Bravehearts: FTMs who cannot or choose not to medically transition

Greyson · 04-26-2013, 07:05 PM

I just got home from more medical appointments. Recently I ran into an unexpected medical problem. In consultation with my doctors I decided I will no longer be taking Testosterone. This is most likely for the rest of my life. I can live with that. I am now legally a male and in my heart of hearts I know for me, I am not the same as a cisgender man.

For the past 5 or 6 years I have contemplated and researched vast amounts of information on Gender Reassignment, Gender Expression, Feminism, Misogyny, Internalized Misogyny, Internalized Homophobia, Internalize Fatphoia, Internalized Racism, Spirituality and what does that look like for me and in humanity.

What I have learned is that I am not all that different from any other human being. I am no longer living in constant fear, separation from "others" and self absorbed living, thinking I am there for others.

Why am I writing this in the Trans Zone? Well because I am Trans and am learning to come to peace with who I really am, a third gender. So many times during all of this medical stuff, I am being referred to as "she." Why does it rattle me so? Before going through gender reassignment I was called sir with regularity. i was also born a cisgender female. My gender expression has always been considered masculine. But here is the caveat to "mascilinity".... Masculinity does not only express in cisgender men, masculine identified cisgender females, Butches and Transmen.

After I had a two hour discussion today with an RN preparing me for surgery next week, she asked me if there is anything she can do to help make this upcoming surgery and hospitalization less stressful. I replied, "Yes."

I then proceeded to ask about the hospital's Diversity Training and if the training included education on LGBTQ concerns. She said she has been at this hospital for 18 years and has never had any diversity training that included LGBTQ concerns. (Keep in mind this is a hospital and Trauma Center in the SF Bay Area.) The nurse was very receptive to our discussion and promised me she is going to bring this to the attention of her superiors. I know there are consultants in our community that offer sensitivity training regarding our LGBTQ concerns.

I have kind of been all over the map in this post. Thank you for listening.

DapperButch · 04-26-2013, 09:13 PM

Hey, Greyson. I just wanted to say that I hear you, all that you said.

I appreciate you opening up and sharing with us. It takes just as much courage to take hormones, as it takes to not take hormones. It takes courage to live the "flavor" of whatever our gender identity is.

Nadeest · 04-27-2013, 06:08 AM

I agree, you are not fully the same as a cis-gender male. Nor am I the same as a cis-gender female. We don't have the same experiences as cis-gendered people. You have more of the experiences as a cis-female, and I have more the experiences as a cis-male, but we never fully experience everything the way that cis-people do.

As one person that I knew put it: Cis-females are on one side of the mountain, Cis-males another, and transfolk are on the top of the mountain. We can see and experience some of the things that both groups do, but never as fully and deeply as the people on either side of the mountain. On the other hand, we get to view and experience things that each group does not normally get to.

DapperButch · 04-27-2013, 07:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nadeest

I agree, you are not fully the same as a cis-gender male. Nor am I the same as a cis-gender female. We don't have the same experiences as cis-gendered people. You have more of the experiences as a cis-female, and I have more the experiences as a cis-male, but we never fully experience everything the way that cis-people do.

As one person that I knew put it: Cis-females are on one side of the mountain, Cis-males another, and transfolk are on the top of the mountain. We can see and experience some of the things that both groups do, but never as fully and deeply as the people on either side of the mountain. On the other hand, we get to view and experience things that each group does not normally get to.

Wow, what a fantastic, powerful statement. Perfect.

SelfMadeMan · 05-01-2013, 05:36 AM

Thank you for sharing that post Greyson. I am so sorry you're having to deal with medical issues and I know all too well how scary that can be.

Stopping T is not going to change who you are, not one bit. I think you're very brave and making very smart decisions for your health and for your future. Good luck today, and I send mucho positive energy your way!

Maverick · 07-22-2013, 12:51 PM

I'm bumping this thread because it is so good for those of us who are questioning, uncertain, can't or won't transition to find support.

Personally, I continue to wrestle with the hugeness of changing my outer gender to reflect my inner gender and take my stand for who I truly am in the world. The thought of losing so much that I love in order to be true to myself is overwhelming. Yet, for me it is coming down to a bigger issue of claiming myself and standing up for my true self in this world that has for so long told ME who I am.

I had a dream this morning that I woke up with a beard and I was THRILLED!! And no one even noticed it lol. I kept showing it to people and they were like...that's nice. Hmm.. I kept running my hand across it and looking in the mirror and was so excited that I had a beard yet to everyone else it just seemed normal. Interesting.

Anyway, that's my bump for today. Just wanted to share with you guys and gals.

