Attraction = physical, mental, emotional...

[Nomad]

i'm learning more and more about myself this year than i have in possibly the last decade. being on the road alone with a huge and largely uninterrupted amount of time to process has made me realize that i crave someone who can handle me. someone strong, patient, dominant, loving and demanding; someone insightful enough to know me, "see" me, understand me and keep me safe.

i'm not a cake walk. not even close. i'm hard to get close to and i have some wicked effective defenses built up around me (a fact which is cleverly disguised by my brilliant sense of humor and my obvious charm). in short, i have baggage. and all the evidence points to the fact that it's permanent baggage at that. but i wouldnt refuse guidance to an interested party if they were hardy enough to stand their ground while we got to know one another. maybe i need to post a sign that says "The feint of heart need not apply"? translation: i'm too old to suffer wimps. handle me or move on.

everyone has baggage. some of us have managed to limit that baggage to the carry on variety and some of us have full monogrammed sets. we just need to go through it once in a while in order to understand what it represents. something that occurs to me as i type is that we also need to change our approach to that baggage. im beginning to think we need to treat it with respect rather than the more typical contempt or wariness response. no one volunteers for emotional turbulance (without a reason anyway - which is baggage in and of itself). maybe we need to start cutting ourselves and other people some slack or looking at the emotional baggage issue with a little more humility. after all, sometimes when you can examine the hard things with someone who truly cares for you it becomes possible to let some of it go.

behind my defenses is a girl who sincerely wants to be open and vulnerable and exposed to the gaze of someone who loves and respects what they find there and who will help safeguard it, but there's some climbing to be done to get that close. after years of taking flak and even beating myself up for erecting such intricate defenses i've come to realize that i'm more normal than i understood. more importantly, the people who dont want to make the climb or cant afford the effort wouldnt be a good fit for me anyway, nor i for them.

my baggage has its foundation in childhood. like most people with those kinds of emotional mementos i've created an adult version that dictates a certain pattern to the way i move through the world. today's version of me (which is different than yesterday and will be different tomorrow) knows that i can sometimes choose how much or how little influence that baggage has on what i do, say and think but i'm never going to be without it. the people that i have been sincerely attracted to throughout my life were those who took the time to understand how i became who i am. i did the same with regard to them. that kind of intimate knowlege is what makes it possible for us to "handle" one another. i would run -not walk- from someone who said they wouldnt consider a relationship with someone who has baggage. not only do i think that sort of talk/mindset is incredibly othering, it would also make me think that their self image had taken on a holy tone. personally, i'm not into perfection, giving or receiving.

[Nomad]

:bump:


heard today: i always date people who are uglier than i am so that i can feel good about myself. and people think i'm less shallow if i date an ugly person because i can obviously get someone cute but i'm with an ugly person so i must have looked deeper than the physical right? and ugly people are always so grateful that you give them a shot. (insert laughter) it's a win win situation. they get to be with me and i get to look good to myself and to everyone else!





as someone who fits into the non-pretty category, i found this stunning at best. but it brings up some relevant discussion points.

we're attracted to what we're attracted to. no sense pretending we're not. but if beauty is in the eye of the beholder AND what's inside counts more than what's outside - or at least that's what they tell the ugly kids while we're growing up - then why does being physically attractive appear to be more important than anything else? media fed cultural standards? are we just a truly superficial population? is there some kind of instinctual screening process that we have no control over?

what is it that makes people hope they'll meet and fall in love with someone good looking?

would you turn away an average looking or unattractive potential partner with whom you had a good connection if you also had a good connection with someone better looking?

do you settle for or accept less from a good looking person than you do from someone who was plain or considered ugly by your familiar cultural standards? (rumor has it that we ALL do this)

if the people who knew you best in the world (so they love you and have your very best interests at heart) set you up on a blind date with someone you had a lot in common with and who sounded perfect in every way and then you found out, before the date, that they were physically unattractive (by your standards) would you cancel the date? why or why not?

now no one is going to be schmuck enough to rush right up to say 'yes! me! i'm THAT shallow!' we all know this. but we also know that physical attraction is an extremely powerful motivator. ther's no need to deteriorate into 'she had great tits' or 'if hy has a nice ass' or 'i love his washboard abs' because it's dull and we're much cleverer than that. but i'd like to hear people's thoughts, whether they choose to answer any of the questions or not, on what it is that makes physical attraction so motivating.

