Trust and Technology

[Angeltoes]

Lol this is ridiculous...why are people not allowed to set the parameters of their own relationships without being called names? Think about this, there may be people who read this thread but decided to say nothing because they agree with password sharing but did not feel like dealing with personal attacks. Of course, everyone is entitled to voice their opinion, it just seems highly ironic that on THIS website some people are so eager to put others in a good or bad box simply because they think differently. What is it to me if someone else wants to share passwords or wear mismatched socks or eat cheerios for dinner? It means nothing to me. I may giggle at the things you do but I'm not going to try to tear you down for them. That's such BS. IMO it's mostly about showcasing and trying to tell the world something about how much cooler we are than other people.

My question is this: is everyone in this thread here to have an honest dialogue or is this the thread where we're supposed to bag on people who think differently? Because that in itself is a really 'creepy' form of control that I try to stay away from.

[Ascot]

My feelings about this piggyback something I addressed in another thread and that is that I think we ought not only have a rich inner, privately held life, but should be encouraged to do so. Just in the way I feel each partner should have their own set of friends with whom they do things from time to time without the other. Call me nutty, but I like the idea of retaining a bit of mystery. If I'm feeling insecure, I'll address it. If you don't trust me I expect you tell me. I'm not concerned with your missives, and likely you won't care that occasionally I might visit Martha Stewart's site. No password exchange necessary; it's not going to happen and it's got not one iota to do with the idea that I might have anything to hide.

[Sun]

If I get a sense that someone is being dishonest with me, I am out. So there is never going to be a need for me to want a password or any such thing (to me that would be a violation of her privacy). It is awesome to have friends and I think it is great if the person that I am with has a healthy circle of friends. I have to have trust in a relationship or I have nothing.

If I am getting to know someone and she is jealous of my friends, I am out. For me, friends are a rich part of my life and there is no need for jealousy, if I am really into someone, she is all that I see.

Honesty is a wonderful thing. It would be amazing if everyone were honest in relationships. Especially if they are starting a new relationship and still have lets say a live in partner, husband or wife that they decide to not disclose to the person that they are getting to know. If a person feels the need to read their partners emails, text, or whatever, that for me signals a train wreck waiting to happen.

[Sun]

Originally Posted by Angeltoes

Of course, everyone is entitled to voice their opinion, it just seems highly ironic that on THIS website some people are so eager to put others in a good or bad box simply because they think differently.

This seems to imply a higher moral or ethical code is assumed for people on "THIS" website.

As for "highly ironic" I am not seeing an opposition to any literal meaning.

Ironic.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Angeltoes

I started to respond to this the other day and changed my mind because I knew my view would be different from the majority. Well here it is anyway. I don't understand why it is that we are so careful about judging others when it comes to certain choices like, say, D/g or D/s lifestyles but when it comes to other relationship choices it's perfectly fine to point our fingers and call it creepy. To be sure, I would not share my personal passwords to social networking sites. Sharing other personal info I have done and might do in the future if the situation called for it. I just find the judgments to be really unnecessary. If 2 or 3 or 20 people agree to something and it works for them, it's not my place to say it's wrong. Conservatives go around calling everything different 'creepy.' There is nothing creepy in a consensual relationship imo. It only becomes creepy when somebody is being victimized.

I don't think they are talking about the consensual choice to give up control but insecurity and trust issues. There is a dynamic you want to dial into and if it means giving up your privacy then its a choice. Plain and simple.

I am not a jealous person. I AM a controlling person. But I have no real desire to check up on someone or invade their privacy. I wouldn't want the same. In fact the moment someone suggest it or questions my intention I'm history. I just can't deal with jealousy and insecurity.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Angeltoes

Lol this is ridiculous...why are people not allowed to set the parameters of their own relationships without being called names? Think about this, there may be people who read this thread but decided to say nothing because they agree with password sharing but did not feel like dealing with personal attacks. Of course, everyone is entitled to voice their opinion, it just seems highly ironic that on THIS website some people are so eager to put others in a good or bad box simply because they think differently. What is it to me if someone else wants to share passwords or wear mismatched socks or eat cheerios for dinner? It means nothing to me. I may giggle at the things you do but I'm not going to try to tear you down for them. That's such BS. IMO it's mostly about showcasing and trying to tell the world something about how much cooler we are than other people.

My question is this: is everyone in this thread here to have an honest dialogue or is this the thread where we're supposed to bag on people who think differently? Because that in itself is a really 'creepy' form of control that I try to stay away from.

I don't see much in the way of personal attacks on this thread. It does seem that the general consensus on the thread is that most people wouldn't want a personal relationship that included sharing of personal passwords and, by definition, sharing of a partner's personal communication with others.


