Ask a trans person!

[psykftm]

Hey there,

sorry if this question was already asked, I'm just tired of reading forums, and want to talk about this shit because all I ever think about is gender stuff, and whether I am a butch, or whether I might actually be a dude in 3 years/if I always was a dude. I think its funny that most people at least know what fucking gender they are, despite all their other uncertainties and problems. Not to say that gender issues cause the ultimate suffering, I'm just saying DAMN.

Question 1. Any ftm ever experience absolutely having to buy male only products? This used to drive my gf (now my ex) crazy. Has to be male shampoo, and when I found out I'm itching constantly because of dry skin, I was devastated that I had to go from super manly looking Axe to boring grey gillete, although its still "looks" manly. Its like I'm paranoid of being perceived as feminine?

If I had money and wasn't as aware of my overcompensation, you know that huge F350 going down the road with spikes in the rims and balls hanging and alla that? ...yeah that would be me lol.

Question 2. I've just now started throwing the idea around in my head about transitioning. But, I am a psychologist before any gender lol, and I say this because I heard this rumor (I think off of becoming chaz) that you become more "manlike" with the not listening to your partner's emotional problems and writing them off as illogical and alla that bullshit. (I mean, when you start taking T.) Personally, I think it IS bullshit, because females can be just as non-validating or whatever you want to call that dynamic, as a male. But, if there is any chance at all of me becoming less in tune to what people are feeling, fuck transitioning with a ten foot pole, no freakin way. Psychology is my passion.

Question 3. I have never been around, hung out with, or maybe even held a conversation with a femme. I don't know any femmes. I am attracted to butches and ftms, and I really don't even give a crap if I turn out to be a gay male after transitioning. Whatever. But, what in the world am I going to do if I get a really feminine client? I feel like I have this gaping hole in experiences, and I fear that I might actually have an aversion to feminine females altogether. Or something. What is up with that? Any ftms have this experience?

I don't consciously, intentionally sit here and think "I don't want anything to do with femmes" just to be clear, I just, this second, realized I don't know anyone who is.

I'll be honest and throw out there that my grandma who adopted and raised me was a straight, Conservative, antigay and (I swear to god anti-masculinty it seems) feminine individual. I was forced into dresses, and she tried to get me to mold into basic female stereotyped chores like cleaning(?), while I was out in the back yard trying to learn how to start a lawn mower.

Oye this is a lot of stuff that has been in my head for awhile, would like to know myself one day for sure.

Anyone relate or have thoughts?

[Linus]

Originally Posted by psykbutch

Hey there,

sorry if this question was already asked, I'm just tired of reading forums, and want to talk about this shit because all I ever think about is gender stuff, and whether I am a butch, or whether I might actually be a dude in 3 years/if I always was a dude. I think its funny that most people at least know what fucking gender they are, despite all their other uncertainties and problems. Not to say that gender issues cause the ultimate suffering, I'm just saying DAMN.

Question 1. Any ftm ever experience absolutely having to buy male only products? This used to drive my gf (now my ex) crazy. Has to be male shampoo, and when I found out I'm itching constantly because of dry skin, I was devastated that I had to go from super manly looking Axe to boring grey gillete, although its still "looks" manly. Its like I'm paranoid of being perceived as feminine?

If I had money and wasn't as aware of my overcompensation, you know that huge F350 going down the road with spikes in the rims and balls hanging and alla that? ...yeah that would be me lol.

Question 2. I've just now started throwing the idea around in my head about transitioning. But, I am a psychologist before any gender lol, and I say this because I heard this rumor (I think off of becoming chaz) that you become more "manlike" with the not listening to your partner's emotional problems and writing them off as illogical and alla that bullshit. (I mean, when you start taking T.) Personally, I think it IS bullshit, because females can be just as non-validating or whatever you want to call that dynamic, as a male. But, if there is any chance at all of me becoming less in tune to what people are feeling, fuck transitioning with a ten foot pole, no freakin way. Psychology is my passion.

Question 3. I have never been around, hung out with, or maybe even held a conversation with a femme. I don't know any femmes. I am attracted to butches and ftms, and I really don't even give a crap if I turn out to be a gay male after transitioning. Whatever. But, what in the world am I going to do if I get a really feminine client? I feel like I have this gaping hole in experiences, and I fear that I might actually have an aversion to feminine females altogether. Or something. What is up with that? Any ftms have this experience?

I don't consciously, intentionally sit here and think "I don't want anything to do with femmes" just to be clear, I just, this second, realized I don't know anyone who is.

I'll be honest and throw out there that my grandma who adopted and raised me was a straight, Conservative, antigay and (I swear to god anti-masculinty it seems) feminine individual. I was forced into dresses, and she tried to get me to mold into basic female stereotyped chores like cleaning(?), while I was out in the back yard trying to learn how to start a lawn mower.

Oye this is a lot of stuff that has been in my head for awhile, would like to know myself one day for sure.

Anyone relate or have thoughts?

1. Yes, i do look for male promoted products. Keep in mind that they aren't "male only". (with the exception of testosterone and the likes of Viagra). They are advertised to male-oriented individuals. As for Axe, they do have quite a few versions for dry skin (http://amzn.to/15j0Yr7) it just may be your local store doesn't carry them or sells out.

2. Yes and no. For the most part you are right that not much changes as a lot of it was before. I did notice one thing in particular: my ability to cry. You know those commercials about animals in need? Those would normally have me bawling. These days not even a twinge. It's really weird and freaked me out the first time. Entirely anecdotal, I've noticed a lack of emotions or a dulling of emotions. Doesn't mean that I don't experience them. I think how we express them does change.

