Caregivers and Stress

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i have thrown myself in the position of caring for my aging mother, again. i went to a stress management seminar for the caregiver yesterday and it was quite enlightening. i'm still processing all of it.

Anyone else in the caregiver role? A parent, partner, child?

I have done it before and I KNOW I will have to do it again one day. It is extremely stressful please make sure that you have a support system so that you can get some me time away

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

I have done it before and I KNOW I will have to do it again one day. It is extremely stressful please make sure that you have a support system so that you can get some me time away

My mother is no longer critically ill, she is still fragile but not on deaths door. She weighs 89 pounds.

She is demanding to say the least.

[Okiebug61]

Red's mom lived with us for 7yrs. It was always stressful and it took a great toll on Red. Her mother had dementia and as it got worse it became undeniable that it was time to let go. Having to put her mother in a nursing home was not easy but it actually extended her life. As the counselor explained, once a person reaches a point where they know no one around them it is time to let go. The facility we chose for her to live in took her without any expectations and that was the answer. Red could no longer deal with watching her mother fade. Red needed to let go for her own sanity. The people where Red's mom lived knew her how she was not how she use to be. That is the hard part of letting go, you think your care and love will bring them back, the truth is it won't. It becomes a guilt trip for a lot of people.

Dee I don't know your exact situation but I will send positive thoughts your way. It's not easy and I commend you for deciding to take this on. Your mother has a great daughter and I hope you know that about yourself.

Peace!

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Okiebug61

Red's mom lived with us for 7yrs. It was always stressful and it took a great toll on Red. Her mother had dementia and as it got worse it became undeniable that it was time to let go. Having to put her mother in a nursing home was not easy but it actually extended her life. As the counselor explained, once a person reaches a point where they know no one around them it is time to let go. The facility we chose for her to live in took her without any expectations and that was the answer. Red could no longer deal with watching her mother fade. Red needed to let go for her own sanity. The people where Red's mom lived knew her how she was not how she use to be. That is the hard part of letting go, you think your care and love will bring them back, the truth is it won't. It becomes a guilt trip for a lot of people.

Dee I don't know your exact situation but I will send positive thoughts your way. It's not easy and I commend you for deciding to take this on. Your mother has a great daughter and I hope you know that about yourself.

Peace!

Thank you

((((( Red )))))) for Red, it must have been hard.

My mother and i calcified this role reversal in my twenties. Nothing that has happened over the years was without my consent.

So much of what is happening now brings up old stuff.

She is extremely CLINGY. When i don't invite her to do things, she becomes snarkly at me.

People say not to take it personally, how can i not? It stings!

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

My mother is no longer critically ill, she is still fragile but not on deaths door. She weighs 89 pounds.

She is demanding to say the least.

I have cared for 2 partners who have passed and I got all wrapped up in caring for them that once they were gone I was lost. I felt I didnt have a purpose anymore. I wish I had more of a support system to help me get out and have me time. I have learned the hard way and I hope you dont.

Its feels like you dont doing all you can to take a few hrs a week just to be U. you will need it take it and DONT let anyone keep u from it

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

I have cared for 2 partners who have passed and I got all wrapped up in caring for them that once they were gone I was lost. I felt I didnt have a purpose anymore. I wish I had more of a support system to help me get out and have me time. I have learned the hard way and I hope you dont.

Its feels like you dont doing all you can to take a few hrs a week just to be U. you will need it take it and DONT let anyone keep u from it

Do you think for some it's a calling? Like some folks always seem to end up in a caregiving role.

In my group yesterday there was a lady there who was widowed, then her boyfriend who she was also caring for didn't want her there anymore. She was so lost. She said the same as you , she felt she has no purpose. Why do we feel we have to be caring for someone to have a purpose????

i was not asked to do this, i chose it.

i moved back to New Orleans, bought a house with an apartment/cottage in the back to put her in, because she wanted to be closer to her kin, only she has complained about just about everyhting and not found any happiness.

She wants to be IN my house. i want to live alone, and for the most part she is in here anyway, i don't want her here when i wake up and go to bed! There is no reason for her to be.

i was dillusional when i thought she would be happy in her little home. She clearly is not, and reminds me daily that she wants to be IN my house.

Bottom line is that there is old stuff.. that i will never be enough and she will always be miserable.

[TruTexan]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Do you think for some it's a calling? Like some folks always seem to end up in a caregiving role.

