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Old 12-07-2013, 11:47 PM   #1
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brock View Post
Grainne, I am quoting you below. What you wrote in this quote speaks massive volumes to me. When I read this, the last of my confusion fell away - everything became crystal clear. Thank you so much for your post!
You've no idea how much it helped me to read it.

-----------------------------------------

Quoting Grainne:
*Watch out for the Nice Guy, who is kind to you not because they are a kind person but because they are putting "kind deeds" into an emotional bank account, out of which they want to "pay" for a relationship with you. This is someone who may come on too good to be true ...

-----------------------------------------

By the way -
Please forgive my presentation style (or lack of) ... I am using a cell phone. And it has issues.
The emotional bank account thing rings true for me as well and I'll even add a bit to it: Anyone who does something for you and then turns around and uses that act against you in an argument or heated discussion is a red flag. "Well, I did this and this and this for you and you can't do that for me?" I mean, I could see someone being upset in a relationship where they were receiving no reciprocity but that can also be used as a means to confuse and control. Especially if you have no clear understanding of what's being asked of you or what you're being asked to do is in some way inappropriate in the context of your relationship. It's a grey area and hard to describe but I feel it's a red flag, even if it's one that can be easy to mask or hide.

Another one, which could be added to this for clarity, is the rules always change. What was okay one day is not okay the next and it happens often. This is another way an abuser can confuse their target and make them turn it around on themselves. This is verbal/emotional abuse at its finest.

Emotional blackmail can also be added to this. You've "done something" that has angered your partner but they refuse to explain it to you, instead denying love and using this "indiscretion" as a means to justify further abuse. Very creepy and unfortunately, very effective.
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Old 12-08-2013, 12:03 AM   #2
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Default thank you for this thread...

Some of what I read here has been my past experience....but only once, not quite for a year.....and after therapy I learned to not ignore those red flags and how lucky I was to have gotten out of it in that time frame.

I want to add that people who are abusive will target others who are naive, non confrontational, accepting and more. I guess it is a form of profiling (from the abusers) and has nothing to do with love. Sometimes there are only brief moments of what feels like "normal"....and support comes indirectly from places like this thread, when read can also leave someone who experienced abuse to feel not so alone and that there is hope......of getting beyond it and learning.
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Old 12-08-2013, 12:32 AM   #3
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A few years ago, I took a great class on relationship skills through the Northwest Network, which is a Seattle-based organization for GLBT survivors of abuse. Here is a link to some resources on their website.

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Old 12-08-2013, 01:01 AM   #4
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I think that the most insidious form of abuse is the one that is not overt, because it is seldom recognized AS abuse while it is occurring. Emotional manipulation, threats of self-harm or suicide, the abuser claiming that they are being victimized or even claiming to suffer some form of abuse at the hands of the person they are abusing....these can often be overlooked as the truly abusive acts that they are...and can be more damaging because they are, at times, tolerated or excused for far longer than physical abuse would be.
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Old 12-08-2013, 07:45 AM   #5
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Something that always surprises me about abuse is the talent abusers have for misdirection. They seem especially skilled at shining light on the normal human stupidity and flaws of others thus making themselves look less culpable or even innocent.

Recently heard a group of people speak, in turn, about what it was like to be taken in by an abuser. One guy talked about not knowing that his best friend was an abuser and how traumatic the discovery was. He wasn't even in denial. He simply didn't see it because the man was just that good at what he did. Another woman spoke about being in denial and ignoring some things that had set off warning sirens in her head. Took her years to realize that the abuser she knew was manipulating her into doubting herself so she talked herself out of seeing what was in front of her face. One woman spoke about refusing to believe, despite seeing evidence every day, that a long time close friend was abusing his partner. Most of them had a story about a third person who pointed out their denial and several talked very frankly about either a pre-existing or a sudden underlying feeling of dislike for the person being abused which helped prevent them from seeing the truth. But every story had the same feature: the abuser was good at garnering sympathy for themselves, were able to sound very reasonable to friends and family, and were skilled at magnifying the flaws and mistakes of the abused person in a way that made that person seem easy to dislike or discount. They also talked about resisting the truth when it was presented to them and trying to find a way to excuse the abuser's behavior. Only about 1/4 of them believed abuse was taking place the first time they were told about it.
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