Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[MissItalianDiva]

Originally Posted by Fatale

I think that's what a lot of my stuff is about, too. I want my space, I want my life the way I want my life and if you can fit into that, great. If not, well, we'll have an issue. I very much come from a place of believing we should each have our own friends with whom we do things separately some times. It makes the time we spend together sweeter. I think it's healthy to have whole lives that can be brought to the table. I don't want to merge with you. We can amalgamize from time to time, but I still want to retain my own properties. I guess I'm mercurial.

Beautifully put! I just don't feel the need to mesh spaces either. I want to maintain my own sense of self and space. I do believe this is possible with a like minded individual but definitely have grown and come to the point where I am absolutely not willing to accept anything but what I know I want and need. That might seem unreasonable to some and perhaps it is but it is one of my non negotiables.

[thedivahrrrself]

<------------ does NOT like sharing closet space.

Originally Posted by MissItalianDiva

I don't feel I have any real relationship fears other than the normal doubts when one first is still getting to know one another

BUT

What I do have and need to continue to work on is that I sometimes don't like to share my personal space and self. It's odd. I am selfish with my space and time. It isn't that I don't want to or can't be open to sharing that space it is just a conscious effort to get there. Something that took me a very long time to become aware of. It was a lot easier to just blame it on being busy with my family or business but the fact is that is BS I am an amazing multi tasker and have plenty of time IF I choose to make the time.

Originally Posted by Fatale

I think that's what a lot of my stuff is about, too. I want my space, I want my life the way I want my life and if you can fit into that, great. If not, well, we'll have an issue. I very much come from a place of believing we should each have our own friends with whom we do things separately some times. It makes the time we spend together sweeter. I think it's healthy to have whole lives that can be brought to the table. I don't want to merge with you. We can amalgamize from time to time, but I still want to retain my own properties. I guess I'm mercurial.

Originally Posted by MissItalianDiva

Beautifully put! I just don't feel the need to mesh spaces either. I want to maintain my own sense of self and space. I do believe this is possible with a like minded individual but definitely have grown and come to the point where I am absolutely not willing to accept anything but what I know I want and need. That might seem unreasonable to some and perhaps it is but it is one of my non negotiables.

[starryeyes]

I don't have any fears other than fact that my partner is 20 years older than me. I get afraid that I am going to be alone sooner than I want to be, or go through issues with her aging when I am still relatively young. I am a freak when it comes to thinking about the future and being paranoid anyways, so that doesn't help. We talk about it and deal with it. We are both in it for the long haul, so it is what it is, regardless. I just can't imagine my life without her, so that's what gets me all scared.

[Nomad]

i thought i had too many fears to count but then i realized that the real issue is that i'm afraid i wont be accountable enough to and for myself

[MissItalianDiva]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

<------------ does NOT like sharing closet space.

Ummmm don't even go there lol the mere thought of sharing closet space gives me panic attacks..lol just not going to work

[tazz]

my fears are abandonement; i also have a strong personality (i've toned it down a lot) and a lot of peeps choose not to deal with me instead of communicating.

few tend to have patience to get to know me to fully understand and adore me.

i take a lot, and i also give a lot in return...

who i have attracted has always been an issue, since my self-worth was not always that great... it's gotten a hell of a lot better.

i'm not afraid to up and move, since i consider myself a "mobile" individual. there are a few places i would rather live than in California.

do i have a handle on my issues...? You Betcha...

it's not always easy for me to meet and get into a relationship... i'm very jaded and cautious... but once i feel i can trust, my world and heart opens... and it wont take an ice pick to get there

i used to be a "people pleaser"... not so much anymore... either you like me and accept me or not...

~namaste'

[D Phryxus]

A lot of my relationship fears and concerns relate to my own self-esteem. i know this and admit to it.

I am poly and I am married to a man. WE have dated separately and we have dated the same person in both closed and open relationship.
The fears that developed after a few tries at dating the same person is a few of them about 3-6 months into dating have broken things off with me saying that they are only interested in my husband and do not find me sexually attractive.
This was a low-blow. I felt like it was the equivalent of taking my self-esteem and throwing it on the ground in order to stomp on a few times before throwing it into a meat grinder.
(side note: my husband did not continue dating these woman because he felt they were not open and honest enough about what they wanted and resented their treatment of me)

As someone who is naturally nervous about approaching women in general...the previosu relationships caused me to wonder if any woman would ever be interested in me.

