Long Distance Relationships

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Metro

Many years ago I had a similar arrangement for over a year w/ a GF (now ex) before she moved in w/ me -- it just became too time consuming and costly to maintain two households (and spend time commuting between the two places in an equitable way). While I require ample "me" time, from my own perspective the day-to-day of a local or live-in relationship (and potential for spontaneity and everyday in-person experiences) vastly enriches any relationship. I learned a lot about the shared household dynamic in the years that particular ex and I lived together... Mostly learning that I function best in a relationship when the one I am seriously involved with is nearby so we can resolve differences, relish achievements, or grieve loss face-to-face. Altho I am not completely averse to the idea of a LDR, and have tried a few times to establish one (unsuccessfully), it just may not be the best fit for me. I like the ordinary things like eye contact, holding hands, cuddling, and kissing that having someone nearby affords on a regular basis, too. To each their own.

My situation is unusual in that we lived together for two years, then I moved out, and now we have this "commuting" relationship.

I don't consider her eligible to be my domestic partner for reasons I won't go into, but I love her, and she can be a good girlfriend. There is an asymmetry to the arrangement, in that she's the one with the kid, and has no support except for her generous sister who does what she can. So it's easier for me to go out there, than for her to come to my place. Still, I expect her to make me feel special while I'm out there, and to focus on me. If that wanes, I just won't go. I call the shots now.

[Prudence]

I just visited this site a couple days ago.. I came away with a feeling of sadness. I saw an honest question, picked apart and attacked. I have to say it was done with court room precision. The beautiful art (to some) of leaving someone second guessing their own truths and beliefs. Using a play on words. "love", "in love"---wow.. someone came to this thread, clearly emotional about what was happening to them, and reached out . Be it semantics or confusion , I feel it was wrongfully handled. There is no right or wrong way to fall in love. It is an individual as we all are. I have to wonder whats really going on with the person inside who wants to rip at another. How does this one really feel about him/her self. I see this as insecurity at the most intense level. Sad really.

[grenade]

I'm not saying you can't establish a good foundation, but you definitely can't build the whole house. I still agree with Ciaran.

I can. I have. You cant. Ciaran cant. Others may be able to. There is no absolute in this subject.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Prudence

I just visited this site a couple days ago.. I came away with a feeling of sadness. I saw an honest question, picked apart and attacked. I have to say it was done with court room precision. The beautiful art (to some) of leaving someone second guessing their own truths and beliefs. Using a play on words. "love", "in love"---wow.. someone came to this thread, clearly emotional about what was happening to them, and reached out . Be it semantics or confusion , I feel it was wrongfully handled. There is no right or wrong way to fall in love. It is an individual as we all are. I have to wonder whats really going on with the person inside who wants to rip at another. How does this one really feel about him/her self. I see this as insecurity at the most intense level. Sad really.

That's so true! (part I bolded)

What I've been hearing is that people have what they consider optimal ways of falling in love, contexts they trust more than others.

It seems to vary.

[kittygrrl]

I'm afraid all advice is such things will not be heard or forgotten, the heart demands all our attention in such matters

[SleepyButch]

There is no right or wrong way... what works for someone else may or may not work for me. All I know is what I have gone through in the past and how I feel about LDRs. I would never force my opinions on anyone else and I would hope they would not do that to me.

I have fallen for someone before we even met.. the physical part of it.. seeing if we connect in person.. are attracted to each other physically.. have great sex.. etc.. adds to that. I don't deny that I need to know if I connect in person but that does not negate any feelings I may have had before that point. Sometimes it works out.. and sometimes it doesn't.

It is true that many people lie about who they are, what they look like or what they do. That is the unfortunate part about starting online. I think if you pay attention at all, you can see that those things don't add up before you let your feelings get into it... although I know that a lot get hurt because of this very thing. I've had my share of experiences so I guess maybe if someone was new to this "game" they may not realize they are being tricked.

And... If I fall for someone.. I will support them whether or not they are having stress with bills, the queen of england, or work in a circus. Relationships are about give and take. I am not going to stop having feelings for someone because they have stress in their life. I would want them to be supportive of me in the same situations.

Also.. I could meet someone online who looks like a super model in person. We may have great sex but if she can't keep my attention in conversation or make me laugh.. really what good is all that other stuff for long term? That's where the learning about someone through talking whether it be on the phone or skype or email or what have you.. comes in handy.

[Boots13]

I think a LDR can set the ground work for falling in love, but really...how much can you know about the "intangibles" without spending real time together.

I shouldnt even be talking about LDR....mine fell apart. There is no fault or blame, so dont read into anything here. But I am talking about the struggle to keep your eyes wide open.

