Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[CherylNYC]

I have to say that I really admire all the survivors here who are living, loving and functioning after leaving abusive long term, committed relationships. I know what it took for me to come back from my long term emotionally abusive relationship many years ago. I simply wouldn't be the person I am today if my next partner had not made it her business to heal and support me. Sharon was everything that my former partner could never be, and she was the single healthy romantic relationship I've had in my life. By the time she died four years later, I knew what it meant to be well loved.

Fast forward to my recent dating experience with an emotional abuser. It's flipping HARD to recover from this! It's been months since I told her to never contact me again, yet I'm still randomly furious, and I'm still replaying those damaging events in my head and thinking about what I could have/should have done/said differently. She managed to undermine me in some pretty fundamental ways in the short time we dated, and I'm still telling her to go f**k herself in my head. I can't imagine how much harder this would be for me if I had stayed longer.

Brava/bravo to all of you who have come back strong from this sort of thing. It's really, REALLY hard.

[TruTexan]

It's been a long waring process for me to heal. I"m still not there yet, But I will be in time. I know it just takes time. I am so leary about meeting or dating anyone anymore because of what I endured. IT's frightening to have someone do to me what she did. It Broke me inside and scared me to death about what could have happened to me even though I was not guilty of being the abuser. IT was she that was the abuser always setting off my ptsd,pushing my buttons, acting crazy and telling everyone I was doing things to her and hurting her. I freaked and told her I was leaving just as soon as I could when I got my disability check the next month. I won't go into detail but it just wasn't right what she claimed to the police saying I did things to her when I didn't do anything but tell her to get her shit together and stop acting like the way she was acting and stop treating me wrong. I ended up leaving that very night after an argument with her via police escort. I wasn't arrested for anything because I didn't do anything. I had to live in a shelter until me check came, I was alone in a state I didn't know anyone in and was frightened to death of what she was planning on doing. I could feel it in my gut. When I left, I got mail a couple months later telling me I had DV charges filed against me for things I never did.
She was a real nut job I think. And since I left I think it pissed her off so she made false claims of abuse about me. It cost me a ton of money that I couldn't afford, but i managed to handle and pay out to a really good attorney. I wasn't found guilty, I was aquitted do to lack of evidence. There was NO evidence what so ever that I did the things she said.
For me, this has really messed up my personal life, social life, and put a huge strain on me financially just to go through this mess she created. I"m tired of not talking about it, tired of being silenced, pissed off that I haven't been able to have a voice, and I'm glad Girl started this thread. I appreciate everyone's input, it has greatly opened my eyes and my mind. I have man things to ponder still and work through. It's been 3yrs this coming year and I still need to go back to a therapist and do some more work on me.
Anywho, Thank you all for your input and thoughts on this subject.

[Girl_On_Fire]

I have to say another warning sign might be asking for money. Now, mind you, if you're in a committed relationship and you're together for a while, sharing finances and supporting each other is typical. However, if you're only just met someone or have only interacted with them online and they start talking about major hardships where they need money, something is amiss. Nobody (except perhaps those with social learning disabilities) would ask what would basically be a virtual stranger for financial help. It just crosses a line.

[TruTexan]

I feel like the biggest sucker that has ever walked the earth at times. I"ve fallen for so much bullshit it's pathetic. So back to therapy I go thanks to this thread for opening my eyes even more. I know I need to work on stopping the patterns of picking partners I've had in the past. I will be doing therapy this month if not next month. And I'm going to work hard on stopping those patterns of abusive relationships in all forms. It's going to be intensive therapy for me.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

I feel like the biggest sucker that has ever walked the earth at times. I"ve fallen for so much bullshit it's pathetic. So back to therapy I go thanks to this thread for opening my eyes even more. I know I need to work on stopping the patterns of picking partners I've had in the past. I will be doing therapy this month if not next month. And I'm going to work hard on stopping those patterns of abusive relationships in all forms. It's going to be intensive therapy for me.

People who are kind, loving, and trusting are rare in this world. Honestly, we are not the problem. We need more of that in this world. It's the people who see our goodness and exploit it for their own gain who are the ones who really have the problem. I think that the key is to find a balance of maintaining your good heart and protecting yourself from those who would wish to take advantage of you. I'm learning that now. It's a process. You're not alone.

[TruTexan]

I wonder, are there any other forms of abuse that we haven't talked about?

