Friends of Bill W.

[LeftWriteFemme]

September 13

RECOGNIZABLE NONEXISTENCE



You will never take time to tell the truth. You will always take time to tell a joke. As you run from your life I see the familiar vapor trails of an unlived life. When I flee my life through caretaking I leave the same mist of unfulfilled desire behind me. I look at your potential and the damage that you do by not being here. I turn the magnifying glass on me and search for the same trends. I feel abandoned by you, the you, you never were but always should have been. I pray for the key, which will get me on the other side of the door you never opened. I hope to live life as it is rather than the comedy it can never be.


Cross the rivers in your mind.

*

Cadentia



The randomness of love
is matched only by the randomness of loss.
What slips into view or out of grasp
whispers beyond my control.

Like cookies baking in a nearby oven
I long for the sweetness to be inside;
even if it is simply in an olfactory way.

The similarity of the pain of what I have
and the pain of what is no longer mine
haunts me; scares my security,
rattles my hope, affects my sleep.

For minutes make a life
and moments are all it takes to remove the very same.
In the end all that I know is that loss does not remove love
and love does not remove loss.

[LeftWriteFemme]

September 14

KILLER SQUIRRELS AND OTHER SOBER DRAMA


I can tell you stories to make your hair curl: death-defying fifth steps, speaking commitments with microphoned podiums, sponsees with killer squirrels trapped in the house. Courage and sheer determination are needed to face plague, after crisis, after pestilence, and yet with sober mind and willing heart these travails are surmounted and we live on. Tears turn to laughter with rescue and remedy. How strong we feel as the cape is passed, when the one-time panic prone sponsee becomes the model of calm and stable sponsor. Hoards of relatives at holidays and interactions with bankers, police officers and all manner of people in shiny shoes are handled with grace and boundaries. Porch loving skunks, children becoming teenagers are faced with humor and wit. Things, which in years gone by would have sent us screaming to the phone, are now casual asides during after-meeting discussion. Life does keep on spinning but we learn how to stand still.


Spend a day on a lily pad.

*


Heartfelt


Boab trees litter my dreams;
gossipy like old women in the late afternoon sun,
I wonder at the tales they tell though
I am far too young to understand.

The Australian Kimberly shelters these mysteries in life;
they shelter me in the far off wilderness of my mind.
Coming to age seems merely a step
when in the presence of the ancient beauty of long endured life.

Too long drought, too deep rain,
are places I can pick my face up from,
stand my ground or be on my way.
The leaves may fall, but they will return in my dreams
and I will return to my life.

[LeftWriteFemme]

Sept 15

WHINING BRATS


Some days whining brats come at me from all directions and my hair won’t curl. Apathy chases me around the house. I wonder how it has more energy than I do. My mind twists into a wrinkled mess; I drag my good foot and hop on the bad one. And even on those days I still rather be me; I never long to be the innocent victim or the spiritual leader, the tough guy or the PhD. No matter how bad it gets or what the struggle is, there is no place sweeter than in my head. Many are the days when I wished not to exist, not at all, but never to shuck my skin for the skin of another. Now that I manage, breathe right and face each day with cheer I know it was almost worth it and might be worth it yet.


Write your name on a piece of paper and slip it into your pocket.
*

Warhol Wouldn’t Be


There is no trick to art.
If I work to make my pieces fit with the familiar
I lose my individuality.

If I make what is truly me
I fear there is no line in which to stand.
I must make the work, find the market,
live life and die happy;

All this with no map
and a world filled with people
who tell me what to do,
but none who can guarantee the outcome.

My unwillingness to fight,
to look at and feel the ugliness of life
is at the core of my impediment.

[femmsational]

LeftWriteFemme,

I am so hoping that I don't mess up your place of peace with my post....but....(isn't there always a but) I need a place to vent my spleen. And I can NOT do it at the meetings I go to, because this resenment stems from those meetings. So I'm gonna do it here because you guys have been in the program long enough that hopefully you can talk me off my resentment ledge.

Hi, My name is Julie and I am an addict and an alcoholic!!!!


I can not STAND when in meetings people start going on and on and ON about god and religion. Our program is there for everyone who has this disease we call addiction. The belief in a higher power is the cornerstone for all that follows, BUT....It is god as WE understand him. It is NOT....YOUR....general you's, version. It is a very personal thing and many struggle greatly to accept this concept so they can get on with the deal of working the steps.

If, 23 years ago when I entered the rooms for the first time, if someone had told me I had to turn my will and my life over to their god, I would have run screaming back out the door. And I'd still be out there, unless I was 6 feet under with toes up.

Step two even spells it out....a power greater than yourself. Thirds step....god as you understand him. It is worded that way for a reason. But sitting in my meetings lately I have heard all sorts of judgement surrounding this. People with 15 or 20 years not talking about how their god works in their life but actually telling the people in the meetings that the only way to stay sober is to go to church, get on your knees etc. etc. And then of course their sponsees all follow the same line of thinking and spewing.

Over the past month I've seen at least 12 newbies run, and I mean RUN out the doors after hearing these messages. What do I do? I run after them. And try to explain how it works for ME. But after sitting for 20 or so minutes in a room where the majority message is....you must do this, this way or you will fail....I'm just one more crazy person stalking them out of the room. An active addict is not going to have the ability to sort all this out. Remember how crazy headed you were when you first started. I didn't have a rational thought for 4 years for goodness sake. So how can these poor people reason out what I'm trying to say to them?


