What TO DO in a relationship.....

girl_dee · 11-02-2013, 08:07 PM

for me, own me.

Nat · 11-03-2013, 07:08 PM

I'm not sure if I came up with this terminology or if I ran into it somewhere, but I do believe there's a "relationship black hole" down which at least some of each party's efforts disappears. So I think it's possible for each party to feel like they are doing more of the work. I try to be mindful of the relationship black hole - that not everything I'd like received will be received and not everything sent my way is something I can appreciate or receive or even notice.

As stated earlier though - I'm not the best at relationships.

girl_dee · 11-06-2013, 08:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nat

I'm not sure if I came up with this terminology or if I ran into it somewhere, but I do believe there's a "relationship black hole" down which at least some of each party's efforts disappears. So I think it's possible for each party to feel like they are doing more of the work. I try to be mindful of the relationship black hole - that not everything I'd like received will be received and not everything sent my way is something I can appreciate or receive or even notice.

As stated earlier though - I'm not the best at relationships.

i am watching this happen in a sister-sister relationship.

Jesse · 11-06-2013, 08:49 PM

Hold hands...
Good, now do it when you are talking about the hard stuff.

Nic · 12-01-2013, 10:07 PM

Don't just say your words and consider the message sent. Circumstances and temperament don't always allow people to absorb what you're saying when you're saying it. Speak your peace slowly and with as much attention to tone as you can muster. If warning bells go off as you're saying something, slow down, back up, stop, say "Let me try to get back on track before I go further." Whatever you have to do to get the right words out in the best way, do it. Don't set someone up in order to tear them down. Don't share opinions and epiphanies hoping for an ego boost in return. Spend energy on the content of the message rather than the gift wrap or how good you look to yourself while you deliver it.

Listen to what you're saying. What you would think if someone approached you with the same message or delivered it in the same tone? When people share hard things, especially if you don't like what they have to say, ask yourself what kind of effort it cost them to share the truth specifically with you? What's it like to face your expression and attitude? What's it like to approach you with bad news or a hard decision? The ability or intention to put yourself in another person's place isn't the same as actually doing it.

What makes anyone worth an investment of vulnerability and trust? Anybody can talk about who they are. Most do so enthusiastically. How many put equal effort into how they go about being who they say they are or how the practice of being themselves impacts others? Everyone has the right an opinion and to be themselves in a genuine way. Doesn't mean we're rewarding anyone by the expression. Best we can hope for is that being true to ourselves encourages someone else to do likewise. Everything else is a crap shoot.

Joness · 12-02-2013, 11:39 AM

Love yourself completely, in a non ego led narcissistic way.
When you believe you are not loveable then this projects onto others in the form of fear and judgemental behaviour.
Have faith in self love, have faith you are loveble, have faith you are worth it . . because you are . . . .
From there love her like you love yourself and give her the space to breathe and freedom to be . . . . .

Sweet Bliss · 01-26-2014, 08:06 AM

When experiencing an angry moment, hold that moment in your mind and ask yourself "When was the first time this situation presented itself? " It's an old button. Find it. Heal it. Enlist the aid of trustworthy allies to help if needed.

11-03-2013, 07:08 PM	#2
Nat Senior Member How Do You Identify?: bigender (DID System) Preferred Pronoun?: he/him or alter-specific Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Central TX Posts: 3,537 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,047 Thanked 13,967 Times in 2,589 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I'm not sure if I came up with this terminology or if I ran into it somewhere, but I do believe there's a "relationship black hole" down which at least some of each party's efforts disappears. So I think it's possible for each party to feel like they are doing more of the work. I try to be mindful of the relationship black hole - that not everything I'd like received will be received and not everything sent my way is something I can appreciate or receive or even notice. As stated earlier though - I'm not the best at relationships. __________________ I'm a fountain of blood. In the shape of a girl. - Bjork What is to give light must endure burning. -Viktor Frankl

11-06-2013, 08:49 PM	#4
Jesse Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Transguy Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: single Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Central West Coast of Florida Posts: 5,204 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 34,866 Thanked 17,783 Times in 3,940 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	Hold hands... Good, now do it when you are talking about the hard stuff. __________________ “You’re so hard on yourself. Take a moment. Sit back. Marvel at your life: at the grief that softened you, at the heartache that widened you, at the suffering that strengthened you. Despite everything, you still grow. Be proud of this.”

12-01-2013, 10:07 PM	#5
Nic Member How Do You Identify?: Male (FtM) Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: I am her North and she is my Star. Join Date: Jun 2013 Location: Northampton, MA Posts: 195 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,029 Thanked 765 Times in 131 Posts Rep Power: 16841396	Don't just say your words and consider the message sent. Circumstances and temperament don't always allow people to absorb what you're saying when you're saying it. Speak your peace slowly and with as much attention to tone as you can muster. If warning bells go off as you're saying something, slow down, back up, stop, say "Let me try to get back on track before I go further." Whatever you have to do to get the right words out in the best way, do it. Don't set someone up in order to tear them down. Don't share opinions and epiphanies hoping for an ego boost in return. Spend energy on the content of the message rather than the gift wrap or how good you look to yourself while you deliver it. Listen to what you're saying. What you would think if someone approached you with the same message or delivered it in the same tone? When people share hard things, especially if you don't like what they have to say, ask yourself what kind of effort it cost them to share the truth specifically with you? What's it like to face your expression and attitude? What's it like to approach you with bad news or a hard decision? The ability or intention to put yourself in another person's place isn't the same as actually doing it. What makes anyone worth an investment of vulnerability and trust? Anybody can talk about who they are. Most do so enthusiastically. How many put equal effort into how they go about being who they say they are or how the practice of being themselves impacts others? Everyone has the right an opinion and to be themselves in a genuine way. Doesn't mean we're rewarding anyone by the expression. Best we can hope for is that being true to ourselves encourages someone else to do likewise. Everything else is a crap shoot. __________________ "Trust is a verb." Street Buddha.

12-02-2013, 11:39 AM	#6
Joness Member How Do You Identify?: Boi Butch Preferred Pronoun?: Boi He His Him Sir Handsome Son Brother Tom Relationship Status: Single Join Date: May 2013 Location: Scotland Posts: 134 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 576 Thanked 198 Times in 41 Posts Rep Power: 2367915	Love Love yourself completely, in a non ego led narcissistic way. When you believe you are not loveable then this projects onto others in the form of fear and judgemental behaviour. Have faith in self love, have faith you are loveble, have faith you are worth it . . because you are . . . . From there love her like you love yourself and give her the space to breathe and freedom to be . . . . .

11-02-2013, 08:07 PM	#1
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,830 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	for me, own me.

01-26-2014, 08:06 AM	#7
Sweet Bliss Senior Member How Do You Identify?: I Am Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: the Beach, Pacific side Posts: 4,160 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,354 Thanked 7,268 Times in 2,159 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	When experiencing an angry moment, hold that moment in your mind and ask yourself "When was the first time this situation presented itself? " It's an old button. Find it. Heal it. Enlist the aid of trustworthy allies to help if needed.