higher rate of well-being and happiness. i certainly don't feel empathy as often in my relationships where i live now, where most people have much more money and time. it's been my experience, and i've read some things, about how communities tend to come together and support each other more through poverty and conflict. i can't dig up any specific articles right now b/c i'm on my way to the doctor, but i'll try to post some later. i think victor frankl may have written about this a bit in man's search for meaning.

Thank you for sharing your experience Aishah. I think there are differences between I mean by well-being and happiness and what you are referring to.

YOU ARE RIGHT in that people in poverty share more than people who have abundant wealth. People in poverty share more percentage-wise than their 'richer' fellow American. People who SEE poverty, who live around poverty (for example in a gentrified area) share more than people in insulated communities but less (percentage-wise) than people who live in poverty.

This is probably the evolutionary benefit of empathy and oxytocin. By sharing what we have, we all enjoy together or suffer together. Another evolutionary benefit of empathy and oxytocin is sharing ideas, team building and a probably synergistic effect of 'better outcomes thru working together than working alone'.

When I refer to "well-being" and "Happiness" I am referring to the action of serotonin and something more akin to...a Buddhist's sense of well-being. In the moment, not wanting (dopamine = I want/crave) being at peace and at One.

I did state things in a way that it could seem that I believed there is no empathy in South Sudan or Syria. There is ALWAYS a significant minority that does the opposite of what the general population does. Left-handed people, LGBTIQ people are a few readily seen. There were Catholics who hid and supported Jews in Nazi Germany. There are always those who see 'what is right' and will act accordingly. They are the exception and not the rule.

And it's also my experience that people will act 1 way in public (like they are happy and at peace) yet it's an act. I am empathic and can feel the untruth of their feeling. It's disturbing and is why I actively do energy work. I'm tired of seeing and feeling people who act one way and emote another and the schizophrenic sensation it induces in said person. And then they wonder why they are unhappy or have no love in their lives. I tend to get many who 'confess' to me. They often will say things like "I practice random acts of kindness but I don't feel any happier". When I say "Acting happy and being happy are 2 different things" they often don't get it.

But this is the America we live in now. Truth is ignored because it's too inconvenient and honesty is seen as 'saving face'.

[aishah]

i think my discomfort is with the idea that one can make blanket statements about empathy in a society.

i have friends who are from syria and have relatives there. thinking of what they've told me, and talking with people who've lived there (or in other areas with a lot of conflict and poverty such as palestine), i am not sure i could see them saying the same thing about empathy being the exception rather than the rule. i don't want to speak for them, but i do want to challenge the idea that one can make blanket statements about people doing what is good/right/moral or practicing empathy in a society.

if your definition of happiness and well-being has to do with serotonin and being "at peace" or in the buddhist sense, having equanimity, i don't understand how the prevalence of that in the united states is any different than in syria or south sudan.