Attraction = physical, mental, emotional...

[Nomad]

bumping the question:

are we more likely to look past the physical if we believe that we, ourselves, are not physically attractive?

follow up thought:

i'm what my grandfather called "a fine, big girl". he meant it as a compliment and i took it as one. as a teen, any time someone said "there's a skinny girl inside of you, just waiting to come out" my response was always something like, "i know. i just ate her." i never cared that i was luscious until someone else suggested that i was a less than entity because of it.

the media interpretation of "beauty" aside, what defines your opinion of your own physical attractiveness?

did you compare yourself to others while you were growing up and, if so, whom? and why?

why are we more fascinated by and disparaging of the weight of some brilliant actress, like Gabourey Sidibe, than we are with say Jorge Garcia who gets more recognition on the street? (no offense Jorge but i didnt see a single episode of Lost)

[Gráinne]

Originally Posted by Nomad

bumping the question:

are we more likely to look past the physical if we believe that we, ourselves, are not physically attractive?

follow up thought:

i'm what my grandfather called "a fine, big girl". he meant it as a compliment and i took it as one. as a teen, any time someone said "there's a skinny girl inside of you, just waiting to come out" my response was always something like, "i know. i just ate her." i never cared that i was luscious until someone else suggested that i was a less than entity because of it.

the media interpretation of "beauty" aside, what defines your opinion of your own physical attractiveness?

did you compare yourself to others while you were growing up and, if so, whom? and why?

why are we more fascinated by and disparaging of the weight of some brilliant actress, like Gabourey Sidibe, than we are with say Jorge Garcia who gets more recognition on the street? (no offense Jorge but i didnt see a single episode of Lost)

I'll bite, but probably poorly

I never thought I was beautiful growing up. When it came time to date (infrequently), it's not so much that I looked past physical beauty as I ruled out anyone attractive as being way out of my league.

Now, today, I know the problem wasn't my looks, it was that I had so little self-esteem that not only did I rule out very attractive people, but I attracted people who were ugly on the inside. Either they didn't k now how to love themselves and had just as poor self-esteem as I did, or they were cruel and shut down inside. Either way, they couldn't love me. I didn't love me, so I attracted what I thought I deserved. I believe now that who we hang with reflect who we think we are.

Today I'm much heavier than I was then, but I actually find myself far more attractive now than back then. While I do enjoy movement for the purely vain reason of my appearance when I've done it for awhile, and I do naturally take care of my clothes and hair (nails, we're getting there), what seems to define my own physical attractiveness to myself is if I'm happy with my life and engaging in growing and changing, not just existing. I know that sounds really Pollyannish, and maybe I'm not expressing myself well. I can have the same hair, the same body and wear the same clothes, but on days when I'm mentally "on", I feel like Sex Queen of the Universe. That's not to say that taking care of the outside doesn't feel splendid; it's that from the inside, it's...sexier? Lord, I sound vain .

When I was a preteen, getting ready for puberty, I remember sneaking into my friend's garage with her and looking through her dad's Playboys. That's what I wanted to look like! Flat, taught stomachs and a good perky set above. I think this was way before airbrushing, and so those women may have actually been very realistic. My dad had a book of classic WWII pinups, and I loved to practice posing like Betty Grable in her bathing suit, or Rita Hayworth on her bed. I loved sensuality. Why? Again, I had little confidence in myself and hoped to heck I would grow taller so I could at least reach this standard I'd set in my head.

I have found in celebrity magazines that are aimed at women, that we're far more critical of other women than of men. We have "who wore it better?" and "best and worst beach bodies", all mainly women. We as a culture seem to judge women by what they wear and how they look, and men by their accomplishments. You hear of some actor's latest project and their work, but it's always about Jessica Simpson's weight.

I know that self-love and acceptance is lifelong for me, but I've come a long way from that. Part of it was when I was a life model in college, and far from thin, yet I felt like a Botticelli model . And that was just me, not pushing up anything or cramming anything into submission . I can say that there are times (and they are growing), when I can look in the mirror and say "You're actually kind of pretty". I want to be all about the positive now, while flattering the faults.

[Elijah]

I will admit, without shame, that what catches My eye is someones overall appearance and demeanor, initially.

However, this attraction will dissipate very quickly if she doesn't poses other, more important traits that I look for. Intelligence, kindness, grace, humor, loyalty, open mindedness, drive, and humanity are keys to keeping Me engaged.

Understand that I don't just expect those things from her, I also expect them from Myself...I must be willing to offer those (what I see as attractive traits) to expect them in return.

So, no shame...just truth.

Thanks for the thought provoking thread...

[Darbonaire]

I notice attractiveness first....can't deny it...eyes, hair, tits, femininity....BUT, if there is disturst, or i feel any sort of uncomfortable feeling at all...then I step back & address that inside myself.......I believe there are people out there who "look" the part & fall VERY sort of damn near even being classified as human.....lol....but, I really want to get to know someone from now on. I want honesty....don't be who you think I want you to be...be who you really are & we'll take it from there......there's always room for friendships....always !

