advice plz - my father's alcoholism

morningstar55 · 03-31-2010, 05:44 AM

my sister and her husband are/were alcoholic's
i say were cause....... i loss my sister from it 2 and half yrs ago.... and wow seems like it hasnt been that long.... i miss her so much.
they have a son.... he is in the reserves.....and doing well and in college.
i hope he doesnt fall in that same crack.

hope you can get the help you and your dad need at this time.
keeping you in my thoughts.. and positive energy.

sylvie · 03-31-2010, 05:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morningstar55

my sister and her husband are/were alcoholic's
i say were cause....... i loss my sister from it 2 and half yrs ago.... and wow seems like it hasnt been that long.... i miss her so much.
they have a son.... he is in the reserves.....and doing well and in college.
i hope he doesnt fall in that same crack.

hope you can get the help you and your dad need at this time.
keeping you in my thoughts.. and positive energy.

(((hugggz)))
i'm so sorry for your loss morningstar, sincerely..
i was just thinking how it's already been 7 years since i lost my grandfather to it, too.. time really does fly by. so happy to hear their son is doing so well, sounds like he's on the right road that's for sure. ♥

thank you, very much for your positive energy and thoughts, very much appreciated.

morningstar55 · 03-31-2010, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sylvie

(((hugggz)))
i'm so sorry for your loss morningstar, sincerely..
i was just thinking how it's already been 7 years since i lost my grandfather to it, too.. time really does fly by. so happy to hear their son is doing so well, sounds like he's on the right road that's for sure. ♥

thank you, very much for your positive energy and thoughts, very much appreciated.

(((((sylvie))))))))))))) sorry for your loss as well.... time does seem to go fast... my brother in law still drinks. he is more of a weekend binger..
my mom doesnt like to think that my sister died of such a thing , but a lot of us know better.
I tell my nephew and my daughter.. how i know there young and want to have fun with friends and such..... and its OK to have a drink . or 2..... BUT .... please its not cool to go crazy with it. Hope they are hearing me.
anyways.... ty ...

adorable · 03-31-2010, 09:17 AM

I grew up with alcoholics everywhere in my family. It effects how and what you think forever. I tended then, as now, to be a fixer. I was the one who handled things. I picked up pieces and put them back together. The problem is - they didn't appreciate it then. (People don't appreciate it now either lol because I tend to pick people who just can't. Ah, the sick and twisted tapes.) I stopped speaking to my mother years ago because she is abusive and unsafe. I didn't have a choice growing up. As an adult I do have choices. I still don't always make the right ones. It's hard when you grow up in chaos to know who, what and when to trust or believe.

One thing that I heard though, and this is truth so read it over and over again, "You don't have the right to take a person's bottom away from them."

In order for a person to hit bottom which is the only hope of them ever getting sober everyone needs to stop enabling. All of it. It happens naturally sometimes because they tend to piss people off and so the people close to them eventually walk away. It's hard enough to do when you are in a relationship with someone. When you have been raised by the person to do exactly what you are doing - that imo - is much more difficult. Years of programming isn't undone overnight. It helped me to realize that in enabling them I am taking away the very thing that might actually save their life.

We didn't cause it, we can't control it and it will never make sense. Definately go to Alanon as other people suggested.

apretty · 03-31-2010, 09:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by adorable

One thing that I heard though, and this is truth so read it over and over again, "You don't have the right to take a person's bottom away from them."

i love this!

Soft*Silver · 03-31-2010, 10:10 AM

Al Anon is everything they say it is. Its a life's tool to keep yourself from staying insane from the alcoholic's misery. It will teach you how to love your alcoholic differently. And that difference is distinct ...because it sacrifices nothing of you. You get to stay intact. But you still get to love the alcoholic.

You dad knows what to do if he needs help. He choses not to. Now this is between him and his Higher Power. Step out of its way. Let God do what you cannot...you are not who can save him...only his God can, whatever God is to him as he understands it.

AA got me sober. But I learned all about myself and people thru Al Anon. I feel it was the icing on the cake for me...