Carry on.
Mav

LoyalWolfsBlade · 07-22-2013, 01:21 PM

Thank you for bumping this thread. I know I have found a lot of support and advice in this thread before I actually did start my transition a week ago.

You know Mav if you decide to do transition it is all about the little steps and going at YOUR pace. You may decide to only take T or go further to top and bottom surgery. Whatever is right for YOU. I suggest research and more research but don't forget the support along the way. My journey was long and full of many unexpected twists but it was a journey I had to take again at My pace.

I was once like you and was afraid of what I would loose. Now at 46 I am like many guys and am surprised of how many of things I did actually loose. Plus how little the ones I did loose actually meant to me, in the big picture.
Remind yourself that it is 2013 and a lot has changed including the thinking of many people. You also have the option I took of moving somewhere that the environment and thinking is more positive to trans* people and to the Bravhearts of this world.

Nadeest · 07-22-2013, 05:59 PM

I agree with KnightsBlade on this. Take your time on this, and only go as far as you are comfortable with, at the time. I remember that my mentor, long ago, kept telling me to take baby steps, and not to jump into things. She also told me that, generally, if you start trying to live as a female, all at once, you are going to run into all kinds of roadblocks, that you didn't expect. It is better to do things gradually, and both accustom yourself, and the people around you to the changes that you are making, in your life.

This advice worked well for me, and I have had a relatively smooth transition, with a lot less trouble then many people have experienced. I especially took my time changing the way that I dressed, only going as far as I was comfortable with, at the time.

Trust me, the little steps add up, even though it doesn't seem like it at the time. Things seem to go very slowly, at the start of transition, but boy, does that change, after a while.

It was recommended to me, to keep a journal during my transition, and look back at it, about once a year or so. Trust me, you will notice the changes in your life, at that point, especially a couple of years down the road.

04-26-2013, 07:05 PM	#1
Greyson Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Transmasculine/Non-Binary Preferred Pronoun?: Hy (Pronounced He) Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: SF Bay Area Posts: 6,589 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21,132 Thanked 8,146 Times in 2,005 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	I just got home from more medical appointments. Recently I ran into an unexpected medical problem. In consultation with my doctors I decided I will no longer be taking Testosterone. This is most likely for the rest of my life. I can live with that. I am now legally a male and in my heart of hearts I know for me, I am not the same as a cisgender man. For the past 5 or 6 years I have contemplated and researched vast amounts of information on Gender Reassignment, Gender Expression, Feminism, Misogyny, Internalized Misogyny, Internalized Homophobia, Internalize Fatphoia, Internalized Racism, Spirituality and what does that look like for me and in humanity. What I have learned is that I am not all that different from any other human being. I am no longer living in constant fear, separation from "others" and self absorbed living, thinking I am there for others. Why am I writing this in the Trans Zone? Well because I am Trans and am learning to come to peace with who I really am, a third gender. So many times during all of this medical stuff, I am being referred to as "she." Why does it rattle me so? Before going through gender reassignment I was called sir with regularity. i was also born a cisgender female. My gender expression has always been considered masculine. But here is the caveat to "mascilinity".... Masculinity does not only express in cisgender men, masculine identified cisgender females, Butches and Transmen. After I had a two hour discussion today with an RN preparing me for surgery next week, she asked me if there is anything she can do to help make this upcoming surgery and hospitalization less stressful. I replied, "Yes." I then proceeded to ask about the hospital's Diversity Training and if the training included education on LGBTQ concerns. She said she has been at this hospital for 18 years and has never had any diversity training that included LGBTQ concerns. (Keep in mind this is a hospital and Trauma Center in the SF Bay Area.) The nurse was very receptive to our discussion and promised me she is going to bring this to the attention of her superiors. I know there are consultants in our community that offer sensitivity training regarding our LGBTQ concerns. I have kind of been all over the map in this post. Thank you for listening. __________________ Sometimes you don't realize your own strength until you come face to face with your greatest weakness. - Susan Gale

04-26-2013, 09:13 PM	#2
DapperButch Roadster Guy How Do You Identify?: FTM, Stone Butch Preferred Pronoun?: He Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Northeast Posts: 7,745 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 26,545 Thanked 26,809 Times in 5,771 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Hey, Greyson. I just wanted to say that I hear you, all that you said. I appreciate you opening up and sharing with us. It takes just as much courage to take hormones, as it takes to not take hormones. It takes courage to live the "flavor" of whatever our gender identity is. __________________ -Dapper Are you educated or indoctrinated?

