Bravehearts: FTMs who cannot or choose not to medically transition

[Maverick]

I'm bumping this thread because it is so good for those of us who are questioning, uncertain, can't or won't transition to find support.



Personally, I continue to wrestle with the hugeness of changing my outer gender to reflect my inner gender and take my stand for who I truly am in the world. The thought of losing so much that I love in order to be true to myself is overwhelming. Yet, for me it is coming down to a bigger issue of claiming myself and standing up for my true self in this world that has for so long told ME who I am.

I had a dream this morning that I woke up with a beard and I was THRILLED!! And no one even noticed it lol. I kept showing it to people and they were like...that's nice. Hmm.. I kept running my hand across it and looking in the mirror and was so excited that I had a beard yet to everyone else it just seemed normal. Interesting.

Anyway, that's my bump for today. Just wanted to share with you guys and gals.

Carry on.
Mav

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Thank you for bumping this thread. I know I have found a lot of support and advice in this thread before I actually did start my transition a week ago.

You know Mav if you decide to do transition it is all about the little steps and going at YOUR pace. You may decide to only take T or go further to top and bottom surgery. Whatever is right for YOU. I suggest research and more research but don't forget the support along the way. My journey was long and full of many unexpected twists but it was a journey I had to take again at My pace.

I was once like you and was afraid of what I would loose. Now at 46 I am like many guys and am surprised of how many of things I did actually loose. Plus how little the ones I did loose actually meant to me, in the big picture.
Remind yourself that it is 2013 and a lot has changed including the thinking of many people. You also have the option I took of moving somewhere that the environment and thinking is more positive to trans* people and to the Bravhearts of this world.

[Nadeest]

I agree with KnightsBlade on this. Take your time on this, and only go as far as you are comfortable with, at the time. I remember that my mentor, long ago, kept telling me to take baby steps, and not to jump into things. She also told me that, generally, if you start trying to live as a female, all at once, you are going to run into all kinds of roadblocks, that you didn't expect. It is better to do things gradually, and both accustom yourself, and the people around you to the changes that you are making, in your life.

This advice worked well for me, and I have had a relatively smooth transition, with a lot less trouble then many people have experienced. I especially took my time changing the way that I dressed, only going as far as I was comfortable with, at the time.

Trust me, the little steps add up, even though it doesn't seem like it at the time. Things seem to go very slowly, at the start of transition, but boy, does that change, after a while.

It was recommended to me, to keep a journal during my transition, and look back at it, about once a year or so. Trust me, you will notice the changes in your life, at that point, especially a couple of years down the road.

[Maverick]

Thanks Nadeest and KnightsBlade for your helpful advice to take it slow. I am definitely taking it slow and spend a lot of time researching my options and how others have journeyed through their transitions. Yes, it's a slow process and it sometimes feels like I'm not moving forward at all but I am reminded occasionally of how far I've actually come in just a couple of years. I do keep a journal and it's very interesting to look back once in a while. This year I've learned so much about myself and so many pieces of my puzzle have finally fallen into place. So far it's been an incredible journey and I'm really looking forward to continuing along my current path. It gets lonely sometimes though so it's really nice to reach out and touch base with people that really understand what we go through to get to our true selves.

I shared this quote in another thread but think it's fitting here as well. It very much sums up how I feel about my own transition:

"My transition has not only been from an inauthentic life as a man to an authentic life as a woman. It has also been from a gender covenant based upon physical sex and social convention to a new gender covenant in which gender doesn’t mean being male or female, but being true to others by becoming our truest selves." -Joy Ladin

[Ilphithra]

Hello to all,

As someone suffering from Gender Dysphoria and having opted for not having sex reassignment surgery, I've decided to share with you the reasons why I don't do it.

I have researched extensively and pondered all the pros and cons that might come with it and I have made a lot of introspection in order to take a decision. After a long time, I decided it was better to keep the body I have and take good care of it.