I ended up dating again but I still have these insecurities about my own attractiveness, especially when it comes to sexual relationships.

[SirenManda]

My biggest relationship fear is feeling like I have to tone down my natural personality. I can come off stuck up if people can't realize I'm being sarcastic. I don't want to bottle all my comments and hold back how I feel because someone is overly sensitive. Needless to say, I can be hard to deal with.

[WheatToast]

Originally Posted by SirenManda

My biggest relationship fear is feeling like I have to tone down my natural personality. I can come off stuck up if people can't realize I'm being sarcastic. I don't want to bottle all my comments and hold back how I feel because someone is overly sensitive. Needless to say, I can be hard to deal with.

Seems like you'd be easy to deal with because you're so direct. I like that!
Anyway...
I've had a hell of a time trying not to overthink relationship issues.
I've had to overcome a lot of fixed beliefs and behaviors, like people pleasing, codependency, and erring on the side of being more reserved than I actually am.
I also had to learn that disputes happen, and if I don't advocate for my own position, she's not going to, either.
Also, I've had to release the belief that I was forever doomed to attract cheaters, users and liars.
Each time that's happened, I worried more and more that I would never find a woman whose values more closely matched my own.
To find my part in attracting some of these shady ladies, it took dragging myself back to early childhood and seeing how I learned to take on the role of the schlimazel (mom), because the schlamiel (dad) was a cheater and liar, which to me always seemed far more obnoxious, and even villainous.
I finally figured out I didn't have to choose either role, so I was free to give up my martyr's crown of thorns, and the lofty opinion I held of myself as being more moral than most. Ugh.
What fun it was to admit to myself that sometimes all I really want is to hit it and quit it. Turns out it's not scandalous; it's called being single.

I finally decided to turn all the complicated bits over to my higher power because I was exhausted trying to sort things out with women, romance and my bumbling assumptions.

Like a lot of butches, I'm often drawn to beautiful femme 'bad girls,' because they're usually sexy as all get-out and so much fun (until either my self esteem collapses because I think I'm not in her league, or one night she comes home late with rug burn on her back, smelling like some butch's Right Guard and Aqua Velva).

Even now, I'm slightly worried that someone will be offended by something I wrote, and lecture me about how I come off seeming too this or not enough that...but please don't.

[Asari]

At times I'm afraid that I'll never have a relationship at all. Im not that old but I have never even held hands with someone.... except friends and family.

[JDeere]

Insecurity
Fear of being abused
Fear of being cheated on

[ForestGirl88]

Fear that no-one could really want a freak like me (I've been gay forever, tried to be stright, and everyone could smell it on me and didnt like me - heavily baptist/bigotted area and social circle/family).

Still working on this one, it is the root of all the others.

Also, that I am really just sick in the head and that is why I'm not streight. That comes from far too much hateful shit growing up.

[Nattih]

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

[nycfem]

My husbutch and I are both introverts and spend just as much time together as apart. Some people don't get it, but it's what works for us. Don't give up hope in finding someone who likes that way of life too <3

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

I have found myself with the same fear. I am a mix of intro and extrovert where I find it hard to find a good medium.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

I'm an extrovert and I need one entire day to myself a week, just quietly in my room or apartment pampering myself. I don't want to hang out. Or talk. I need to sleep on my own. Eat by myself. For 24 full hours. And at least another two half days of 12 hours in there a week. I need my cave. I carry my connection to my partner in me, very deeply so I don't need constant attachment.

I will burn myself out looking after others, smother myself, starve myself of space, to make someone else happy. And I get sick. When I need time and rest I get accused of similar, and I date mostly introverts. I don't think it's extrovert/introvert ... I think it's people understanding that boundaries are not there to keep people away. They are there to create me space, you space and us space. I don't have to be merged with someone all the time. In fact, that makes me depressed. I lose myself. But the people who need that are usually codependent and have very scary places in themselves they hate and don't want to deal with alone. So they mask it by being merged with others. My introvert partners did it by using only me, because they found everyone else over stimulating, but having me stuck to their hip because I was non-invasive body company so they didn't feel lonely (I didn't speak or want anything from them) sort of like a human plush toy... Was very suffocating.

And of course I was nurse, cook, house cleaner, administrator/clerk/secretary for all bills and paperwork, grocery shopper, and because they hated talking on phones and dealing with people, I did all the phone calls, dealt with the banks and service people. On top of my full time job.