[Tony]

Yea, I may be that shallow. However, I like this sort of forum because it pulls me up by my bootstraps. Forces me to "get to know" someone as it were thru their written word. And I like that. It's making me a better person. Are looks still important to me? Well, yes they are. Just as I assume they are to most people reading these posts. Difference is, unlike a bar situation, my curiosity is peaked, my intelligence tweaked and my humor ignited. I have already gotten some kind of attachment.
Hopefully I've made some sense.
My .02 that is.

[Scuba]

Great thread. I'll just say that what some may find undesirable I may find completely captivating. So the question of the hour for me is what defines ugly or not pretty or not handsome? How many times have you been sitting there with your best friend, people watching, and you go "OOOOOOO NICE" and you get that "You're kidding right?"

Lots of factors influence attraction for me, including the physical look. But I'd like to think that there is no ugly only different definitions of "attractive".

The media really does on a number on us when it comes defining beauty and it's just downright disturbing to see what it can do to one's psyche.

Just my two cents...

Scoobs

[*Anya*]

I have been attracted physically and sexually but that lasts about an hour and then what? If I can't talk to you, I will never fall in love with you.

Brains, brains, brains and more brains.

Intellect and ability to stimulate my mind comes first and my body will follow...

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I have been attracted physically and sexually but that lasts about an hour and then what? If I can't talk to you, I will never fall in love with you.

Brains, brains, brains and more brains.

Intellect and ability to stimulate my mind comes first and my body will follow...

see, i couldnt agree more with you about the ability to stimulate my intellect being the first thing i need for actual, rooted attraction. i've never, and i do mean NEVER, had a long lasting crush on someone who was merely attractive. in fact, i havent had a short term crush on someone who was merely attractive since puberty. it just doesnt phase me that much when someone is externally beautiful. so i wonder, am i less motivated by the beautiful people because i am not one of them?

by no means do i think that people who are physically attractive are also shallow and will only choose to be with people who are also physically attractive. (and again, that's a relative thing anyway.) BUT, is it possible that when you come up in life knowing that you're not what your culture dictates is attractive, do you automatically have a tendency to see past that sort of thing. of course, the supposedly "unattractive" person can be just as shallow as anyone else but it begs the question, do i look past "beauty" automatically because it was ingrained in me not to give any consideration to the fact that i was not beautiful myself?

[Electrocell]

One of the most beautiful women I have ever been with had had 3rd degree burn marks over 75% of her body and no she is not on this site. Her personality, good heart, and her intelligence , the way she treated me , my animals and my family is what made her beautiful. Yes the only ex I really care to be in contact with.

[Rockinonahigh]

Once I was told by someone they couldnt see a short butch being sexy,she was 6 ft in bare feet next to my 5' 4" in shoes.All I can say if thats how some folks feel,to bad they missed the boat.

[Scuba]

Originally Posted by Rockinonahigh

Once I was told by someone they couldnt see a short butch being sexy,she was 6 ft in bare feet next to my 5' 4" in shoes.All I can say if thats how some folks feel,to bad they missed the boat.

Word

[Rockinonahigh]

Originally Posted by Scuba

Word

Beleave me she wished she hadnt said that,I was a wolf on the prowl that night and had all kinds of sweet ladies on my arm as well as the dance floor...if ya got it rock it..no pun intended.

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by Rockinonahigh

Once I was told by someone they couldnt see a short butch being sexy,she was 6 ft in bare feet next to my 5' 4" in shoes.All I can say if thats how some folks feel,to bad they missed the boat.

that is so assinine. the person who rocks my world as the best lover of all time is several inches shorter than i am. i'm also hella tits and ass and tend to outweigh the people i date if they happen to be shorter than i am. i constantly smiled at the people i could see comparing us physically because they always ended up looking at my lover with a "damn you must be some hot shit to be able to handle her" look on their faces. it made me oddly proud. (and they were right....hot shit indeed)

[MissItalianDiva]

Hmm great topic. For me I would love to say that physical attraction is not important but I would be lying. Of course the first initial attraction is typically physical for me but with time what will hold my attraction is intellectual stimulation and emotional maturity.

