Public Displays of Affection (PDA)

[*Anya*]

Things have changed for me, over the years, in my personal experience.

When I was a young lesbian and holding hands with my femme girlfriend, there would always be looks and comments. Sometimes scary ones.

With my long-term ex butch, if I held her hand or her arm; it was much worse. She always was called sir at first, until they saw her bosoms-then, you could almost see the rage cross their faces, as they came to the realization that she was female.

Honestly, I always felt that because I was young and attractive, it particularly pissed off hostile men and teen boys: "what are you doing with her baby, I got something here for you"; as they grabbed their dicks.

What I have really come to grasp, in a very real and concrete way, is that as I age, I do become more invisible to straight (potentially hostile) bio men and that PDA between two older women only rates a passing glance.

My GF has very short salt and pepper hair. More salt than pepper. I clearly no longer look 25 (or 35 or 45 or 55....).

Now, we hold hands frequently (which scared the heck out of me when I was young) and wherever we are, an occasional raised eyebrow is all we get.

When I was younger, I remember reading about how one becomes more invisible to others as aging progresses. I now get to experience that phenomenon, in real life.

All of us have seen older women (and very much older women) holding the arm of another woman and unless one is really butch, we don't think twice about it, do we?

My perspective on the issue.

Oh, I do hate overt PDA's regardless of gender or sexual identities. My first thought is: "Get a room already"!

[easygoingfemme]

I'm not into pda. I'm fine holding hands in public, an arm around me, a quick kiss hello/good-bye but that's enough.

It's interesting to me how it's shifted after only being with women for my life, and now being with a man (trans, but for all public knowledge, he's just a guy). When I was with women I would have the guard up when hand holding, etc, in public. Especially at something like a family event, or around my daughters friends. My ex and I often had absolutely no physical contact in those situations. Now, with homophobia not being an issue, I'm still not into pda because in my opinion and comfort zone for how I present myself, it's just not cool. But I also have some... I don't know- straight guilt/privilege awareness that he and I are pretty darn safe to hold hands, snuggle, etc in public. We laugh about it, about how "normal" we appear, especially when we're walking around with our kids and their friends. But it's still weird to be on the other side.

[Chancie]

Pete and I are very relaxed and physical with each other with a few exceptions.

We don't smooch or hold hands at school events, but I've never seen a teacher show physical affection to their spouse at a school event.

I teach in a small town, and Pete's mother lives in another small town. There are very few kids and parents who haven't seen us fighting in the grocery store, and yesterday, I saw one ex student at a natural foods store and another couple of ex students getting frozen yogurt.

In general, we are a silly pair, often singing and dancing and laughing.

[easygoingfemme]

Originally Posted by Chancie

In general, we are a silly pair, often singing and dancing and laughing.

Now that, I can get behind. We do a lot of that. Especially when in public with the kids. Because they are teenagers and very fun to embarrass.

[Asari]

Originally Posted by easygoingfemme

I'm not into pda. I'm fine holding hands in public, an arm around me, a quick kiss hello/good-bye but that's enough.

Same here.
As to me it feels more special and intense if I'm showing my affection in private only.
Maybe it's because I have a rather reserved family and cultural background. I don't know.

[lusciouskiwi]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Sometimes scary ones.

With my long-term ex butch, if I held her hand or her arm; it was much worse. She always was called sir at first, until they saw her bosoms-then, you could almost see the rage cross their faces, as they came to the realization that she was female.

This! Exactly Anya. In the case of my ex-butch (nearly 20 years ago now), she had very small breasts and never bothered with any kind of bra. She was a bus driver and the number of people who initially thought she was a man then realised she wasn't and were enraged - the ugly looks on their faces! I don't miss that (only because I've been single for quite some time).

[Nadeest]

I haven't had to deal with this much, yet, as I haven't had a lot of romantic experience since I started transitioning. However, I really don't care too much if people disapprove, if the right person is kissing me. As far as I am concerned, if they start complaining, I'll baptize them at the nearest source of water.

[girllikeu2]

I LOVE touching people. Luckily, I am from a place where it is very acceptable to touch people (people kiss friends and colleagues on the cheek to greet and regularly hug people hello and goodbye) Actually, NOT touching people is considered sort of rude around here.

HOWEVER, there still can be the clenchy reaction to an obvious couple smooching hello or walking down the street hand in hand. I have only ever had ONE very rude experience with an Ex in Texas when we got spit on and followed by a guy who really needed a better thesaurus, but in general I have to say I have been lucky to battle nothing more than the occasional dirty look when I hold hands or snuggle up in a movie theater.

[Femminator]

My wife is not very touchy feelie in public partially because she is a very private person, but also because she has had the crap kicked out of her and her car keyed in the past for being Butch.

We have been together for going on 9 years and it has been difficult for me at times, as I am very affectionate and love for others to know she is my Butch. She is hesitant to show much affection in public still, but she has gotten much better. She will now hold my hand and touch me more in public, if she feels she is in a safe space. She shows her care for me in other ways, hand at my back, carrying packages, opening doors for me, etc. She is getting more comfortable also. I think it has helped that our city is now so large, with many college campuses, and younger Urbanites, who are fine with LGBT people, so they don't bat an eyelash when they see two men or women holding hands. We see it around town more and more everyday.

[DMW]

Great topic and like the comments. For the most part, as an FTM, society perceives me as a biomale. However, one can never be too careful. So, I still think of this. But as a butch I lived it. Just a few points to add.
The one fact that I always come back to (remimd myself of )when it comes to PDA's... one, that i will not always be with her. in addition, any crazy, insecure or jealous person or persons could be watching US. That is what gets to me.
So, i would refrain in certain sitiuations from showing public affection. People would see US together and remember her and I was not always with her.
And really, a fight wouldnt bother me. I know cause i rather enjoy punching people like that.
The part that would freak me out was and is this...I would tell myself...they want to fight you..but, what would they do to her if they got her alone? Not pretty. Fights are nothing compaired to what they would want to do to her.

[stargazingboi]

Originally Posted by DMW

Great topic and like the comments. For the most part, as an FTM, society perceives me as a biomale. However, one can never be too careful. So, I still think of this. But as a butch I lived it. Just a few points to add.
The one fact that I always come back to (remimd myself of )when it comes to PDA's... one, that i will not always be with her. in addition, any crazy, insecure or jealous person or persons could be watching US. That is what gets to me.
So, i would refrain in certain sitiuations from showing public affection. People would see US together and remember her and I was not always with her.
And really, a fight wouldnt bother me. I know cause i rather enjoy punching people like that.
The part that would freak me out was and is this...I would tell myself...they want to fight you..but, what would they do to her if they got her alone? Not pretty. Fights are nothing compaired to what they would want to do to her.

good point...but it brings to mind other things that I have listened to from others I know. Those things you worried about happening to her...would be the sort of people that would do the same thing to a butch/tg/ftm (that has not completed surgery).

Just want to put that out there.. just because a person is masculine by nature does not protect them from that sort of vile attack.

the movie...Boys Don't Cry...is a prime example