[Nomad]

as a woman who has never been attractive, i always wonder what people see when they look at me. and then i back up on that thought because there are times when i really dont want to know. there are also times when what people see (or think) when they see me is clearly visible in their expressions.

my father used to tell me (when i would cry about being unattractive) that there was nothing anyone could do to make me feel better about the way i looked except me. to this day i agree with him, but i still havent managed to feel any better about the way i look. what i've managed to do is tell myself "at least i know that when i'm appreciated by someone it's for something more significant than physical attractiveness." my father also used to say something like 'the way you make other people feel is what they'll see when they look at you.' it's a sobering memory today, 35 years later, when i look back on a life not necessarily well lived. there arent that many people who will 'see' something bad when they think about how i make them feel but there are some and that's kind of disturbing because i hate the idea of making people feel badly. or maybe it's my ego that hates the idea. regardless, i take comfort in my only saving grace ---> knowing that i didnt put effort into making someone feel badly on purpose.

when i think of how my physical attractiveness (or lack thereof) has changed over the years i realize that with age i have come to appreciate more about myself physically, while at the same time bemoaning the fact that what i have the maturity to appreciate now is being ravaged by gravity. (translation: i dislike seeing my mother looking back at me when i look in the mirror) but mostly because i dont want to look like anyone else. i want to look like me. (ok. i wouldnt mind looking like Adele for a week ----- just sayin') i'm more able to appreciate a lot of things about myself now, certainly more than i could appreciate 10, 20, 30 years ago when my age automatically gave me a leg up on the cultural attractiveness scale. now that i'm close to 50 i keep crossing my fingers that old and quirky looking fat girls will be "in" soon. i'd like to see women like me be the definition of beauty according to cultural standards, just once. or maybe, just maybe, it's time for a new culture.

[Ciaran]

I am attracted, at least initially, by looks.

However, it's difficult for me to articulate that in any meaningful way as, for me, I don't have a defined "type". I tend to be physically attracted to only a small proportion of women. However, other than that they look on the feminine side of the scale, they could be large, small, dark haired, blonde, curvy or less curvy. Therefore, my initial attraction seems rather sporadic and random. Quite why I'm initially attracted to one person rather than another I'm not sure.

As regards making it meaningful. I don't need intelligence - at least not in any sort of academic way. In fact, it can be a turn-off to me. Such people often try my patience. However, I do need intelligence in a broader, common sense manner and, more so, the person needs to be reasonably aware of the world around them (whether we agree on what should be done about the burning issues of the day or not; inevitably, we don't).

Personality-wise, at least for me, opposites attract. I'm rather dour, conservative, staunch, judgemental and incredibly guttural. I find that I am attracted to much lighter, more fun-loving personalities. Also, my ideal partner has that blend of strength and vulnerability. Interestingly, whilst I'd usually see them as positive traits, those I'm attracted to are not necessarily nice or kind.

Attraction is a combination of the above for me and sometimes, though not too often, it comes together in a package. I don't have many absolutes

[Gráinne]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I am attracted, at least initially, by looks.

However, it's difficult for me to articulate that in any meaningful way as, for me, I don't have a defined "type". I tend to be physically attracted to only a small proportion of women. However, other than that they look on the feminine side of the scale, they could be large, small, dark haired, blonde, curvy or less curvy. Therefore, my initial attraction seems rather sporadic and random. Quite why I'm initially attracted to one person rather than another I'm not sure.

As regards making it meaningful. I don't need intelligence - at least not in any sort of academic way. In fact, it can be a turn-off to me. Such people often try my patience. However, I do need intelligence in a broader, common sense manner and, more so, the person needs to be reasonably aware of the world around them (whether we agree on what should be done about the burning issues of the day or not; inevitably, we don't).

Personality-wise, at least for me, opposites attract. I'm rather dour, conservative, staunch, judgemental and incredibly guttural. I find that I am attracted to much lighter, more fun-loving personalities. Also, my ideal partner has that blend of strength and vulnerability. Interestingly, whilst I'd usually see them as positive traits, those I'm attracted to are not necessarily nice or kind.

Attraction is a combination of the above for me and sometimes, though not too often, it comes together in a package. I don't have many absolutes

Now I realize I forgot to answer the original question , which was "what attracts you, and why?"

Short answer: I have no idea. It's so very random.

Long answer (and you knew it was coming):

Looks: When I first came out, I had no idea of the butch-femme community, but interestingly, my first partner was a more masculine-looking woman (although she did not call herself butch). I find many of my feminine-looking friends wildly beautiful, but it doesn't translate into a sexual attraction for them (they're mostly straight :P).

I guess as the process of coming out proceeded, and I found a "niche" in b-f, then gradually an attraction to ever more masculine looks and energy emerged. But within that caveat, there's no preference as to size or hair. I like taller than me, but the world is taller than I am. Other than that, I've no rhyme or reason.

Intelligence (since this seems a big one): I too have found that many very book-smart people are insufferable know-it-alls, and I hope never to be one. There's nothing wrong with book smarts in itself, but arrogance turns me right off like a faucet. I have also known superbly book-smart people who are cultural and world-events dummies.

I like a broad spectrum of topics to talk about, without feeling like someone is "talking down" at me. I'm no expert in politics in America, let alone any other country, but someone willing to discuss things and help me "fill in the blanks" is very attractive.

I don't want a carbon-copy of myself with regards to interests, but I want interests beyond trash TV and celebrities in tabloids. Ask me obscure questions or questions that make me think, and I'm right there . Whether or not I've met you in person, I need to sense strong general intelligence and down-to-earthness for attraction to happen. This is not the same as an intellectual snob.

Personality: I like a wry sense of humor. I need someone who can make me laugh, and who can take good-natured banter. I'm actually drawn to more serious people than myself. I think that counterpart grounds me and is calming. I'm attracted to someone who's allergic to drama and who is a steadying influence to my emotionality. That said, I need someone who is actually aware of their emotions, not shut down. I need some sense of vulnerability, of softness. Gentleness.

Every time I try to define my type, though, it just doesn't work. Who knows?