Adult Children Moving Home

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Lady Pamela

Back when I had my house. I had several times this happened.

I told my children to make sure they kept up whatever space they were in
Help with house chores to lighten my load.
Take turns making dinner and meals.
If they had children, Then to make sure al soiled laundry and diapers were taken care of.
I also asked for a bill to be taken care of.
And that money from each check while working was to go into a bank account or to me to save so that they could become self sufficient quicker.
As far as child sitting..I assisted of course. But I did not allow them to take advantage of that. "Unless I chose to of course."

If they had no job at the time, it was set that they would be looking strongly monday thru friday untill one was found.
Also that they would not have company over unless it was agreed on by all involved.

The trick is to keep it as calm and normal as possible,
And to respect each others personal time and space.

Not every time was so calm but for the most part, things ran smooth.

Also we decided that if there was an issue, no one would set on it. It would be brought to the table and handled.

As for times in and out. The only issue I had was respecting my sleep/quiet time.
That is very important to me so it is something I was very stern on.
Having understanding that they were an adult also helped that. So long as they were very quiet late night.
And that if they chose to party etc., That it was done later in the evening when all was done and preferably on the weekend when it didn't get in the wy of work or school.

But on the flip side, it was also a great time to re-conncet on a deeper level for a bit.
Sometimes this didnt happen but I tried very hard to use the time to build great relationships with them.
It also gave me quality time with my grandbabies.

There were times this wasn't so peachy but eventually we worked things out.

This wasn't a;ways easy but it was worth it to see my children secure, safe and progressing.

Pam, I really like the way you handed things when they were home. It sounds like you set it up where they had guidelines one might have with a child or an employee, but at the same time you operated with them on an adult to adult level. If that makes sense.

[stepfordfemme]

I want to call into question some things that are being said in this particular thread.

First, I would like to point out that the education system has failed my generation in many ways. I, personally, don't believe in the whole self esteem movement --in terms of children not failing, taking exams, etc. But I would also say that the other fundamental problem of education in the 90s/2000s --was it became normal for people to pay for training in whatever form-- *at their own expense*

It's easy for the baby boomers and the generation after to point fingers at my generation, saying its our fault that we are underemployed or whatever twist on it they would like to call it. The reality is twentysomethings are faced with a job crunch two fold. Baby boomers are staying working longer (for many reasons) & we are forced to shell out massive amounts of money to get advanced education for even entry level jobs. It used to be possible to start at the bottom and work your way into training, experience and security. Ha!!!! I've applied for entry level jobs that REQUIRED a 4 year degree that the starting wage was laughable. Job security is a thing of the past. Company loyalty is almost nonexistent because we saw our parents get laid off from companies that they had worked for after 10,15, 20+ years. We know uncertainty, because it happened to us.

It is not unheard of to spend tens of thousands to get a trades education--never heard of in previous generations! Companies used to PAY their tradespeople to get certified. Now pay for it yourself, and be unemployed for your 8 months of school!
Want to be a professional? Better be ready to pay 1/3 of your salary for the next 10 years for those two or three degrees.

Remember when there were massive cuts in the 80s and 90s and 00s to primary education and advanced education? Hello Reaganomics & that little ballon of government debt for two wars? Not to mention the looming retirement crisis? Last I checked those cuts benefited previous generations, not mine.


Yeah, those are only some of the reasons that college educated twentysomethings are having a hard time finding jobs.
Those of us that are LUCKY enough to finish post secondary education end up taking less than stellar jobs after university and are saddled with hefty student loan debt.

My generation was told to work hard in school. Go to university. Get a good job.

But it wasn't all flowers and roses afterwards-- please keep that in mind before you paint us all with the same brush. We were freshly minted graduates when that big ole recession hit.

I'd rather talk about some of the real reasons unemployment (and the after effect of moving back in with your parents) is so high for my generation--- lack of training by corporations passing the buck on to the worker for higher profits, real working wages, disappearance of unions, the student loan bubble , debt in society, the list keeps growing...

--a girl who had to move back in with mommy temporarily after university to survive.

[DapperButch]

Hi, stepfordfemme!

I am really glad that you joined the thread. I don't think there is a thing you said in your post I would argue.

For clarification, I was speaking to adult children who were not seeking out education, are not actively looking for work that could result in sustaining themselves outside of their parents home, and/or are not contributing to the home financially when they are able to. Completely different than what you are talking about. I believe that this is what others in the thread were speaking to, as well, unless otherwise noted (such as Martina's post).

