Talking to family

Ginger · 01-27-2014, 09:47 PM

Hi, Red.

If there's an LGBT center in your area where you feel comfortable, I would start by making an appointment with a counselor who can advise you and your partner on how to start this process.

I would also make a plan to see that person regularly, so you can check in with someone who has a sense of your context and recent history, to help you grounded as you navigate through what might be an unpredictable and volatile situation.

Your instinct to reach out for advice is really healthy. I hope you find a competent, compassionate and knowledgeable person to help you make the right choices about how to communicate all this to your family and loved ones.

Ginger

Red Dirt Girl · 01-30-2014, 10:07 PM

Hi Sleepy and Ginger. Thanks so much for your suggestions and support! We do have supportive folks to talk about this with, which is great. I've started to relax about the whole thing too. My family will not reject us. We are loved. It might be awkward and uncomfortable, but it not be a relationship-ending event.

We are going with a simple, honest, underwhelming reveal (email, probably this weekend). Give them the basics and let them go where they feel most comfortable, at the rate that works best for them. We will be as open with them as we can/want to. But I'm beginning to realize (what might be obvious to everyone else), that I/we set the tone for the reaction.

Thanks again for all the ideas. Changing body in order to make it more comfortable to live in - that's just indisputable! Who can argue with that?

I hope you all have a great night!

SleepyButch · 02-02-2014, 06:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Red Dirt Girl

Hi Sleepy and Ginger. Thanks so much for your suggestions and support! We do have supportive folks to talk about this with, which is great. I've started to relax about the whole thing too. My family will not reject us. We are loved. It might be awkward and uncomfortable, but it not be a relationship-ending event.

We are going with a simple, honest, underwhelming reveal (email, probably this weekend). Give them the basics and let them go where they feel most comfortable, at the rate that works best for them. We will be as open with them as we can/want to. But I'm beginning to realize (what might be obvious to everyone else), that I/we set the tone for the reaction.

Thanks again for all the ideas. Changing body in order to make it more comfortable to live in - that's just indisputable! Who can argue with that?

I hope you all have a great night!

Best of Luck! Let us know how it went and good luck to your partner on his surgery!

Red Dirt Girl · 02-09-2014, 03:20 PM

I just emailed my sister and told her about my partner. I'm sitting here with a nervous tummy hoping for a reply. i had started to write an email to both my mom and sis but as i was writing it i got an email from my sister (unrelated) and decided to just tell her first. i think she will be supportive and i kind of think she won't be surprised but i am still rather anxious. thanks for listening.

Red Dirt Girl · 02-09-2014, 03:29 PM

i hope i don't sound disrespectful to folks who either have come out themselves (which I imagine could be a lot more difficult than my situation) or those who just in general are likely to have a really difficult time with this. that's not my intention at all. i just needed some support and appreciate being able to ask this community for it.

Nadeest · 02-09-2014, 05:26 PM

You didn't sound disrespectful at all, to my mind.

little_ms_sunshyne · 02-09-2014, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Red Dirt Girl

I just emailed my sister and told her about my partner. I'm sitting here with a nervous tummy hoping for a reply. i had started to write an email to both my mom and sis but as i was writing it i got an email from my sister (unrelated) and decided to just tell her first. i think she will be supportive and i kind of think she won't be surprised but i am still rather anxious. thanks for listening.

Sending you positive energy!

Red Dirt Girl · 02-09-2014, 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by little_ms_sunshyne

Sending you positive energy!

thank you!

Ginger · 02-09-2014, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Red Dirt Girl

I just emailed my sister and told her about my partner. I'm sitting here with a nervous tummy hoping for a reply. i had started to write an email to both my mom and sis but as i was writing it i got an email from my sister (unrelated) and decided to just tell her first. i think she will be supportive and i kind of think she won't be surprised but i am still rather anxious. thanks for listening.

That's a really good strategy, to start with the person most likely to be supportive, and move out from that base with that person as a tacit ally.

