FTM place to vent and talk

[GraffitiBoi]

Originally Posted by Hominid

I'm surprised your regular doctor, after being on it for so long, doesn't feel comfortable prescribing it -

She'll prescribe it but doesn't know enough to monitor it from a transgender perspective. I had a condition that progressed rapidly due to T use and it wasn't caught. I ended up having surgery to fix the issue, and the damage to several of my internal organs. I'm fine now and will have no more problems when on T again, but my Dr thinks it would be better for me if I go to a clinic that knows more about transgender patients. She's still willing to write the script for me, but I guess I want to play it safe as well.

[DMW]

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

She'll prescribe it but doesn't know enough to monitor it from a transgender perspective. I had a condition that progressed rapidly due to T use and it wasn't caught. I ended up having surgery to fix the issue, and the damage to several of my internal organs. I'm fine now and will have no more problems when on T again, but my Dr thinks it would be better for me if I go to a clinic that knows more about transgender patients. She's still willing to write the script for me, but I guess I want to play it safe as well.

Definately, good to go local and do labs...Sorry that you have had trouble in the past. Sounds like an endocrinologist...etc...and more specialists may be necessary. You don't have to go into details here. I am glad that you are being careful.
Gotta have the labs...after you start...at least 3 months post. I think that you are going the right route and doing the right thing.

[alexri]

I know I'm living a double life. It's draining. I'm myself when I can be, and I'm biologically female when I have to be right now... at work, with family, with friends who don't know. But every now and then I have a public experience that makes me have hope, and makes me see what I'm missing.

While I was out training last weekend, I passed a young girl and her mother on a bike path. I heard the girl say, "he's definitely a boy, but he looks like a girl. He must hate that."

A month ago, in an all women's race, I heard a young boy who was spectating say, "hey there's a guy in the race."

Kids get it before their minds are polluted by society. They question because they want to understand, but they don't judge.

Then, I got "sir'd" at the grocery store last night. I had my hat on, and was looking down, when the cashier said it to me. The glow on my face on the ride home could have lit up NYC.

Now, what I need is courage. The courage to stop thinking of all the "what if's" and go legally change my name. I need the courage this of how to handle this at work, especially knowing I am fully supported by HR. I need the courage to love myself enough to be myself all the time.

[DMW]

Originally Posted by alexri

But every now and then I have a public experience that makes me have hope, and makes me see what I'm missing.

Kids get it before their minds are polluted by society. They question because they want to understand, but they don't judge.

Now, what I need is courage. The courage to stop thinking of all the "what if's" and go legally change my name. I need the courage this of how to handle this at work, especially knowing I am fully supported by HR. I need the courage to love myself enough to be myself all the time.

Alexri,

The hope will grow and those positive experiences will occur for you more often, than not.
Kids do get it before the adults. They just have not been conformed to the norm. They are not fully molded with the gender bias. And surprisingly, either are the majority of adults when given a chance and explanation. I promise...this, is my experience.

And the Courage...YOU ALREADY HAVE COURAGE AND ARE DOING IT!
CHEERS TO YOU! YOU ALREADY HAVE THAT COURAGE Alex.

I am proud of transmen like you. Thank you. And remember, you already
are yourself inside...you always have been.
I am glad that i happened to be around the puter and saw this.
I should subscribe to the thread.

I have done the HR thing as butch...applied to a job as a butch and
had to go to HR after and explain. I just put my driver's license on the desk
of the head of HR and started talking...After of course I told them i needed
a private personal meeting with them.
Feel free to pm. me.

Take care now,
DMW

[alexri]

Did you ever have that point where you're walking past a window or a mirror, and out of the corner of your eye, you see him? You see your reflection, and it's him?

Or when someone's dog comes up to you, and the dog owner says, "that's weird, my dog only acts that way around men"?

I know who I am. All the pieces of the puzzle fit now. It's the explanation for so much in life... the total lack of interest in all girl-centered toys growing up; faking an interest in boy bands in grammar school because that's what I was supposed to like; never, ever feeling comfortable in lesbian bars, feeling like an outsider; the body dysmorphia; the total lack of comfort during certain sexual activities; dressing in men's clothes for over 20 years... and on, and on, and on.

At this point, I am just afraid. Afraid of the rejection. Afraid of the reaction of family, friends and coworkers. Afraid of going through body-altering changes and finding that it made me no happier than I am now.

Somedays I think I can go along faking it. Other days I cringe. Yes I do talk to a therapist about this, and I do belong to a couple of in-person trans social groups who are totally accepting.

Just rambling tonight.

[PwrFemme]

Originally Posted by alexri

I know I'm living a double life. It's draining. I'm myself when I can be, and I'm biologically female when I have to be right now... at work, with family, with friends who don't know. But every now and then I have a public experience that makes me have hope, and makes me see what I'm missing.

While I was out training last weekend, I passed a young girl and her mother on a bike path. I heard the girl say, "he's definitely a boy, but he looks like a girl. He must hate that."

