advice plz - my father's alcoholism

[adorable]

I grew up with alcoholics everywhere in my family. It effects how and what you think forever. I tended then, as now, to be a fixer. I was the one who handled things. I picked up pieces and put them back together. The problem is - they didn't appreciate it then. (People don't appreciate it now either lol because I tend to pick people who just can't. Ah, the sick and twisted tapes.) I stopped speaking to my mother years ago because she is abusive and unsafe. I didn't have a choice growing up. As an adult I do have choices. I still don't always make the right ones. It's hard when you grow up in chaos to know who, what and when to trust or believe.

One thing that I heard though, and this is truth so read it over and over again, "You don't have the right to take a person's bottom away from them."

In order for a person to hit bottom which is the only hope of them ever getting sober everyone needs to stop enabling. All of it. It happens naturally sometimes because they tend to piss people off and so the people close to them eventually walk away. It's hard enough to do when you are in a relationship with someone. When you have been raised by the person to do exactly what you are doing - that imo - is much more difficult. Years of programming isn't undone overnight. It helped me to realize that in enabling them I am taking away the very thing that might actually save their life.

We didn't cause it, we can't control it and it will never make sense. Definately go to Alanon as other people suggested.

[apretty]

Originally Posted by adorable

One thing that I heard though, and this is truth so read it over and over again, "You don't have the right to take a person's bottom away from them."

i love this!

[Soft*Silver]

Al Anon is everything they say it is. Its a life's tool to keep yourself from staying insane from the alcoholic's misery. It will teach you how to love your alcoholic differently. And that difference is distinct ...because it sacrifices nothing of you. You get to stay intact. But you still get to love the alcoholic.

You dad knows what to do if he needs help. He choses not to. Now this is between him and his Higher Power. Step out of its way. Let God do what you cannot...you are not who can save him...only his God can, whatever God is to him as he understands it.

AA got me sober. But I learned all about myself and people thru Al Anon. I feel it was the icing on the cake for me...

I am so sorry your father is so bad off. And that you are so "trapped". Literally, alcoholics take family members "hostage", emotionally and sometimes physically if you are also their physical caretaker. Get yourself to an Al Anon meeting...

and eventually get yourself into an ACoA meeting..Adult CHildren of Alcholics. I wept thru my first few meetings. It made the insanity real for me. Once validated, I could work on myself. I had so many behaviors and thoughts that were tied to being an ACoA....

but first..Al Anon...good luck...

[sylvie]

wow, thank you... all of you..
this thread has really helped me gain an understanding.. moreso of myself and what i need to do, for me.. and that i really have no control over the rest. i knew i couldn't (and shouldn't try) to save him. but i've never really thought of it all in the sense he needs to hit bottom and doing what we do may be preventing that.

i really do appreciate each of you taking time to share your thoughts, experiences and support in this.. for your encouragement..

i made the call today and got the number i needed, called it and left a message for someone to contact me.. hopefully, i will have my first meeting lined up very soon.

i'm nervous, but i know this is needed.. i was hoping my stepmother would do it as well, but she has no interest.
i really did it, i got my foot in the door and it's just a matter of time now..time to breathe..

*warm hugz*

[Soft*Silver]

the first time I went to an Al Anon meeting I walked in and leaned up against the doorway and looked in...

up until that point, mind you, I had been sitting out in the car, growling how unfair it was that *I* had to go to a meeting for HER problem. And I didnt want a bunch of people who didnt even understand alcoholism (remember, I am an alcoholic too) try to tell me how to make her behave herself. I also didnt want them to look down on me because I was an alcoholic, too. So I felt a chip on my shoulder forming....

so when I walked in and leaned up against the doorway, this is what I saw:

happy people.

Not miserable, whining, two faced, controlling people...

I saw Happy People...laughing, hugging each other, sharing good news, holding onto someone who was obviously distressed, busy members getting the place ready for the meeting and people making coffee and putting out cookies...

happy people. Not tormented, miserable, fearful, angry people. Happy People...

even the one who was clearly distressed was in the loving arms of people who were smiling and being encouraging...

I forgot what Happy People looked like!!

So, my advice stands. Go. Be amongst the Happy People. Someday you could be one too...

[sylvie]

wow, that's actually very encouraging.. helps me to want to do this so much more.

i really love the idea, of being with happy people. as i mentioned in a previous post, i dont have a lot of positive people in my family, they're very pushy, narrow minded and angry people.. i have disassociated myself from most of them, because i feel that life is just too short to deal with so much negativity - i live my life being 'me' , with my 2 loving, fantastic children who make my days full of smiles.. negativity pushes me back steps, i try to stay focused on 'forward'.. anyway, i won't go into all of that because that's a whole other situation LOL, and honestly one i don't stress over anymore.

but happiness, a sense of understanding, and most definitely i need to learn tough love.. i'm such a pushover kind of person, i don't really stand up for myself or stand up to others.. and when it comes to helping others, i really throw myself into that because it makes me feel good, but what i've come to realize in all of this is that it's not always a good thing.. or let me rephrase, the help that he needs which is tough love.

so i think this is the first day of what could be a form of healing, of some sort. recognizing the problem, taking steps i need to take no matter how hard those steps may be.. doing what's right for my papa.. for the first time, i feel as though i'm looking forward to going.. (yes, still very nervous though, lol)

i've still not heard back from anyone, if i dont in the next couple of days, i'll call again!

[Soft*Silver]

dont wait a couple days. Call again tomorrow. If you cant go to al anon, find an AA lead meeting, go to it. Walk up to anyone and everyone and ask if there are any people who go to Al Anon in the meeting. Seriously....they will introduce you to them

Some time after that first Al Anon meeting, I had a melt down with my ex who was using (way back 1991) I was too late to go to an AA meeting that night..but I knew what restaurant people went to after the meeting (the meeting after the meeting). I drove my unhappy ass over there...walked in..walked up to someone I had met at the Al Anon meeting and in a terrified, angry, damn near hysterical voice, I said I needed to talk to someone from Al Anon...she pushed out a chair and we sat and talked while we ate her french fried.

By the time I was done, she was my sponsor, I knew of which Al Anon meetings we were going to hit that week, and I had some tools to help myself at home with....

[Billy]

[quote=adorable;76288]
One thing that I heard though, and this is truth so read it over and over again, "You don't have the right to take a person's bottom away from them."



This is so true ......Everyones bottom is different and some are worse then others , but it's still theirs .....Both of My parents are alcoholics ..Neither drink at this time ..But it was very painful to watch and be around growing up ....

[sylvie]

you know the thought to find books hasnt even crossed my mind lately.. someone suggested to me a bit ago, but with the chaos of him going in the hospital etc, it slipped my mind..

i love reading, it's something i make time for often, even on work breaks.. thank you for reminding me, i will do exactly that!