Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[Kobi]

Originally Posted by Gemme

It doesn't read like sexual abuse occurs up to 50% of the time to me. It reads that sexual abuse occurred in UP TO 50% of the cases that sexual abuse from a woman partner was documented. We all know that of the cases that are documented, there are far more that are not. Of the documented cases, there could easily be documented incidents up to half of the reported cases. That doesn't mean that it happened 50% of the time. It would only have to happen at least once in up to 50% of the cases documented.

I haven't gone back so forgive me if I didn't see this but was there a clear and definitive definition of sexual abuse for these stats? Was it including only times when a physical assault actually occurred or does it include times that threats of assault were made but perhaps no definitive, physical assault occurred? Did it include sexual harrassment as sexual abuse? Does it include the fucked up mind games that people often play with one another?

Gemme, you ask some very pertinent questions and show some excellent critical thinking skills.

Perhaps if you actually read it, some of those would have been answered and even more generated.

Same goes for the math. Read it. Then venture an opinion based on fact, not arbitrary conjecture.

Would love to discuss it further, once we are working with the same data.

Have a nice day

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Kobi

Gemme, you ask some very pertinent questions and show some excellent critical thinking skills.

Perhaps if you actually read it, some of those would have been answered and even more generated.

Same goes for the math. Read it. Then venture an opinion based on fact, not arbitrary conjecture.

Would love to discuss it further, once we are working with the same data.

Have a nice day

Kobi, your response feels dismissive and condescending. The pat on the head for my 'critical thinking skills' especially.

I will read Snowy's post that she contributed to the thread to see if there are, in fact, definitive descriptions for what the study considers to be sexual abuse and perhaps I will find the answers to my questions.

Having said that, you completely missed the point I was making in regard to your response to Snowy. I don't feel you're reading the statistics properly. They are absolutely within reason. I'm fine with leaving it as an agree to disagree thing, however.

Have a nice day.

[*Anya*]

Impact on Children

A study published in the November 2003 issue of Child Abuse & Neglect found that children exposed to abuse on their mothers -- but not mistreated themselves -- also display increased behavior problems. The research was compiled by the University of Washington-Seattle and the Harborview Injury Prevention and Research Center. The study surveyed 167 Seattle women, all of whom had children between 2- and 17 years old.

Each woman had police-reported or court-reported intimate-partner violence such as physical, psychological or sexual abuse. Each woman also filled out child behavior checklists by phone or mail. Researchers considered the surveyed child to be abused if any report triggered an investigation -- regardless of the findings of that investigation. This definition allows a "more sensitive measure" of mistreatment, and takes the difficulties of prosecuting abuse cases into account, according to the report. Investigators then compared the survey results from a Seattle sample of children with a nationally representative sample of children used to develop the checklist. The Child Behavior Checklist included questions on internalizing behaviors (depressive, withdrawn or anxious behavior) and externalizing behaviors (aggressive or delinquent behaviors).

The results were stronger among the children who had been abused -- but those only exposed to their mothers' abuse were also affected -- they were 60 percent more likely to show externalizing behaviors. They were 40 percent more likely to test in the borderline to clinical range for total behavioral problems.

(Source: University of Washington-Seattle)
Children who suffer family violence are at risk of perpetrating domestic abuse themselves once they reach adulthood, finds to a study that followed over five hundred families for 20 years.

Researchers at Columbia University say three factors are the strongest predictors: "serious behavior problems in adolescence, exposure to domestic violence, and power punishments by the parents—harsh discipline.” Being subjected to physical abuse as a child was most likely to connect to violent romantic relationships later in life. The study found no gender difference among the violent. Both men and women are equally likely to commit acts of physical aggression. More than 20 percent of both genders reported being violent with their partner; 5 percent of this violence brought injury to the partner.

Researchers at Columbia first contacted 543 randomly selected children back in 1975. They, along with their parents, were interviewed in 1983, 1985 and 1991. The final survey, done in 1999, asked about aggressive behavior, romantic history and recent life changes.

(SOURCE: August 2003 issue of the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology)
Children under the age of 12 resided in 43 percent of the households in which domestic violence was reported between 1993 and 1998.

(Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS). May 2000. Intimate Partner Violence. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Justice.)
Slightly more than half of female victims of intimate violence live in households with children under the age of 12.

(US Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics Factbook: Violence by Intimates, March 1998)
Boys who have witnessed partner violence are much more likely to become batterers in their adult relationships than boys who have not had exposure to partner violence in their families. The data is mixed for girls.

(Hotaling and Sugarman, 1996)
A child's exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest risk factor for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next.

(Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family, APA, 1996)
Children exposed to partner violence exhibit symptoms similar to children who are physically and sexually abused, including the perpetuation of violence.

(Davidson, 1995)
In a national study of more than 6,000 American families, 50% of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children.

(Murray A Strauss, Richard J. Gelles, and Christine Smith. Physical Violence in American Families; Risk Factors and Adaptations to Violence in 8,145 Families (New Brunswick: Transaction Publishers, 1990), 407-409)
Men who as children witnessed their parents' domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.