Why does this make me mad? Because this is a fatal disease!!! How many of those people go straight back to using? Probably a lot. That makes me more insane than I already am.

I know for me, i struggled greatly with the concept of a higher power. I was raised in a religion that was very judgy. I turned my back on it so when I had to get sober in order to live, i fought for years trying to figure out a power greater than myself. I was super lucky because my first sponser just kept working with me. She told me the only thing I could NOT do was pick up.The rest would come. And it did. And after seven years (sometimes quickly....sometimes not LOL) I finally came to grips with a power greater than myself. And I was able to turn it over, about 150 times a day, still, but I DO turn it over to a god of MY understanding.

I've had sponsees over the years who we had to use things like the ocean, the wind, the smell of a flower. One even used the light switch that turned on the light as her higher power for almost two years. And that worked. Because all it is, is something GREATER than yourself.

This is a program that is measured by progress, not perfection. Nobody has to be perfect with a perfect higher power. Each individual addict needs to seek their own. One that works for them. And not everyones is going to look the same. Mine is an evil bitch with a great sense of humor. Usually humor at my expense but that teaches me things I obviously need to be taught.


I'm just so sad that newbies are leaving the meetings because of a bad message that seems to have become the new fad in my area. I know this is my issue. I know that I can only do what I can do or what my higher power shows me to do, but.....hehehe....I have this damn disease that makes me think I need to be in control of everything and MUST save everyone.


LeftWriteFemme, again I hope I'm not messing up your space with my rantings. I just really needed to vent my spleen and the meetings would not be the place for it. Doing it here I hope will get me to a point that I can drop this damn rock I seem bent on dragging around with me. So thank you for this place and the opportunity for me to get rid of it!!!


Take care,
julie

M'name is Scooby and I'm an alkie-addict.

I for one am so grateful that you posted Julie and am purty sure the OP won't have a problem with you posting a 'rant'. I have been hoping that more folks might feel able to post their 'stuff' in here.

It's gettin' late here in UK and it's my bath/film time after attending tonight's meeting and some soberific fellowship afterwards but I do intend to come back to your post with my thoughts about it.

Just remember...we have no control over people, places and things.

as the cyborg said...I'll be back!

[LeftWriteFemme]

Originally Posted by femmsational

LeftWriteFemme, again I hope I'm not messing up your space with my rantings. I just really needed to vent my spleen and the meetings would not be the place for it. Doing it here I hope will get me to a point that I can drop this damn rock I seem bent on dragging around with me. So thank you for this place and the opportunity for me to get rid of it!!!


Take care,
julie

Hey Julie, I am delighted you shared in here. I assure you this is not my space, this is OUR space........I'm simply the one compulsive enough to post here everyday. I hope you will come often and share. I agree with Daktari, I really wish this to be a place where everyone comes and shares.

By the way I agree with everything you shared and often want to run screaming when folks try to pour their brand of HP on the group! It's wrong and these are the folks I pray most for because they are so missing the boat on what the 12 steps have to offer by trying to proselytize in meetings.

Have a great day!

Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

September 16

ROOFTOP COFFEE



Who is more powerless: the person driving down the road with his cup of coffee on the roof of the car, or the one who sees it happen? Lost in mental chaos, lost to the small things, I set the cup and forget, or content and serene, I am examining details and notice the oddness. When my mind wanders I am helpless in the whirlpool and suction. When I am grounded I am struck by the separate sealedness of the carnival around me. Potential rides on the top; will it fall forward or back? Will there be a sticky haze on the front windshield or the rear? Or I could remember at the stoplight and spare myself everything but the embarrassment. As the observer I try to be helpful, I point and jump and shout, calling the predicament to the attention of others in an attempt to increase my chances of success. We all stand as the coffee speeds away to unknown disaster.


Wear your boldness like a mane.
*

Hand Washing


I live a simple life now;
I handle life as it is dished up.
I no longer need to make use of the dish prison.

Living an orderly active life I find it untenable
to have my favorite spoon or bowl held hostage
until I make enough mess to run the dishwasher through.

I don’t live an ‘Eight is Enough’ type existence
and need not burden my psyche
trying to save my hands a little soap.

I save the Cascade for visits to waterfalls,
Jet Dry for landing strips.

[LeftWriteFemme]

September 17

HATCHLING



When the shell gets too tight it’s time to hatch. I can’t tell you it’s safe out there, just that it’s time to go. The leaving is not easy. Exodus fulfilled by the use of one small tooth. This experience may or may not prepare you for the rest of your life, so much still depends on predestination and your attitude. I mean are you a chicken or a hawk? A peacock or dove? Or is there something of which I am unaware? Did someone sit on your nest or was it covered in sand? Are you turtle, lizard or snake? See, so much is out of your hands, but still your actions are your choice.


Touch your books and pet them.

*

Ovoid

I can pretend at this normal life for a period of time
then the plaster starts to crack on this white picket fence
and it’s all down hill from there.

I am better than I was;
I am happier and more well adjusted,
yet I am still far from fitting with the standard fittings,
I am an off size, my threads run counter to the average fixture,

I spent too much time on the rack
to resemble anything from off the rack.
It’s not that I am so special;
it is just that I am Special Ed.

Performance anxiety and paranoia regularly take me out of round
though even with these kept at bay I am not your normal nut.
I assure you that you can dress me up and take me out,
just don’t try to take me home.