"Adult Only" or "Childless Weddings"

apretty · 09-04-2013, 12:36 PM

I'm eager for a child-free personal space at any given time. Unless it's an exceptional, well-read and mannered child that's not extremely attached to a personal electronic device--but that applies to adults, too.

Words · 09-04-2013, 02:39 PM

HB, LOVE the description of your wedding.

O/our wedding in Vancouver was done on a budget too (all of it was arranged with Blue in the States and me in Israel so eBay was definitely O/our friend), and apart from U/us, the only people there were the marriage officiant and two volunteer witnesses (one of the first same sex couples to get married in Canada who acted as witnesses for couples from other countries). It was beautiful and although I know that both O/our familes would have liked to be present what mattered to U/us was that W/we were married even if, at that point, W/we were unable to live in the same country.

So, my view on adult only/childless weddings is no different to my view on weddings in general, i.e., that folks should respect the wishes of the couple involved, be it in regard to the guest list, the venue, or any other aspect of the day. They don't have to 'approve', but they should at least respect the fact that it's not their day to plan.

Words

Ginger · 09-04-2013, 07:10 PM

I can't get past the fact that someone said she can't go to a wedding because she can't get childcare.

Usually you have a couple months or more lead time before a wedding. To be so isolated you can't find someone to watch your kids in that amount of time, or to not be able to save up for a few hours of childcare in that amount of time isn't that unusual, I guess. But wow. That feels harsh.

MsTinkerbelly · 09-04-2013, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I can't get past the fact that someone said she can't go to a wedding because she can't get childcare.

Usually you have a couple months or more lead time before a wedding. To be so isolated you can't find someone to watch your kids in that amount of time, or to not be able to save up for a few hours of childcare in that amount of time isn't that unusual, I guess. But wow. That feels harsh.

I am lucky that my wife and i make a good living, but i know people who go without food and medicine so their children can eat a meal a day. Easy for us to say that someone could save for childcare, or find a sitter that won't molest our kids...not everyone has a support system.

Martina · 09-04-2013, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

I am lucky that my wife and i make a good living, but i know people who go without food and medicine so their children can eat a meal a day. Easy for us to say that someone could save for childcare, or find a sitter that won't molest our kids...not everyone has a support system.

I also know people who don't travel without their kids, and a lot of weddings require travel. Many people do not leave their young children for two days at a time. Friends of mine have a child with severe allergies, allergies that can be fatal. They prefer to supervise what their child eats. Leaving him with others requires a lot of training and a lot of faith. In my opinion a wedding may not be worth the worry.

Martina · 09-04-2013, 10:18 PM

Maybe I live a boring middle class life, but most people I know with kids do NOT live near their parents, so they are raising their kids more or less on their own. Not ideal, but common.

Nor do they necessarily live near siblings, cousins and dear friends. Many -- no, most -- have moved for jobs or spouse's jobs. So weddings almost always mean travel. My friends, whom I met in real time, when we all lived in the same town(s), now live all over the United States. The closest relative I have is seven hours away.

For many many people, serious back-up child-care -- the kind you trust your kids with overnight or for a couple of days -- is not down the street with an extended family member.

Leaving your young children overnight or for two nights with someone you are paying. . . . really iffy. And leaving your kids with friends for that length of time is a big BIG favor.

Traveling with kids is difficult. Traveling without them is often almost impossible.

Ginger · 09-05-2013, 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

I am lucky that my wife and i make a good living, but i know people who go without food and medicine so their children can eat a meal a day. Easy for us to say that someone could save for childcare, or find a sitter that won't molest our kids...not everyone has a support system.

I wasn't saying they could save for a sitter and were choosing not to.

Or maybe that's not what you were saying I was saying (confusing, sorry).

Anyway, perhaps unnecessarily, I'll clarify and say, I was just saying, I feel bad for anyone in that situation who is isolated or without options.

I lived with someone with a kid for 2.3 years. We were very isolated, with no childcare options, and never did anything together, just us, for us. A wedding that excluded kids, we would have declined. It's a moot point now, but I'll always have more empathy for people in that situation because of it.

That said, I think people have a right to make their wedding be any kind of event they want, with kids, without, whatever. I would never resent that.

Ravenouss · 09-05-2013, 07:57 PM

I have never been to an “adult only” wedding. In fact, I had never even heard of it. Perhaps it is cultural. Where I come from, weddings are an all-inclusive family affair and everyone is expected to show up: grandparents, children, aunties, etc. Even neighbors!

In this country, however, I’ve grown accustomed to different weddings with invitations and RSVPs. Understandable: it is expensive to get married in the U.S. with all the expectations around it from the marrying parties to the attending guests. It is common to spend 20K, 40, 100k or more!

One’s wedding – even if one is swimming in cash -- is their own , and one has the right to invite whoever they want. I might be very sheltered, however, to think that I know no one who would exclude my children!

If I ever received an adult-only invitation, I would understand it. I would send a gift, offer my sincere best wishes for a life of happiness and politely decline to attend.

