Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by Vivacious1

I think this is an interesting thread. For myself, I don't thing the changes in preferences for my partner's is settling or adjusting to reality, I think it is me maturing. I can honestly say that I have been with partners that I felt were my "ideal" in one way or the other. Whether it be looks, financial stability, security etc... I believe that we have each of our partner's for a reason, if we are wise we will learn something from each of them and keep our regrets to a minimum. I certainly have made my mistakes, but without those I would not have learned to be the woman that I am and I certainly would not have the ability to make the right decisions for my future.
I don't have a list any longer, it is either right or wrong, there is no in between.

I think I am in the same place in life. I once wanted someone to be absolutely perfect or absolutely perfect for me, which meant the same thing. Does this 'soul mate' exist? For me, it has been yes and no. No one is going to meet my every want/need/desire/dream. And honestly, I'm not sure I want them to. I honor and value my own evolution as a person. I also believe strongly in valuing my partner's evolution. So, what are qualities that seem at first to be negatives or undesired traits, I would not necessarily peg as deal-breakers anymore. My deal-breakers are my only list now. I am a very different woman than I was 20 years ago. I hope to be different 20 year from now. Who would have knocked my socks off at 20 is not who knocks my socks off now. So, I have learned to be more fluid in my expectations. Does this mean I settle? Maybe. But, I think only if I feel I am settling.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

I think I am in the same place in life. I once wanted someone to be absolutely perfect or absolutely perfect for me, which meant the same thing. Does this 'soul mate' exist? For me, it has been yes and no. No one is going to meet my every want/need/desire/dream. And honestly, I'm not sure I want them to. I honor and value my own evolution as a person. I also believe strongly in valuing my partner's evolution. So, what are qualities that seem at first to be negatives or undesired traits, I would not necessarily peg as deal-breakers anymore. My deal-breakers are my only list now. I am a very different woman than I was 20 years ago. I hope to be different 20 year from now. Who would have knocked my socks off at 20 is not who knocks my socks off now. So, I have learned to be more fluid in my expectations. Does this mean I settle? Maybe. But, I think only if I feel I am settling.

Love your comments! The word settling is such loaded word..what is wrong with settling for the right reasons? I think it is very rare to find the someone who has all our bells and whistles and oftentimes the person we choose who we think has all the important ones we find is not what we needed most..or wanted for that matter. Earth life tends to be lead in the fast lane and we subject ourselves to many things which are not necessarily good for us and it is only through the universe showing us, "is this what you wanted?" we realize "No! not like that!" There is a saying about that we are always learning but not necessarily learning from it and tend to repeat the same mistakes. I've seen it often. It's not wrong, everything here gives us experience to understand (and bring) the meaning to our lives and what will give us ultimately....(at some point, hopefully)..a measure of happiness.

[Cin]

I never had a list and I doubt I ever will. There are way too many variables and unknowns for me to believe I know what I do and don't want. Something intolerable in one person seems perfectly acceptable in another because of some unfathomable and unpredictable mixture of aspects and factors, not to mention degree.

For example suppose on my hypothetical list I have that the person I will entertain as a suitable partner must be kind and easy to get along with. I meet a hypothetical someone who is kind and easy going, someone who goes with the flow and isn't always struggling against others. Then I discover that it is not so much that she is kind or even easy going as it is that she avoids conflict. She would prefer not to argue to the extent that she does not get what she wants and then she is frustrated but unable to express it. This sometimes results in her displeasure coming out sideways and as a result she can be occasionally passive aggressive. She would also like it if I were telepathic. I discover that easy going is not so easy after all and she requires my help in expressing her needs and wants. Depending on the rest of our relationship and other extenuating circumstances I might be willing to help her with this. Perhaps it would be worth it to me to stay in the relationship but perhaps it would not. But either way it's difficult to interpret other people's qualities as positive or negative and even harder to categorize their attributes.

I like M Scott Peck's definition of love as being the willingness to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. So for me lists would probably give way to love. That is probably the most important ingredient in my relationship choices. How loving are our interactions? Love and compassion go a long way in overcoming those inevitable obstacles.

The difference for me today is that when I was younger I wasn't aware that other people had lists. Now I know they do and the only thing on my list is that the person I am interested in doesn't have one. For me I would be worried that I wouldn't measure up and always wondering if the person had to settle. I want to be someone's choice not something to be settled for.

Luckily for me none of this is an issue since I am very happily married to a woman who seems as though she was made especially and specifically for me.

[job]

Exactly what Miss Tick said.

Also, as I have gotten older I care less about being with someone. So, if I even suspect I'll be happier alone....I'm good. Any interest is gone.