3. You will always have gaping holes in experience because you cannot experience everything that happens in the world. Without knowing your background I can bet you've never experienced my life even if we're both transmen. The more important question, IMO, is the ability to listen and be compassionate, not necessarily shared experience.

Anyways, hope that helps.

[DapperButch]

1. I buy all male products and I am not male (I am TG) There are female ID'd people who buy men's products. There are feminine people who buy men's products. I wouldn't look at this as defined who you are. I have been thinking about gender for 15+ years. Unfortunately, for some of us it is not clear and not binary. Although I love who I am (TG not TS), life would certainly be a lot easier if I just went on hormones. Taking T would fit for me in some ways, in some ways it would not. Top surgery is a different discussion, however.

2. Anecdotal evidence abounds I what Linus said. Emotions are described as being more muted (I am a gender therapist so I see guys pre-T and after), but it is not like compassion and other emotions disappear.

3. I don't really get this not being able to relate to feminine people, and wondering how you would do with a feminine client. You call yourself a psychologist. A psychologist has their doctorate in Psychology. Do you have your Ph.D. or Psy.D. ? I am just confused because I don't know anyone who has even completed even an Associates degree without having worked with clients prior to graduation.

Good luck on your journey. Sometimes it takes a while. Also, don't forget to step away from it and just live life. I promise it will circle back around!

[Nadeest]

First off, I am an mtf, and femme. In a lot of ways, we are on parallel paths, but with both similarities and differences. I cannot say as to whether you are butch or ftm, as that is something that you will have to discover for yourself.

Question 1: I tend to buy female products only, though, at times, I have been forced to purchase male clothing ( workboots and socks).

In one of my culinary classes, I was required to wear black pants, and a white, button down shirt with a tie. This was because I was working as a server, during that class period. I was unable to find any female clothing that would work for me, while fitting the requirements, so I obtained and wore male clothing for that first class. That did not work well for me, at all. I was barely able to handle one table, let alone the three or four tables that was expected of me. It was just very, very difficult for me to function, at all, that day.

The next class period that I had to work as a server, I just plain skipped. I was not about to go anywhere, dressed like that. Fortunately, I was able to find some clothing that would work for me, and still fufill the requirements for the class after that.

My point is, is that I can understand, a tiny bit, of how you feel. In this area, we are similar.

As for Question 2, I suggest that you talk with an experienced gender therapist. They can probably give you some good advice, in this matter.

On Question 3, give yourself time. You will probably start meeting them, if you open yourself to the possibilities. As for what do you do, if you have a femme for a client; what do you do if you have someone with a problem that you have no experience with?

[psykftm]

@Linus: On question number one, true on the "male promoted" verses male only products, I was trying to say that but it didn't come out right; your wording is much better lol

What you said about question 2 really does make me pause for a second. I really don't want anything about how I express my feelings or anything to do with it to change. Thanks for the input, I'm thinking I want to be cautious with that aspect, and do research on it. On question 3, very true, yeah it would suck if I had to experience everything lol.

@Dapperbutch: TG means third gender, and not transgender, right? I have not looked into third gender at all, maybe I should. And dang my wording was all crazy yesterday, I was such a mess-I only have my bachelors in psychology, so fortunately I still have a lot of time to work on myself. I was thinking in the futuristic sense, imagining having a femme client and messing up somehow. I don't think its a realistic fear, unless I'm sexist or something, that would not be good. I don't think I am though...I don't know, I'm still a mess. Your a gender therapist? Pretty cool. I have a therapist, but I don't think she understands, she's not specifically a gender therapist.

The muting of emotions is not comforting, but I've also never experienced it. That is a huge risk to me though. I really don't know how anyone can step away from the gender stuff when you're reminded every freakin day the second someone calls you ma'am or baby or any of that other crap, and anything else that goes along with being a female in society. I hate it. It's not just about social issues for me, its my own body as well. I don't know how to escape this gender stuff.

@Nadeest: thanks for responding! It kills me when you say you've been forced to where mens clothing...if I was ever forced into anything female related again I'd freak out. I'm glad you're able to hang in there. Its such an extreme for me, I piss a lot of people off with that. The server thing...what a nightmare! Dang I wish people would become more gender aware.

A gender therapist would be great, maybe I could find one that has a sliding scale or something, because my insurance won't cover mental related stuff.


Thanks to all of you for responding. I don't know how to reply back all neat and organized, but I definitely have some things to consider.

[DapperButch]

TG means transgender, not third gender. TS means transexual (FTM/MTF)

You can search for a qualified gender therapist here wpath.org

[Nadeest]

You are very welcome, psykbush. I am happy to be able to help you, even a little bit.

You do have a fair possibility of finding a gender therapist that accepts a sliding scale. I've had two of them, so far, since I started transitioning.

TG does mean transgender, as DapperButch mentioned, but there is also another category that people use to describe themselves, at times. This is known as: gender queer. I don't really know how to explain it, though, at least not right now. Perhaps someone that is more articulate then I can step in and explain it for you.

Look, there are prices to pay for every choice that we make. There are also the tiny details that we find out about, AFTER we venture into something new. This is definitely true in transition.

For example, I recently bought a swimsuit for the first time since I transitioned. I tried it out this past weekend, at the park pool. Unfortunately, I stayed too long at the pool and managed to obtain a sunburn (not too severe, fortunately). This suit happened to be a one piece swimsuit.

When I went to put on my bra, yesterday, I encountered one of those tiny little details, I'm afraid. As I'm sure that many of you know, it is absolutely NO fun to wear a bra over a sunburn. :P

Don't worry overmuch about the muting of emotions yet. First, hie thee to a gender therapist to help you sort things out. This will help you gain the information that you seem to need, right now. Then you can begin to make any decisions that are needed.