I am so sorry your father is so bad off. And that you are so "trapped". Literally, alcoholics take family members "hostage", emotionally and sometimes physically if you are also their physical caretaker. Get yourself to an Al Anon meeting...

and eventually get yourself into an ACoA meeting..Adult CHildren of Alcholics. I wept thru my first few meetings. It made the insanity real for me. Once validated, I could work on myself. I had so many behaviors and thoughts that were tied to being an ACoA....

but first..Al Anon...good luck...

sylvie · 03-31-2010, 12:53 PM

wow, thank you... all of you..
this thread has really helped me gain an understanding.. moreso of myself and what i need to do, for me.. and that i really have no control over the rest. i knew i couldn't (and shouldn't try) to save him. but i've never really thought of it all in the sense he needs to hit bottom and doing what we do may be preventing that.

i really do appreciate each of you taking time to share your thoughts, experiences and support in this.. for your encouragement..

i made the call today and got the number i needed, called it and left a message for someone to contact me.. hopefully, i will have my first meeting lined up very soon.

i'm nervous, but i know this is needed.. i was hoping my stepmother would do it as well, but she has no interest.
i really did it, i got my foot in the door and it's just a matter of time now..time to breathe..

*warm hugz*

Soft*Silver · 03-31-2010, 01:05 PM

the first time I went to an Al Anon meeting I walked in and leaned up against the doorway and looked in...

up until that point, mind you, I had been sitting out in the car, growling how unfair it was that *I* had to go to a meeting for HER problem. And I didnt want a bunch of people who didnt even understand alcoholism (remember, I am an alcoholic too) try to tell me how to make her behave herself. I also didnt want them to look down on me because I was an alcoholic, too. So I felt a chip on my shoulder forming....

so when I walked in and leaned up against the doorway, this is what I saw:

happy people.

Not miserable, whining, two faced, controlling people...

I saw Happy People...laughing, hugging each other, sharing good news, holding onto someone who was obviously distressed, busy members getting the place ready for the meeting and people making coffee and putting out cookies...

happy people. Not tormented, miserable, fearful, angry people. Happy People...

even the one who was clearly distressed was in the loving arms of people who were smiling and being encouraging...

I forgot what Happy People looked like!!

So, my advice stands. Go. Be amongst the Happy People. Someday you could be one too...

Billy · 09-23-2010, 05:33 PM

[quote=adorable;76288]
One thing that I heard though, and this is truth so read it over and over again, "You don't have the right to take a person's bottom away from them."

This is so true ......Everyones bottom is different and some are worse then others , but it's still theirs .....Both of My parents are alcoholics ..Neither drink at this time ..But it was very painful to watch and be around growing up ....

sylvie · 09-23-2010, 05:37 PM

you know the thought to find books hasnt even crossed my mind lately.. someone suggested to me a bit ago, but with the chaos of him going in the hospital etc, it slipped my mind..

i love reading, it's something i make time for often, even on work breaks.. thank you for reminding me, i will do exactly that!

03-31-2010, 05:44 AM	#1
morningstar55 Senior Member How Do You Identify?: femme,she Preferred Pronoun?: she,her, Relationship Status: very single Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: western NY Posts: 3,809 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,280 Thanked 4,240 Times in 1,845 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	my sister and her husband are/were alcoholic's i say were cause....... i loss my sister from it 2 and half yrs ago.... and wow seems like it hasnt been that long.... i miss her so much. they have a son.... he is in the reserves.....and doing well and in college. i hope he doesnt fall in that same crack. hope you can get the help you and your dad need at this time. keeping you in my thoughts.. and positive energy. __________________ -------------------------------------------- life is to short to wake up in the morning with regrets so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who dont, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance take it... if it changes your life let it.

03-31-2010, 10:10 AM	#6
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,903 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	Al Anon is everything they say it is. Its a life's tool to keep yourself from staying insane from the alcoholic's misery. It will teach you how to love your alcoholic differently. And that difference is distinct ...because it sacrifices nothing of you. You get to stay intact. But you still get to love the alcoholic. You dad knows what to do if he needs help. He choses not to. Now this is between him and his Higher Power. Step out of its way. Let God do what you cannot...you are not who can save him...only his God can, whatever God is to him as he understands it. AA got me sober. But I learned all about myself and people thru Al Anon. I feel it was the icing on the cake for me... I am so sorry your father is so bad off. And that you are so "trapped". Literally, alcoholics take family members "hostage", emotionally and sometimes physically if you are also their physical caretaker. Get yourself to an Al Anon meeting... and eventually get yourself into an ACoA meeting..Adult CHildren of Alcholics. I wept thru my first few meetings. It made the insanity real for me. Once validated, I could work on myself. I had so many behaviors and thoughts that were tied to being an ACoA.... but first..Al Anon...good luck... __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