[BullDog]

Well, I posted in this thread in 2011 and stand by what I said then. I've never had a list beyond someone who is honest, kind, good sense of humor, intelligent and femme. Bonus points if she loves the arts and is politically minded to some extent. Sharing the same values about the importance of our relationship and enjoying living the same kind of life are key too. Someone I can laugh with constantly and someone who loves my quirks instead of just putting up with them, and I hers.

That said, I do believe it is possible for one person to meet all my bells, whistles and fireworks because I have found her. I couldn't have dreamed her up if I tried or measured her against some sort of list of qualifications. It's big things, quirky things and lots of other things in between. It's a combination of how our individual qualities and characteristics play off of one another. In some ways we are eerily similar and in other ways we are very different yet complementary. I couldn't have anticipated all of that ahead of time. And the consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship is there too based on our communication and because we want to live the same kind of life and have the same kind of relationship. It may be sheer luck that we even found each other, but yes it is possible.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've taken the word "list of requirements" to mean "boundaries and knowing what you need and can't take in a relationship."

If someone didn't have a list of boundaries and needs I wouldn't go near them with someone else's barge pole.

Or am I misunderstanding the term "list"

[imperfect_cupcake]

Violette, your words resonate best with me.

I think the understanding of the difference between a want and a need in a relationship it kind of what Kobi is talking about.

Perhaps Kobi meant by bells and whistles, those things that are wants, not needs.

I know the difference. My list of needs is not short. Mainly because I have dated, been sex friends with, had committed relationships with a fair many people in my sexually active period of 14-46. That's 32 years. I wasn't very discriminatory with people in affairs of the heart (casual sex? Very discriminatory. But it's a different criteria). Whomever got my heart butterflies going, I'd accept. I didn't know any different. There was a whole world to love.

Now I know better. I have a list of needs. And they *do* have to be met. Or I will become sick, depressed, unhappy and non-functional. The wants are all things that would be nice but don't affect my mental health and well being and therefore aren't necessary. Like, I'm a total geek/nerd, I would love it if someone was too. But it's not vital. What it vital is that they are willing to come along to museums and galleries and learn with me.
I HATE team sports and fishing. sitting and watching a game on tv with someone is like asking me to watch paint dry. But I'm happy to go to a baseball/hockey game with them if they buy me hot dogs and teach me. Or turn the TV game into a kinky sex game.

I'm just never going to go fishing with someone on a little boat. Ever. For some people, that's a need. Just like for others with a deep enjoyment of ball room dancing, they need someone who wants to be their partner in dance and is willing to learn at least some steps.

I think understanding the difference between a want and a need is kind of what is being asked?

[storyspinner70]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I've taken the word "list of requirements" to mean "boundaries and knowing what you need and can't take in a relationship."

If someone didn't have a list of boundaries and needs I wouldn't go near them with someone else's barge pole.

Or am I misunderstanding the term "list"

That really depends on the person, I think. I took it as those people who have actual limiting lists of mostly wants but even some needs. I have a friend, for example, who won't even consider short men. Ever. That's the kind of thing I think of.

Everyone has preferences. Everyone has the things they like. But to me, if you aren't open to people - even those that are different than what you want - and yes, even to some degree, what you think you need - then you're missing out on a an entire spectrum of people that could be some of the greatest joy in your life.

Should you know what you want and need? Most definitely. Should it be so finite and set in stone that you won't consider someone because they don't meet every single one of them? No. Maybe not even the majority of them, frankly. People are all different. And I've never believed in a soul mate - that perfect other half. I believe in the flaws of people. I believe in the realism of love. I believe it's messy and ugly sometimes. I believe it's always worth it.

My butch, for example, is horrible at giving me attention, and let me tell you, I can be a needy bitch. It's one of the main things I need. So, I have to ask her for it. So I have to tell her to pay attention to me when I need it. It's annoying sometimes. It's frustrating. Everything else she does for me makes up for that. So do I miss out on everything about her because she doesn't meet one of my major needs? No. I don't. I adjust. She adjusts. We live happy - we fight and we want to kill each other sometimes - but we live happy. And that's the thing - your happiness. That's what matters. If you happen to find it with someone you never thought you would then awesome!

So, to me, the only thing that should ever be set in stone is the horrible things you won't take - abuse, real neglect, cheating if that's a no no for you, etc. Everything else is a potential block to your happiness.

I say, for example, that I'd never date anyone with a horrible voice. That's just as bad. If my butch sounded like a squeaky toy I'd have missed out on almost four years of joy, and that would really have been a shame.