To help with context, did you go to grade/high school in Canada and is that where you live now?

[Martina]

Not at all a derail stepfordfemme. I agree completely. It's an entirely different world than when I was coming up.

[stepfordfemme]

Originally Posted by Martina

Not at all a derail stepfordfemme. I agree completely. It's an entirely different world than when I was coming up.

Totally appreciated your comments in one of your earlier posts as well.
It's hard to quote every point from previous --that it is a failing of the education system at times.

It takes a lot of humility sometimes for people to ask for help from family.

My personal experience was temporary, but I have several friends post degree that haven't had their lucky break to leave the nest due to their student loan debt. My university roomie pursued her passion in the fine arts-- but now she is working two part time jobs and running an online business from her parents place to A) do what she loves B) pay what she owes.

I'm not saying that we all made wise decisions in our degrees or our choices, but the return to nest is often a necessary evil.

[stepfordfemme]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Hi, stepfordfemme!

I am really glad that you joined the thread. I don't think there is a thing you said in your post I would argue.

For clarification, I was speaking to adult children who were not seeking out education, are not actively looking for work that could result in sustaining themselves outside of their parents home, and/or are not contributing to the home financially when they are able to. Completely different than what you are talking about. I believe that this is what others in the thread were speaking to, as well, unless otherwise noted (such as Martina's post).

To help with context, did you go to grade/high school in Canada and is that where you live now?

It was your post that was actually my starting point, so I'm glad you responded.

I think it is important to contribute to a household- in whatever form. But here is where households get blurry at times. If parents do not treat their children as "tenants" are children automatically responsible to pay them rent?
I think that is the point where children and adults need to have discussions around what the expectations are of them living in the household as adults.
It's a negotiation that goes both ways. If it's a free ride-- it's a choice of the house owners. It is no different than relationships when one partner foots bills and the other can be perceived as a big mooch. It's an enabler and a user relationship. No one likes to be taken for granted.

I personally do not view that as a generational issue and that's where my concern came from with the description of the "twentysomethings"


For context, I am Canadian. I attended public schools, equivalent to what is a "state school" university, and one private school (post degree- paid for by working two low paying jobs, my own blood sweat and tears money). I am debt free --because I took a career path that paid well, completely unrelated to what I want to do. I am right now working on going back for a graduate level degree which I'll end up borrowing for, to do what I love. I gave up and worked incredibly hard for the majority of my twenties to pay back for my undergrad.

When I graduated I was lucky enough that my mother (who did not actively contribute to my education due to low income and later permanent disability)-- offered me a temporary situation to get a nest egg built up so I could move to more feasible place to find employment. I moved to a big city and here I am. My mom kicked me out at one point in high school for being queer. We don't see eye to eye, but I gritted my teeth and took her help.



I think the next ten to twenty years will be interesting for us all. There was an interesting article that I read discussing the sandwich generation. Where inter generational housing situations will become the norm. I wish I could find to link at the moment because it would be a great point to continue discussion. In summary, there is and will continue to be a group that will have their parents and children living all under one roof---to due prohibitive costs of home ownership and facilities for seniors who need constant care.

Many retirees will also be looking for help when they are going into retirement with debt and are forced to stop working. I hope that their children will be able to find themselves better off in terms of responsibility and financially to help their parents out.

Great discussion!

[julieisafemme]

I am a sandwich child. My siblings and I just spent the last year taking care of our Mom during her terminal illness and raising our own kids.

It is so funny that you mention that because in my post I said I hope my daughter does not come to live with me but then I was thinking when you posted that well she better take me in!

I do though as a parent believe that my number one priority is to take care of my own retirement so that my daughter won't have to.

Originally Posted by stepfordfemme

It was your post that was actually my starting point, so I'm glad you responded.

I think it is important to contribute to a household- in whatever form. But here is where households get blurry at times. If parents do not treat their children as "tenants" are children automatically responsible to pay them rent?
I think that is the point where children and adults need to have discussions around what the expectations are of them living in the household as adults.
It's a negotiation that goes both ways. If it's a free ride-- it's a choice of the house owners. It is no different than relationships when one partner foots bills and the other can be perceived as a big mooch. It's an enabler and a user relationship. No one likes to be taken for granted.

I personally do not view that as a generational issue and that's where my concern came from with the description of the "twentysomethings"


For context, I am Canadian. I attended public schools, equivalent to what is a "state school" university, and one private school (post degree- paid for by working two low paying jobs, my own blood sweat and tears money). I am debt free --because I took a career path that paid well, completely unrelated to what I want to do. I am right now working on going back for a graduate level degree which I'll end up borrowing for, to do what I love. I gave up and worked incredibly hard for the majority of my twenties to pay back for my undergrad.