I, for one, wouldn't be involved in that type of relationship. That said, my own parameters for relationships tend to be very different to most on this site - it's just the way it goes. My "right" isn't necessarily "right" for others - but, equally, their "right" is usually very wrong for me. We'll all adults and, if people want relationships with this type of dynamic of sharing passwords and the like, so be it.


It's not about "conservatives" or such like. It's simply the expression of personal opinions. Unless I'm very much mistaken, that tends to be a valuable component of this site.

[worldwarZ]

im techno-impaired so no facebook or much of anything like that. dunno my gf's info although im sure she'd give it to me if i asked. think shared emails are kinda goin to an extreme. my gf does know my passwords to some stuff, such as my work website to check my schedule if she wants. i have no prob with that. i think to each their own. unfortunately we live in a world of shadiness and insecurity. everyones got a past that shapes those insecurities so if me givin my gf a password eases those concerns then im happy to do it. i think the line would be crossed in the cases where they really dont have any sorta trust. no separate anything. i dunno whats on my girl's fb acct. ive never even looked at it or wanted to. i dont think its strange as far as practical purposes. i think it becomes strange when its due to lack of trust.

[Sachita]

Call me judgmental or anything you want but in a relationship where you have each others passwords and feel the need to be that emerged in each others privacy then I foresee huge problems down the road. Personally I don't know anyone that really does this and I'd question the longevity of the relationship.

I have submissive's who feel they need to offer this to me. It's just not something that interest me. If I can't trust them then I show them the door.

[Library_girl]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

With online dating, I always always always google people. I don't google my friends or anything, but I always google someone before meeting in person, just as a precaution. The one time I didn't, I got my car stolen, and a lot worse could have happened if one of my friends hadn't taken the time to check someone out I was dating and run them off. Turns out this person had physically hurt one person and stolen tons of money from another. I was lucky to have a diligent, nosey friend, and now I never skip the googling step. I don't care if it's weird to someone, you have to take care of yourself when you don't know somebody!

Absolutely! I have Googled people before a date, I have even Googled myself to see what pops up! What the hell, right? (Someone once told me that she checked the Facebook pages of job applicants before she interviews them! I won't do that.) And I will even admit that before getting very serious with someone, I did a half-assed background check. It came back sparkling clean, and I told her about it later. She thought it was great. This is not a trust issue--this is a safety issue. Unfortunately, the world we live in, combined with our own past experiences, have created these fears. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm extreme for checking or Googling someone. If I need to feel safe and comfortable about a situation, and there are too many unknown factors, then I do what's necessary. I don't do it every time. And I'm not judgmental or exclusive. If there is something that's a concern or a "red flag", then I'm cautious, thats all. If there is someone who is an escaped serial killer, then, well......probably not going on that date.

[Angeltoes]

Ciaran, Really you haven't seen personal attacks? The OP implied that this password sharing is completely consensual. Calling people who think differently creepy micro-managers sounds pretty personal to me. I didn't take issue with your post and I wouldn't share my password either. That's not my point. It's more that before we go around saying 'ew' to how other people live we should think about the fact that most of the world is saying ew to us. It's a negative mindset. I think people should do whatever they want to do as long as everyone *involved* agrees...and yeah, opine away. It's easy enough to express opinions without putting people down.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Angeltoes

Ciarin, Really you haven't seen personal attacks? The OP implied that this password sharing is completely consensual. Calling people who think differently creepy micro-managers sounds pretty personal to me. I didn't take issue with your post and I wouldn't share my password either. That's not my point. It's more that before we go around saying 'ew' to how other people live we should think about the fact that most of the world is saying ew to us. It's a negative mindset. I think people should do whatever they want to do as long as everyone *involved* agrees.

Angeltoes


Genuinely, I haven't seen much in the way of personal attacks in this thread. Rather, there have been some critical posts regarding the practice of sharing online accounts and it's clear that most here don't intuitively perceive it as a positive attribute of a relationship.


Whether that's for reasons of trust or maintaining individuality in relationships, the reasons are valid - just as, I'm sure, someone who does share passwords and personal accounts can come on here and justify the practice - and they'd be welcome to. In fact, this type of thread can benefit from those whose positions are different from the majority view and they're prepared to articulate their minority position.


I don't think that terms such as "creepy" are, in themselves, problematic. Furthermore, at this stage, it all seems a bit hypothetical as (and I could be wrong as I have not re-read every post in detail) I don't think that anyone has come onto this site, advised that they engage in this activity and justified it from their perspective. If they did and there was to be a witch-hunt against them, I'd likely agree with you (even though, I, myself, view the practice as unhealthy).


I appreciate what you are saying about people should be able to do what they want if it's consensual. Within limits, I agree. That said, just because a practice may be consensual, doesn't necessarily mean it's healthy - although I appreciate that there's a subjective overlay to much of this.


Anyway, I've said enough on this topic. Bottom line is no one is getting my passwords and I don't want anyone's password either

[Angeltoes]

Yeah, I'm done with this topic too. I'm on a plane to see my honey in Texas. It's time to relax.