Remember, they might not all be supportive—but if you stay connected with that supportive person, it might help.soe or afew is better than none.

Red Dirt Girl · 02-09-2014, 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ginger

That's a really good strategy, to start with the person most likely to be supportive, and move out from that base with that person as a tacit ally.

Remember, they might not all be supportive—but if you stay connected with that supportive person, it might help.soe or afew is better than none.

thanks ginger. i agree.

god, i just don't know how to tell my mom. i don't want her to feel that i've been deceptive. i'm not very concerned about other's reactions, just mom and sis. and a few others now that i think about it more. many of our friends already know and are supportive. it's just the nearest and dearest i'm so sensitive about.

DMW · 02-10-2014, 12:46 PM

Hello Reddirtgirl,

I remember you from the old site. So, it pains me that you are struggling.
The two of you will get through this. It is difficult to put it all into terms.
I actually wrote a few things awhile back. I will share them.

One step at a time and one person at a time. Don't let fear keep
you from showing the proper respects to those you deem worthy.

For my direct family, the sooner I told each individual the better.
It allowed each of them time to absorb the idea and reflect. It allowed me
more time to make myself available for their questions and their need to discuss. I tried to reveal my transition ,in person, as much as possible.
My second method was via phone call.

The coming out to extended family was written in letter form and mailed to each simultaneously. I informed them all because some would be seeing me in person for a family event. mailing the letters allowed time for each to come to their own terms with the idea and to talk to one another. And, later, talk to me in person. Delaying the mass letter mailing had another advantage. My direct family understood much more about being trans and about my personal feelings and thus, allowed them to explain to and talk to extended family.

Each person will respond differently. They are individuals.
I knew that I could not expect acceptance from anyone because I had to allow them the freedom to go through their own process of first trying to understand, ask questions etc ...and then accepting my truth or not. In addition, I had to respect that they had to be able to accept me no matter what and for some it may not be possible. And for the individuals that I knew would accept me no matter what, they would still have to deal with change. It's a big change but you are still the same person they have always known.
It is really difficult when you know that the ones you love will love you
no matter what. But, Red...you are not harming them. It's ok.

I would suggest that you tell your sister first and gather off of her how
to best engage with your mother. Talking to your sister about it first, will also help you. She will have questions etc. and time to think about it and ask you more questions... It will relieve some of the pressure and anxiety on you.
It will also prep you and give you strength for the next round.

My notes are choppy. Wasn't sure i was going to share.
I have not read all of the thread either. Feel free to pm me. Maybe I can
share more. hugs for both of you.

01-27-2014, 09:47 PM	#1
Ginger Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: East coast Posts: 2,416 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,829 Thanked 12,297 Times in 2,057 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Hi, Red. If there's an LGBT center in your area where you feel comfortable, I would start by making an appointment with a counselor who can advise you and your partner on how to start this process. I would also make a plan to see that person regularly, so you can check in with someone who has a sense of your context and recent history, to help you grounded as you navigate through what might be an unpredictable and volatile situation. Your instinct to reach out for advice is really healthy. I hope you find a competent, compassionate and knowledgeable person to help you make the right choices about how to communicate all this to your family and loved ones. Ginger __________________ Reach out.

01-30-2014, 10:07 PM	#2
Red Dirt Girl Member How Do You Identify?: Stone Femme Preferred Pronoun?: PrincessPrettyPants, please. Relationship Status: Excellent. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: near the ocean Posts: 188 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 387 Thanked 265 Times in 94 Posts Rep Power: 4524911	Hi Sleepy and Ginger. Thanks so much for your suggestions and support! We do have supportive folks to talk about this with, which is great. I've started to relax about the whole thing too. My family will not reject us. We are loved. It might be awkward and uncomfortable, but it not be a relationship-ending event. We are going with a simple, honest, underwhelming reveal (email, probably this weekend). Give them the basics and let them go where they feel most comfortable, at the rate that works best for them. We will be as open with them as we can/want to. But I'm beginning to realize (what might be obvious to everyone else), that I/we set the tone for the reaction. Thanks again for all the ideas. Changing body in order to make it more comfortable to live in - that's just indisputable! Who can argue with that? I hope you all have a great night! __________________ Red