No matter how much time you spend, 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months the stays are just that...stays. Mini vacations, exciting rendevous, hot interludes. Those visits are full of Modified behavior (I'm not going into work today) , easy compromises (short term concessions) , financial excursions (lunches, dates, drives and tours) and just the pure elation and joy of spending real time with your chosen one.

But it is not the daily, unending grind of real time living.

The slow erosion of stress and the tolls of circumstance seem to fade away during a LDR and all of the courting, flirting, talking, exploring that comes with them.

I think LDR's can build a base for exploring future potential, and they work for a lot of people...but I wouldnt do it again. Not for me.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Prudence

I just visited this site a couple days ago.. I came away with a feeling of sadness. I saw an honest question, picked apart and attacked. I have to say it was done with court room precision. The beautiful art (to some) of leaving someone second guessing their own truths and beliefs. Using a play on words. "love", "in love"---wow.. someone came to this thread, clearly emotional about what was happening to them, and reached out . Be it semantics or confusion , I feel it was wrongfully handled. There is no right or wrong way to fall in love. It is an individual as we all are. I have to wonder whats really going on with the person inside who wants to rip at another. How does this one really feel about him/her self. I see this as insecurity at the most intense level. Sad really.

Your experience reiterated above sounds very nasty and hostile. In which thread did you see this attack because I certainly cannot see it here?

Are we meant to be dishonest in how we interact so that we sugar-coat? If so, I certainly won't be involved in such pretense.

If someone asks a question, if I give an answer, it will be an honest one. No ripping apart but don't ask a question if you might not like the answer provided.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by Boots13

No matter how much time you spend, 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months the stays are just that...stays. Mini vacations, exciting rendevous, hot interludes. Those visits are full of Modified behavior (I'm not going into work today) , easy compromises (short term concessions) , financial excursions (lunches, dates, drives and tours) and just the pure elation and joy of spending real time with your chosen one.

But it is not the daily, unending grind of real time living.

Not true for everyone, Boots. I'm currently on a 3-week "stay", but U and I are both working. I have the luxury of having a job I can do from anywhere, so I'm holed up in the office at U's while he runs errands and goes to his own work. It's only been about 6 months for us, so this is the first time we've done it this way. I think it's good for him to see me in my full ADD mode - my work is demanding and divides my attention 600 ways at once, and I see him tired and grumpy as he trudges into work at 5am. Also, he has now seen me in my ugly pajama pants, God-awful hair, and pimples.

Anyway, the LDR has been good to us so far. The secret ingredient has been blatant, brutal, sometimes asshole-ish honesty. We have icky fights sometimes, but I can honestly say I've grown a little with each one. We don't make big romantic plans for the future (it's too soon for that); we just take one day at a time.

I've had other LDR's. The last one I had went well; we traveled a lot together which was fun, but when the time came where he was in the hospital, I was there. He stayed with me in his recovery, and when I was horrendously ill, he was there too. Nothing "fell apart" with that relationship, we broke up because of the way he felt about himself - which, near or far, is not something you know about someone right off the bat.

From my experience, here are some common mistakes I see:

Sorry to pick on Sleepy here, but people who "fall" for someone before they meet have a high rate of failure in LDR's (IMHO). People don't represent themselves honestly all the time, and if you don't meet quickly, there's probably a reason for that. I definitely knew what I thought I felt before I met U, but I was afraid to say it, because it is hard to know what's real until someone is standing right in front of you.

People move too damn quickly. My friend Mel has a theory: people can hide their "crazy" for 18 months. JAGG has a similar theory. So, if you're thinking about moving in before that mark, well good luck to you, but I won't ever make that mistake again (did that with 2 local relationships - I'm a slow learner).

Make no mistake, LDR's are expensive. If you're not financially stable, I would not advise being in an LDR. I know that if something really awful happens, I can be here in about 48 hours. There's a lot of comfort in that, and there's a lot of uncertainty if that's not the case.


Anyway, if you like someone, go for it. Not all of us are lucky to live in an area with a vibrant B/F community, so LDR's become the best option. You just have to go in with your eyes open, know that like any relationship, you're taking a risk. Be smart and be safe, and above all, ENJOY YOURSELF. Just don't bring a u-haul on the second date.

[Ginger]

Some of us think LDRs work for us. Some think they don't. The only thing I object to is when someone insists that whatever does or doesn't work for her, will have the same impact on someone else.

We don't react the same in all situations.

What's helpful to me is when someone like Diva explains WHY it's working; what she and her partner are doing to make it work.

Sharing strategies for success can be helpful; we all apply them in our own ways and sometimes they trigger our own problem-solving epiphanies.

I'm a big fan of thinking.

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

From my experience, here are some common mistakes I see:

Sorry to pick on Sleepy here, but people who "fall" for someone before they meet have a high rate of failure in LDR's (IMHO). People don't represent themselves honestly all the time, and if you don't meet quickly, there's probably a reason for that. I definitely knew what I thought I felt before I met U, but I was afraid to say it, because it is hard to know what's real until someone is standing right in front of you.