[Words]

I haven't read every post so I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet but one red flag would be (for me) when someone resorts to blaming every bad word/action/whatever on physical or mental health issues (either real or imagined). I haven't experienced this personally but someone very dear to me has done and it really did a number of them. (I know from my own experience with my daughter (special needs) that it's definitely a slippery slope when you start excusing negative behaviour that can be controlled but isn't.) I'm not saying (of course) that I wouldn't be supportive of a partner who had genuine health issues, but what I wouldn't do is allow them to use those issues as an excuse for treating me poorly.

Words

[Rockinonahigh]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

I feel like the biggest sucker that has ever walked the earth at times. I"ve fallen for so much bullshit it's pathetic. So back to therapy I go thanks to this thread for opening my eyes even more. I know I need to work on stopping the patterns of picking partners I've had in the past. I will be doing therapy this month if not next month. And I'm going to work hard on stopping those patterns of abusive relationships in all forms. It's going to be intensive therapy for me.

Tex.
I fought going to therapy for years,I knew I needed to go but telling someone I don't know about the issues I have just didn't fly,so for years I filed it away somewhere in the back of my mind like it never happened. But it wormed it's way into parts of my life bit by bit till it made me a mess to deal with.Then at a pflag meeting I reconected with an old friend who introduced me to a therapist that over time led me to go to this person for a therapist.we waded through a min field of everything that popped into my mind the good,the bad,the not so bad then the disasters.This helped me in many ways to learn how to deal with life as it is and was along with how I hope for it to become.I still go on an as needed basics .I still have a couple of things I really need to work on but I have been trying not deal with it cause I know the powder keg that will blow when I do,maybe it won't be so big who knows.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

It's been a long waring process for me to heal. I"m still not there yet, But I will be in time. I know it just takes time. I am so leary about meeting or dating anyone anymore because of what I endured. IT's frightening to have someone do to me what she did. It Broke me inside and scared me to death about what could have happened to me even though I was not guilty of being the abuser. IT was she that was the abuser always setting off my ptsd,pushing my buttons, acting crazy and telling everyone I was doing things to her and hurting her. I freaked and told her I was leaving just as soon as I could when I got my disability check the next month. I won't go into detail but it just wasn't right what she claimed to the police saying I did things to her when I didn't do anything but tell her to get her shit together and stop acting like the way she was acting and stop treating me wrong. I ended up leaving that very night after an argument with her via police escort. I wasn't arrested for anything because I didn't do anything. I had to live in a shelter until me check came, I was alone in a state I didn't know anyone in and was frightened to death of what she was planning on doing. I could feel it in my gut. When I left, I got mail a couple months later telling me I had DV charges filed against me for things I never did.
She was a real nut job I think. And since I left I think it pissed her off so she made false claims of abuse about me. It cost me a ton of money that I couldn't afford, but i managed to handle and pay out to a really good attorney. I wasn't found guilty, I was aquitted do to lack of evidence. There was NO evidence what so ever that I did the things she said.
For me, this has really messed up my personal life, social life, and put a huge strain on me financially just to go through this mess she created. I"m tired of not talking about it, tired of being silenced, pissed off that I haven't been able to have a voice, and I'm glad Girl started this thread. I appreciate everyone's input, it has greatly opened my eyes and my mind. I have man things to ponder still and work through. It's been 3yrs this coming year and I still need to go back to a therapist and do some more work on me.
Anywho, Thank you all for your input and thoughts on this subject.

I so know this. I too have been FALSELY accused however I was arrested cause my abuser swore that I did things to her I never did. I was told long ago when someone points one finger at you there are 4 pointed back at them. I have learned to realize just what that means. I take a long hard look at who is pointing and what now.

I have lost time from work, money and self respect for I started to believe the things that my abuser said I was doing. I knew deep down I had never done those things but you know the mind will start to play tricks on you when your constantly told an ALTERNATE story line, that has SOME truth in it.

I used to think that me being kind and loving to them would stop the abuse it didnt. What it did was ramp it up. The more I tried the worse it got.

When I finally said Im done you would have thought I had started a war. No matter how calm I stayed the louder she got. I left and she called and told the police all kinds of things. I have to say the 1 thing she could have really said that would have had me placed under the jail she didnt and Im not about to say what it is.