(Murray A. Straus et al., Physical Violence in American Families: Risk Factors and Adaptations to Violence in 8,145 Families. New Brunswick: Transaction Publishers, 1990)

75% of boys who witnessed domestic violence have been found to have demonstrable behavior problems.

(Jaffe, et al., 1987)
Children exposed to partner violence condoned it to resolve relationship conflicts more readily than did control groups.

(Jaffe, Wilson, and Wolfe, 1986)
Between 3.3 and 10 million children witness domestic violence in their home each year.

(Carlson, 1984)
Studies show that children are being physically abused in approximately half the families where the mother is a known victim of domestic assault. Similarly, studies show that mothers are being battered in approximately half the families where her child is a known victim of physical abuse.

(Jeffrey L. Edleson, PhD, The Overlap Between Child Maltreatment and Woman Abuse)

http://www.caepv.org/getinfo/facts_stats.php?factsec=10

[Rockinonahigh]

When I was a kid I had this friend that was so terrified of her father it was unreal,he was the most abusive mean s.o.b.I ever knew.She had three brothers and a sister that felt the same way,the older brother was so much like the old man that he didn't catch fall out but the rest of them did.Once her younger brothers skipped school one day,they were 12 & 14 at the time,when the old man found out about it he beat both of them bad enough to put them both in the hospitial for a while one of the boys was hurt so bad he never was the same again.Mentaly his mind ended up at about age 8,he was choked so bad it damaged his vocal cords to the point he could barely speak,the other brother had to have his face reconstructed bit by bit over a few years but he left home as soon as he turned 18.The two girls either married or just left home.Where was the mother during all this?Well she just told anyone who ask her about the issue hat he was the father and had the right to make sure the kids behaved by whatever means he wanted,everyone knew she was scared of him cause she got her share of the hits as well.Back then we didn't have laws like we do now cause the police did a investagation on the matter but nothing came of it.When the old man died there wasn't a hand full at the funeral.I will never figure out how or why people didn't do something but it was the way of the times,if he had killed one of them he would have been in jail but only for that.

[Kobi]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Kobi, your response feels dismissive and condescending. The pat on the head for my 'critical thinking skills' especially.

I will read Snowy's post that she contributed to the thread to see if there are, in fact, definitive descriptions for what the study considers to be sexual abuse and perhaps I will find the answers to my questions.

Having said that, you completely missed the point I was making in regard to your response to Snowy. I don't feel you're reading the statistics properly. They are absolutely within reason. I'm fine with leaving it as an agree to disagree thing, however.

Have a nice day.

Gemme, I wasnt intending to be dismissive, condescending, or patting anything. You were asking the same questions I was asking myself after reading it.

I see conclusions and I am trying to figure out how they got there.

It is a compilation of studies. Did each study use the same definition or were there different definitions? Did each study touch on all the potential areas of abuse or only specific ones? Were the definitions of abuse the same or reasonably compatible? What was the sample size? Was the sample size statistically significant? Were the statistics based on occurrences of events or the number of people who experienced the event?

I was looking thru the studies used, most of which are from the 1990's. I cant find anything current or updated. I find lots of books but no studies.

As for the statistics, we can agree to disagree but I'm thinking once you have read it, we would be better able to discuss it. It appears, they are talking about the number of people who have experienced something abusive not the number of times. To say up to 50% could mean one person would mean your sample size was 2 people. Yes?

Because it is a compilation, I expect to see variations i.e. 24-90% of the lesbians surveyed, depending on which study, reported at least one undefined act of psychological abuse. That's a huge variation. Is it statistically significant? or it that indicative of something else?

Critical thinking is a good thing.

Feel free to pm me if you want to discuss it further. I am interested in what you think about it and why.

[Dude]

Public humiliation is a big sign ( for me)

[StrongButch]

I am only speaking for myself.I find a therapist can help also dont speak to abuser. If you have unfinished business get a friend to talk to them have no contact Take your life back. Move on with your life dont let them take up space in your head.

[Girl_On_Fire]

I think that talking about warning signs of abusive relationships could also talk about patterns instead of just "what to look out for to avoid an abuser". It helps to also think about yourself in this pattern.

For example: What about warning signs within you? If you've been in a few abusive relationships, how do you change? Do you notice that as soon as you get into certain relationships that your behavior becomes something you don't feel comfortable with or don't recognize? Do you find yourself agreeing to things you never would all in the name of "love"? Does the person you're with perpetuate and encourage this?

I think it's just as important for targets of abuse to look at their own behavior. This is something I have been doing intensely for the past year. For example, when someone is not angry and everything is going fine and suddenly, just from one 30 second exchange, they're snapping at me, I freeze. I can't breathe. I can't say anything. I'm stunned into silence. My brain is whirling. I don't know what to do. It's called selective mutism and it happens to me because sudden displays of anger are terrifying to me.

As a child I would often be scolded, reprimanded, shaken, smacked, and verbally abused because I couldn't pay attention or because I had unknowingly said or done something socially inappropriate. Now, when it happens to me as an adult, my child-self still responds by shutting down. This is something that I am in control of and can work to fix.

