Public Displays of Affection (PDA)

[thedivahrrrself]

I love to hold hands with my partner, put my arm around them, maybe steal a quick kiss, but not all the time. I am affectionate, and I don't hide who I am, in public or anywhere else, because I am not ashamed.

However, some people feel the need to hang all over each other and make out in public, and I find that distasteful, whether you are straight or gay.

As a femme, I can't speak to what is more prevalent among butches, but I have experienced backlash for holding hands in public, and in my experience, it's usually directed at the couple, not just one member of it. I don't mind being harassed for being with the person I love - I came out in the BFE of rural Oklahoma - those fuckers don't scare me.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I am much more likely to initiate a PDA, just because like others here I have never been beaten or harassed for just being me. My wife is getting more comfortable with it all the time, and I think that's because it's with me.

There are few people who would say anything to me or to us once they get a look at my expression...even when not angry, I have a go to Hell/ don't fuck with me look about me which most people would never test.

LOL smart folks

[~baby~doll~]

i can't answer from the butch point of view as i am femme, i will say this is personal preference. It is very much up to the people involved and how each P/partner feels.

[laruss]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I think it's an individual choice, not a gender or gender presentation choice. Do you live in an area where being gay is a big deal?

I live in Canada in a big City, it has never been an issue for me, nor do I think it should be.

Originally Posted by stargazingboi

Although, I don't think its a gender thing, I do think its a past experience thing for most folks. Therefore, it may appear that more of butch/TG/FTM avoiding PDA.

I agree, that it is a past experience thing, so does that mean that more butches are harassed more then the femmes? I know I have never been.

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

[COLOR="Indigo"] However, some people feel the need to hang all over each other and make out in public, and I find that distasteful, whether you are straight or gay.
COLOR]

I agree, no one needs that.


I think it is sad how much our society has moved away from touch in all regards. Any pda, teacher/student, step parent/step child, father/son, homeless/anyone and so much more. We attach such a sexual connotation to touch and touch is so important for our emotional/spiritual/physical health.

We are so immune to violence that we don't flinch at that but a gay couple holding hands will send some over the edge. What is wrong with this picture? Everything.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I think it's cultural as well, Latinos are a touchy bunch, my mother never was but other members of my family are, there is hugging, kissing and always a hand or a touch somewhere. I am like that with most of my chosen family and they back, all my chosen family have some sort of need for *touch* it's always been part of my life. Some American people are on the more reserved side, I say American because I've been around other cultures that are just as touchy as we are (Latinos). I dunno, I do know that as a queer I watch more who I touch and how outside of the circles I mentioned above. Once some folks (not all) catch on that you aren't hetero like them, then either they get weird, the vibe gets weird, or they flat out think a touch means you are interested or that you are being oogie gay... I dunno that's a thought.

[~baby~doll~]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I think it's cultural as well, Latinos are a touchy bunch, my mother never was but other members of my family are, there is hugging, kissing and always a hand or a touch somewhere. I am like that with most of my chosen family and they back, all my chosen family have some sort of need for *touch* it's always been part of my life. Some American people are on the more reserved side, I say American because I've been around other cultures that are just as touchy as we are (Latinos). I dunno, I do know that as a queer I watch more who I touch and how outside of the circles I mentioned above. Once some folks (not all) catch on that you aren't hetero like them, then either they get weird, the vibe gets weird, or they flat out think a touch means you are interested or that you are being oogie gay... I dunno that's a thought.

In the bold. Because of where i have lived i have never paid much attention to the hetero-normative acceptance levels since the mid 70's. (In some areas it was best to be more discreet for safety sake, but not hidden ) i do not generally care what the regulation populous thinks. They can get weird or whatever they like.
i totally agree with you that some cultures touch more than others. That's why this question is so personal, in fact it is impossible to give a definitive response. In O/our family we have different degrees of comfort zones.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by ~baby~doll~

In the bold. Because of where i have lived i have never paid much attention to the hetero-normative acceptance levels since the mid 70's. (In some areas it was best to be more discreet for safety sake, but not hidden ) i do not generally care what the regulation populous thinks. They can get weird or whatever they like.
i totally agree with you that some cultures touch more than others. That's why this question is so personal, in fact it is impossible to give a definitive response. In O/our family we have different degrees of comfort zones.

