Spouses/Partners of Transmen and transwomen...

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by Mrs Arcstriker

Our world is a bit different Julieisafemme...(Can I call you Julie?)

We live in a conservative part of New England so our experience is totally different...oh, and we are old as crap (Arc's 51 and I am pushing 46...) I totally agree with what you say, regarding not caring if people don't understand you. I am just happy to be who we are, and it is obvious that you and your partner are happy with who you are too...

As for the spaces where you can be yourselves, I have to ask, where do you find them? So far we don't have a place of acceptance and that is problematic sometimes.

heh!!! I am 46 too! My partner is older than yours! We are not old as crap. I am a teenager again after coming out!

Yes I know that things are very different in other parts of the country and world. We find the spaces because they are right here where we are. Butch Voices does do events in NYC so you should check them out. Does your husband identify as a butch? Greyson does and for him butch is his gender or a third gender or a combination of both. I know this is not how all people see butch. Just his experience.

[Mrs Arcstriker]

Arc is more male id-d though he is also fine with being female. We are not part of any community outside of our regular life and neighborhood.

Thank you for planting the seed of an idea BTW that I am not old as crap! (I may just explore that!)

[Spirit Dancer]

It would seem that we all come from different regions, living in a more
metropolitan it would be an accepting atmosphere. However in small
town USA TG couples are more closted and often isolated from their peers or those who accept us.
The other thing i wanted to mention
if you can seem to find a TG community it small town USA it's usually a MtF community with very few if any FtM persons.

[aishah]

we are lucky in kansas...i know of quite a few ftm folks here. i'm not sure how much of an organized community there is - there's a big transguy campout planned next year after c. moves here so i guess we'll find out more, and i'm hooked up with a state advocacy/educational organization called kstep. i feel blessed and lucky for the queer and trans communities here.

[Mrs Arcstriker]

Originally Posted by Spirit Dancer

It would seem that we all come from different regions, living in a more
metropolitan it would be an accepting atmosphere. However in small
town USA TG couples are more closted and often isolated from their peers or those who accept us.
The other thing i wanted to mention
if you can seem to find a TG community it small town USA it's usually a MtF community with very few if any FtM persons.

Spirit...

In my community there is no other couple like us. In the "JC" where we got married years ago, the town clerk bought a 3-ring binder to hold all the marriage licenses for same-sex couples when civil union and later same-sex marriage became legal. Because I am a shitty bookkeeper we actually lost our original marriage license and had to go to town hall to get a copy...and the town clerk pulled the blue binder off the shelf that had only one page in it...You get the rest of the story here. Granted, when same-sex marriage became legal in CT, she still had us in our own special binder. Shame on her for wasting tax-payer dollars on a 2-inch binder when she could have done just as well with a pocket folder.

[Mrs Arcstriker]

BUMP!........

[Jaques]

My partner and I have been together 10 years. I came out in my late 40's - thinking I might be gay and it took me a few yrs to realise Im not. She has never dated a bio male, rather had 4 LTR's with very butch women, all of whom looked male. She has been wonderful in her support and encouraged me when going through transition. We occasionally do the gay scene, since when we met i was a drag king and performed mostly in gay clubs. However as time went on and being of an older generation, we dont go to clubs as most are frequented by much younger, single people and prefer to go to the theatre, to friends and give dinnerparties etc at home. She doesnt ID as gay and I have made my way through, absolutely loving the butch/femme dynamic, which I still do. We're easy going so we fit it pretty much anywhere. We've never encountered any problems from anyone gay or straight, even when i looked female.

[julieisafemme]

I think the posts here show that every couple has different experiences. The discussion of "passing" is a difficult one for all of us. I put the word in quotations because it is not a word I use or a word I like in relation to my partner and how others view him. The funny thing is how it happens or doesn't on any given day. How do people gender us? Greyson was in a big box store yesterday and had two women helping him at the same time and one called him she and the other he. They seemed to be unaware that they were not in agreement about their perception of his gender. Why or what made one see he and the other see she? Its's hard to know. We have no clue when we go out how we will be seen. Are we a queer couple or straight? There can be multiple variations on the same day in the same area around our home.

We pretty much don't examine it anymore. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. I "pass" as a straight woman everyday. That is the femme invisibility. It used to bother me a lot. It bothers me less and less as time goes on. It is hard for me to truly understand how it is for Greyson to have his gender and his sexual orientation up for debate for all who encounter him on a given day.

My hope is that someday people will have the tools to free them from having to make that automatic perception of what or who someone is. That is pie in the sky at this point but I do hope we get there.