A month ago, in an all women's race, I heard a young boy who was spectating say, "hey there's a guy in the race."

Kids get it before their minds are polluted by society. They question because they want to understand, but they don't judge.

Then, I got "sir'd" at the grocery store last night. I had my hat on, and was looking down, when the cashier said it to me. The glow on my face on the ride home could have lit up NYC.

Now, what I need is courage. The courage to stop thinking of all the "what if's" and go legally change my name. I need the courage this of how to handle this at work, especially knowing I am fully supported by HR. I need the courage to love myself enough to be myself all the time.

Alexri,

This brought to mind people saying, "Oh I knew, I was just waiting for you to tell me." I imagine you will come across haters and you will also have your cheerleaders. You always have. If you look back over your life you will realize this and know that you have always come through and nothing stopped you. It sounds like you are an athlete so I am sure you have learned how to get back up when down and keep on going. You have the strength inside to do this. Those who love you and believe in you will continue to cheer you on and you will forget the names and faces of the haters.

[PwrFemme]

I have a question based on another thread. In the other thread they are discussing marriage titles, basically what a butch is called. HeelBilli and I have been legally married for 2 years. I have always referred to Heel as my spouse. Heel is going to trans and we have now been discussing this title issue. I don't really feel comfortable with the title, "husband". I can't explain why. What are your thoughts? Have any of you faced this situation? Thanks

[Linus]

PwrFemme: this thread was meant to be for FTMs to vent and not really meant for conversation or comment, if possible. For your questions, it may be better to go here: http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...hread.php?t=92

[PwrFemme]

Originally Posted by Linus

PwrFemme: this thread was meant to be for FTMs to vent and not really meant for conversation or comment, if possible. For your questions, it may be better to go here: http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...hread.php?t=92

K thanks...

[little man]

for those of you who don't know me, i'm about 10-11 years in on transition. i'm still pre-op, as a long line of shitty paying jobs does not allow much to save for surgery. add to that a lack of health insurance, and well....here i am. i've been living fully as male for almost that entire time. i'm a short guy, and was worried that would be an issue, but it has not been.

being a veteran, i get my labs and T through the VA outpatient clinic. i was a bit wary at first, but everyone has been absolutely wonderful, no issues at all. although, the radiology clinic (outside the VA) was a bit confused when i went for a mammogram. turns out the x-ray tech that did it has a friend who's trans. small world, ain't it?

about 6 yrs ago, i moved back to the midwest from the east coast, to care for my mom. after she died, i hung out for another year, then decided i could pay bills from anywhere. i am possessed of a gypsy soul, so it was about time to hit the road anyway. i moved to the austin,tx area, so i could focus on photography. since there is so much live music here, i was certain i could get myself situated as a photog here. well, there are a few colleges around here that seem to churn out 10 photography students every 5 minutes. and, they'll shoot for free. as it turned out, i fell into shooting burlesque. yeah, i know...tough row to hoe. i'm getting fairly established in that community, and bless their hearts, they are very queer friendly.

i shot a show last week that had several awesome performances. one of them included black light and the pouring of neon paint over the dancer's body. visually stunning. i talked to the woman who did that performance, and we agreed we need to shoot that outside a performance venue. one thing turned into another and we've decided to embark on a project on women's body image, social expectations of women's bodies and their performance as women, as well as rape culture, domestic violence, reproductive rights...a performance coupled with an art show of images. it's an ambitious project, to say the least. we're hoping that attendance will fund the show well enough that we can travel with it, across the US.

all that said, i've been wondering (and weighing) whether "coming out" as trans would be beneficial to the project (and getting the involvement of other performers around the country). i doubt it would be detrimental to the project, but i do wonder about the impact it would have on my life. my ultimate ambition is to produce fine art and spend the rest of my working years doing something i love. for reference, i'm 55 right now, 56 in the fall.

when i first began transition, i was all about disclosing to anyone who'd listen. it was new, it was fabulous, it was a waking dream. now i've had time to settle into it, i mostly want to live my life and be left alone to pursue the things i'm interested in. i have not dated, nor been romantically involved with anyone since i began transition. the last few years, i've felt ready to dip my toe back in that puddle...but haven't really found anyone who sparks my imagination for very long. well, until recently, but we don't live anywhere near one another, and have not actually spent any time together....y'all know how that goes. so, dating/relationship is not a concern.

quite frankly, i'm not sure what approach to take to this. aside from being a private person by nature, i've not wanted being trans to the the first thing people think of when they hear my name.

thoughts?

[Kent]

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

She'll prescribe it but doesn't know enough to monitor it from a transgender perspective. I had a condition that progressed rapidly due to T use and it wasn't caught. I ended up having surgery to fix the issue, and the damage to several of my internal organs. I'm fine now and will have no more problems when on T again, but my Dr thinks it would be better for me if I go to a clinic that knows more about transgender patients. She's still willing to write the script for me, but I guess I want to play it safe as well.

