Poly Relationships

[Ms. Meander]

Originally Posted by AlixKnight4All

This is the third attempt I have made to answer your question Ms. Meander..I seem to keep being pulled away each time I have sat down to answer it. I actually found it a rather interesting question and wanted to add how I handle and think about the topic.
First I consider kissing to be one of the most intimate things you can do with a person. I never kiss "play partners" it is just a non-issue and something I have lived by because of what the act of kissing means.
In the polyamorous relationships I have been in the past it was a non-issue because well simply because I made the rules and I was the only dominant involved. So yes I kissed the women I was in a relationship with. Then again we all lived under the same roof.
Now though I am finding myself in polyamorous relationships where we do not live under the same roof and I am starting to ask myself that very question. Where does kissing play a part in each relationship and how do I or should I handle such an intimate act/subject? Like everything else I think it should be discussed..openly and honestly. I also think it will depend on who the other people are, if I know them or not. It will also depend on how many are involved.
I will need to be able to kiss my primary partner. I need that level of intimacy. Yet, there will be other things to consider so it is not as simple or as easy to answer as I first thought it would be. When I sat down to answer how I felt about kissing in polyamorous relationships that involve me.

I agree that kissing is an act of intimacy. An act of intimacy that is important to me and I enjoy greatly. Most people I'm talking to agree that one does not kiss their play partners. Makes sense to me. But it seems to get more tricky when it comes to multiple intimate relationships, as you are noticing, yourself. If there are rules around kissing they often have to do with keeping that particular act between primaries. I understand this too.

When I'm thinking of myself in relation to this topic I have a lot of questions. First, I don't know what kind of relationship structure will ultimately work best for me. What if I decide not to pursue a primary relationship of my own and am content to be the second or third to others -- and then they all have agreements only to kiss their primaries? Who do I get to kiss? Obviously there are potential solutions to this but these are the sorts of questions that pop up.

I find it useful to hear other people's thoughts and experiences as I form my understandings and opinions on these topics. I thank you all for playing along!

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Ms. Meander

I agree that kissing is an act of intimacy. An act of intimacy that is important to me and I enjoy greatly. Most people I'm talking to agree that one does not kiss their play partners. Makes sense to me. But it seems to get more tricky when it comes to multiple intimate relationships, as you are noticing, yourself. If there are rules around kissing they often have to do with keeping that particular act between primaries. I understand this too.

When I'm thinking of myself in relation to this topic I have a lot of questions. First, I don't know what kind of relationship structure will ultimately work best for me. What if I decide not to pursue a primary relationship of my own and am content to be the second or third to others -- and then they all have agreements only to kiss their primaries? Who do I get to kiss? Obviously there are potential solutions to this but these are the sorts of questions that pop up.

I find it useful to hear other people's thoughts and experiences as I form my understandings and opinions on these topics. I thank you all for playing along!

i think it's great that people address these things BEFOREHAND. While one may think kissing is no big deal, someone else feels it's as intimate as sex.

[DamonK]

Kissing... Highly sensual, highly erotic.

I'd never deprive a partner the opportunity to kiss someone they're dating as long as all those affected are aware of it and okay with it.

Fondling, sex... On the other hand, is different.

You can come home and tell me, "hey, I grabbed .. and kissed them.". My response? Did you have fun....?

You come home and tell me, "hey, I slept with.." and my response will be WTF?!

Things happen. I get that. I'm very forgiving. Just communicate with me. Beforehand preferably.

[aishah]

for me, if i want to be with someone, then usually i want to be emotionally intimate with them as well as physically, and that can involve kissing. so we don't have rules or boundaries around that.

[Ms. Meander]

Wow, thank you all for the thoughtful responses. Even though I've had some experience with polyamory in the past, and have continuously had some poly people somewhere in my sphere, I am throwing everything I thought I knew out the window and starting from scratch. Because my former perceptions were based in different types of biases, which limited me.

I was apprehensive about sharing openly here and still am, a little - but mostly out of habit. I've never been one to share too deeply in the forums because I had a lot of wounds that needed protecting. Now that they are healed, I am finding my voice, my liberation. And I am very grateful to have a place to share and wonder. Thank you.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Ms. Meander

Wow, thank you all for the thoughtful responses. Even though I've had some experience with polyamory in the past, and have continuously had some poly people somewhere in my sphere, I am throwing everything I thought I knew out the window and starting from scratch. Because my former perceptions were based in different types of biases, which limited me.

I was apprehensive about sharing openly here and still am, a little - but mostly out of habit. I've never been one to share too deeply in the forums because I had a lot of wounds that needed protecting. Now that they are healed, I am finding my voice, my liberation. And I am very grateful to have a place to share and wonder. Thank you.

You go girl! Have fun and make no excuses for being a vivacious, free spirited woman.

My journey for liberation wasn't about the type of sex I wanted to have, being queer or the many other things I engaged in. It was about being a woman and being whatever kind of woman I wanted to be. Not a mold from the society I was born into. It's a brave person who follows the beat of their own drum. Not an easy thing but the most fulfilling to your spirit.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Ms. Meander

Wow, thank you all for the thoughtful responses. Even though I've had some experience with polyamory in the past, and have continuously had some poly people somewhere in my sphere, I am throwing everything I thought I knew out the window and starting from scratch. Because my former perceptions were based in different types of biases, which limited me.

I was apprehensive about sharing openly here and still am, a little - but mostly out of habit. I've never been one to share too deeply in the forums because I had a lot of wounds that needed protecting. Now that they are healed, I am finding my voice, my liberation. And I am very grateful to have a place to share and wonder. Thank you.

Yes good for you. IMO ALL Poly relationships are unique. Ours certainly is! One size does not fit all so you either have to join a family that suits you or build one that suits you. Ours has had some shifts but our foundation is rock solid with Syr at the helm.


My biggest gripe is that people assume that poly = free for all sex/play for everyone. The Head of the Household has sex with anyone, everyone, whenever they want.
That could be true for some but not all.

[Ms. Meander]

I am having some interesting and growth provoking experiences already in my journey into polyamory. Because this is all new and I started out single, I am mostly just dating. I could be called a solo polyamorist. What makes my situation different then just plain dating is that am open to multiple lovers and open to the possibilities of those relationships evolving into something deeper and long-lasting. The people I become involved with must understand and agree to these terms. I love the openness and clarity of it all. I am challenged to put my communication skills to work in ways that are still unfamiliar and a little uncomfortable at times, just because it is new. But the result is satisfying.

There have been a couple of bumps in the road already, that are being overcome. An ongoing lover who I believe to have longer-term potential is a very busy person and I got lost in the shuffle over the holidays, there was miscommunication when she thought we had spoken about something when in fact, I was left dangling. I didn't like it and I had to let her know. It was awkward for me but I did it and I'm glad I did. She's sorry and feels badly that the circumstances did not reflect my importance to her. I am valuable. My time is valuable. My relationships need to reflect that.

It was also awkward for me to tell her that I'm about to go on a date with someone new. All of this openness is not second-nature. Society breeds it out of us and we have to work hard to re-learn it. So glad I'm making the effort.