02-09-2014, 03:20 PM	#4
Red Dirt Girl Member How Do You Identify?: Stone Femme Preferred Pronoun?: PrincessPrettyPants, please. Relationship Status: Excellent. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: near the ocean Posts: 188 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 387 Thanked 265 Times in 94 Posts Rep Power: 4524911	I just emailed my sister and told her about my partner. I'm sitting here with a nervous tummy hoping for a reply. i had started to write an email to both my mom and sis but as i was writing it i got an email from my sister (unrelated) and decided to just tell her first. i think she will be supportive and i kind of think she won't be surprised but i am still rather anxious. thanks for listening. __________________ Red

02-09-2014, 03:29 PM	#5
Red Dirt Girl Member How Do You Identify?: Stone Femme Preferred Pronoun?: PrincessPrettyPants, please. Relationship Status: Excellent. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: near the ocean Posts: 188 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 387 Thanked 265 Times in 94 Posts Rep Power: 4524911	p.s. i hope i don't sound disrespectful to folks who either have come out themselves (which I imagine could be a lot more difficult than my situation) or those who just in general are likely to have a really difficult time with this. that's not my intention at all. i just needed some support and appreciate being able to ask this community for it. __________________ Red Last edited by Red Dirt Girl; 02-09-2014 at 03:30 PM. Reason: removed smiley face b/c i thought it looked trite and silly.

02-09-2014, 05:26 PM	#6
Nadeest Member How Do You Identify?: as myself Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Leesburg, FL Posts: 595 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,876 Thanked 2,118 Times in 501 Posts Rep Power: 17077997	You didn't sound disrespectful at all, to my mind.

02-10-2014, 12:46 PM	#11
DMW Member How Do You Identify?: FTM/Male (Will 14) Relationship Status: Caught An Angel and she doesn't lie! Join Date: May 2012 Location: @ Posts: 784 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,256 Thanked 1,858 Times in 614 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	Hello Reddirtgirl, I remember you from the old site. So, it pains me that you are struggling. The two of you will get through this. It is difficult to put it all into terms. I actually wrote a few things awhile back. I will share them. One step at a time and one person at a time. Don't let fear keep you from showing the proper respects to those you deem worthy. For my direct family, the sooner I told each individual the better. It allowed each of them time to absorb the idea and reflect. It allowed me more time to make myself available for their questions and their need to discuss. I tried to reveal my transition ,in person, as much as possible. My second method was via phone call. The coming out to extended family was written in letter form and mailed to each simultaneously. I informed them all because some would be seeing me in person for a family event. mailing the letters allowed time for each to come to their own terms with the idea and to talk to one another. And, later, talk to me in person. Delaying the mass letter mailing had another advantage. My direct family understood much more about being trans and about my personal feelings and thus, allowed them to explain to and talk to extended family. Each person will respond differently. They are individuals. I knew that I could not expect acceptance from anyone because I had to allow them the freedom to go through their own process of first trying to understand, ask questions etc ...and then accepting my truth or not. In addition, I had to respect that they had to be able to accept me no matter what and for some it may not be possible. And for the individuals that I knew would accept me no matter what, they would still have to deal with change. It's a big change but you are still the same person they have always known. It is really difficult when you know that the ones you love will love you no matter what. But, Red...you are not harming them. It's ok. I would suggest that you tell your sister first and gather off of her how to best engage with your mother. Talking to your sister about it first, will also help you. She will have questions etc. and time to think about it and ask you more questions... It will relieve some of the pressure and anxiety on you. It will also prep you and give you strength for the next round. My notes are choppy. Wasn't sure i was going to share. I have not read all of the thread either. Feel free to pm me. Maybe I can share more. hugs for both of you.