Would you mind discussing what the condition was and/or the effects of T on the condition? If you choose to discuss the condition, would you tell us about the damage to the internal organs too? I'm just curious as to what it was all about as we do not get a lot of information shared between us when there is a problem with taking T. If you'd be willing to put it out there, I'm sure other trans guys will appreciate it as well as myself. If you don't feel comfortable speaking about it, then I can understand and respect your choice. Thank you for sharing what you have already posted, Graff.

[GraffitiBoi]

Originally Posted by Kent

Would you mind discussing what the condition was and/or the effects of T on the condition? If you choose to discuss the condition, would you tell us about the damage to the internal organs too? I'm just curious as to what it was all about as we do not get a lot of information shared between us when there is a problem with taking T. If you'd be willing to put it out there, I'm sure other trans guys will appreciate it as well as myself. If you don't feel comfortable speaking about it, then I can understand and respect your choice. Thank you for sharing what you have already posted, Graff.

I'd be glad to share. I'm pretty open about myself and am always willing to share and educate if and when I can. I extend an open invite to ANYONE who wants to know more, or has questions. Feel free to ask me anything here or via PM if you aren't comfortable posting publicly.

From what my Dr. could tell, I developed endometriosis at the age of 14. It was mild and wasn't caught until the surgery. I had problems with it before I started T but it had never been detected, even after having a scope done in 1997. It didn't even show up in any ultrasounds or other tests I had up to, and including, the week before I had surgery.

When the Dr. went in to do the hysto she found that the scar tissue from the endometriosis had attached to several of my internal organs and fused them all together. (I have the pictures somewhere - gross) The only reason it progressed so far and to such a serious state was mostly my fault. The T sped up the process and since I waited 7 years to have the hysto... yeah...

I guess it was so bad that my Dr. stopped the surgery, called in a specialist and contacted all my emergency contacts. They did not know if I would make it though the repairs needed. Each organ had to be separated from each other and placed back into its correct position. My uterus and one ovary was removed. The other one was left because the possibility of being able to ever be on T again was not known. Due to the amount of damage and stress to my body they had trouble getting me to breathe on my own when I was in recovery.

To this day I still get some pain, but it is unclear if it is phantom pain (all in my head) or if it is due to some residual scarring. The Drs got as much of the scar tissue out as they could but there is always the risk some was missed. My remaining ovary is now giving me some problems and may have to come out at some point, but that is unclear at this time. I will be going to the U of MN gender clinic in the next few months to have it checked out and to resume taking T.

My advice to other trans guys: Get your shit checked out often and do what your Dr says!!! Don't be like me and ignore or put off the important stuff. LOL

[Kent]

Graff,

Thank you for sharing your story. You're here for a reason. Thank you.

[SirLucian]

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

I'd be glad to share. I'm pretty open about myself and am always willing to share and educate if and when I can. I extend an open invite to ANYONE who wants to know more, or has questions. Feel free to ask me anything here or via PM if you aren't comfortable posting publicly.

From what my Dr. could tell, I developed endometriosis at the age of 14. It was mild and wasn't caught until the surgery. I had problems with it before I started T but it had never been detected, even after having a scope done in 1997. It didn't even show up in any ultrasounds or other tests I had up to, and including, the week before I had surgery.

When the Dr. went in to do the hysto she found that the scar tissue from the endometriosis had attached to several of my internal organs and fused them all together. (I have the pictures somewhere - gross) The only reason it progressed so far and to such a serious state was mostly my fault. The T sped up the process and since I waited 7 years to have the hysto... yeah...

I guess it was so bad that my Dr. stopped the surgery, called in a specialist and contacted all my emergency contacts. They did not know if I would make it though the repairs needed. Each organ had to be separated from each other and placed back into its correct position. My uterus and one ovary was removed. The other one was left because the possibility of being able to ever be on T again was not known. Due to the amount of damage and stress to my body they had trouble getting me to breathe on my own when I was in recovery.

To this day I still get some pain, but it is unclear if it is phantom pain (all in my head) or if it is due to some residual scarring. The Drs got as much of the scar tissue out as they could but there is always the risk some was missed. My remaining ovary is now giving me some problems and may have to come out at some point, but that is unclear at this time. I will be going to the U of MN gender clinic in the next few months to have it checked out and to resume taking T.

My advice to other trans guys: Get your shit checked out often and do what your Dr says!!! Don't be like me and ignore or put off the important stuff. LOL

Thanks for this story
I recently had most of the same issues
Mine started as cancer when I was 23 they did not get it all as stated in the paperwork and last year it came back with a vengeance but all is ok now

[GraffitiBoi]

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

To this day I still get some pain, but it is unclear if it is phantom pain (all in my head) or if it is due to some residual scarring. The Drs got as much of the scar tissue out as they could but there is always the risk some was missed. My remaining ovary is now giving me some problems and may have to come out at some point, but that is unclear at this time.

Turns out the specialist they called in took out the good ovary and left the bad one... so now they want to take this one out too.