03-31-2010, 12:53 PM	#7
sylvie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Mr Mtn's babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: girly, she Relationship Status: fiercely protected ♥ Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Moving home in OR with Him VERY soooon !! Posts: 2,548 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,834 Thanked 7,501 Times in 1,850 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	wow, thank you... all of you.. this thread has really helped me gain an understanding.. moreso of myself and what i need to do, for me.. and that i really have no control over the rest. i knew i couldn't (and shouldn't try) to save him. but i've never really thought of it all in the sense he needs to hit bottom and doing what we do may be preventing that. i really do appreciate each of you taking time to share your thoughts, experiences and support in this.. for your encouragement.. i made the call today and got the number i needed, called it and left a message for someone to contact me.. hopefully, i will have my first meeting lined up very soon. i'm nervous, but i know this is needed.. i was hoping my stepmother would do it as well, but she has no interest. i really did it, i got my foot in the door and it's just a matter of time now..time to breathe.. warm hugz __________________ my Mantra: i am letting go of angers, continuing to find forgiveness, welcoming inner peace & deserving of it all. my facebook weight loss page: http://www.facebook.com/asyllyjourney

03-31-2010, 01:05 PM	#8
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,903 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	the first time I went to an Al Anon meeting I walked in and leaned up against the doorway and looked in... up until that point, mind you, I had been sitting out in the car, growling how unfair it was that I had to go to a meeting for HER problem. And I didnt want a bunch of people who didnt even understand alcoholism (remember, I am an alcoholic too) try to tell me how to make her behave herself. I also didnt want them to look down on me because I was an alcoholic, too. So I felt a chip on my shoulder forming.... so when I walked in and leaned up against the doorway, this is what I saw: happy people. Not miserable, whining, two faced, controlling people... I saw Happy People...laughing, hugging each other, sharing good news, holding onto someone who was obviously distressed, busy members getting the place ready for the meeting and people making coffee and putting out cookies... happy people. Not tormented, miserable, fearful, angry people. Happy People... even the one who was clearly distressed was in the loving arms of people who were smiling and being encouraging... I forgot what Happy People looked like!! So, my advice stands. Go. Be amongst the Happy People. Someday you could be one too... __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

09-23-2010, 05:37 PM	#10
sylvie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Mr Mtn's babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: girly, she Relationship Status: fiercely protected ♥ Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Moving home in OR with Him VERY soooon !! Posts: 2,548 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,834 Thanked 7,501 Times in 1,850 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	you know the thought to find books hasnt even crossed my mind lately.. someone suggested to me a bit ago, but with the chaos of him going in the hospital etc, it slipped my mind.. i love reading, it's something i make time for often, even on work breaks.. thank you for reminding me, i will do exactly that! __________________ my Mantra: i am letting go of angers, continuing to find forgiveness, welcoming inner peace & deserving of it all. my facebook weight loss page: http://www.facebook.com/asyllyjourney

03-31-2010, 09:17 AM	#4
adorable Member How Do You Identify?: Sarcastically Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Home of the Yankee's Posts: 752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,708 Thanked 2,644 Times in 590 Posts Rep Power: 12725119	I grew up with alcoholics everywhere in my family. It effects how and what you think forever. I tended then, as now, to be a fixer. I was the one who handled things. I picked up pieces and put them back together. The problem is - they didn't appreciate it then. (People don't appreciate it now either lol because I tend to pick people who just can't. Ah, the sick and twisted tapes.) I stopped speaking to my mother years ago because she is abusive and unsafe. I didn't have a choice growing up. As an adult I do have choices. I still don't always make the right ones. It's hard when you grow up in chaos to know who, what and when to trust or believe. One thing that I heard though, and this is truth so read it over and over again, "You don't have the right to take a person's bottom away from them." In order for a person to hit bottom which is the only hope of them ever getting sober everyone needs to stop enabling. All of it. It happens naturally sometimes because they tend to piss people off and so the people close to them eventually walk away. It's hard enough to do when you are in a relationship with someone. When you have been raised by the person to do exactly what you are doing - that imo - is much more difficult. Years of programming isn't undone overnight. It helped me to realize that in enabling them I am taking away the very thing that might actually save their life. We didn't cause it, we can't control it and it will never make sense. Definately go to Alanon as other people suggested.

09-23-2010, 05:33 PM	#9
Billy Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Billy~ Preferred Pronoun?: Mr Princess ~ Relationship Status: Married April 20 2013 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Nashville TN Posts: 1,730 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,059 Thanked 3,871 Times in 1,053 Posts Rep Power: 20503085	[quote=adorable;76288] *One thing that I heard though, and this is truth* so read it over and over again, "You don't have the right to take a person's bottom away from them."** This is so true ......Everyones bottom is different and some are worse then others , but it's still theirs .....Both of My parents are alcoholics ..Neither drink at this time ..But it was very painful to watch and be around growing up ....