People move too damn quickly. My friend Mel has a theory: people can hide their "crazy" for 18 months. JAGG has a similar theory. So, if you're thinking about moving in before that mark, well good luck to you, but I won't ever make that mistake again (did that with 2 local relationships - I'm a slow learner).

Make no mistake, LDR's are expensive. If you're not financially stable, I would not advise being in an LDR. I know that if something really awful happens, I can be here in about 48 hours. There's a lot of comfort in that, and there's a lot of uncertainty if that's not the case.


Anyway, if you like someone, go for it. Not all of us are lucky to live in an area with a vibrant B/F community, so LDR's become the best option. You just have to go in with your eyes open, know that like any relationship, you're taking a risk. Be smart and be safe, and above all, ENJOY YOURSELF. Just don't bring a u-haul on the second date.

It's okay if you pick on me.. I can take it. I have a different opinion of why those LDRs where people fall before they meet don't work. I don't think it's because someone fell for someone but that it is because "we" tend to jump too quickly into wanting to live together, get married, be together forever, whatever. While I believe you can fall for someone ahead of time.. I think what makes it work is continuing to get to know each other, communication, and honesty.

At this point in my life, I have a job where I can work anywhere in the country so I could move to be with someone and while that may happen some day, I am in no rush to do it. If the right person comes along, will I wait two years to move in together? I doubt it unless we are already living within a certain distance where we can see each other regularly. It may or may not work but I'm willing to take a chance if I think it's the right thing for me and the other person involved.

To each their own. I certainly am not going to doom someone because they've known each other for only two months and are moving across country to be with each other. I've seen those types of relationships fail and those types of relationship thrive.

My last LDR turned into a six year live together relationship after about three months of commuting back and forth by plane. I think if we would have communicated better over the years, that may have lasted but hind sight....

It would be interesting to hear from those of you who were in an LDR and are now living together happily. What made it work? Were there things that did not work and if so, how did you get around those things to remain happy?

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by SleepyButch

What made it work? Were there things that did not work and if so, how did you get around those things to remain happy?

Good questions for ANY relatonship.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

Not true for everyone, Boots. I'm currently on a 3-week "stay", but U and I are both working. I have the luxury of having a job I can do from anywhere, so I'm holed up in the office at U's while he runs errands and goes to his own work. It's only been about 6 months for us, so this is the first time we've done it this way. I think it's good for him to see me in my full ADD mode - my work is demanding and divides my attention 600 ways at once, and I see him tired and grumpy as he trudges into work at 5am. Also, he has now seen me in my ugly pajama pants, God-awful hair, and pimples.

Anyway, the LDR has been good to us so far. The secret ingredient has been blatant, brutal, sometimes asshole-ish honesty. We have icky fights sometimes, but I can honestly say I've grown a little with each one. We don't make big romantic plans for the future (it's too soon for that); we just take one day at a time.

I've had other LDR's. The last one I had went well; we traveled a lot together which was fun, but when the time came where he was in the hospital, I was there. He stayed with me in his recovery, and when I was horrendously ill, he was there too. Nothing "fell apart" with that relationship, we broke up because of the way he felt about himself - which, near or far, is not something you know about someone right off the bat.

From my experience, here are some common mistakes I see:

Sorry to pick on Sleepy here, but people who "fall" for someone before they meet have a high rate of failure in LDR's (IMHO). People don't represent themselves honestly all the time, and if you don't meet quickly, there's probably a reason for that. I definitely knew what I thought I felt before I met U, but I was afraid to say it, because it is hard to know what's real until someone is standing right in front of you.

People move too damn quickly. My friend Mel has a theory: people can hide their "crazy" for 18 months. JAGG has a similar theory. So, if you're thinking about moving in before that mark, well good luck to you, but I won't ever make that mistake again (did that with 2 local relationships - I'm a slow learner).

Make no mistake, LDR's are expensive. If you're not financially stable, I would not advise being in an LDR. I know that if something really awful happens, I can be here in about 48 hours. There's a lot of comfort in that, and there's a lot of uncertainty if that's not the case.


Anyway, if you like someone, go for it. Not all of us are lucky to live in an area with a vibrant B/F community, so LDR's become the best option. You just have to go in with your eyes open, know that like any relationship, you're taking a risk. Be smart and be safe, and above all, ENJOY YOURSELF. Just don't bring a u-haul on the second date.

Yup Yup and Yup!!!

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

Good questions for ANY relatonship.

Yup and how much of each other did you see before the move in? i believe wholeheartedly that couples that have jumped too soon, tend to hang on for a long while after one or both knows it was a mistake. Too much invested to just undo it. So hanging on until there is no other option happens.

