Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[Girl_On_Fire]

I think that talking about warning signs of abusive relationships could also talk about patterns instead of just "what to look out for to avoid an abuser". It helps to also think about yourself in this pattern.

For example: What about warning signs within you? If you've been in a few abusive relationships, how do you change? Do you notice that as soon as you get into certain relationships that your behavior becomes something you don't feel comfortable with or don't recognize? Do you find yourself agreeing to things you never would all in the name of "love"? Does the person you're with perpetuate and encourage this?

I think it's just as important for targets of abuse to look at their own behavior. This is something I have been doing intensely for the past year. For example, when someone is not angry and everything is going fine and suddenly, just from one 30 second exchange, they're snapping at me, I freeze. I can't breathe. I can't say anything. I'm stunned into silence. My brain is whirling. I don't know what to do. It's called selective mutism and it happens to me because sudden displays of anger are terrifying to me.

As a child I would often be scolded, reprimanded, shaken, smacked, and verbally abused because I couldn't pay attention or because I had unknowingly said or done something socially inappropriate. Now, when it happens to me as an adult, my child-self still responds by shutting down. This is something that I am in control of and can work to fix.

If I am able to successfully fix this by trying to talk to the person calmly and ask them to explain what I've done to offend them or speak up for myself if I'm certain I'm being spoken to an inappropriate way, it will go a long way in my not just "going along with something" because I lack the social skills to know if this behavior is inappropriate or not.

I'm a very diplomatic person. I like to talk things out and break everything down step-by-step so I clearly understand what it is that triggered or upset my partner so I don't end up inadvertently repeating the same mistake. While some people do not like to be this specific, my new "dating rule" is this: After a few months of dating, the person will have to understand that this is the only way I can connect my behavior with their reaction.

If the person I'm seeing can't help me do that, we can't see each other. I will not again be with somebody who does not have the patience to do this. In making this decision, I am saying that being with someone with low patience, who doesn't believe the way my brain works, or who has a serious temper is not the right type of person for me. That way, it takes the "abusive" title off the person and just puts it on the behavior/interactions.

Looking at our own defenses and the way our bodies and brains are responding to the people we date can also be a good warning sign. Our gut instincts are telling us something. If we are constantly being triggered by a partner, we can use it as a chance to grow in therapy but continuing in the relationship is probably not the best idea.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I think that talking about warning signs of abusive relationships could also talk about patterns instead of just "what to look out for to avoid an abuser". It helps to also think about yourself in this pattern.

For example: What about warning signs within you? If you've been in a few abusive relationships, how do you change? Do you notice that as soon as you get into certain relationships that your behavior becomes something you don't feel comfortable with or don't recognize? Do you find yourself agreeing to things you never would all in the name of "love"? Does the person you're with perpetuate and encourage this?

I think it's just as important for targets of abuse to look at their own behavior. This is something I have been doing intensely for the past year. For example, when someone is not angry and everything is going fine and suddenly, just from one 30 second exchange, they're snapping at me, I freeze. I can't breathe. I can't say anything. I'm stunned into silence. My brain is whirling. I don't know what to do. It's called selective mutism and it happens to me because sudden displays of anger are terrifying to me.

As a child I would often be scolded, reprimanded, shaken, smacked, and verbally abused because I couldn't pay attention or because I had unknowingly said or done something socially inappropriate. Now, when it happens to me as an adult, my child-self still responds by shutting down. This is something that I am in control of and can work to fix.

If I am able to successfully fix this by trying to talk to the person calmly and ask them to explain what I've done to offend them or speak up for myself if I'm certain I'm being spoken to an inappropriate way, it will go a long way in my not just "going along with something" because I lack the social skills to know if this behavior is inappropriate or not.

I'm a very diplomatic person. I like to talk things out and break everything down step-by-step so I clearly understand what it is that triggered or upset my partner so I don't end up inadvertently repeating the same mistake. While some people do not like to be this specific, my new "dating rule" is this: After a few months of dating, the person will have to understand that this is the only way I can connect my behavior with their reaction.

If the person I'm seeing can't help me do that, we can't see each other. I will not again be with somebody who does not have the patience to do this. In making this decision, I am saying that being with someone with low patience, who doesn't believe the way my brain works, or who has a serious temper is not the right type of person for me. That way, it takes the "abusive" title off the person and just puts it on the behavior/interactions.

Looking at our own defenses and the way our bodies and brains are responding to the people we date can also be a good warning sign. Our gut instincts are telling us something. If we are constantly being triggered by a partner, we can use it as a chance to grow in therapy but continuing in the relationship is probably not the best idea.

I have been thinking about this post and I am not really sure if I have any answers for ME or anyone else. I am going to try and explain what is working for ME.

I have now made a rule that whomever I am to date, if I date anyone again, they will know that I need to be able to resolve conflict. It is a mutual thing, one person doesnt get to say ok I have said what I need to say its done and walk away. Im just as important and I need to be able to voice what and how Im feeling about whatever issue has come up.

I am willing to have time so long as its a set time. I need to be able to get answers not just questions.

It is hard for me not to put the other person first and Im working on that. I have found that I do this way to much and I get left out in the cold so to speak.

I have tried to have "I feel" talk and some how it gets all twisted around to where its all about them and how IM doing xyz to them and how Im doing so and so to hurt them. To me communicate is the key.