When I graduated I was lucky enough that my mother (who did not actively contribute to my education due to low income and later permanent disability)-- offered me a temporary situation to get a nest egg built up so I could move to more feasible place to find employment. I moved to a big city and here I am. My mom kicked me out at one point in high school for being queer. We don't see eye to eye, but I gritted my teeth and took her help.



I think the next ten to twenty years will be interesting for us all. There was an interesting article that I read discussing the sandwich generation. Where inter generational housing situations will become the norm. I wish I could find to link at the moment because it would be a great point to continue discussion. In summary, there is and will continue to be a group that will have their parents and children living all under one roof---to due prohibitive costs of home ownership and facilities for seniors who need constant care.

Many retirees will also be looking for help when they are going into retirement with debt and are forced to stop working. I hope that their children will be able to find themselves better off in terms of responsibility and financially to help their parents out.

Great discussion!

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

I do though as a parent believe that my number one priority is to take care of my own retirement so that my daughter won't have to.

This is another topic I have been reading a bit about in the financial magazines. As stepfordfemme noted, the cost of college is ridiculously high now. Historically, parents (for those that were able), typically tried to save for both retirement and pay for their children's education costs. With the crazy high costs of education (and the 2008 stock market drop where many lost half their retirement savings), this is no longer possible.

The question is, would your child prefer you pay for their college and then move in with them when you retire? Or would they prefer you cover your retirement and not live with them during retirement?

Right now the trend is towards parents putting every dime into paying for their children's college and not funding their retirement. The economy/advice experts are suggesting that parents fund their retirement first and then give to the kids what they can for college.

[PoeticSilence]

I was lucky enough that my oldest boy paid for his schooling as he went along while his wife took out loans and her family helped her. She has a lot of debt, and because he lived at home for many years while he worked and paid off his debts, my son has very few. She also has a better job as a physical therapist and he's an accountant.

My daughter was a 4.3 average in H.S. and took out a few loans while going through her first four years of University. She graduated with honors in the field of astrophysics, and was offered a free ride and a thirty thousand dollar a year stipend at John Hopkins while she got her Masters and she's finishing her Doctorate. All she had to do was teach school during that time. She's taken a bit of loans out via credit cards to cover some costs because Baltimore is so expensive, but all in all, she's not doing badly.

When I became disabled, both kids came home immediately. While they were here they helped out and did some clean up for me. I felt more than embarrassed because I'm usually the one that runs everything. I was very comforted though.

My daughter and son spoke at great lengths, when she finishes getting her Doctorate she wants to buy a larger house for me and my wife and all of our pet-family to move in with her, but first she wants to stay here with us while she takes some time off of academia and does something for herself for a while. I suggested maybe doing something like hiking across Europe or maybe taking a year off and teaching on a reservation, or working on a ranch. Anything that will let her unwind and work off the stress of academia.

My kids grew up with me working two jobs to make sure they had what they wanted, even sending them money if they needed it, however I could get it. They are proud of me, they tell me often, and I'm proud of them. School debt is terrible, I'd love to be able to pay my daughters off. She's worked hard to get where she is, and the free ride the last few years has been a big fat help. No matter what happens, I know that if they come home to live with me, or if I go to live with them, it's what we all want.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

This is another topic I have been reading a bit about in the financial magazines. As stepfordfemme noted, the cost of college is ridiculously high now.

...

Right now the trend is towards parents putting every dime into paying for their children's college and not funding their retirement. The economy/advice experts are suggesting that parents fund their retirement first and then give to the kids what they can for college.

Public colleges and universities are still affordable and even though the interest rate on college loans just went up a little, it's still about half the interest most loans incur.

I work in a college where over half the students attend tuition-free because they income qualify. Most of the rest benefit from some kind of scholarship fund and even those who pay full tuition pay only about $4,000 a year.

Start at a community college and save money on your transferable, intro- level classes. Transfer to a public university and meanwhile, research what kind of merit fellowships are out there as you gain credibility with a high GPA and the other stuff you accrue—a record of public service, etc.

Anyway that's what I recommend for people entering college. Unless of course they get some kind of incredible deal at a private college right at the start, based on their remarkable high school record and often, ethnic identity.

My point is, families don't have to lose their savings to put their kids through college. I never knew that till I fell ass backwards into fellowships and later, worked in a public university system.