"The Headpat" - A Femme's Place

Hollylane · 12-16-2012, 05:51 PM

I have been head-patted before by people I have dated. It did not produce the desired result, unless it was that they wanted to be single. I am a strong, intelligent, sensitive, empathetic, outspoken, and opinionated woman. I know my place, it is existing and being treated as an equal within my personal relationships.

I feel fortunate to be a part of this online community, where people are taken to task by moderators and other members for "head-patting" type behavior, and because of this, it does not seem to rare its head here often.

This has happened to me multiple times at work and other times in my life as well. However, I think that the question posed in this thread was aimed toward experiencing this within our own community on and offline.

genghisfawn · 12-16-2012, 06:00 PM

I didn't reveal my age here for a long time because I knew I'd get headpatted. There there, you're not old enough to have any idea.

I'm 28. I've had personal tragedy. I've suffered from illness. I miscarried the only child I was ever able to conceive some years ago. I grew up with a special needs brother and a drug-addict father, my mother doing the best she could. I've loved very deeply. I've lost very painfully. I've travelled. I've lived alone. I've had an education. I've worked hard and enjoyed it.

I may not know what someone else knows, no matter how old they are, but I have my own experiences. I have not welcomed or courted condescending behaviour from anyone, and those who are politely asked to refrain are courteously despatched if they don't stop. I also refuse to condescend to anyone on the basis of age.

Butches, I'm sorry to say, are the most condescending. Sometimes femmes, but mainly within my own local community this happens (it's a femme-eat-femme world here, I'm afraid.)

Suffice to say that although it's tempting, when someone says to me, "When I was your age, chicken, back in the day..." to respond with "SHADDAP OLDZ LOL", I never would. But sometimes... sometimes... I know who I am and I know better than they do, but it would be so terribly satisfying. Swat the hand that pats me, indeed.

JustJo · 12-16-2012, 06:07 PM

Oddly enough I am rarely, if ever, head-patted in my real life. I get the occasional head pat locally in environments that are related to cars, home improvements, etc. Part of this may be because I'm female....and part may be because I truly don't know what is going on most of the time in these areas and it shows.

Tcountry and I laughed about this when hy came out to fix my roof. We were in Lowe's, in the tool section, and hy was about 6 or 8 feet in front of me. No doubt I had a bewildered look on my face, standing there in my floral dress, when a very nice man came up and offered me his card.....general handyman services.

He did not offer one to T.

Is this condescension? It could be seen that way. I prefer to think of it as good marketing and a good sense of who future customers might be. And, yes, I kept his card.

I have NEVER experienced a head pat in my professional work, even though I work with a lot of bio-males, and many people who technically outrank me in the workplace.

Where I have most often experienced it is in our community....online...and most often by femmes.

I think, in part, it's because they don't actually know me. They may have read my posts for years, but if we've never met then they only THINK they know me. I think the anonymous nature of the internet makes people more willing to be rude, condescending, or just plain nasty.

In person, I doubt the same dynamic would be in play.

Having said that....has it happened often here? No. It's been isolated, and only from a very small handful of people.

I prefer to think of it as their issue, not mine.

Angeltoes · 12-16-2012, 06:23 PM

In real life I encounter a lot of headpatting from bio-men. Whether there's something about my demeanor or my voice, bio-males have always been condescending toward me. It's the attitude of 'aw look, she has an opinion' and everything I say becomes a joke or cute. Most women don't do this to me as far as I've noticed. With bio-men, first comes the smirk, then the voice softens or raises an octave or two, then he speaks slowly to me as if to a child. I know who I am now, but it is frustrating. It caused me to develop all kinds of defensive measures namely my self-effacing sense of humor. I basically learned to beat them to the punch and now it's hard to turn that off. I can be humble and try to be gracious, but truly I'm not weak just because I don't fight back. I will simply assume someone is an idiot and not worth the effort after a few chances. Butches don't do that to me to the same degree, BUT I have felt that many butches make themselves the focus of every conversation. They interrupt me frequently or position conversations so that their thoughts and opinions are the default and everything I say is gauged against the standards they created.