I was more refering to how hetero folk act when they peg you as queer/gay/different/etc/etc, with touch from us. I was also more just talking about laruss' bringing up that we as a whole (society) are not tactile due to people more into violence.

I am aware of my surroundings more here in the South than I am say in Portland. I find either way that if someone is *bothered* or what I like to call homophobic it isn't going to matter where one lives, bigotry taints all our communities.

[SaltyButch]

Let me preface this by saying, PDA is a good thing as with most things in moderation. I like others am not a fan of anyone trying to give someone a tonsillectomy in public no matter who you are.

As a butch, I'm not afraid to show affection to my partner, I'm blessed that I live in a tolerant society but we do have some who still think they have the right to dictate my actions. My experience has been that the more masculine you look seems to predicate the unsolicited abuse you may receive. I am for all intense purposes a soft butch, not particularly masculine looking, so although I may receive looks my stature and the look I give them will make them think twice about approaching me.

It's often been said that "femmes" who are straight looking get away with more and I believe that, this may be because it feeds into the fantasy that some have. Butches have a tendency to get attention no matter what, it's how we respond to the attention which may alter encounters for the next person.

I am Old School, so walk on the outside to protect my girl, I will hold her hand, we will walk arm in arm and I will show affection with no regard unless it is unsafe to do so. Only through our actions can we help others understand that affection and love between anyone is not only okay but should be the norm.

Hugs to everyone~

[~baby~doll~]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I was more refering to how hetero folk act when they peg you as queer/gay/different/etc/etc, with touch from us. I was also more just talking about laruss' bringing up that we as a whole (society) are not tactile due to people more into violence.

I am aware of my surroundings more here in the South than I am say in Portland. I find either way that if someone is *bothered* or what I like to call homophobic it isn't going to matter where one lives, bigotry taints all our communities.

i too am aware of my surroundings. It is so true bigotry haunts all of us who are not cut from the same mold as the heterosexual crowd.

[Sweet Bliss]

My partner of 16 years had an advantage, he walked with a cane most of the time, or held my arm to avoid falling. We did not do any PDA past that point.

Another person I was paired with for a short time, I could not keep my hands off. However, it was confined to hanging on her, holding her arm at grocery stores or kissing her shoulder. I'm short, can't reach her lips. Unless on tiptoe. Sometimes we got looks, but since she is taller, stronger, tougher than most Bio males it's usually smiles.

But not around family, especially Grandmother.

The staff at our favorite places to eat thought we were cute together.
But that said we live in a tourist area, and she is good at spotting bad situations at a distance. Regardless of who you are, it is prudent to be aware of your surroundings.

[stargazingboi]

Originally Posted by laruss

I agree, that it is a past experience thing, so does that mean that more butches are harassed more then the femmes? I know I have never been.

Hmm slippery slop isn't it. Let me respond like this...that I think its different. Femme's deal with their own type of harassment. I can not speak for others...merely from my own experiences and from what I have seen, was told, and/or witnessed.

Since, I have not lived a femme life...I can not say that femme's are less likely to be harassed. I just think its different. Femme's that I have known in the past have commented about being able to "hide" when they needed to..so they could remain "safe." Where as for those who where butch/TG/ FTM safety was a major issue because they (me included) could not hide...the way we dressed..walked..talked...acted drew the attention of those one would not wish to draw attention from.

Back in my day beatings happened often outside of clubs...walking down the streets, outside of homes, lost jobs for many...comments thrown no matter the place..etc.