I'm also divided about packing and other such methods.

Don't get me wrong... I hate my body and I'm thoroughly ashamed of it to the point I refuse to have sex with my SO with the lights on.

As much as I would love to change my body, I'm someone who looks at things objectively instead of jumping the gun and doing some kind of madness such as trying to mutilate myself.

My reasons for not "changing" are several as I said. I'll try to explain this as good as I can.

Pros - Match my mental and soul image.

Cons - Where to start?

Testosterone treatment: so much can go so wrong with the body that it's not even funny. Even with naturally high T, my doctor told me it would be best not to do it due to the cyclic cysts I have. It could increase them or worse. I decided not to do it.

Sex reassignment surgery: I have done extensive research in this and the results of FtM surgery are simply not satisfying to me.

Between the massive scarring, the chance of tissue rejection, the chance of necrosis, lack of any feeling, loss of ability to feel pleasure, etc... the risks and cons in this are so many that I simply threw it out of the window.

Come back to me when it's possible to use my stem cells and DNA scaffolding to grow a penis in lab and attach it safely to me. Maybe not in my lifetime but perhaps in the future this will be possible.

Binding my chest: As much as I would love a flat chest, I'm not about to turn my boobs into smashed pancakes. Let them be there and as perky as they want. The only way they go is if I get cancer risk.

Packing: This one brings so many mixed feelings to me it's not even funny.

Packing would enable me to get a penis, scrotum and balls... especially if I save up and get one of the pack&play from Lola Jake's. I would look down and see something somewhat realistic hanging in there, especially if glued (no harness).

However, at the end of the day, it's not really "mine". It's something, glued to me that gives me some feeling by stimulating my clitoris and pleasure to my SO by penetration... but it still comes off my body as it is not mine.

This "it's not mine" thought is what drives me absolutely nuts...

I'm absolutely sure I don't want to go under the knife due to the procedure having more cons than pros. I take my hat off to those who, even with the odds being nasty, still go through the FtM surgery and risk all the ailments that can come from T injections.

Perhaps I will pack in the future but I won't be binding. As much as I hate my body, it's the only body I have and I have to take good care of it, not mutilate it or hurt it.

It's as much my body's fault that it is female as it is my fault that I was born this way. I don't want to be hurt for being who I am, why would I hurt my own body for being what it is?

Yes, my body fitting the mental image I have of it would be nice... but I simply see no reasonable or safe way to do so. As such, I will take good care of what I have and live my life to the best of my abilities.

And maybe.. who knows... maybe I poke Lola Jake in the future... I'm not adverse to the hermaphrodite "look"...

[MsTinkerbelly]

"madness as trying to mutilate myself"....wow.

There are many people here in varying degrees of transitition, and words hurt.

[Ilphithra]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

"madness as trying to mutilate myself"....wow.

There are many people here in varying degrees of transitition, and words hurt.

Well... while I understand why some of us hate their bodies to the point of trying to literally chop off their genitals for example, it doesn't mean it's something sane or normal to do.
It's something that happens out of absolute depression, unhappiness, frustration and desperation.

I won't say the thought never crossed my mind but I never went through with it or even got as far as grabbing a knife...

I'm sorry if my bluntness offends you but it's how I see and talk about things. I shall go back to lurking the forum as I have done until now so that I don't offend people due to being frontal and blunt about things. I don't have a habit of mincing or fluffing words.

Thanks for the "warm welcoming".

[weatherboi]

Originally Posted by Ilphithra

I'm not adverse to the hermaphrodite "look"...

Glad you are here!!!

Hermaphrodite is a really antiquated term. Intersex is not a look and although I appreciate someone trying to infuse humor in an obviously stressful situation, I am certain Intersex is not a look but a gender that is akin to many of the things a transgender person goes thru. So please lets not poke humor at the expense of another gender that is struggling.

