Public Displays of Affection (PDA)

[stargazingboi]

Originally Posted by laruss

I agree, that it is a past experience thing, so does that mean that more butches are harassed more then the femmes? I know I have never been.

Hmm slippery slop isn't it. Let me respond like this...that I think its different. Femme's deal with their own type of harassment. I can not speak for others...merely from my own experiences and from what I have seen, was told, and/or witnessed.

Since, I have not lived a femme life...I can not say that femme's are less likely to be harassed. I just think its different. Femme's that I have known in the past have commented about being able to "hide" when they needed to..so they could remain "safe." Where as for those who where butch/TG/ FTM safety was a major issue because they (me included) could not hide...the way we dressed..walked..talked...acted drew the attention of those one would not wish to draw attention from.

Back in my day beatings happened often outside of clubs...walking down the streets, outside of homes, lost jobs for many...comments thrown no matter the place..etc.

Even though times have changed these things haven't gone away..culture is a huge part of it. Depending on where you live...the religions that surround you...the age groups...the mentality of the people you deal with daily will all effect how one response in the future (no matter what it is).

Our past will either make us shy away...or give us the F*** you mentality...or for some (like me) it depends on my mood and my surroundings as to how I respond in general.

I have dealt with watching friends get hurt and killed...I have myself been attacked physically and verbally for who I am. So, now I look around..see what I am dealing with...assess the safety and think about those I am with, then deal with it in the best interest of my family.

If my partner is with me and/or the kids..then their safety comes first and for most. So, my pride and F*** you attitude needs to be placed aside.

[SleepyButch]

I am very affectionate by nature. I love holding hands, having My arms around her, or My hand on the small of her back. I will also kiss/hug in public in a tasteful way. I do feel comfortable doing so but I still get worried at times depending on the crowd and where I am geographically.

When I lived in MN, I never thought twice about it. I can't remember ever getting a negative comment from anyone. When I lived in OK over 10 years ago, it was something I would not do for fear of My safety, whether actual or believed. It was something to think about.

Now that I'm back here in OK, I have been more openly affectionate but I do keep an eye on My surroundings no matter where I am. I was recently visiting My gf in Pittsburgh and we were walking along the river hand in hand. It was a very busy place and I felt comfortable until we were coming up on a boat full of about six guys who you could tell were drinking. I asked her if she thought it was safe for us to continue holding hands and she said yes. So we did and thankfully nothing happened.

Sometimes I think I worry too much but I try not to let it stop Me when I want to be affectionate. I'm just a little more cautious depending on which part of the country I am in.

Oh... I typically check with the other person to make sure they are okay with PDA before I go smacking My lips on them or holding their hand.

[Gemme]

I'm not into a lot of PDA. Sure, a kiss or a touch here or there but no spit swapping. I'm not partial to holding hands either and that's totally a personal preference. I'm more of a hugger anyway.

I have lived in areas where the majority of the population felt it was perfectly fine to drive by and scream obscenities and racial and homophobic slurs out the window if the driver or passenger felt so obliged. Maybe that has played into my conservative nature with public affection. Maybe not.

Back when I was a kid and my mom wanted a kiss, I'd happily hug her to pieces but kissing her and holding her hand wasn't my thing either, so for me, it's likely to be just me and my personal comfort settings.

[Kobi]

I am lucky to live in an area where pda are rarely an issue. I have also never been gay bashed.

So, I tend to do what ever feels natural to me when in my own environment.

I tend to be more cautious when in a different environment and/or in a different area in the country/world.

[lusciouskiwi]

Here in Malaysia, my ex was very loath to hold hands (never any cheek kissing), sometimes using the hot weather (sweaty hands) as an explanation or just that we're in a homophobic society. But I see young butch femme couples walking around holding hands all the time. Or, walking very close together. (Or having sex in the toilets, but that's another story).

I don't know if it would be different - better or worse - if I were with a white partner or not. Certainly years ago in NZ I had yelling from passing cars, stones thrown, and other fun stuff while with a girlfriend and holding hands.

It was funny being in Korea. I could walk around holding any woman's hand and no one would blink an eyelid because it's culturally acceptable. I would often hold hands or walk arm in arm with my straight mate. But walk around NZ, hand in hand with one of my sisters. For them it's all about "someone might think we're gay."

Like lots of other people, I'm very affectionate. I'm not fond of tonsil hockey though.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've had yelling from cars for homophobia, sexism, size (when I was fat), and highschool idiots just being random assholes for no reason at all. It's not stopped me from holding someone's hand.
I've lived in a quite a few cities in a few different countries and traveled quite a bit I have only been very mindful about it in Indonesia, Malaysia, Panama and small towns in the states.
I am absolutely fine with arm in arm, hand holding, a nice kiss.
I do hug and cuddle if we are standing watching fire works or something but I don't have my legs over hers and strumming anyones hair if I'm on the tube or something. hand holding is something I love to do.

In london, as we approached a group of 7 boys who were drinking I went to let go of my partner's (at the time) hand. She said
"No. don't let go. they see you let go and they will know we're afraid and that's much worse. it's like dogs. keep your calm and don't be nervous."

we walked through their pack and one of them kicked me and the red mist decended and I spun around and kicked back. they laughed at the kid I hit and they said some silly shit and kept walking.

