FTM place to vent and talk

DMW · 10-28-2012, 08:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrutalDyke

I'm glad you've got friends who are supportive. Wish I could say same for her and I. Unfortunately we've gotten shitted on quite a bit over the years but it's their issue, not ours.

I still remember our first date. Took her to a local gay club/bar and soon as we walked in the door, you could've heard a pin drop. Also if looks could wither, we'd crumpled to the floor. Lol.

Funny thing is, I've met some butches who were just fine with us until they found out that I was FTM. Then came the stares, the sneers, the eyerolling. Don't even think it's a competition thing at all with them because I'm very content with who I am and also very content with who they are and how they identify. It's literally an issue of being "traitors" because I want to be a man (even though it's not a "want" but something that just is) which is the easier, softer way for them. No matter the fact that it's the harder path for me to take since now I have to deal judgement from society AND the rainbow.

Brute, damn it is nice to read your post and let you speak for me. My head
is still pounding...whiney dude today. I think it is so important to put myself in another persons' shoes...emotionally...to really try and understand what could be going on inside their heads. And listen...if they will talk about it. I can understand the "traitor" feeling ...why the people in the rainbow would feel this way. I am actually struggling right now cause i find myself going back and forth now that i have come into this site...and not just because of the site...i have always struggled with this..."damn the straight society and i shall not be silent" and then the idea of
ugh...just let me live ok. That is really my issue. I have struggled with what i feel is a need to be OUT as a transman in order to LIVE as a transman.

As far as your invisible femme...i was in more than one relationship where
the poor femmes always kinda get the shaft. The best thing i could do for her was to tell her..."look, i respect and like so and so. So, i don't mind that
you come out to her if you need someone to talk to about US with a friend.
I think that is so important. And it really puts them at ease. I only asked of her...to let me OK who i would allow to know about me and US.

And i really need to learn how to clean up the format of my posts...

BrutalDaddy · 10-28-2012, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DMW

Brute, damn it is nice to read your post and let you speak for me. My head
is still pounding...whiney dude today. I think it is so important to put myself in another persons' shoes...emotionally...to really try and understand what could be going on inside their heads. And listen...if they will talk about it. I can understand the "traitor" feeling ...why the people in the rainbow would feel this way. I am actually struggling right now cause i find myself going back and forth now that i have come into this site...and not just because of the site...i have always struggled with this..."damn the straight society and i shall not be silent" and then the idea of
ugh...just let me live ok. That is really my issue. I have struggled with what i feel is a need to be OUT as a transman in order to LIVE as a transman.

As far as your invisible femme...i was in more than one relationship where
the poor femmes always kinda get the shaft. The best thing i could do for her was to tell her...look...i respect and like so and so..So, i don't mind that
you come out to her if you need someone to talk to about US with a friend.
I think that is so important. I only asked of her...to let me OK who i would allow to know about me and US.

Wow. Love it when someone takes the jumbled up thoughts in my head and lay them out clearly so I can do the same in my own mind. I struggle with that too, DMW. The desire to be seen as queer, kinda like my own "fuck you" to society, and the desire to be seen fully as a male. Sometimes I wonder can I have my cake and eat it too? I have struggled with the traitor thing because my journey, my past is not something I ever want to let go of or forget because it is just an intricate part of me. Being a part of this community/rainbow is something I hold dear to my heart because I have much, much stronger connection with it then I do with the straight world.

I'm lucky in the sense that Julie gets me and the situation. I do feel bad that because I am FTM, there will always be shit thrown from both sides of the aisle and she'll be stuck in the middle of it. But that is her choice so feeling bad about it is on me, not her. She knows the ramifications of what being with a FTM will be and yet because of her strong sense of self and her desire for me to be completely okay with myself, she'll take the shit throwing. I can only imagine how much more invisible being with a FTM makes her, especially when I am able to fully transition. Thing is being with me isn't what makes her femme. It's just who she is. Unfortunately some folks will never see it that way.