Even though times have changed these things haven't gone away..culture is a huge part of it. Depending on where you live...the religions that surround you...the age groups...the mentality of the people you deal with daily will all effect how one response in the future (no matter what it is).

Our past will either make us shy away...or give us the F*** you mentality...or for some (like me) it depends on my mood and my surroundings as to how I respond in general.

I have dealt with watching friends get hurt and killed...I have myself been attacked physically and verbally for who I am. So, now I look around..see what I am dealing with...assess the safety and think about those I am with, then deal with it in the best interest of my family.

If my partner is with me and/or the kids..then their safety comes first and for most. So, my pride and F*** you attitude needs to be placed aside.

[SleepyButch]

I am very affectionate by nature. I love holding hands, having My arms around her, or My hand on the small of her back. I will also kiss/hug in public in a tasteful way. I do feel comfortable doing so but I still get worried at times depending on the crowd and where I am geographically.

When I lived in MN, I never thought twice about it. I can't remember ever getting a negative comment from anyone. When I lived in OK over 10 years ago, it was something I would not do for fear of My safety, whether actual or believed. It was something to think about.

Now that I'm back here in OK, I have been more openly affectionate but I do keep an eye on My surroundings no matter where I am. I was recently visiting My gf in Pittsburgh and we were walking along the river hand in hand. It was a very busy place and I felt comfortable until we were coming up on a boat full of about six guys who you could tell were drinking. I asked her if she thought it was safe for us to continue holding hands and she said yes. So we did and thankfully nothing happened.

Sometimes I think I worry too much but I try not to let it stop Me when I want to be affectionate. I'm just a little more cautious depending on which part of the country I am in.

Oh... I typically check with the other person to make sure they are okay with PDA before I go smacking My lips on them or holding their hand.

[Gemme]

I'm not into a lot of PDA. Sure, a kiss or a touch here or there but no spit swapping. I'm not partial to holding hands either and that's totally a personal preference. I'm more of a hugger anyway.

I have lived in areas where the majority of the population felt it was perfectly fine to drive by and scream obscenities and racial and homophobic slurs out the window if the driver or passenger felt so obliged. Maybe that has played into my conservative nature with public affection. Maybe not.

Back when I was a kid and my mom wanted a kiss, I'd happily hug her to pieces but kissing her and holding her hand wasn't my thing either, so for me, it's likely to be just me and my personal comfort settings.

[Kobi]

I am lucky to live in an area where pda are rarely an issue. I have also never been gay bashed.

So, I tend to do what ever feels natural to me when in my own environment.

I tend to be more cautious when in a different environment and/or in a different area in the country/world.

[lusciouskiwi]

Here in Malaysia, my ex was very loath to hold hands (never any cheek kissing), sometimes using the hot weather (sweaty hands) as an explanation or just that we're in a homophobic society. But I see young butch femme couples walking around holding hands all the time. Or, walking very close together. (Or having sex in the toilets, but that's another story).

I don't know if it would be different - better or worse - if I were with a white partner or not. Certainly years ago in NZ I had yelling from passing cars, stones thrown, and other fun stuff while with a girlfriend and holding hands.

It was funny being in Korea. I could walk around holding any woman's hand and no one would blink an eyelid because it's culturally acceptable. I would often hold hands or walk arm in arm with my straight mate. But walk around NZ, hand in hand with one of my sisters. For them it's all about "someone might think we're gay."

Like lots of other people, I'm very affectionate. I'm not fond of tonsil hockey though.

[DMW]

Originally Posted by stargazingboi

So, now I look around..see what I am dealing with...assess the safety and think about those I am with, then deal with it in the best interest of my family.

If my partner is with me and/or the kids..then their safety comes first and for most. So, my pride and F*** you attitude needs to be placed aside.

I really like and agree with what you shared. That is why I shared. Instinctually, I think it is harder to turn the other cheek and walk on. But, when I look at the big picture, tomorrow is more important. That's a win.