Auntie Diva's Story Time

[Diva]

Good afternoon, boys and girls, and gather 'round.....it's time for another story from your Auntie Diva!!!!

Well, today, boys and girls, your cousin Berry came to Auntie Diva's house and brought lunch. YUM, boys and girls, YUM! We feasted on fajitas and rice and beans.....I may have mentioned that it was all YUM...but somehow, when it's free, it's even YUMMIER!


We didn't really know what we wanted to do, but we knew we wanted to create SOME sort of mischief. It's just best that we admit that right up front, boys and girls because, try as we might, it's gonna happen ANYway. (That's because your cousin Berry is of the devil...yes...from THAT side of the family ~ and it cannot be helped. I just go along to make her feel better about herself.)

But I digress. Where was I?

We decided to go buy tomato plants. So we went to The Lowe's because that's where the best butches are, boys and girls. What I MEANT to say is they have a better selection of tomatoes.



SO......we arrived and were immediately drawn to the lovely flowers. Bloom, little Lowe's, bloom! Your cousin Berry ~ of course ~ commented (in a lascivious manner) about the BIG BOY tomatoes. She is naughty. But there were no pecan trees around, and I just didn't feel right about sawing off a branch of a baby tree there at The Lowe's. So I let it go. For now.

Your Auntie Diva found 4 lovely little tomato plants that would do just fine.

And a sweet potato vine.

And some periwinkles.

And some petunias.

And some tomato stakes.

And a squirrel~proof bird feeder.

And a lime green chain saw.




WHAT?

Yes, boys and girls, it's true! Your Auntie Diva purchased a lime green chain saw for all those branches she needs for switchin' naughty cousin~butts.

But in the meantime.....we also went on a quest for a special kind of hook to hold the brooms in my laundry room, but found them not.

We ran into a nice young man who did his best to point us in the right direction....and in a manner of speaking, he did. We once were lost, but then were found by 3 butches who JUST HAPPENED to work there and came to our aid when cousin Shari tried to lead me down the wrong way.

Shari wanted to go back to the nice young man as she was convinced he had a Jamaican accent. (There was NO Jamaican accent, boys and girls. He was from Dallas.) Not only THAT, but this nice young man did not know the difference between his teals and his lime greens, OR his magentas from his reds.......it was disappointing.

In the meantime, I did my BEST to describe the KIND of broom hooks I wanted. They were not there. I KNOW they exist (Do not try to tell me they do not, boys and girls, for your Auntie Diva has purchased them before!) so I was a tad dispondent and dejected. Every laundry room needs some good broom hooks. It just does.

ANYway, the broom hooks......we didn't find them.

I'm not quite sure what the timeline WAS, but amidst all of that confusion, we discovered the lime green chain saw! IT IS SO CUTE! I had to have it. It has a 2~year warranty, so that means I have 2 years to break it. Break it IN, I mean. Break it IN!

Your Auntie Diva is UBER excited about her new chain saw and have included a lovely picture of one very similar to the one I bought. I will cut a swatch of trees, the likes of which this neighborhood has never seen before, boys and girls.

Now...I know you're asking yourselves.....WOW, Auntie Diva.....did You go HOME after this? Wasn't this enough entertainment and merriment for one day?

And one might think SO. But on our way back to your Auntie Diva's homestead, we dropped by the McDonald's to get a cold dring. We were witness to 2 interesting homeless men, trying to claim their corner. It was a heated battle, boys and girls, and the fingers were flying.

Then we turned the corner.

As we're listening to our music and laughing and talking, Al Green came on and your cousin Shari may or may not have put her hand on your Auntie Diva's thigh.

Your cousin Shari was confused, boys and girls. VERY confused. And she was driving, too!

And that's the story of your cousin Berry and your Auntie Diva's Expeditionistical Trip to the Lowe's Land.


Signed,
Your Auntie Diva, Chainsaw Madwoman

[Rect]

Originally Posted by Diva

And a lime green chain saw.


WHAT?

Yes, boys and girls, it's true! Your Auntie Diva purchased a lime green chain saw for all those branches she needs for switchin' naughty cousin~butts.

I think you need a hot hunky camera man on staff to snap pictures of you wielding that lime green chainsaw for...uhm...switchin' purpose.

[Diva]

Originally Posted by Rect

I think you need a hot hunky camera man on staff to snap pictures of you wielding that lime green chainsaw for...uhm...switchin' purpose.

That's a great idea!

Have You a camera?

[Gemme]

Perhaps the poor man was color-blind?

[Diva]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Perhaps the poor man was color-blind?

Bless his little non~Jamaican heart........

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Diva

Bless his little non~Jamaican heart........

Well, you know those Dallas-non-Jamaicans.....

[Liam]

It really makes me nervous to see that lovely chain saw's blade over the power cord; just sayin'.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Liam

It really makes me nervous to see that lovely chain saw's blade over the power cord; just sayin'.

That's not Diva's. It's just a pic of one like it so we'd know what she got.

She knows not to put the blade on a cord.

[Diva]

....or my foot.


.....or my eyelashes.

[Ryobi]

Diva, I'm impressed by your ability to find lime green EVERYthing. I wish I could see "The Sawyer Diva" in action. When you get good at it, I'll lend you my climbing gear for the top. It's lime green, too.


(just think of the size pile of ass-whoopers you'll have. Maybe a few of us will have to brush up on being naughty.)