Bravehearts: FTMs who cannot or choose not to medically transition

[Maverick]

Happy Birthday Alix! I wish you every happiness you've ever dreamed of this year as you set forth on your quest to discover your true self. Congrats on your decision and you're right, it has to be all about you and what's right for you.
Maverick

[Nadeest]

Each of us has to find a balance in our life, that works for us. That can change, over time, I have found. To that end, we each make choices, which hopefully, make our lives better. For me, it was transition, even though I may never be able to afford any surgeries. That was my choice, and it has made my life better, even with all the difficulties that transition brings.

I will not say, however, that that is the right choice for everyone. We each have to decide that on our own. Whatever choices that we make, though, we will never fully be 'whole' and entirely comfortable with our bodies. This is part of who we are. Why we are this way, I do not know. I simply play the hand that I was dealt, the best way that I can. That is what all of us do. Hang in there!

[Greyson]

I just got home from more medical appointments. Recently I ran into an unexpected medical problem. In consultation with my doctors I decided I will no longer be taking Testosterone. This is most likely for the rest of my life. I can live with that. I am now legally a male and in my heart of hearts I know for me, I am not the same as a cisgender man.

For the past 5 or 6 years I have contemplated and researched vast amounts of information on Gender Reassignment, Gender Expression, Feminism, Misogyny, Internalized Misogyny, Internalized Homophobia, Internalize Fatphoia, Internalized Racism, Spirituality and what does that look like for me and in humanity.

What I have learned is that I am not all that different from any other human being. I am no longer living in constant fear, separation from "others" and self absorbed living, thinking I am there for others.

Why am I writing this in the Trans Zone? Well because I am Trans and am learning to come to peace with who I really am, a third gender. So many times during all of this medical stuff, I am being referred to as "she." Why does it rattle me so? Before going through gender reassignment I was called sir with regularity. i was also born a cisgender female. My gender expression has always been considered masculine. But here is the caveat to "mascilinity".... Masculinity does not only express in cisgender men, masculine identified cisgender females, Butches and Transmen.

After I had a two hour discussion today with an RN preparing me for surgery next week, she asked me if there is anything she can do to help make this upcoming surgery and hospitalization less stressful. I replied, "Yes."

I then proceeded to ask about the hospital's Diversity Training and if the training included education on LGBTQ concerns. She said she has been at this hospital for 18 years and has never had any diversity training that included LGBTQ concerns. (Keep in mind this is a hospital and Trauma Center in the SF Bay Area.) The nurse was very receptive to our discussion and promised me she is going to bring this to the attention of her superiors. I know there are consultants in our community that offer sensitivity training regarding our LGBTQ concerns.

I have kind of been all over the map in this post. Thank you for listening.

[DapperButch]

Hey, Greyson. I just wanted to say that I hear you, all that you said.

I appreciate you opening up and sharing with us. It takes just as much courage to take hormones, as it takes to not take hormones. It takes courage to live the "flavor" of whatever our gender identity is.

[Nadeest]

I agree, you are not fully the same as a cis-gender male. Nor am I the same as a cis-gender female. We don't have the same experiences as cis-gendered people. You have more of the experiences as a cis-female, and I have more the experiences as a cis-male, but we never fully experience everything the way that cis-people do.

As one person that I knew put it: Cis-females are on one side of the mountain, Cis-males another, and transfolk are on the top of the mountain. We can see and experience some of the things that both groups do, but never as fully and deeply as the people on either side of the mountain. On the other hand, we get to view and experience things that each group does not normally get to.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Nadeest

I agree, you are not fully the same as a cis-gender male. Nor am I the same as a cis-gender female. We don't have the same experiences as cis-gendered people. You have more of the experiences as a cis-female, and I have more the experiences as a cis-male, but we never fully experience everything the way that cis-people do.

As one person that I knew put it: Cis-females are on one side of the mountain, Cis-males another, and transfolk are on the top of the mountain. We can see and experience some of the things that both groups do, but never as fully and deeply as the people on either side of the mountain. On the other hand, we get to view and experience things that each group does not normally get to.

Wow, what a fantastic, powerful statement. Perfect.

[SelfMadeMan]

Thank you for sharing that post Greyson. I am so sorry you're having to deal with medical issues and I know all too well how scary that can be.

Stopping T is not going to change who you are, not one bit. I think you're very brave and making very smart decisions for your health and for your future. Good luck today, and I send mucho positive energy your way!

[Maverick]

I'm bumping this thread because it is so good for those of us who are questioning, uncertain, can't or won't transition to find support.



Personally, I continue to wrestle with the hugeness of changing my outer gender to reflect my inner gender and take my stand for who I truly am in the world. The thought of losing so much that I love in order to be true to myself is overwhelming. Yet, for me it is coming down to a bigger issue of claiming myself and standing up for my true self in this world that has for so long told ME who I am.

I had a dream this morning that I woke up with a beard and I was THRILLED!! And no one even noticed it lol. I kept showing it to people and they were like...that's nice. Hmm.. I kept running my hand across it and looking in the mirror and was so excited that I had a beard yet to everyone else it just seemed normal. Interesting.

Anyway, that's my bump for today. Just wanted to share with you guys and gals.

Carry on.
Mav