Too much honesty?

[Breathless]

add to the above, cause I couldnt edit.. lol

Sex is like cooking. If you tell me you like it, really like it, you are going to have it every second sunday for the next 50 years.. might as well be honest right up front. I don't fake it, can't really. I will tell you, at the moment, 'Can you do that, or this... ' After the fact, I will even point out, when you did that.. that really rocked my world.. or that really didn't work for me, and be open to discuss further. Everyone likes it a little different, everyone has different experiences and different skill levels, if you don't communicate what you like and don't like, you are setting yourself and your partner up for failure.
People sometimes forget that the negatives are focused on, and a balance of positive needs to be inplace too. 'Those jeans you wore last night, well we almost didnt make it out last night .. *winks*'

In my opinion, in good relationships people talk with one another, in great relationships they communicate, the good the bad and the inbetweens, that is where the bonds are built, structure built on lies, half truths, is like a house of cards.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Wow! These are all such great responses. I think, in my own personal experience, I have dated very sensitive people who get offended quite easily. On the other hand, I am one of these same people. Because of my own communication issues and social confusion, I've very often gotten into arguments where it felt as though I was dropped off a cliff and straight into the action. I don't even know how they started or what I did to provoke it! Such is the pitfalls of again, being in relationships with those who are quick to be hurt and/or flare in anger.

I think, as others have said, it truly does depend on the partnership. Some people thrive on bluntness while others are more tactful or may even choose to avoid conflict. I think the key is finding someone whose communication style meshes well with yours. A very sensitive soul is probably not going to do well being in a relationship with somebody who is quick and blunt in their observations. On the other hand, there are other people out there who actually need to be hit over the head with a brick. Definitely to each their own.

These responses have also helped me to see that have never enjoyed healthy, respectful communication in a romantic relationship. Sad, but good to know that this is a possibility in the future. Since my last relationship, which was quite verbally abusive, I've set my expectations a lot higher as I have a greater respect for myself.

Great conversation!

When did 'sensitive' become such a perjorative?

[puddin']

i neva thought it did, or should be pejorative. honest is honest. bring it on, but be respectful as you say it... no need to be intentionally hurtful.

[blush]

Originally Posted by Daktari

When did 'sensitive' become such a perjorative?

About the time it became a synonym for weak or hysterical. Rarely is the word sensitive used in a neutral way. Context is everything, and I'm sure we can cough up examples of it being a compliment. It is usually (especially on the context of this conversation), leveled at people to excuse bad behavior. As in: "you're too sensitive, all I said was you look like elephant riding a bike! C'mon! That's funny!"

It places the responsibility of being "too sensitive" on the offended. The responsibility is on the offender for being "too much of a tool."

[Dude]

Honesty is hard, sometimes awkward and many times embarrassing
but I give it and want it.

I have learned to say things like , I liked your hair better before

I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about
passive aggressive behaviour and how to not get sucked into it myself ,
with a few co workers.
What I have read is it is also a form of dishonesty.
If people cant be honest with themselves about how they are
feeling and why , they sure as hell ain't gonna be honest with you.
The only healthy option is to disengage and not get caught up in the crazy making.

I told myself , I was stinky today. Stress sweat is way stinkier
The people who tell me I've got grease on my face or my zipper
is down are all keepers. The people who let me walk around like
that all fucking day , not so much.
Boogers are a part of life too and I want to know about them if one should come a creepin ( sure as shit , you know they will , somehow , someway , someday)
I have one friend at work who asks me if any bats are coming out of his cave.
I don't like looking but he knows I wont lie and I like that.

I am sensitive. I think the good parts of me would not be there, if I was not.
I've had people keep the truth from me , deciding for me whether
I could handle it or not. If you want to insult me to the core , do this.
That is a form of codependency (control) and not welcomed in my world.
If you deserve the truth , so do I.