I don't know if that’s just my experience or if there's something I do that triggers that kind of attitude. I refuse to act like someone I'm not just to get someone to take me seriously. I won''t engage people like that. They get tuned out and I lose interest in the conversation.

julieisafemme · 12-16-2012, 07:03 PM

Lucky for me I am so clueless half the time I do not register snark or head patting online. The only place I can say I have experienced this is talking about religion and that was butches and femmes who did the head patting because obviously I am intellectually inferior because I believe in G-d.

In real time I deal with head patting from butches and cisgendered men on occasion. It does not bother me but does make me sad sometimes. I feel bad for anyone who can't see me as a human being instead of a collection of stereotyped gendered behaviors.

Nomad · 12-16-2012, 07:36 PM

in r/l, whenever i'm head-patted it's typically because i dont, as a rule, tend to be taken seriously in the first place. this is all a huge change for me. 10 years ago it never would have happened.

in a lot of situations i tend to come across as unsure and awkward, at best, and to be reticent in charged situations. i also dont really take myself seriously anymore. less and less so over the last 5 or 6 years actually. i find it unrealistic to expect that people will treat me respectfully if they see that i lack basic self-esteem or that my self-respect is something that resides on shaky ground.

The_Lady_Snow · 12-16-2012, 07:47 PM

Why yes, I just did.... Imagine that...

aishah · 12-16-2012, 08:07 PM

i get head-patted rather frequently in real life, although it's often hard to tell the reason (ageism, ableism, sexism, racism). people frequently treat me as though i'm much younger than i am, and talk down to me. i've experienced some of that here, although i've felt more of it here over my age than because i identify as femme. most of my head-patting comes from older white men (and sometimes women) whom i work with. every now and then it'll be from a woman or man my own age or younger.

12-16-2012, 06:07 PM	#3
JustJo Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: pushy broad Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Follow your heart; it knows things your mind cannot explain. Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Southeast corner Posts: 5,633 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 24,417 Thanked 25,404 Times in 4,660 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	Oddly enough I am rarely, if ever, head-patted in my real life. I get the occasional head pat locally in environments that are related to cars, home improvements, etc. Part of this may be because I'm female....and part may be because I truly don't know what is going on most of the time in these areas and it shows. Tcountry and I laughed about this when hy came out to fix my roof. We were in Lowe's, in the tool section, and hy was about 6 or 8 feet in front of me. No doubt I had a bewildered look on my face, standing there in my floral dress, when a very nice man came up and offered me his card.....general handyman services. He did not offer one to T. Is this condescension? It could be seen that way. I prefer to think of it as good marketing and a good sense of who future customers might be. And, yes, I kept his card. I have NEVER experienced a head pat in my professional work, even though I work with a lot of bio-males, and many people who technically outrank me in the workplace. Where I have most often experienced it is in our community....online...and most often by femmes. I think, in part, it's because they don't actually know me. They may have read my posts for years, but if we've never met then they only THINK they know me. I think the anonymous nature of the internet makes people more willing to be rude, condescending, or just plain nasty. In person, I doubt the same dynamic would be in play. Having said that....has it happened often here? No. It's been isolated, and only from a very small handful of people. I prefer to think of it as their issue, not mine. __________________ I'm not tall enough to ride emotional roller coasters

12-16-2012, 07:03 PM	#5
julieisafemme Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Woman Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Married to Greyson Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In the present Posts: 828 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,156 Thanked 3,434 Times in 660 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Lucky for me I am so clueless half the time I do not register snark or head patting online. The only place I can say I have experienced this is talking about religion and that was butches and femmes who did the head patting because obviously I am intellectually inferior because I believe in G-d. In real time I deal with head patting from butches and cisgendered men on occasion. It does not bother me but does make me sad sometimes. I feel bad for anyone who can't see me as a human being instead of a collection of stereotyped gendered behaviors. __________________ Happiness Bubbling!

12-16-2012, 07:47 PM	#7
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,077 Times in 15,670 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	Yes! Why yes, I just did.... Imagine that... __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

12-16-2012, 05:51 PM	#1
Hollylane Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: . Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: . Posts: 11,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 34,694 Thanked 26,362 Times in 5,875 Posts Rep Power: 21474862	I have been head-patted before by people I have dated. It did not produce the desired result, unless it was that they wanted to be single. I am a strong, intelligent, sensitive, empathetic, outspoken, and opinionated woman. I know my place, it is existing and being treated as an equal within my personal relationships. I feel fortunate to be a part of this online community, where people are taken to task by moderators and other members for "head-patting" type behavior, and because of this, it does not seem to rare its head here often. This has happened to me multiple times at work and other times in my life as well. However, I think that the question posed in this thread was aimed toward experiencing this within our own community on and offline.