When I'd reach burn out and need rest, I was faking it, being melodramatic, having a drama, withdrawing and being distant and selfish...

So, I hear you.

[Nattih]

I'm really happy this thread exists. It has made me think a lot.

The biggest issue that I suffer through is pedestal syndrome (I totally made that name up, it probably has a real one). All my life I have been "the good one". I was the one who got excellent grades, I was the one all the adults dotted on as having excellent manners, the one who helped around the house and caused no trouble. I took that identity into adulthood and into my relationships, which has shown itself to be really unhealthy for my self identity. Most of my past partners have discovered that this was my "button" and noted how perfect they thought I was and how I would never do "XYZ" like anyone else due to my "perfection" or how they would not be able to handle it if I "did something wrong because I never act like others".

I now realize that this is a manipulation tactic, first installed by my mother, then discovered by significant others and even friends. Though I am consciously aware of it now, I still struggle with the idea that I must be perfect in order to be deserving of love and affection. I am on the dating market, so I automatically assume I get passed over due to imperfections that I must correct before I am able to be good enough for anyone to not pass over.

This post was too long and rambly, so I apologize if it makes little sense, lol.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Nattih

I'm really happy this thread exists. It has made me think a lot.

The biggest issue that I suffer through is pedestal syndrome (I totally made that name up, it probably has a real one). All my life I have been "the good one". I was the one who got excellent grades, I was the one all the adults dotted on as having excellent manners, the one who helped around the house and caused no trouble. I took that identity into adulthood and into my relationships, which has shown itself to be really unhealthy for my self identity. Most of my past partners have discovered that this was my "button" and noted how perfect they thought I was and how I would never do "XYZ" like anyone else due to my "perfection" or how they would not be able to handle it if I "did something wrong because I never act like others".

I now realize that this is a manipulation tactic, first installed by my mother, then discovered by significant others and even friends. Though I am consciously aware of it now, I still struggle with the idea that I must be perfect in order to be deserving of love and affection. I am on the dating market, so I automatically assume I get passed over due to imperfections that I must correct before I am able to be good enough for anyone to not pass over.

This post was too long and rambly, so I apologize if it makes little sense, lol.

IT makes sense. I have different ones, for different reasons but the result was the same. I Was very codependent for a long time and thought for anyone to *stay* in the relationship I thought I had to make myself invaluable to their personal functioning. So I got people who needed me, usually addicts.

I no longer want anyone who needs me. The idea actually repulses me. I want people who can function just fine in their own life and don't need me at all. But they love my company. I prefer the idea of spoiling each other from time to time than being a linked team in order to make it through our days. I want sex, friendship and companionship, not co-functioning a household or looking after people. I can very easily look after myself if I have the flu. I've looked after myself with a pretty severe concussion. I don't *need* someone because the rest of my life has good support in it, I know how say no and mean it (and do it), I understand the point of healthy boundaries, I know my limits and respect them. Being guilted or pressured makes me angry now, not cave in.

I do love spoiling people. Not care taking. I want to adore my partner, be adored. Not needed. I find most people find my assertions to be romantically offensive.

[SaltyButch]

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

Ahh how I can relate to this, I am an introvert, most may have differing opinions and that's okay I know who I am. I have the same need for alone time as I do for together time and I'm a better person and partner when you understand my need for this.

In reading your later post as to the "buttons" I'm pretty sure we all have them and the fact that you have grown to realize what yours are only makes it easier for you to disengage from those who take delight in continually pushing them. I have emotional scars which may not be as readily seen as the physical but they are there and to me in some ways harder to reveal.

All I know is that when I find the right person she will accept me for me...all of me and should she have any physical or emotional scars I will love them because they make her the special gift she is.

[JustLovelyJenn]

Sometimes I feel like I forget what I am afraid of until I am staring it in the face, until I start to self-sabotage, expecting the worst. And then I have to figure out how to explain what is scaring me to someone who isn't doing what I am afraid they might. A lot of damage has left a lot of fears... I am not sure how to figure them all out any more. So, I guess I have to just deal with them as they come up. And I know that speaking them out loud is a good start.

Lately, I am afraid I am too needy (even though I'm pretty sure I am not)

I am afraid I that I am too intense, and my life is too much for people to deal with... so they will burn out and just walk away.

I am afraid that no matter how good I think it is... it won't last... because I am not meant to find someone.

There's a lot more... but right now, this is where I am at.