If I am able to successfully fix this by trying to talk to the person calmly and ask them to explain what I've done to offend them or speak up for myself if I'm certain I'm being spoken to an inappropriate way, it will go a long way in my not just "going along with something" because I lack the social skills to know if this behavior is inappropriate or not.

I'm a very diplomatic person. I like to talk things out and break everything down step-by-step so I clearly understand what it is that triggered or upset my partner so I don't end up inadvertently repeating the same mistake. While some people do not like to be this specific, my new "dating rule" is this: After a few months of dating, the person will have to understand that this is the only way I can connect my behavior with their reaction.

If the person I'm seeing can't help me do that, we can't see each other. I will not again be with somebody who does not have the patience to do this. In making this decision, I am saying that being with someone with low patience, who doesn't believe the way my brain works, or who has a serious temper is not the right type of person for me. That way, it takes the "abusive" title off the person and just puts it on the behavior/interactions.

Looking at our own defenses and the way our bodies and brains are responding to the people we date can also be a good warning sign. Our gut instincts are telling us something. If we are constantly being triggered by a partner, we can use it as a chance to grow in therapy but continuing in the relationship is probably not the best idea.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I think that talking about warning signs of abusive relationships could also talk about patterns instead of just "what to look out for to avoid an abuser". It helps to also think about yourself in this pattern.

For example: What about warning signs within you? If you've been in a few abusive relationships, how do you change? Do you notice that as soon as you get into certain relationships that your behavior becomes something you don't feel comfortable with or don't recognize? Do you find yourself agreeing to things you never would all in the name of "love"? Does the person you're with perpetuate and encourage this?

I think it's just as important for targets of abuse to look at their own behavior. This is something I have been doing intensely for the past year. For example, when someone is not angry and everything is going fine and suddenly, just from one 30 second exchange, they're snapping at me, I freeze. I can't breathe. I can't say anything. I'm stunned into silence. My brain is whirling. I don't know what to do. It's called selective mutism and it happens to me because sudden displays of anger are terrifying to me.

As a child I would often be scolded, reprimanded, shaken, smacked, and verbally abused because I couldn't pay attention or because I had unknowingly said or done something socially inappropriate. Now, when it happens to me as an adult, my child-self still responds by shutting down. This is something that I am in control of and can work to fix.

If I am able to successfully fix this by trying to talk to the person calmly and ask them to explain what I've done to offend them or speak up for myself if I'm certain I'm being spoken to an inappropriate way, it will go a long way in my not just "going along with something" because I lack the social skills to know if this behavior is inappropriate or not.

I'm a very diplomatic person. I like to talk things out and break everything down step-by-step so I clearly understand what it is that triggered or upset my partner so I don't end up inadvertently repeating the same mistake. While some people do not like to be this specific, my new "dating rule" is this: After a few months of dating, the person will have to understand that this is the only way I can connect my behavior with their reaction.

If the person I'm seeing can't help me do that, we can't see each other. I will not again be with somebody who does not have the patience to do this. In making this decision, I am saying that being with someone with low patience, who doesn't believe the way my brain works, or who has a serious temper is not the right type of person for me. That way, it takes the "abusive" title off the person and just puts it on the behavior/interactions.

Looking at our own defenses and the way our bodies and brains are responding to the people we date can also be a good warning sign. Our gut instincts are telling us something. If we are constantly being triggered by a partner, we can use it as a chance to grow in therapy but continuing in the relationship is probably not the best idea.

I have been thinking about this post and I am not really sure if I have any answers for ME or anyone else. I am going to try and explain what is working for ME.

I have now made a rule that whomever I am to date, if I date anyone again, they will know that I need to be able to resolve conflict. It is a mutual thing, one person doesnt get to say ok I have said what I need to say its done and walk away. Im just as important and I need to be able to voice what and how Im feeling about whatever issue has come up.

I am willing to have time so long as its a set time. I need to be able to get answers not just questions.

It is hard for me not to put the other person first and Im working on that. I have found that I do this way to much and I get left out in the cold so to speak.

I have tried to have "I feel" talk and some how it gets all twisted around to where its all about them and how IM doing xyz to them and how Im doing so and so to hurt them. To me communicate is the key.

Im a talker maybe too much but at least Im not holding it in and making anyone guess what is going on. I know I will shut down when I try to talk to who Im dating and repeatedly get told NOT now. I have asked many times for us(whomever I was dating at the time) to lets make time for said conversations only to be told over and over again that they didnt want to talk about it it wasnt important to them to just drop it. I can tell you that if there is an issue with one person in the relationship there is an issue with both ppl.

Im working on figuring out how to approach subjects with whomever Im with. Let me tell you that is not easy.

I know that I must respect them and their wishes however my needs need to b met also.

I need to sometimes put me first which is like telling the sun NOT to shine during the daytime. Funny we cant tell the moon that we can see it during the day and nite. I dont see myself as the moon it isnt all about me but I want to be the sun and shine when its time and I want whom Im with to be the sun also when its their time to shine.

I am trying to take the target off me my KNOWING who and what I want what I am and am NOT willing to do in a relationship this is a huge step and I hope I can and will be able to take it in time