Martina · 09-05-2013, 08:23 PM

I don't resent other people's choices. I admire their creativity. But don't expect me or mine to go through real hardship unless we decide to. I have been big time guilt tripped for not wanting to travel when I did not have vacation time. So for one wedding, I was out the travel money and my pay. (For that one, I bit the bullet and attended.) The next month was a joy -- financially.

People in the U.S. DO often expect a lot. I have known a lot of wonderful couples making lovely welcoming arrangements. And I have known a few -- even good friends -- who don't get it that their wedding is not perhaps worth others' financial hardship or others worrying about their kids.

That is what I don't get and never will. Is there something about a wedding that brings out otherwise good people's inner narcissist?

09-04-2013, 12:36 PM	#1
apretty Senior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: sea shell Relationship Status: married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: san diego Posts: 1,687 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,927 Thanked 4,373 Times in 1,012 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I prefer dogs. I'm eager for a child-free personal space at any given time. Unless it's an exceptional, well-read and mannered child that's not extremely attached to a personal electronic device--but that applies to adults, too.

09-04-2013, 07:10 PM	#3
Ginger Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: East coast Posts: 2,416 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,829 Thanked 12,296 Times in 2,057 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I can't get past the fact that someone said she can't go to a wedding because she can't get childcare. Usually you have a couple months or more lead time before a wedding. To be so isolated you can't find someone to watch your kids in that amount of time, or to not be able to save up for a few hours of childcare in that amount of time isn't that unusual, I guess. But wow. That feels harsh. __________________ Reach out.

09-05-2013, 07:57 PM	#8
Ravenouss Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: There might be many princesses in a kingdom, but only one Queen! Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Washington, D.C. Posts: 62 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 121 Thanked 129 Times in 40 Posts Rep Power: 1644236	I have never been to an “adult only” wedding. In fact, I had never even heard of it. Perhaps it is cultural. Where I come from, weddings are an all-inclusive family affair and everyone is expected to show up: grandparents, children, aunties, etc. Even neighbors! In this country, however, I’ve grown accustomed to different weddings with invitations and RSVPs. Understandable: it is expensive to get married in the U.S. with all the expectations around it from the marrying parties to the attending guests. It is common to spend 20K, 40, 100k or more! One’s wedding – even if one is swimming in cash -- is their own , and one has the right to invite whoever they want. I might be very sheltered, however, to think that I know no one who would exclude my children! If I ever received an adult-only invitation, I would understand it. I would send a gift, offer my sincere best wishes for a life of happiness and politely decline to attend. __________________ A chacun sa chimere... Baudelaire

09-04-2013, 02:39 PM	#2
Words Member How Do You Identify?: Queer femme submissive Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: UK Posts: 969 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,449 Thanked 4,258 Times in 677 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	HB, LOVE the description of your wedding. O/our wedding in Vancouver was done on a budget too (all of it was arranged with Blue in the States and me in Israel so eBay was definitely O/our friend), and apart from U/us, the only people there were the marriage officiant and two volunteer witnesses (one of the first same sex couples to get married in Canada who acted as witnesses for couples from other countries). It was beautiful and although I know that both O/our familes would have liked to be present what mattered to U/us was that W/we were married even if, at that point, W/we were unable to live in the same country. So, my view on adult only/childless weddings is no different to my view on weddings in general, i.e., that folks should respect the wishes of the couple involved, be it in regard to the guest list, the venue, or any other aspect of the day. They don't have to 'approve', but they should at least respect the fact that it's not their day to plan. Words

09-04-2013, 10:18 PM	#6
Martina Senior Member How Do You Identify?: * Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: * Posts: 4,999 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,409 Thanked 18,283 Times in 4,166 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Maybe I live a boring middle class life, but most people I know with kids do NOT live near their parents, so they are raising their kids more or less on their own. Not ideal, but common. Nor do they necessarily live near siblings, cousins and dear friends. Many -- no, most -- have moved for jobs or spouse's jobs. So weddings almost always mean travel. My friends, whom I met in real time, when we all lived in the same town(s), now live all over the United States. The closest relative I have is seven hours away. For many many people, serious back-up child-care -- the kind you trust your kids with overnight or for a couple of days -- is not down the street with an extended family member. Leaving your young children overnight or for two nights with someone you are paying. . . . really iffy. And leaving your kids with friends for that length of time is a big BIG favor. Traveling with kids is difficult. Traveling without them is often almost impossible.

09-05-2013, 08:23 PM	#9
Martina Senior Member How Do You Identify?: * Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: * Posts: 4,999 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,409 Thanked 18,283 Times in 4,166 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I don't resent other people's choices. I admire their creativity. But don't expect me or mine to go through real hardship unless we decide to. I have been big time guilt tripped for not wanting to travel when I did not have vacation time. So for one wedding, I was out the travel money and my pay. (For that one, I bit the bullet and attended.) The next month was a joy -- financially. People in the U.S. DO often expect a lot. I have known a lot of wonderful couples making lovely welcoming arrangements. And I have known a few -- even good friends -- who don't get it that their wedding is not perhaps worth others' financial hardship or others worrying about their kids. That is what I don't get and never will. Is there something about a wedding that brings out otherwise good people's inner narcissist?