Daily I have to face Me. I have to look Me in the face and tell myself I am better off ALONE then being with ANYONE who wants to tear me down.

I know that working on me and keeping my truth I will overcome the hold my abusers have had over me. Its a daily struggle one that Im sure isnt about to just up and disappear.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

I have to say that I really admire all the survivors here who are living, loving and functioning after leaving abusive long term, committed relationships. I know what it took for me to come back from my long term emotionally abusive relationship many years ago. I simply wouldn't be the person I am today if my next partner had not made it her business to heal and support me. Sharon was everything that my former partner could never be, and she was the single healthy romantic relationship I've had in my life. By the time she died four years later, I knew what it meant to be well loved.

Fast forward to my recent dating experience with an emotional abuser. It's flipping HARD to recover from this! It's been months since I told her to never contact me again, yet I'm still randomly furious, and I'm still replaying those damaging events in my head and thinking about what I could have/should have done/said differently. She managed to undermine me in some pretty fundamental ways in the short time we dated, and I'm still telling her to go f**k herself in my head. I can't imagine how much harder this would be for me if I had stayed longer.

Brava/bravo to all of you who have come back strong from this sort of thing. It's really, REALLY hard.

[ame="http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972"]Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You: Susan Forward, Donna Frazier: 9780060928971: Amazon.com: Books[/ame]

This book really helped me after my brief relationship with the narcissist. It was given to me my her ex. After we broke I had people very quietly come up to me and tell me "my ex saw her just before you..." And tell me stories as well as other femmes in my community come up and have a very quiet word.

I need to re read it from my last person. I was having an affair with her, something I thought I'd never ever do again after 10 years previously learning my lesson about being the other woman. But I was in such a place of emotional wreckage and frightened and she was my only good friend, I was completely alone in that city, trying to find a way out. Tbh I don't think I would have done anything differently because I was so unstable and alone.

She wasn't a monster. She had incredibly good qualities along with the abusive traits. That's why I don't like calling People abusers unless they are like that narcissist I was seeing. Rather they have abuseive behaviours. I don't like reducing people to roles. It makes me feel icky.

But some of her behaviours I feel the same as you... I am still fantasizing and getting angry about. It's finally starting to fade and I'm finally occasionally starting to hope that now that she's getting married and moving, to a place more stable and to a woman who is kind and doesn't drink, perhaps she'll get back on the wagon and her behaviour will change. And I wish her well.

But I do still get angry with how she treated *me* and I get so angry that I actually became so desirous of her praise that I did horrible things for her to try to show people she wasn't a bad person. That she was just misunderstood. That she was just hurting from being treated so poorly (she was but it wasn't one sided - and she always owned up to treated her ex wife poorly).

The girl she was seeing used to call me and cry and talk to me, as I was "just an ex" and I'd listen and you know I used to feel relief that it wasn't just me, that she treated other people just as insanely, and that I wasn't imagining things or nuts (because past partners made me feel that way about their abuseive behaviour)

I have a beauty and the beast problem. I know this.
It's why I don't trust myself.
And why I do not trust words. At all. I've been called names like ice queen cause I have no use for romantic words now.
Show me. Show me how you feel with how you behave and how you help me with my life, I have no use for romantic flower talk. None. If someone wants to express how much they care about me, then observe my life and see how you can offer to enriched it through your actions. Words are cheap ( and I'm a writer, I should know lol)

[Kobi]

I have been going over the statistics Snow posted on the previous page on domestic violence in lesbian relationships. And I have been looking for supporting data trying to sort out the numbers.

If I take that fact sheet at face value, up to 90% of us could be considered abusers or having engaged in behavior that can be seen as abusive. Does that make sense? Seriously, that isn't even logical.

Hart (1986) defines lesbian domestic violence as “That pattern of violent and coercive behaviours whereby a lesbian seeks to control the thoughts, beliefs, or conduct of her intimate partner or to punish the intimate for resisting the perpetrator's control over her”.

It's a power thing. It's a pattern. It's a control issue. It is deliberate and malicious and pathological. When there is a power differential, there is the potential for abuse.

Being a staunch feminist, I am very aware of and attuned to womens issues. As a social worker, I have seen some nasty abuse stuff all across the spectrum of gender and behavior. I have also seen things that have turned out not to be what they initially appeared.