I could not be with someone who did not appreciate attractive people.
You have to have trust to do that comfortably.
Trust comes from honesty on every level , at least for me.
Never is there too much honesty but kindness in the delivery are huge to the outcome.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by blush

About the time it became a synonym for weak or hysterical. Rarely is the word sensitive used in a neutral way. Context is everything, and I'm sure we can cough up examples of it being a compliment. It is usually (especially on the context of this conversation), leveled at people to excuse bad behavior. As in: "you're too sensitive, all I said was you look like elephant riding a bike! C'mon! That's funny!"

It places the responsibility of being "too sensitive" on the offended. The responsibility is on the offender for being "too much of a tool."

*laughs* You make a good point. I can only speak for myself but I use the word "sensitive" in this particular context, I mean someone who has a past history of being abused (in childhood particularly) and is therefore hard-wired to take what might be perceived as gentle criticisms or generic observations of behavior as an onslaught or attack.

I am in no way criticising anyone who falls into this category as I fall into it myself. I used to be an incredibly defensive person who reacted to a slight practically before it even occurred. It took me time to realize that not everybody on the planet was out to hurt me but it was I who had to do the hard work and make changes. Nobody else could have done that for me.

I just find, for me, I am not emotionally compatible with people who are that much like me in that respect. After seriously dating two people who were both sensitive and reactionary in this way, I discovered I need a different dynamic. Someone who is more calm and easy-going to balance out my anxious, fiery nature. Two anxious and easily-triggered people can have a difficult time staying together because even minor arguments or disagreements can quickly escalate into flashbacks to the past.

When in a relationship of this kind, it can get to the point where one or both parties are simply holding their breath and walking on eggshells all the time. Forget honesty, you don't even know if you can exhale. This is incredibly unhealthy.

Can anyone else relate?

[Sun]

Originally Posted by blush

About the time it became a synonym for weak or hysterical. Rarely is the word sensitive used in a neutral way. Context is everything, and I'm sure we can cough up examples of it being a compliment. It is usually (especially on the context of this conversation), leveled at people to excuse bad behavior. As in: "you're too sensitive, all I said was you look like elephant riding a bike! C'mon! That's funny!"

It places the responsibility of being "too sensitive" on the offended. The responsibility is on the offender for being "too much of a tool."

Context is everything for sure. When I used the term "highly sensitive person" I was referring to the psychological profile HSP. I have experienced the HSP in a long term partner and in discussion regarding personality types. There is a book called "The Highly Sensitive Person" that helped me to understand my long term partner who self identified as HSP. One trait of the HSP that I experienced is that she was "easily overwhelmed" by things that may not bother some other people such as violent television programming, graphic images of violence, someone yelling, humankind's general inhumanity toward humankind or cruelty toward animals.

This ex partner is a very gentle, kind, loving soul. There were times when she took feedback very badly even when delivered in a gentle kind way. I am not referring to feedback that came from me about any of the subjects that were listed in the OP but feedback from parents, co workers, classmates. Perhaps to say that there is an emotionally fragile aspect to her would be a good way of putting it. That very kind, gentle soul is very lovely and very much introverted. When I read the book The Highly Sensitive Person, and discussed this with a few friends, they too read the book and said that they could relate to many traits. In this forum, I was not clear that HSP may not be a term that is readily used or understood. My error.

So..the word "sensitive" is not for me a synonym for weak or hysterical and never have I personally told anyone that they were being "too sensitive". Everyone is different and when feedback is given in a romantic relationship (meaning a relationship where two people have agreed that they are together in a relationship and are working toward the health of that relationship) it is still my opinion that delivery is everything.

Anyone who really knows me would say that I am sensitive. I think that this has its positive and negative aspects. That is fine with me. When it comes to the health and welfare of innocent animals or children who can not defend themselves my level of sensitivity goes up. That is just a part of who I am and I am ok with that. Insensitive cruel mean spirited people do not last long in my realm.