[kannon]

Personally, I don't have anything to hide from my partner, so I'll leave my apps(email, facebook) open. I wouldn't care if she had access to my private info. There are a few people who would abuse or misuse personal information, however most people are decent.

I would never ask for my partners passwords. If she gave me her personal info I would never use it to snoop.

For the individuals that need their partners password, maybe they've been violated or abused in the past. Maybe they are suffering with their own scars.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by Angeltoes

Ciaran, Really you haven't seen personal attacks? The OP implied that this password sharing is completely consensual. Calling people who think differently creepy micro-managers sounds pretty personal to me. I didn't take issue with your post and I wouldn't share my password either. That's not my point. It's more that before we go around saying 'ew' to how other people live we should think about the fact that most of the world is saying ew to us. It's a negative mindset. I think people should do whatever they want to do as long as everyone *involved* agrees...and yeah, opine away. It's easy enough to express opinions without putting people down.

I think Ciaran makes a valid point. This kind of accountability isn't going to be in a normal arrangement between two people in a relationship. Maybe if someone decides to use the word creepy, it's about the accountability issue, not necessarily delivering a judgement about the relationship.

Just speaking from personal experience let's just say that I've shared account information, cell phone access, and have it used in a way that was a betrayal of why I gave it to begin with. So, you see, if someone has said" I don''t think its cool", but not necessarily giving you personal information to validate their opinion, maybe you should be a little more generous and consider perhaps they have a reason to be very negative about an issue? I just think it's something you could consider.

[Girl_On_Fire]

The only thing I found creepy was someone had said something to the effect of watching someone bathe. It was a joke to imply stalkerish behavior. I found that scenario "creepy" in the context it was put in.

Yes, I did state that this password exchange would be consensual. I was curious to see if this was something a vast majority of people did or just a few people I knew or have heard of. To be a bit transparent, I, personally valuable my own personal space and don't like having my boundaries violated. I don't have a problem with leaving my computer open because, like another poster had said, I have nothing to hide but when I get questioned, it makes me crazy.

This, again, is a personal issue for me. I was questioned non-stop as a child because I have a developmental disorder that causes me to view and respond to the world in a different way and this caused chronic misunderstandings.

Because of this, I've developed an aversion to anything that could even be perceived as being spied on or questioned. I can almost over-share when it comes to offering information but I clamp up like a steel trap and stop breathing when somebody goes looking for it because it panics me. (Unfortunately, I've been told this also makes me look "guilty").

It did not help in the slightest that I was recently in a relationship with a very paranoid/suspicious person who questioned me on an almost daily basis. That and some other things I've encountered and read lately caused me to want to open this topic for discussion. I wanted to put it before a diverse and open-minded group of people to get honest answers.

If anything I wrote caused offense, I apologize. I genuinely wanted to start a dialogue and I think it's been a good one so far.

[kittygrrl]

I think the thread has a timely question and one worth pondering! ty for bringing it up

[Blade]

I know people who share social media accounts and passwords for emails and so on. I don't and wouldn't. If I have so little trust or so much jealousy over someone I probably don't need to be with them. I'm not known for being the jealous type anyway. To me these accounts are like a purse or a wallet. They are personal, the only reason I would go into a femme's purse is if she told me to and as a rule, I still hand it to her instead of going in it to get whatever she wants out of it.

This is something that I know goes on in relationships and if that is what you need from someone that is fine, it's not fine for me. I would need to move on.

[DapperButch]

Sharing each other's passwords and such has never been a consideration in any of my relationships. We are separate, independent people, not an enmeshed unit. For me, asking for my password(s), would be a red flag with someone new.

[ValentineTomboy]

If you don't have trust in a relationship, why even be in it? I don't need your passwords, I don't need to share a facebook or email account with you. Are we a couple? Yes we are but we are also individuals with separate identitys.

[kannon]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

I think Ciaran makes a valid point. This kind of accountability isn't going to be in a normal arrangement between two people in a relationship. Maybe if someone decides to use the word creepy, it's about the accountability issue, not necessarily delivering a judgement about the relationship.

Just speaking from personal experience let's just say that I've shared account information, cell phone access, and have it used in a way that was a betrayal of why I gave it to begin with. So, you see, if someone has said" I don''t think its cool", but not necessarily giving you personal information to validate their opinion, maybe you should be a little more generous and consider perhaps they have a reason to be very negative about an issue? I just think it's something you could consider.

\

You agreed with Ciaran's proclamation that "accountability" isn't a "normal" arrangement between two people. That's really a personal judgement and potentially psychologically damaging. Some people want accountability in a relationship and it is normal for them. We can't generalize this sentiment and label it as abnormal. Labeling can create a lot of psychological damage. It serves our community to choose our words carefully.