07-22-2013, 12:51 PM	#6
Maverick Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Transman Preferred Pronoun?: they/them Relationship Status: encumbered Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: eastern US Posts: 48 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 361 Thanked 181 Times in 34 Posts Rep Power: 1216948	Bump I'm bumping this thread because it is so good for those of us who are questioning, uncertain, can't or won't transition to find support. Personally, I continue to wrestle with the hugeness of changing my outer gender to reflect my inner gender and take my stand for who I truly am in the world. The thought of losing so much that I love in order to be true to myself is overwhelming. Yet, for me it is coming down to a bigger issue of claiming myself and standing up for my true self in this world that has for so long told ME who I am. I had a dream this morning that I woke up with a beard and I was THRILLED!! And no one even noticed it lol. I kept showing it to people and they were like...that's nice. Hmm.. I kept running my hand across it and looking in the mirror and was so excited that I had a beard yet to everyone else it just seemed normal. Interesting. Anyway, that's my bump for today. Just wanted to share with you guys and gals. Carry on. Mav

07-22-2013, 01:21 PM	#7
LoyalWolfsBlade Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Pre-Op FtM, Preferred Pronoun?: Masculine ones plz Relationship Status: Single but haven't given up on finding the One Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: I gaze upon the same moon as you do Posts: 3,827 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,214 Thanked 9,646 Times in 3,123 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Thanks Thank you for bumping this thread. I know I have found a lot of support and advice in this thread before I actually did start my transition a week ago. You know Mav if you decide to do transition it is all about the little steps and going at YOUR pace. You may decide to only take T or go further to top and bottom surgery. Whatever is right for YOU. I suggest research and more research but don't forget the support along the way. My journey was long and full of many unexpected twists but it was a journey I had to take again at My pace. I was once like you and was afraid of what I would loose. Now at 46 I am like many guys and am surprised of how many of things I did actually loose. Plus how little the ones I did loose actually meant to me, in the big picture. Remind yourself that it is 2013 and a lot has changed including the thinking of many people. You also have the option I took of moving somewhere that the environment and thinking is more positive to trans* people and to the Bravhearts of this world. __________________ Life should never be stagnant hence my quest for new knowledge will continue until my last breath. Wolf

04-27-2013, 06:08 AM	#3
Nadeest Member How Do You Identify?: as myself Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Leesburg, FL Posts: 595 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,876 Thanked 2,118 Times in 501 Posts Rep Power: 17077998	I agree, you are not fully the same as a cis-gender male. Nor am I the same as a cis-gender female. We don't have the same experiences as cis-gendered people. You have more of the experiences as a cis-female, and I have more the experiences as a cis-male, but we never fully experience everything the way that cis-people do. As one person that I knew put it: Cis-females are on one side of the mountain, Cis-males another, and transfolk are on the top of the mountain. We can see and experience some of the things that both groups do, but never as fully and deeply as the people on either side of the mountain. On the other hand, we get to view and experience things that each group does not normally get to.

05-01-2013, 05:36 AM	#5
SelfMadeMan Member How Do You Identify?: Transsexual Man Preferred Pronoun?: Male Relationship Status: Married to The Woman of My Dreams <3 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Minnesota Posts: 802 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 796 Thanked 2,668 Times in 527 Posts Rep Power: 18972345	Thank you for sharing that post Greyson. I am so sorry you're having to deal with medical issues and I know all too well how scary that can be. Stopping T is not going to change who you are, not one bit. I think you're very brave and making very smart decisions for your health and for your future. Good luck today, and I send mucho positive energy your way!

07-22-2013, 05:59 PM	#8
Nadeest Member How Do You Identify?: as myself Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Leesburg, FL Posts: 595 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,876 Thanked 2,118 Times in 501 Posts Rep Power: 17077998	I agree with KnightsBlade on this. Take your time on this, and only go as far as you are comfortable with, at the time. I remember that my mentor, long ago, kept telling me to take baby steps, and not to jump into things. She also told me that, generally, if you start trying to live as a female, all at once, you are going to run into all kinds of roadblocks, that you didn't expect. It is better to do things gradually, and both accustom yourself, and the people around you to the changes that you are making, in your life. This advice worked well for me, and I have had a relatively smooth transition, with a lot less trouble then many people have experienced. I especially took my time changing the way that I dressed, only going as far as I was comfortable with, at the time. Trust me, the little steps add up, even though it doesn't seem like it at the time. Things seem to go very slowly, at the start of transition, but boy, does that change, after a while. It was recommended to me, to keep a journal during my transition, and look back at it, about once a year or so. Trust me, you will notice the changes in your life, at that point, especially a couple of years down the road.