Everything you wanted to know about dating...

[*Anya*]

Funny post Ciaran, made me laugh out loud. Thanks

I started this thread for us to share about our dating experiences, to exchange tips and ideas, as well as for support.

This morning, I am also thinking about the not-so-fun side of dating.

There are many reasons why I honestly do not like dating. I look at it as a necessary "evil" ( just coining a phrase here folks-of course it is not evil at all).

Since "the one" is not going to just walk up and knock on our door uninvited, there is time and energy that goes into dating.

My hours at my job are now long. I rarely get a lunchtime (eat @ my desk) and breaks are a thing of my past.

When I get home @ 6 or 7, honestly, I am pretty done in. Chats on the phone in the evening, during the week are difficult for me.

What is really the hardest for me, is letting someone that is, on the face of it, a potentially wonderful partner know that the chemistry is not happening for me.

I find myself in this position with one of the women that I have been dating. We have had 3-4 dates because I wanted to be sure.

I absolutely hate to tell her somehow, someway. I did not want to tell her in a text, email or on the phone. That does not feel right to me. As hard as it is, I need to tell her in person and I am dreading it.

I know it is the right thing to do. Looking into someone's face and telling them, as nicely as I know how, "I am sorry but I don't feel it for you" or " "I don't feel that we/I have sexual chemistry together"?

I frankly could never, ever picture myself having sex with her.

How do I tell her? What do I say? What is the best way to stop dating someone and to preserve their self-esteem at the same time?

I have no idea. I think you can tell how often I have been in this position. I truly can't remember when.

Ideas? Suggestions?

Help!

[Chancie]

I went on a few first dates with people I met online, mostly through a now defunct dating site.

For me, if I knew after one cup of coffee that I wouldn't want to see my date again,

I told them directly, and

Because I had met them online, and

Because we had only gone out once,

I would send an email.

I would say, You are an awesome person, but

I didn't feel any chemistry between us. <-- Yes, I really did this.

Several dates might require a telephone call, but

Even if one is shy, I think an email is better than nothing.

I enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't think we have much in common, or

I liked meeting you. Maybe our paths will cross again some time.

<-- Is that too vague?

[Chancie]

Oh, oops, I missed that you want to tell your date in person.

Does a telephone call feel too casual?

I hope it's okay if I say,

Don't wait too long.

:yourdatemightentertainotherideas:

[The_Lady_Snow]

I once had a date with a sweet sweet woman who brought her Star Wars figurine collection with her to talk about during DINNER.

I have to say I was pretty impressed at the condition of her figurines and BORED.

So I payed for dinner, shook her hand and told her it was great but I wasn't interested.

I like to cut things quickly if nothing is going on, some dating lasted longer but if it was just dating then I made it clear it was simply that dating. I didn't have an expectation that a relationship was going to happen nor did I want them to have that same expectation.



That's why dating *for me* is enjoyable, I can date multiple people, or not and take my time getting to know them.

[*Anya*]

I think that maybe I went out with her a few too many times.

I have had coffee with several that it was easy to just say thanks but no thanks.

I also really wish that I felt "that way" about her.

She is stable, solid, mature, retired, financially well-off, funny and a very sweet butch.

Oh and she really likes me.

I guess I think that I should feel that way about her.

Damn.

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I think that maybe I went out with her a few too many times.

I have had coffee with several that it was easy to just say thanks but no thanks.

I also really wish that I felt "that way" about her.

She is stable, solid, mature, retired, financially well-off, funny and a very sweet butch.

Oh and she really likes me.

I guess I think that I should feel that way about her.

Damn.

Once upon a time... way back in the day... I was attracted to one girl and another girl was attracted to me so I didn't really give her the chance.. at first. The one girl that I was attracted to told me that I can choose who I love.. and after that.. I started dating the person who liked me... eventually fell in love with her and we were together for several years. I was not attracted to her at first but that came with a little time.

I am not saying that this will happen for you. If it's not there.. if there are no sparks.... let go... if her resume is that good.. she will find someone else who will be attracted to her as will you.

[Miss Scarlett]

There's nothing wrong with being friends first. I know of several couples who were friends for years before they began their respective relationships. And there's nothing wrong with a dating relationship becoming just friends. It depends on the people involved. You have to do what you're comfortable with...what works for you.