Some of it is my age and some my occupation, but with the exception of physical abuse, I am reluctant to use the words "abusive" to describe a relationship or behavior, and "abuser" to describe a person. Here's why:

1. People come into relationships with their respective baggage and issues. If your baggage and issues are complimentary, things might be smoother sailing. If your baggage and issues are not, things are likely to be conflictual and even volatile.

2. Relationships can be good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, functional or dysfunctional. What appears to be totally bizarre to me, works for some people. What works for me might look totally bizarre to someone else.

3. Some couples are just a bad fit for one another. Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole makes for a lot of misunderstandings, hurt feelings and accusations. Bad couples do not equate to bad people.

4. People change over time. If the relationship changes with them, it's a good thing. If it doesn't, problems are bound to arise.

5. People use certain words for a reason, with or without recognition that the words carry a certain impact. As TruTexan has experienced, once labeled an abuser, you are guilty until you prove yourself innocent. By then, the damage has already been done to your reputation, finances, livelihood, self esteem etc.

6. Relationships are very complex and not easy to sort out. They can be unhealthy, dysfunctional, problematic, but not necessarily abusive. People do weird shit to one another all the time because they are angry, jealous, hurt, cant get their way etc.

I take abuse and domestic violence very seriously. There are certain criteria that make for an abusive relationship. When we play with the definition, we tend to water down a very serious issue into something else.

That is just not cool.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Kobi, I believe that most of the female bodied people have experienced one form of abuse or another, be it from a family member, lover, friend, partner, husband, wife, uncles. There are some forms of abuse that a lot of us do not discuss or that are not reported.

When I discuss abuse I am not speaking of the everyday misbehaviors between people, and even then some of those ickie behaviours that continue and become repetative such as what you numbered then it is abuse and it becomes a vicious cycle over over and over and over.

[Kobi]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Kobi, I believe that most of the female bodied people have experienced one form of abuse or another, be it from a family member, lover, friend, partner, husband, wife, uncles. There are some forms of abuse that a lot of us do not discuss or that are not reported.

When I discuss abuse I am not speaking of the everyday misbehaviors between people, and even then some of those ickie behaviours that continue and become repetative such as what you numbered then it is abuse and it becomes a vicious cycle over over and over and over.

Snow, I agree that most females have experienced abuse by the traditional definition of the concept at the hands of other people at some point in their lives.

What I was referring to was this:


About 17-45% of lesbians report having been the victim of a least one act of physical violence perpetrated by a lesbian partner (1,5,6,13). Types of physical abuse named by more than 10% of participants in one study included:

Disrupting other’s eating or sleeping habits

Pushing or shoving, driving recklessly to punish, and slapping, kicking, hitting, or biting (11).

Sexual abuse by a woman partner has been reported by up to 50% of lesbians (12).

Psychological abuse has been reported as occurring at least one time by 24% to 90% of lesbians (1,5,6,11,14).


These are stats for lesbian-lesbian relationships. Not for women in general. At least one incident of psychological abuse in a relationship by 24-90% of lesbians? Sexual abuse 50% of the time?

This is when I feel like I am living in a parallel universe.

[Medusa]

I think Kobi makes a salient point about being careful with definitions.

I'd also like to say that there is a wide gap between a person who is an "abuser" and a person who is displaying abusive behavior.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Medusa

I think Kobi makes a salient point about being careful with definitions.

I'd also like to say that there is a wide gap between a person who is an "abuser" and a person who is displaying abusive behavior.

That's why I think the I book that I posted is actually incredibly useful. If anyone wishes to read the introduction, it's quite helpful to see things described as behaviour, rather than an identity. And to also understand that much emotionally abusive behaviour, is done from a place of complete anxiety in a person.

I have been emotionally abusive without understanding what I was doing. I have hurt people. When I grasped on to how dysfunctional I was behaving, I felt fucking awful. But also unable to stop because of the dysfunctional dynamic between me and her. I went to therapy immediately. I tried to get her to go. She refused and said therapy was pointless.

And drank more.

Often two people display emotionally abusive behaviour in a relationship, not just one.

I am no angle. I am no victim. I don't feel like one with those that I have been with. When I was younger and very naive, ok. But not after all the stuff I know and experienced. That wasn't all someone else.

I am not talking about anyone else but me, let me be clear.