I totally get where you can feel this way about all the cons that you listed. It can be overwhelming to live a life in a body that doesn't match the mind and sometimes we find ourselves thinking and doing things to our bodies that can be construed as unsafe and not helpful in the long battle. I have run across many transgender persons that go thru periods of physical self hurt/mutilation. Is this what you are meaning???

[Ilphithra]

Originally Posted by weatherboi

Glad you are here!!!

Hermaphrodite is a really antiquated term. Intersex is not a look and although I appreciate someone trying to infuse humor in an obviously stressful situation, I am certain Intersex is not a look but a gender that is akin to many of the things a transgender person goes thru. So please lets not poke humor at the expense of another gender that is struggling.

Hmm... I placed the word between quotes as I know it's not a "look". As for humor... it wasn't really humor... I'm really not adverse to the idea of having boobs + penis. Maybe the smiley makes it look like that but I honestly had no patience to go through the massive list of smileys to find a more toned down wink... :/

Originally Posted by weatherboi

I totally get where you can feel this way about all the cons that you listed. It can be overwhelming to live a life in a body that doesn't match the mind and sometimes we find ourselves thinking and doing things to our bodies that can be construed as unsafe and not helpful in the long battle. I have run across many transgender persons that go thru periods of physical self hurt/mutilation. Is this what you are meaning???

Yes... the "madness" I speak about is when we fall to the deepest pits of horror in our minds and think of nothing but cutting off pieces of ourselves with a random kitchen knife (and sometimes end up trying/succeeding in doing it).

For this is nothing but a bout of madness overcoming us when we're overrun with the deepest loathe we can have for our own bodies.
I've been there... but I didn't get to the point of actually doing anything. I kept forcing myself to think this is the only body I have... I must keep it healthy instead of hurting it.

My way of thinking may be strange to some... but I primarily deal with things in terms of logic. Feelings are secondary to me and they play an extremely limited part in my life. That means that even if I hate my body, I stop myself from hurting it as it would be detrimental to me.








For those knowledgeable of MBTI... I'm an INTJ...

For those not knowledgeable: INTJ prioritizes logic and forgoes feelings and emotions in everything (with a few exceptions). INTJ are often hated due to how cold and uncaring they can come across to people.

[DMW]

Originally Posted by Ilphithra

Hello to all,

As much as I would love to change my body, I'm someone who looks at things objectively instead of jumping the gun and doing some kind of madness such as trying to mutilate myself.

Yes, my body fitting the mental image I have of it would be nice... but I simply see no reasonable or safe way to do so. As such, I will take good care of what I have and live my life to the best of my abilities.
:

I am sorry that you are in so much pain. I realize that you have been timed out.
However, just in case you are still out there, I am going to put a short simple note out.

I considered my choice to have surgery very objectively, logically and reasonably. I went from the age of 16 to 33 thinking it over. So, I don't consider having surgery at 33 on," jumping the gun." Have to laugh at that one.

In addition, i find it very Interesting and almost confusing that you view a personal body transformation as, "you trying to mutilate yourself" your madness.
I do understand being desperate for change and I do understand the idea
of going to extremes to make that change. Self mutilation is not a laughing matter.
Today there are healthy options. I pray that they become more accessible to those in need. For those of us that view transition as a positive evolution which brings one closer to "self ";how they define and see themselves to be.

I, for one, can say from my self transformation, or even using your words...
My self mutilation. I am beautiful for having done so, and so are all trans people.

Regards,
DMW

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

I think it's way past time to dust off this thread and give it a bump. I know when I first joined this thread helped me a lot. Back when I wasn't sure if I could medically transition and even when I wasn't sure I wanted to if I could afford it. It is helpful to know there is a place to go where you can vent, ask questions, get support and connect with other Bravehearts. So I am bumping this for the new guy and for the old timers that may have forgotten the thread is even though I no longer fit the description I still love this thread! I have been on T a year now and due to finances that may be as far as I will be able to go in my medical transition although I do want top surgery.