Too much honesty?

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I got this thread topic idea from another thread I'm participating in.

You often hear, "Honesty is the best policy" but is it really? Is there a such thing as too much honesty in a relationship?

Here's where I'm coming from:

I'm a person with Asperger's syndrome. Since childhood, I've always been incredibly blunt and I never quite understood the concept of "time and place". If something is wrong, I point it out and try to "fix" it right away before it festers like an open sore. That's the core of who I am. Now, having said that, I've learned recently about this thing called "gesturing". That, in order to be in a successful relationship there has to be a lot of what I consider a "special type of lying" in order to maintain that relationship.

For example:

• Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong?
• Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?
• Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?
• Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?
• Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?

These are sensitive topics for people in committed relationships and I've only found, through trial and error, that sometimes it is considered "best" to tell white lies about these things and avoid honesty to keep the relationship in smooth-sailing waters.

Since I know most people who will respond to this thread have neurotypically-wired brains, I don't expect that posters will see things the way I see them (black and white) but I'm very curious about the overall idea of gesturing and how it is used (or if it is used) in your relationship.

Are you completely blunt and honest with each other all of the time? Is there a time when being too honest might seriously damage the relationship? Or do you think letting too many things "go" in a relationship will end up in a serious blow-up or break-up?

Where do you, personally, draw the line?

I love this thread; it's a great topic.

I am blunt at times also, without realizing so until it's too late. I also am a 'fixer' by nature and want to address things before they fester. My partner thinks this is overrated and unnecessary. Her favorite response is, "If it's not broken, it doesn't need fixing."

• Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong? I always apologize for my part in the argument, whatever that may be, even if I am right about the argument topic. It takes 2 to argue. I love being right. But, I love learning more. I don't apologize for repeatedly bringing up a topic that we eventually argue over if it's something important to me or to the relationship.
  
  
• Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked? I don't deny it when I was momentarily paying attention to something else at the expense of ignoring her. I do not even consider others in a romantic way, so that's not an issue for me. If someone catches her eye, I don't want to know.
  
  
• Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest? I don't fake it. If something was not okay to me or not as thrilling for me, I will at a later time bring up the topic to discuss. I don't fake orgasms or fake being turned on or tuned in.
  
  
• Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it? Everyone has morning breath or not so fresh breath after eating some things (garlic, etc.). I don't share my distaste for that. We are human. Body odor is hard to ignore for me. But, I don't seem to have that issue with my partner. In past relationships, I never said anything either, but it was not chronic.
  
  
• Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it? I respect my partner's choice in friends, even if I would not choose them for myself. I would never mention my dislike of her friend unless it was a matter of her getting hurt or something unethical happening. But, I can't imagine this would ever be the case.

I would say she is more honest in that she says pretty much what she thinks uncensored. I censor what I say to deliver it as best I can. I am not always successful at that, especially if I have not had time to think on it before I say something. I think total and unabashed honesty is unnecessary and harmful to a positive relationship. There is a grey area or middle ground where you address what is important and accept those things not so important, as blush mentioned. It's determining where issues lie on that spectrum that is so difficult, for me.