Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by Words

I haven't read every post so I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet but one red flag would be (for me) when someone resorts to blaming every bad word/action/whatever on physical or mental health issues (either real or imagined). I haven't experienced this personally but someone very dear to me has done and it really did a number of them. (I know from my own experience with my daughter (special needs) that it's definitely a slippery slope when you start excusing negative behaviour that can be controlled but isn't.) I'm not saying (of course) that I wouldn't be supportive of a partner who had genuine health issues, but what I wouldn't do is allow them to use those issues as an excuse for treating me poorly.

Words

Thank you for bringing this up. I also believe that there's a flip side to this. If your partner is aware that you have a type of mental or developmental disability and they continue to use that against you, it's a type of abuse. I've waited until now to bring this up because I didn't want to derail the discussion but I have Asperger's syndrome.

I'm self-diagnosed but from years of research and talking with people who have it, I more than qualify. When I first told my partner this, I explained the literal way that I think and that I need a great deal of clarification in order to understand any social wrong-doing or misunderstanding. Without it, "the obvious" goes right over my head. With other people I had dated, I didn't know this about myself and relationships failed before they even began.

With my last ex, I understood what to explain and what I needed and thought this would be very helpful. After all, once you explain to someone that you absolutely cannot help not understanding something, they couldn't possibly continue to get angry with you for not getting it without speaking to them in a way they understand, right? I mean, it would be like getting angry with someone in a wheelchair for not being able to walk.

Well, instead of this information being helpful, my ex used it to further confuse me. She would try to "educate" me on a appropriate social behavior and since I had no foundation for this in the context of a romantic partnership, she was able to use me as a puppet.

I said and did things and acted in ways I was instructed were appropriate and then realized later I was only being manipulated. I would act the way she said she wanted me to act and would make her feel loved in the relationship and then be treated like I was completely insane when I did what I was told was expected of me.

A lot of this also had to do with cultural expectations as she was from the South and I from the North. It was quite easy for the combination of my Asperger's and the fact I lived in a completely different environment to be an easy way to manipulate, control, confuse, and punish me.

For most neurotypical (non-autistic people) this is not a concern even in emotionally-abusive relationships. After all, NT people have a firm social foundation and can usually tell when they're being asked to behave in a way that doesn't make sense for them. Not so us Aspies. We are like like hollow social sponges. Mimicking and following the examples of others in our environment is the only way we can survive socially. It's the way we learn.

I think people with Asperger's and other forms of social developmental issues may be at a great deal of increased risk for being targeted by someone with abusive tendencies. We are always looking for direction even if we aren't aware of it.

Like honeybarbara, I don't trust myself. This is why I need and want those I truly know love and care about me to get to know potential partners from now on. Most of my friends and family behave in a healthy, normal ways and I need to compare and contrast and "run them by" NT people so I'm certain that what I'm feeling (I partner by emotional vibration alone) doesn't ever put me in danger again. I also have clear-cut set rules for romantic encounters now so I don't even up ever again following my heart off of a cliff.

When you don't know you have a blind spot and a massive one, I do believe it takes legions of angels to protect you (if you believe in such things) until you are able to clearly see and understand what some people are capable of.

[Words]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

Thank you for bringing this up. I also believe that there's a flip side to this. If your partner is aware that you have a type of mental or developmental disability and they continue to use that against you, it's a type of abuse.

Absolutely, and thank you for pointing it out. (I'm bi polar so I totally relate to what you're saying.)

Words