In my group yesterday there was a lady there who was widowed, then her boyfriend who she was also caring for didn't want her there anymore. She was so lost. She said the same as you , she felt she has no purpose. Why do we feel we have to be caring for someone to have a purpose????

i was not asked to do this, i chose it.

i moved back to New Orleans, bought a house with an apartment/cottage in the back to put her in, because she wanted to be closer to her kin, only she has complained about just about everyhting and not found any happiness.

She wants to be IN my house. i want to live alone, and for the most part she is in here anyway, i don't want her here when i wake up and go to bed! There is no reason for her to be.

i was dillusional when i thought she would be happy in her little home. She clearly is not, and reminds me daily that she wants to be IN my house.

Bottom line is that there is old stuff.. that i will never be enough and she will always be miserable.

Dee, my mom has not been happy since I can't remember when. She argues with me, yells and screams at me, etc. etc. etc. and sometimes I just have to step back and say ok, she's not the mom I used to know anymore. My mom doesn't want to live with anyone or have to depend on anyone, it makes her nuts because she's independent and thinks she can afford to go it alone, when in reality she can't. It seems that with aging comes a part of unhappiness for some, like my mom.
Could it be that your mom is afraid to be alone ? I don't know her but sounds like it.
When my stepfather died, I took the brundt of my mom's anger and since then it's not ever changed. She's nice to my sisters but I"m the one that gets yelled and screamed at and told things that stings really deep, that are truly ugly. I fully understand where you're coming from . I just can tell you from experience, to keep going to therapy, it will help you learn to step back and not take it personally as much at times.....not all the time......but sometimes you'll be able to.
If you need anything let me know.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Do you think for some it's a calling? Like some folks always seem to end up in a caregiving role.

In my group yesterday there was a lady there who was widowed, then her boyfriend who she was also caring for didn't want her there anymore. She was so lost. She said the same as you , she felt she has no purpose. Why do we feel we have to be caring for someone to have a purpose????

i was not asked to do this, i chose it.

i moved back to New Orleans, bought a house with an apartment/cottage in the back to put her in, because she wanted to be closer to her kin, only she has complained about just about everyhting and not found any happiness.

She wants to be IN my house. i want to live alone, and for the most part she is in here anyway, i don't want her here when i wake up and go to bed! There is no reason for her to be.

i was dillusional when i thought she would be happy in her little home. She clearly is not, and reminds me daily that she wants to be IN my house.

Bottom line is that there is old stuff.. that i will never be enough and she will always be miserable.

I dont know if ppl r called to take care of loved one or not.

When both of my partners got sick and we knew they were going to pass I CHOOSE to stay.

I can say that neither of them really was one to complain however I know that no matter what you do for some it will never be enough. I had a friend who took care of her father and he was a piece of work.

By the time they had to find a home for him there was so much animosity tween all the family members it wasnt funny.

I swear if i have to take care of my parents i will but my brothers better b there to give me a break when needed

[PoeticSilence]

I'm the caregivee. My wife is the caregiver. I think that a person who has gone from being productive and successful and even adventurous has a right to be angry with themselves when they lose those qualities unwillingly. That being said, I don't think it's right to take it out on your caretaker. I know I've done this, but the times are few and far between. Usually it's happened after a lot of frustration has built up and she's wanting some recognition for what she's going through too, and somehow, I haven't done that.

It can start easily, maybe she was putting my leg wraps on, and making me feel like she was rushed or maybe she inadvertently bumped my other leg while passing the wraps over and under. Of course I'll say Please be careful, be careful of my legs. She'll get exasperated and claim that she is, with that tone that means she's heard this before. Maybe I'll feel the wraps are too loose and say so, and she'll say they aren't, and of course within a few hours, they are so loose, they've come undone. It can be the smallest of things. A tone. A sigh. A look. A certainty of being ignored, rushed, refused. I imagine it's the same for nearly everyone.

We've worked it through, but still we can have our days. She just needs to get out of the house, go to a movie, go out to eat. Just go away. I can't really go away. Maybe I can go to another room and stay there so she has some time to herself. I try to do as much for myself as I can, but even I had to come to grips with what I can't do. She worries about going too far in case I fall or get hurt (a brush with a empty cardboard box tore my leg open and it took months for that tear to heal).

I think we've worked out a lot of things, and she meets with my doctors after I have, in case there're things she's concerned about or wants to talk about privately. I also have to remember to recognize her, thank her for cooking, tell her what I did like about it instead of what I didn't like about it. Offer to fold the laundry since she's washed and dried it. Try to keep my side of the bed made when I'm getting up so that she doesn't have to. My arms aren't too badly affected so I offer foot rubs.

