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Breakups, Lessons Learned, Healing PLEASE do not use this forum for ugliness or nasty posts. |
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Another one, which could be added to this for clarity, is the rules always change. What was okay one day is not okay the next and it happens often. This is another way an abuser can confuse their target and make them turn it around on themselves. This is verbal/emotional abuse at its finest. Emotional blackmail can also be added to this. You've "done something" that has angered your partner but they refuse to explain it to you, instead denying love and using this "indiscretion" as a means to justify further abuse. Very creepy and unfortunately, very effective.
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#2 |
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under the cover of starry starry nights...enjoying a warm fire in the pit ! Join Date: Oct 2010
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Some of what I read here has been my past experience....but only once, not quite for a year.....and after therapy I learned to not ignore those red flags and how lucky I was to have gotten out of it in that time frame.
I want to add that people who are abusive will target others who are naive, non confrontational, accepting and more. I guess it is a form of profiling (from the abusers) and has nothing to do with love. Sometimes there are only brief moments of what feels like "normal"....and support comes indirectly from places like this thread, when read can also leave someone who experienced abuse to feel not so alone and that there is hope......of getting beyond it and learning. |
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A few years ago, I took a great class on relationship skills through the Northwest Network, which is a Seattle-based organization for GLBT survivors of abuse. Here is a link to some resources on their website.
Cara
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I think that the most insidious form of abuse is the one that is not overt, because it is seldom recognized AS abuse while it is occurring. Emotional manipulation, threats of self-harm or suicide, the abuser claiming that they are being victimized or even claiming to suffer some form of abuse at the hands of the person they are abusing....these can often be overlooked as the truly abusive acts that they are...and can be more damaging because they are, at times, tolerated or excused for far longer than physical abuse would be.
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Something that always surprises me about abuse is the talent abusers have for misdirection. They seem especially skilled at shining light on the normal human stupidity and flaws of others thus making themselves look less culpable or even innocent.
Recently heard a group of people speak, in turn, about what it was like to be taken in by an abuser. One guy talked about not knowing that his best friend was an abuser and how traumatic the discovery was. He wasn't even in denial. He simply didn't see it because the man was just that good at what he did. Another woman spoke about being in denial and ignoring some things that had set off warning sirens in her head. Took her years to realize that the abuser she knew was manipulating her into doubting herself so she talked herself out of seeing what was in front of her face. One woman spoke about refusing to believe, despite seeing evidence every day, that a long time close friend was abusing his partner. Most of them had a story about a third person who pointed out their denial and several talked very frankly about either a pre-existing or a sudden underlying feeling of dislike for the person being abused which helped prevent them from seeing the truth. But every story had the same feature: the abuser was good at garnering sympathy for themselves, were able to sound very reasonable to friends and family, and were skilled at magnifying the flaws and mistakes of the abused person in a way that made that person seem easy to dislike or discount. They also talked about resisting the truth when it was presented to them and trying to find a way to excuse the abuser's behavior. Only about 1/4 of them believed abuse was taking place the first time they were told about it.
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abusive relationships, red flags, support, warning signs |
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