I've been attacked quite a few times for just being female. I'm really not afraid to punch people anymore. but I have never lived in a country with hand guns either.

But no. the harassment and attacks I've had have not discouraged me from holding hands in public.

one ex of mind would not hold hands. she said she thought is was childish. I told her I thought that was BS. she was scared. I pointed to tons of adults "are they childish? are they? do they look childish? how bout them? I think you are scared of being spotted for a homo. cause, like, you are so stealth about it by the way you look, right? no one knows you are a homo! better not hold hands and out yourself!" I was laughing and taking the piss.

she told me to shut it, but I was a bit relentless about it. she always got very PDA after a couple of drinks so I'm pretty damn sure it was fear of something. It was oxford. it's not like anything would have happened save a very unlikely shit comment. big whoop someone voices disapproval. jesus. never had that before. not sure how I'd manage to cope with the opinions of someone I don't know or care about...

My exwife wouldn't do it. she was scared. though I'm not sure why, having come from an extremely progressive country. Then after we were married she realised she had every fucking right to hold my hand, I was her goddamn wife. So she finally started holding my hand. It used to really hurt my feelings, though I tried not to feel hurt, it really did - that she would allow disapproving looks be more important than holding my hand. So finally I felt she had overcome her lack of "right" to hold my hand in public. Did we get snotty looks? sometimes. One wine and cheese canal cruise a table full of Italians were being extremely rude and glaring at me. She actually spoke up and told them that gay marriage was legal in holland and to suck it up or leave.

that was very appreciated. and the rest of the people on the cruise glared at the group who were being homophobic.

[*Anya*]

Things have changed for me, over the years, in my personal experience.

When I was a young lesbian and holding hands with my femme girlfriend, there would always be looks and comments. Sometimes scary ones.

With my long-term ex butch, if I held her hand or her arm; it was much worse. She always was called sir at first, until they saw her bosoms-then, you could almost see the rage cross their faces, as they came to the realization that she was female.

Honestly, I always felt that because I was young and attractive, it particularly pissed off hostile men and teen boys: "what are you doing with her baby, I got something here for you"; as they grabbed their dicks.

What I have really come to grasp, in a very real and concrete way, is that as I age, I do become more invisible to straight (potentially hostile) bio men and that PDA between two older women only rates a passing glance.

My GF has very short salt and pepper hair. More salt than pepper. I clearly no longer look 25 (or 35 or 45 or 55....).

Now, we hold hands frequently (which scared the heck out of me when I was young) and wherever we are, an occasional raised eyebrow is all we get.

When I was younger, I remember reading about how one becomes more invisible to others as aging progresses. I now get to experience that phenomenon, in real life.

All of us have seen older women (and very much older women) holding the arm of another woman and unless one is really butch, we don't think twice about it, do we?

My perspective on the issue.

Oh, I do hate overt PDA's regardless of gender or sexual identities. My first thought is: "Get a room already"!

[Rockinonahigh]

I live in the north west corner of Louisiana,It is still heavly counted as the bible belt.Now in this year of 2013 it is a bit less likely to get you in trouble for PDA's if you are glbt but not by much.We have three gay bars hear where anything go's,but in public full on spit swaping will get you some big frowns and most probly a word or two from someone that also includes the stright folks around hear.Recently I was in a store where a young stright couple were in the check out line makeing out big time leaveing nothing to the immaganation,they got called down by the manager who saw them as wellas several of the customers in line.Personaly I have no trouble with PDA's as in hand holding,keeping my hand in the small of her back or even sneaking a kiss or two.I am an affectoniate person to a falt I just beleave in treating her like a lady at all times.I also can be a rascally old devile when the time is right...once I was discusing this subject with a group at a pflag meting about how people really form judgements about gay people.I told them being yourself is fantastik,pda's and behavior in public is ok at the right time but there is no substitute for class with good behavior no matter who you are.

[Chinajewelry]

My girlfriend and I went to get tea the other night and then we were kissing in my car. We hear this honking, so we look around and she's like "Are they honking at us?" but I was like "why would they be honking at us..?" This car circled the parking lot, honking obnoxiously, and parked next to us, still honking. We're trying to get back into the moment, you know, but they're staring at us and hanging their heads out the windows. What the hell!? So I rolled down my window and flipped them off. I told them to f*ck off! It didn't discourage these guys though, one of them stuck their head out and actually asked me if he could join us. I thought it was so rude and immature! Would they have done that to a straight couple? I doubt it...

[DMW]

Originally Posted by stargazingboi

So, now I look around..see what I am dealing with...assess the safety and think about those I am with, then deal with it in the best interest of my family.

If my partner is with me and/or the kids..then their safety comes first and for most. So, my pride and F*** you attitude needs to be placed aside.

I really like and agree with what you shared. That is why I shared. Instinctually, I think it is harder to turn the other cheek and walk on. But, when I look at the big picture, tomorrow is more important. That's a win.