Im a talker maybe too much but at least Im not holding it in and making anyone guess what is going on. I know I will shut down when I try to talk to who Im dating and repeatedly get told NOT now. I have asked many times for us(whomever I was dating at the time) to lets make time for said conversations only to be told over and over again that they didnt want to talk about it it wasnt important to them to just drop it. I can tell you that if there is an issue with one person in the relationship there is an issue with both ppl.

Im working on figuring out how to approach subjects with whomever Im with. Let me tell you that is not easy.

I know that I must respect them and their wishes however my needs need to b met also.

I need to sometimes put me first which is like telling the sun NOT to shine during the daytime. Funny we cant tell the moon that we can see it during the day and nite. I dont see myself as the moon it isnt all about me but I want to be the sun and shine when its time and I want whom Im with to be the sun also when its their time to shine.

I am trying to take the target off me my KNOWING who and what I want what I am and am NOT willing to do in a relationship this is a huge step and I hope I can and will be able to take it in time

[~ocean]

~ listen to warnings from friends or others who know them ~ watch for the patterns of their alter ego's ~ their negativity towards you and anyone who gets close to you ~ lies, lies, and more lies. acts of violence when no one is looking ~ making up storys on who they really are in a social enviorment ~ you start making excuses to family and friends cause you loved them ~ biggest mistake u can make ,believing the storys when u question what tou have been hearing ~ when you approach the situation, you become their enemy ~ reversal of guilt is a very scarey situation you have put yourself in ~ esp. when they don't take responsibility for their own actions ~ you begin to realize there has been no truth to anything you have shared with this person ~ its not just abuse anymore , now you are dealing with someone who needs professional help ~ don't go it alone ~ don't hide and stay quiet cause they don't approve ~ let it all out ~ RUN to your friends and family ~ don't leave yourself in a vulnerable situation with that person again ~ remember its their problem not you ~ theres nothing wrong with you ~ and you can't fix them ~ all the love and devotion will not fix their problem ~ don't become their enabler, no matter if its drug ,alcohol, financial, or availability to abuse u further ~ turn to someone, they already know ~

[Sweet Bliss]

The books available on your topic of reverting to childhood coping skills that might help your/ our understanding are the ones by Alice Miller especially "The body never lies", or "For your own good".


Brace yourself before reading.

John Bradshaw has wonderful explanations in his books. When he was on PBS talking about his studies into the human experience he talked about pediphiles and what characteristics they looked for in children when hunting new victims.

Many said " the most obedient child"...... I awoke 14 hours after hearing that statement, face down on the floor. You see, I have no conscious memory of my childhood. Perhaps only my body remembers. I have not yet been brave enough to find out.

"The Body Remembers " by Babette Rothschild is I believe a book about how to heal. I have not read it yet. It does have plenty of good reviews.

Look into "Somatics".

[TruTexan]

I have to remind myself that my gut will always tell me the truth, it will NEVER lie to me. I wish I had listened in the past, I could have avoided a lot of what I have gone t through. When your gut is talking to you, Please Please listen to it, always.
I am going to try and make a list of things I needed to head warning to from the past, so not to discount them in the future. I think this will help to keep things fresh in my mind and help me to see those red flags I've missed before. Hmm, something to discuss with my therapist.

One particular thing that stands out tonight in my head is the fact that I didn't pay closer attention to someone that did a lot of REFLECTION towards me. That is when someone blames YOU for their own problems and behaviors. Very similar to Gaslighting.

[Girl_On_Fire]

I think a really strong sign of a potentially-abusive relationship is one party wanting to move much faster than the other. It's almost as though they're trying to sell a piece of limited-edition jewelry. "Act now or soon everything will be sold out!"

Soon after meeting they tell you they're in love with you, you're their soul mate, they've had many past lives with you and can remember them in detail, they've dreamed of you for years, etc. They practically trip over themselves to worship at your feet and it becomes overwhelming. They want to move the relationship along quickly and when you question this fact amid the dizziness of the affair, their negative reaction toward the perceived rejection is almost as strong as their proposed "love" for you.

I'm not saying that love at first sight can't happen but when one partner pushes to move in together, start a family, share finances, etc. and they refuse to take the concern that their partner may not yet be ready for this type of commitment into consideration, it might be a red flag.

Another one, and I've seen this one a few times in my own personal life and in the life of others, is escalating the above with claims of disease, financial hardship, and unsafe environment. If you don't come to them, move in with them, let them move in with you, send them money or help them out in some way, they act as though something terrible will befall them. If this happens, it's important to take a step back and ask yourself, 'What did they do before me?' 'How did they make it?'

Everybody experiences disease and hardship but if you're just starting a relationship with them, why are they dumping that all on you and expecting you to rescue them?

[TruTexan]

Well, I have a new therapist and I see her the day after Christmas. Working on those red flags and patterns is going to very interesting, along with working on Myself and all that stuff that goes with having a Broken Picker. I'm glad I have a new therapist to work with, I just hope she is accepting of someone that is lesbian and talks about my past relationships being abusive, gaslighted, etc. etc etc. It's going to be a whole new ballgame to fix my broken picker.

[Rockinonahigh]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

Well, I have a new therapist and I see her the day after Christmas. Working on those red flags and patterns is going to very interesting, along with working on Myself and all that stuff that goes with having a Broken Picker. I'm glad I have a new therapist to work with, I just hope she is accepting of someone that is lesbian and talks about my past relationships being abusive, gaslighted, etc. etc etc. It's going to be a whole new ballgame to fix my broken picker.

Tex,just take it one small step at the time,one thing for sure there will be thing pop up that will surprise you.