The most important thing I have to do is that when I'm frustrated, I have to remember not to take it out on her. She's likely just as frustrated as I am. I try not to deal with social security or things that will get me upset when she's around at all. And most importantly, I have to remember to thank her sincerely for what she does for me. Usually at night before she goes to sleep. I want to make sure she knows that I know that she's valuable to me and not just some health care giver that I got stuck with.

[Rockinonahigh]

When my grannie finialy became so forgetful she didn't know where she was nor could she deal with the live in sitter I finealy went to night school to finish high school and cared for her myself,this went on for a couple of years.One morning I got up to my mother asking me where she was,I said check the bathroom,well grannie had some how unlocked the safety latches and was no where to be found.She was almost 80 at the time,I called the police,any and every one I knew,the mounted patrol that I belonged to got involved so for three days no one knew where she was.Then a friend of ours who owned the old family grosery
about a mile from home called to tell us they had her at the store,they herd something going through the garbage cans' thinking it was an animal so went to check it out then found her then called us.She was starving,covered in bug bites whit scratches plus bruises.I went to pick her up.thank goodness she knew who I was,I had her checked out by a doctor that said she was just a lost person who was probly on the river banks from the injuries she had but no one had done any thing to her thank goodness.We put her in a care facility that took really good care of her.BUT,I was the hardest thing I had to deal with at the time.We all blamed our selves for not being more aware of her roaming the house at night,but she had never done anything like that before.
Till the day she passed I went every day after school,brought her home on weekends and holidays there she was put on meds to help her be easyr to deal with.I'm glad she had such good care at the home but wish I could have done more,now I know I did all I could so did mom.The other family members,some did what they could some fell into the void.
Dee just take it one day at the time,go to what ever help group you have,as for the family that dosent feel they could help you cant' change them,I know I have tryed.One thing that could help is adult day care,I worked in one for a long time it was godsend for the families of the people that came that came,we had a nursing staff with a staff that really cared for everyone.I will send you all the energy I have to send.Take care .

[TruTexan]

I live 15 mins from my mom and have for the past several years. I take care of things she needs to have done, take her to regular doctor appts out of town to see her heart specialist and her vascular specialist. I help fix the house when it needs something , work on her car or van, etc. etc. My mom needs me around, so I am here. We lost my stepfather in 2010 so I remained close by. I would much rather be living in Austin, but mom needs me, so I'm here. My younger sister lives in TN and helps with what she can like online banking for her, helps pay mom's bills, and sends money or whatever should I need something for the house I cannot afford to get or if mom needs anything. My older sister stopped helping period. She's a bitch and when mom goes, I"m gonna blow my ever loving mind at her about it. I was asked by my younger sibling if I would stay to help mom and I promised her and my mom I would. Hence, I"m single and cannot take on the responsibility of looking to date anyone let alone a relationship. I have already enough on my plate with my own issues and making sure mom is alright. She's the only mom I have to do what I have to do for her.

Dee, I pray your time with your mom will be good times with her and that you don't become overly stressed. I know my own mom can be very demanding among other things.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

I live 15 mins from my mom and have for the past several years. I take care of things she needs to have done, take her to regular doctor appts out of town to see her heart specialist and her vascular specialist. I help fix the house when it needs something , work on her car or van, etc. etc. My mom needs me around, so I am here. We lost my stepfather in 2010 so I remained close by. I would much rather be living in Austin, but mom needs me, so I'm here. My younger sister lives in TN and helps with what she can like online banking for her, helps pay mom's bills, and sends money or whatever should I need something for the house I cannot afford to get or if mom needs anything. My older sister stopped helping period. She's a bitch and when mom goes, I"m gonna blow my ever loving mind at her about it. I was asked by my younger sibling if I would stay to help mom and I promised her and my mom I would. Hence, I"m single and cannot take on the responsibility of looking to date anyone let alone a relationship. I have already enough on my plate with my own issues and making sure mom is alright. She's the only mom I have to do what I have to do for her.

Dee, I pray your time with your mom will be good times with her and that you don't become overly stressed. I know my own mom can be very demanding among other things.

i have decided that i can't worry about what others won't do. My brother checked out LONG ago. i have to do what i need to do for me and let the rest go.

Some ask me how i can be so good to my mom with the upbringing that i had. i have my crosses to bear, she has hers.