It is expensive, so if you see someone now and then, it's always a honeymoon. That sure is fun but not a basis for a lifetime of real life, and the investment involved with uprooting or having someone come into your home that you truly have only seen a handful of times. IMO.

i know it happens, the ones who beat the odds and it works. But i feel it's very uncommon

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by SleepyButch

What made it work? Were there things that did not work and if so, how did you get around those things to remain happy?

From my experience, when it worked it worked because all parties were equally invested and had faith in the other. Any jealousy or other insecurities were addressed as soon as detected and worked out with good, thorough communication. All parties HAVE to be on the same page in all aspects or the balance will tilt and shift and wounded feelings will make their appearance.

When it did not work, it was usually due to thoughts and feelings not being addressed and then one party or more begins to have doubts and hurt feelings and those insecurities spread over time until they consume the parties that are having them.

Honesty is a must. The good, bad and ugly as I call it. Without pure honesty, I don't think that there's a chance at all for an LDR to work. Now, that doesn't mean one has to be harsh but I don't care for sugarcoating either. Just the truth, as it is.

Basically, the things that are required to make any other relationship work is what is required to make LDRs work, but on a more vigilant level.

[gotoseagrl]

it goes beyond communication & honesty. for something that's not limited or short-term, what worked for me before was keeping it in real space as much as possible (voice, visits, frequent contact, making real plans). those things tend to subside the void. actions vs words regardless of distance, money, status, circumstances or other things keeping you apart. actively making opportunities & priorities to have that person be part of your real life, consistently, since they can't be there physically yet. in my experience, that's also what made things actually happen face to face, eventually. getting lost in the virtual realms of fantasy, hopes, wishes & text vs what you actually do have of the real person makes it too hard to sustain. i need to have something tangible to look forward to when there are serious, long-term expectations & goals. constantly having to wonder what things would really be like with the person or having to go too long with "living" the relationship through your mind/thoughts/dreams gets tiring, frustrating and disappointing after too long. so much can be said about this.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by gotoseagrl

it goes beyond communication & honesty. for something that's not limited or short-term, what worked for me before was keeping it in real space as much as possible (voice, visits, frequent contact, making real plans). those things tend to subside the void. actions vs words regardless of distance, money, status, circumstances or other things keeping you apart. actively making opportunities & priorities to have that person be part of your real life, consistently, since they can't be there physically yet. in my experience, that's also what made things actually happen face to face, eventually. getting lost in the virtual realms of fantasy, hopes, wishes & text vs what you actually do have of the real person makes it too hard to sustain. i need to have something tangible to look forward to when there are serious, long-term expectations & goals. constantly having to wonder what things would really be like with the person or having to go too long with "living" the relationship through your mind/thoughts/dreams gets tiring, frustrating and disappointing after too long. so much can be said about this.

I appreciate what you say about what makes LDRs work for you, and I agree that having as much face time as possible is absolutely important, but please do not dismiss what worked best for me.

Thanks!

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i believe wholeheartedly that couples that have jumped too soon, tend to hang on for a long while after one or both knows it was a mistake. Too much invested to just undo it. So hanging on until there is no other option happens.

I know this held true for me and the last person I lived with.

[grenade]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Yup and how much of each other did you see before the move in? i believe wholeheartedly that couples that have jumped too soon, tend to hang on for a long while after one or both knows it was a mistake. Too much invested to just undo it. So hanging on until there is no other option happens.

It is expensive, so if you see someone now and then, it's always a honeymoon. That sure is fun but not a basis for a lifetime of real life, and the investment involved with uprooting or having someone come into your home that you truly have only seen a handful of times. IMO.

i know it happens, the ones who beat the odds and it works. But i feel it's very uncommon

I don't think this is exclusive to LDR's. I have made the mistake of jumping in too soon and not truly knowing the person. It was a local relationship..no internet, no skype. It was the most horrible relationship of my life. This person looked into my eyes and lied again and again. It took a few years to truly see this person for who they were.

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by grenade

I don't think this is exclusive to LDR's. I have made the mistake of jumping in too soon and not truly knowing the person. It was a local relationship..no internet, no skype. It was the most horrible relationship of my life. This person looked into my eyes and lied again and again. It took a few years to truly see this person for who they were.

I agree. This can also happen just as easily if someone lived down the street, even if they weren't lying about who they were. You date them for awhile, you fall for them, see how they live, they see how you live, and you move in with each other after an extended courtship. After that, you realize you are not compatible, you can't stand his/her annoying habits and vice versa. How many people wind up in divorce or separate after being together for awhile, moving in finally and realizing they can't get along or that one of the other were lying?? I think it's a lot more than we think.

Bottom line is risks can happen in any situation whether it be LDRs or local dating. It just depends on what types of risks and committments the two or more people who are involved want to take/make to each other.