Then again, stepping outside your comfort zone and taking a chance could lead to something very special.

[Gráinne]

That's the maddening thing about dating-if you feel "no chemistry", how much time do you give it to develop? And why can't we always feel it for someone who's perfect on paper? And when chemistry is off the charts, how do you maintain balance to really make sure of compatibility outside the bedroom?

[Ginger]

I agree with Sleepy about all this, and I understand Anya's dilemma. She wants to do the right thing, to be honest, but she is also sensitive to another person's feelings. Sometimes there is no way to do both, be honest and be protective of another person. Sleepy gave some strategies for doing both—don't give certain information unless asked.

All good.

Anya, maybe it's not about the other person, the seemingly "perfect" butch you're just not into that much. Maybe it's about you, that you're not ready, to put it in a tired cliche. That you're still processing your last breakup.

Or maybe, there's something you want, something you haven't articulated to yourself and therefore can't apply to your puzzling non-attraction to the person you're describing.

And in my opinion, you don't have to articulate it. You'll know it when you see it. (Though it's a comment on your own integrity, that you want to analyze it.)

In the meantime, this person is apparently going along with your less-than-smitten response to her, for whatever reason. Maybe she doesn't see it (which says something about how well she sees You). Maybe she doesn't want to see it (which says something about her powers of denial). Maybe she isn't is taken with you as she wants you to think she is.

Lots of maybes, and maybe they don't matter.

If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Enough said.

When you do feel it, you'll know it. And it'll be great! You seem so level headed, so insightful, so honorable, so cute. The world is big.

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Funny post Ciaran, made me laugh out loud. Thanks

I started this thread for us to share about our dating experiences, to exchange tips and ideas, as well as for support.

This morning, I am also thinking about the not-so-fun side of dating.

There are many reasons why I honestly do not like dating. I look at it as a necessary "evil" ( just coining a phrase here folks-of course it is not evil at all).

Since "the one" is not going to just walk up and knock on our door uninvited, there is time and energy that goes into dating.

My hours at my job are now long. I rarely get a lunchtime (eat @ my desk) and breaks are a thing of my past.

When I get home @ 6 or 7, honestly, I am pretty done in. Chats on the phone in the evening, during the week are difficult for me.

What is really the hardest for me, is letting someone that is, on the face of it, a potentially wonderful partner know that the chemistry is not happening for me.

I find myself in this position with one of the women that I have been dating. We have had 3-4 dates because I wanted to be sure.

I absolutely hate to tell her somehow, someway. I did not want to tell her in a text, email or on the phone. That does not feel right to me. As hard as it is, I need to tell her in person and I am dreading it.

I know it is the right thing to do. Looking into someone's face and telling them, as nicely as I know how, "I am sorry but I don't feel it for you" or " "I don't feel that we/I have sexual chemistry together"?

I frankly could never, ever picture myself having sex with her.

How do I tell her? What do I say? What is the best way to stop dating someone and to preserve their self-esteem at the same time?

I have no idea. I think you can tell how often I have been in this position. I truly can't remember when.

Ideas? Suggestions?

Help!

The only thing I can say is that honesty really is the best way to go about anything even if it may hurt a bit. It's just finding the right way to do it. You could always just tell her that you really enjoy her company, assuming that you do, but that you think you are better off being ... (yes here comes that dreaded word that people who are dating hate to hear)... friends. You don't really have to say that you are not physically attracted to her unless she asks you why???

Or while you are out.. you could say.. hey.. I really cherish you as my friend.. ty for that.. or you are a really good friend to me.. something like that...lol.

Or I really enjoy your friendship, let's not ruin what we have by making this about sex.

Really, who am I to give anyone advice. Being an introvert myself, I am not very good at any of this.

I guess if I was dating someone and they were not physically attracted to me, I would want to know as soon as possible so that I would not bring any further romantic feelings into what we had. Just tell me... but don't say.. hey you are butt ugly (I know it's not always about looks) and you just don't do it for me. Say.. hey Sleepy... I really like you as my friend and I would like to continue growing just a friendship with you if you are okay with that.

Just a few thoughts anyway..