I found the hard way that while looks are a great quality if a person does not possess the emotional or mental/intellectually qualities I value and need then they don't look so physically attractive any longer. Same goes on the flip side. I have met folks who I was not initially physically attracted to but as time progressed and I got to know them and we connected on an intellectual level they became very physically attractive to me.

I can't say one outweighs another for me but I can say it needs to be balanced in order for my attraction to remain. I am one of those people that once I see something that is unattractive I am immediately not interested. Perhaps it is not fair but it is the way I am.

[not2shygrrl]

What is attractive to me is their energy. The zap I get when someone enters a room, be it in person or even in chat. This works both ways, positive as well as negative. I am however human and physical attraction does have a part, but definitely lower on the scale. Things such as how she speaks, choices of words, tone, what she does not say is equally important. Without having a direct window into her inner self, there are attractions I feel from her just being her. Be that she is in a tool belt...or tu-tu. Although if I were to say observations of her are a huge factor, those observations have nary a thing to do with what she looks like. It has everything to do with her emotions and how she manages them. Her energy.........will make me *swoon* so c'mon.......zap me Baby!!

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by Scuba

Great thread. I'll just say that what some may find undesirable I may find completely captivating. So the question of the hour for me is what defines ugly or not pretty or not handsome? How many times have you been sitting there with your best friend, people watching, and you go "OOOOOOO NICE" and you get that "You're kidding right?"

Lots of factors influence attraction for me, including the physical look. But I'd like to think that there is no ugly only different definitions of "attractive".

The media really does on a number on us when it comes defining beauty and it's just downright disturbing to see what it can do to one's psyche.

Just my two cents...

Scoobs

great two cents!

agreed! the media brainwashes us into thinking this person is sexy or that person is not and so we consume and avoid those things we think will put us half an inch closer to what is favored at the moment. kings and queens used to do similar things by wearing certain fashions or adopting certain habits. we're such imitators that when some queen or other happened to admire pregnancy women's fashions changed in order that their skirts could be gathered up and looped over a belt to create the illusion of weight near the belly. (cant remember who - will run off and look when i'm done posting)


i like your idea that we shouldnt indugle "ugly" so much and, instead, think of it as "different definitions of attractive". normally, as a homely chick, i'd roll my eyes a little at the idea of adding another compassionate saying to the list of things we tell homely kids when they hit puberty ("you're beautiful to me", "you're just going through a phase", "you have a great personality") BUT i actually agree with you on this one because YES it has happened that i'll say, "look at that cute sweater" and my friends will say "huh? what? where? oh no you dont!" (jerks) so i dont think you're missing the mark at all!

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by Tony

Yea, I may be that shallow. However, I like this sort of forum because it pulls me up by my bootstraps. Forces me to "get to know" someone as it were thru their written word. And I like that. It's making me a better person. Are looks still important to me? Well, yes they are. Just as I assume they are to most people reading these posts. Difference is, unlike a bar situation, my curiosity is peaked, my intelligence tweaked and my humor ignited. I have already gotten some kind of attachment.
Hopefully I've made some sense.
My .02 that is.

thank you for being so candid Tony. i like the idea of the thinking we do here cracking my head open for a little enlightenment too. i really hate the idea that i might wallow in my own little ideas and perspective forever. that's why i keep coming back.

i assume that physical appearance is important to most people too. just because it's a normal behavior to be drawn to what appeals to your visual filter. but, like you said, there's something about a pique to the curiosity. conversations that happen here strike me as little hooks for the brain cells that says 'find out more!' i really end up being glad i come back every day. and suddenly, while i'm often curious about what someone looks like i also find that i dont care what they look like, if that makes any sense. i just want a face with a name if that's possible.

i have a "type" of person i'm attracted to and that's just how my brain is wired. having said that, physical appearance matters to me more from a hygiene stance and a personal pride stance than anything else. where the option exists, do you bathe regularly and clean your clothes? do you take care of yourself in the best ways you can? do you consider your health important? (you dont have to be perfect, you just have to be willing to take care of yourself to the best of your ability and given your resources) that's what matters to me.