[blush]

Just to be clear, I wasn't calling out other posters who mentioned "sensitivity" in their posts. It's a tricky word, and we all come to it with different schema.

I can be passive aggressive, but not THAT passive aggressive.

[Sun]

Originally Posted by blush

Just to be clear, I wasn't calling out other posters who mentioned "sensitivity" in their posts. It's a tricky word, and we all come to it with different schema.

I can be passive aggressive, but not THAT passive aggressive.

It is a tricky word and with so many ways of defining it, it is probably good to discuss it

I appreciate your perspective.

[Miss Scarlett]

Honesty should always be respectful but there are times when you just have to be blunt...i.e. if the other party just doesn't seem to be getting the message. I run into this all the time at work and have found that it's usually because the client has an unrealistic notion stuck in their head.

It's possible to be blunt without being rude. Not that I am condoning rudeness but there are times when that's all you've got left. And it is possible to do this without being intentionally hurtful or hateful...how the other party interprets your words is up to them. There's never any justifiable reason (at least for me) to be mean.

Something I've learned over the years...first and foremost, you have to be honest with yourself. Not always pleasant but necessary.

[Jean_TX]

Interesting topic. My responses:

Arguments - Do you apologize when you know you're not wrong?

Whether or not I apologize for something is situational:

I will not apologize for who I am, even though I might agree that my trait which is being criticized is a 'fault'.

I will apologize for my actions if those actions (regardless of whether I think they were right or wrong) hurt my partner.

If the argument deals with a difference in non-critical preferences or choices, I am likely to apologize. I have found that the satisfaction of 'being right' in minor disputes is rarely worth the wounds inflicted on a relationship.

In general, I will apologize for arguing at all - keeping the relationship intact is more important that 'saving face'.

Attraction - Do you deny that someone else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?

To me, it is disrespectful to my partner to let someone else "catch my eye". To prevent this from happening, I flip a switch in my brain so that I do not really 'see' other women who I encounter in person.

This 'switch' isn't operative when viewing women in the media, since my partner couldn't/shouldn't be threatened. In this case, I would not volunteer that I found someone attractive. I would admit it if asked, but I would certainly downplay the attraction.

Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?

I try to be honest, yet at the same time, sensitive to my partner's ego. If I make any comments at all, I try to provide positive guidance (e.g., "You know, something I really like is ...")

Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?

I will say something if the odor really bothers me, but I would be try to be sensitive (i.e., criticize the odor, not my partner).

Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?

If the friend tends to spend a lot of time with us, I would tell my partner. I would try to be as non-critical as possible and simply say something like "I just don't click with ...", or "I feel uncomfortable with...". That would allow my partner to still associate with her friend, and hopefully allow me to opt out of spending time with her friend.

[dixie]

Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong?
I'm one of those folks that apologizes all the time for anything and everything, whether I'm wrong or right, or whether or not it's even something that *I* should be apologizing for...i.e. "Awww you're grouchy today? I'm sorry." However...in an actual argument? I don't like arguing and my response method is to automatically go on the defensive. I will apologize genuinely but if it is ignored or the same thing brought up repeatedly I will not apologize again. Depending on how far blown the argument is, I won't apologize, come hell or high water, no matter if I'm right or wrong. I'm hella stubborn that way.

Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?
Pffffffft. What's the point in that? I'm easily distracted. *Ooh shiny!* If I see an attractive person, butch or femme, I will even point them out and ask if the person accompanying me also finds them attractive.

Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?
I have been known to fake things in the past, just to keep from hurting someone's feelings. Nowadays, I will not fake but instead will *gently* guide them. If they don't take a hint I will talk with them about it afterwards, in open discussion. If they still don't get it (or make no effort)...then they will not have another chance at it.

Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?
Yes I will say something, even if it's subtly offering them a mint or something. I would hope someone would do the same for me, as well as pointing out if my skirt is tucked into my tights!! lol

Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?
I have zero problem telling people what I think of them, their friends, or anyone else for that matter. Does that mean I would act rudely? No. I am polite to a fault, unless someone is rude to me. THEN politeness will not come so easily for me. If that is the case, I will not put myself in a situation to be around that person again.



I honestly don't think *sensitive* has anything to do with how a person is affected by honesty or the lack thereof. I am not a sensitive person by any means, yet there are times when I am affected in a sensitive manner by either lies or brutal honesty. It is all situational.

I also agree that negatives and positives must be balanced. I tend to be overly positive in my dealings with others yet overly negative in my views of myself. I need to find a way to balance that out. For myself relationship-wise, I am the type of person that too much negative actions/behaviors by the other person will put me off...completely. Also if they are negative in their dealings with me. I'm a Leo. I need a certain amount of positive attention and ego stroking myself, or things will not go so well lol. I prefer honesty in how people deal with me though, yet at times I almost prefer not knowing anything at all. Sometimes I would like to live in blissful ignorance. Once again, all situational. *shrug*

[Ciaran]

If I was totally honest all the time, then, irrespective of how sensitive I deliver the message, I'd very quickly get into trouble.


I wouldn't lie about big things or issues that are important to me (or to the other person) but, depending on the context etc, I will sometimes tell a white lie.


For example, if someone tells me that they've just got a new hairstyle, I'll likely tell them that it looks really nice - whether I think it does or not. It's just polite, inane conversation to me (I cannot do polite, inane conversation well as I don't like conversation for conversation's sake - I find it arduous) but, if i like or at least don't dislike the person, I'd likely tell them a white lie to avoid causing any offence.


Important or serious issues? I'll tell the truth - and, depending on the context, will be as blunt and upfront as is required to ensure that nothing gets lost in translation. When it's necessary, I deliver hard messages. I won't deliver it in a way that is deliberately framed to cause offence (unless I dislike the person) but, the potential of causing offence, isn't enough for me to stay silent or tell the person something that they want to hear if it's not the truth.

[Ginger]

Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong?

No. But I've learned to say things I mean, like "I'm sorry that you feel hurt."



Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?

No. If someone asks, I respect their apparent judgement that they can handle the answer. And if they can't handle the answer, I would rather know, so I can better assess whether that is someone I want to be with in the long run.



Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?

I would never, ever fake being satisfied. If there's a disconnect, how can it get better, without admitting it's there?



Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?

I would gently say something like, "I really want to kiss you, but do you think you could brush your teeth?" I've learned though that when a person's kid smells really bad or has wretched breath, it's best to keep it to yourself.



Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?

I don't do "grin and bear it" very well. If I don't like my partner's friend; I mean, he or she seems a decent sort, just not my cup of tea, I just don't hang out with them. I have my own friends and don't expect a partner's friends to be my friends or the other way around. Of course I am also flexible. If there is a special occasion, like if that friend has an important gathering my partner wants me to attend with her, of course I would do that.

[Sun]

Originally Posted by Breathless

add to the above, cause I couldnt edit.. lol

Sex is like cooking. If you tell me you like it, really like it, you are going to have it every second sunday for the next 50 years.. might as well be honest right up front. I don't fake it, can't really. I will tell you, at the moment, 'Can you do that, or this... ' After the fact, I will even point out, when you did that.. that really rocked my world.. or that really didn't work for me, and be open to discuss further. Everyone likes it a little different, everyone has different experiences and different skill levels, if you don't communicate what you like and don't like, you are setting yourself and your partner up for failure.
People sometimes forget that the negatives are focused on, and a balance of positive needs to be inplace too. 'Those jeans you wore last night, well we almost didnt make it out last night .. *winks*'

In my opinion, in good relationships people talk with one another, in great relationships they communicate, the good the bad and the inbetweens, that is where the bonds are built, structure built on lies, half truths, is like a house of cards.

Great reply. Love the "Sex is Like Cooking" piece.