I have done shitty, SHITTY things because I wanted to please someone and get their praise. I went against my own ethics. And I can't say " Oh she manipulated me into them because I was in such a bad place" yeah, I was in a bad place. Yeah, she was manipulative. But I did them. I'm completely 100% responsible for what I did. I also knew better. I was working from a point of emotional weakness and fear. And my old needs to please and get praise. It's these flaws in myself that if I don't keep in check and monitor and rein in, just as much as someone else's alcoholism, it hurts others. But thing is I get to claim I was used. When knowing full well I was indulging in self destructive behaviour.

This is why i am saying I have been with quite a few people with abusive behaviour, but only three abusers - the people who were abusers were systematic, self-aware (ish. They were very good at subconsciously compartmentalizing their morals so could feel very wounded about being called a liar and feel genuine hurt and dismay while ignoring they were actually lying), and continual with little remorse.

That book shows how to deal with behaviours. And one can take stock of ones own responsibilities and also decide if it's abusive behaviour and thus is it something you want to salvage or not; or this an abuser.

The intro is free to read and very informative.

[Martina]

Yeah, I haven't posted because I haven't been with anybody who was a serial abuser.

I have been very lucky in my closest relationships. I was in a D/s relationship -- non-sexual -- years ago with someone I barely knew. I was physically assaulted, deprived of sleep and worked seven days a week. It goes on. I stayed for a few weeks after the assault because I did not want to fail. Strangely that experience left few scars. I think because it wasn't intimate emotionally or sexually. The person's therapist called me after I left -- I don't even know how she got my number -- and told me she was going to contact me to tell me to get out, but that I left before she could. She validated my experience, and that helped me let it go.

I had a friend type situation that involved threats of violence. This scared me more and left me with more anger. I think that was because we had been friends, although looking back on it, I see she wasn't really capable of that. Her own needs -- of various types -- were driving her so hard that everyone was just an object to her. Everything was about whether someone or some interaction could make her feel better for a second or not. Even angry ones, and she had a lot of those. I don't know. But I don't think of her as an abuser although narcissistic fits -- at least at that point in her life. She was mentally ill. Probably in the process of falling apart. I don't know. But she did me some genuine damage. Scared me. It took me two years to get past that in one way or another.

I have also done some shitty things to people. People who deserved understanding but I gave them judgement. I wish I had done better.

[TruTexan]

I have to admit that I"m very guilty of lashing out from anger and hurt at the same time and it hasn't been pretty, it's been painful for those to hear me tell them things that I didn't mean.I just wanted them to hurt in return as much as I was hurting and feeling angry with them. I have felt terribly bad afterwards about doing it, but I'm working on it everyday to stop it. I'm getting better at not doing it because I've gone to some therapy will continue to go; and communicating how I feel instead of outbursts when I've had enough, and with more therapy I should be able to control it better and not say things out of anger and hurt. I think there are a lot of people that get so overwhelmed when they are tired of being lied to, tired of drama, tired of abuse, and everything that goes with all of that, that they say things they don't actually mean, and it comes from a place of flat out anger and deep hurt, and the other parties find it abusive when they react they way they have. Sometimes you just lose it but it still doesn't make it right when you say things out of hurt and anger that you don't mean to. I try not to hold things like that against anyone and try to figure out if that is what it is all about so I ask them. I learned that in therapy too. I'm trying hard to learn to deal with my mom because she does that and I've learned to step away from it and tell myself, that's not my mom, that's anger and hurt talking and there's nothing I can do to fix her when she's like that, and just get in my truck and go home to my own quiet little apt where my serenity is. Mom won't go for help so I have to learn to cope with dealing with her when she's like that. I'm my mom's caretaker, so it's something I have to do to still be able to help her when she needs me. It doesn't make it right and I don't put up with it anymore, but instead of losing it on her out of anger and deep hurt myself, I just tell her I have to go home now. It works best that way. And I do get that phone call with mom crying and telling me she's sorry and I know deep down inside she is and it's not fake, it's very real, she's just a torn woman inside that knows nothing but abuse in her life and she won't seek help. I love her and she's the only mom I have so I just try to keep the peace. She's getting better at communicating with me instead of yelling and screaming at me when she's feeling overwhelmed, stressed, angry and hurt, she's begun to talk to me more about how she feels since I've learned to not engage her when she's acting like that. I think my telling her I won't tolerate it anymore has really sunk in and she's taken it to heart because things have changed between us for the better.