12-16-2012, 06:00 PM	#2
genghisfawn Member How Do You Identify?: Femme/Gentlewoman Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: Happily married 05/17/14 Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: Saskatchewan, Canada Posts: 561 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,056 Thanked 2,158 Times in 403 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	I didn't reveal my age here for a long time because I knew I'd get headpatted. There there, you're not old enough to have any idea. I'm 28. I've had personal tragedy. I've suffered from illness. I miscarried the only child I was ever able to conceive some years ago. I grew up with a special needs brother and a drug-addict father, my mother doing the best she could. I've loved very deeply. I've lost very painfully. I've travelled. I've lived alone. I've had an education. I've worked hard and enjoyed it. I may not know what someone else knows, no matter how old they are, but I have my own experiences. I have not welcomed or courted condescending behaviour from anyone, and those who are politely asked to refrain are courteously despatched if they don't stop. I also refuse to condescend to anyone on the basis of age. Butches, I'm sorry to say, are the most condescending. Sometimes femmes, but mainly within my own local community this happens (it's a femme-eat-femme world here, I'm afraid.) Suffice to say that although it's tempting, when someone says to me, "When I was your age, chicken, back in the day..." to respond with "SHADDAP OLDZ LOL", I never would. But sometimes... sometimes... I know who I am and I know better than they do, but it would be so terribly satisfying. Swat the hand that pats me, indeed.

12-16-2012, 06:23 PM	#4
Angeltoes Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Nunya Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Bernlandia Posts: 1,740 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,286 Thanked 5,525 Times in 1,386 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	In real life I encounter a lot of headpatting from bio-men. Whether there's something about my demeanor or my voice, bio-males have always been condescending toward me. It's the attitude of 'aw look, she has an opinion' and everything I say becomes a joke or cute. Most women don't do this to me as far as I've noticed. With bio-men, first comes the smirk, then the voice softens or raises an octave or two, then he speaks slowly to me as if to a child. I know who I am now, but it is frustrating. It caused me to develop all kinds of defensive measures namely my self-effacing sense of humor. I basically learned to beat them to the punch and now it's hard to turn that off. I can be humble and try to be gracious, but truly I'm not weak just because I don't fight back. I will simply assume someone is an idiot and not worth the effort after a few chances. Butches don't do that to me to the same degree, BUT I have felt that many butches make themselves the focus of every conversation. They interrupt me frequently or position conversations so that their thoughts and opinions are the default and everything I say is gauged against the standards they created. I don't know if that’s just my experience or if there's something I do that triggers that kind of attitude. I refuse to act like someone I'm not just to get someone to take me seriously. I won''t engage people like that. They get tuned out and I lose interest in the conversation.

12-16-2012, 07:36 PM	#6
Nomad Timed Out How Do You Identify?: stone femme Daddy's girl Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: disinterested Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: in my head Posts: 991 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,848 Thanked 3,745 Times in 734 Posts Rep Power: 0	in r/l, whenever i'm head-patted it's typically because i dont, as a rule, tend to be taken seriously in the first place. this is all a huge change for me. 10 years ago it never would have happened. in a lot of situations i tend to come across as unsure and awkward, at best, and to be reticent in charged situations. i also dont really take myself seriously anymore. less and less so over the last 5 or 6 years actually. i find it unrealistic to expect that people will treat me respectfully if they see that i lack basic self-esteem or that my self-respect is something that resides on shaky ground.

12-16-2012, 08:07 PM	#8
aishah Member How Do You Identify?: queer stone femme shark baby girl Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, little one Relationship Status: dating myself. Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: dallas, tx Posts: 1,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,823 Thanked 6,440 Times in 1,288 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	i get head-patted rather frequently in real life, although it's often hard to tell the reason (ageism, ableism, sexism, racism). people frequently treat me as though i'm much younger than i am, and talk down to me. i've experienced some of that here, although i've felt more of it here over my age than because i identify as femme. most of my head-patting comes from older white men (and sometimes women) whom i work with. every now and then it'll be from a woman or man my own age or younger.