Relationships - What things do you want & need?

[oboejive]

I have been with my partner over 5 years. I love her dearly, we live together, and she is caring, compassionate, and supportive. However, we are both really busy as well. She works 60 hours a week (give or take), and I work 40 hours, am in school online, and I perform in local GLBT wind ensemble here in South Florida. Well, I wanted everyone's take on this. For those of you who have been in long-term relationships/partnerships, do you ever experience lesbian bed death? Or a lack of sex? I have a sex drive, but my partner claims she has none now, and I don't even remember the last time we had sex. Does this happen a lot? I guess that sex is something I need too, and we've talked about marriage, but we are having difficulties getting around the whole sex thing. Thoughts?

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by oboejive

I have been with my partner over 5 years. I love her dearly, we live together, and she is caring, compassionate, and supportive. However, we are both really busy as well. She works 60 hours a week (give or take), and I work 40 hours, am in school online, and I perform in local GLBT wind ensemble here in South Florida. Well, I wanted everyone's take on this. For those of you who have been in long-term relationships/partnerships, do you ever experience lesbian bed death? Or a lack of sex? I have a sex drive, but my partner claims she has none now, and I don't even remember the last time we had sex. Does this happen a lot? I guess that sex is something I need too, and we've talked about marriage, but we are having difficulties getting around the whole sex thing. Thoughts?

The phrase lesbian bed death always makes me touchy.

I might be sensitive to it, being a lesbian and all...

I believe that all relationships go through periods of time when sex may wax and wane.

I was married to a bio man in my early 20's that had virtually zero sex drive, so I try not to generalize.

My GF and I will be be together 2 years in the beginning of December.

Did we have way more sex in the first 8-12 months; yes. Absolutely.

After that, it did fall off. I think that between my very demanding job and hers, we let life get in the way.

Then she got laid off and I know that affected her libido.

I know folks in their 80's and 90's still have sexual relationships but I am sure it is not nightly, either.

I know I had a much greater libido until after I had a total hysterectomy.

50% of a woman's testosterone is produced by her ovaries. If ovaries are removed, one will have a marked drop in testosterone. At least with menopause, the drop is more gradual than immediate.

The point that I am making is that life stressors, unverbalized anger or irritation with a partner or medical reasons or not putting the effort into ensuring a sexual relationship is maintained; can affect a sexual relationship.

About 3 months ago we both decided that it was not acceptable to let our sex life slide. Even with love, I believe that good sex is the glue of a relationship.

We make dates at least once per week to have sex. Regardless of what is going on! You know something, we always get in the mood and are always so glad and happy that we did.

We made a commitment to each other to not let it slide again. We really try to be open and honest about how we are feeling, even if it is difficult or makes us feel vulnerable or embarrassed.

It is really critical to be able to communicate about this.

I hope this helps a little.

Good luck.

[Martina]

Originally Posted by oboejive

I have been with my partner over 5 years. I love her dearly, we live together, and she is caring, compassionate, and supportive. However, we are both really busy as well. She works 60 hours a week (give or take), and I work 40 hours, am in school online, and I perform in local GLBT wind ensemble here in South Florida. Well, I wanted everyone's take on this. For those of you who have been in long-term relationships/partnerships, do you ever experience lesbian bed death? Or a lack of sex? I have a sex drive, but my partner claims she has none now, and I don't even remember the last time we had sex. Does this happen a lot? I guess that sex is something I need too, and we've talked about marriage, but we are having difficulties getting around the whole sex thing. Thoughts?

If you do not plan to have an open relationship, I would not consider marrying someone who is sexually incompatible. I understand that five years together is a lot of time and a lot of love. I am not saying break up now or anything, but do not get married. I have seen so many sexual partners of asexual people become depressed and unhappy.

[Gráinne]

Originally Posted by oboejive

I have been with my partner over 5 years. I love her dearly, we live together, and she is caring, compassionate, and supportive. However, we are both really busy as well. She works 60 hours a week (give or take), and I work 40 hours, am in school online, and I perform in local GLBT wind ensemble here in South Florida. Well, I wanted everyone's take on this. For those of you who have been in long-term relationships/partnerships, do you ever experience lesbian bed death? Or a lack of sex? I have a sex drive, but my partner claims she has none now, and I don't even remember the last time we had sex. Does this happen a lot? I guess that sex is something I need too, and we've talked about marriage, but we are having difficulties getting around the whole sex thing. Thoughts?

Everybody's "busy". I too have a combination of work, school, kids, volunteering, and the rest of my life. The day I find that being busy has wiped my sex drive is the day I know I'm Way too busy.

Assuming that your partner is not asexual (and it sounds like the drive just went pfft and used to exist), then, IMO, sex by whatever definition and activity with the one you love is one of life's greatest joys. That to me is part of the point of being in a relationship. Without that sexual relationship you share with none other, you have a living arrangement
I'm not saying that life doesn't tank sex here and there, but if you honestly can't remember, that's too long.

Assuming, also, that both of you are healthy and have no chronic illnesses or hormonal issues that can underlie a flat desire, then my advice isn't to chalk it up to "oh wells, LBD happens, we're not different from any other couple", but to really look at what's going on. I would be extremely hurt if my partner told me she had no sex drive, as she's supposed to find me irresistible . Are you both avoiding the sexual side of your relationship through working? This is going to take some difficult conversations and it might be worth seeing a LBGT counselor.

Martina is right, and I can tell you from experience, do not get married before you really resolve this issue. Otherwise, bad or nonexistent sex issues will mushroom like a smoke cloud through the rest of your otherwise very compatible relationship. Good luck.

[JDeere]

Someone who doesn't make promises, they know they can't keep! Or runs off when they find out about other aspects of my life.

[Liam]

I want a partner who appreciates sharing the daily acts of living. One who is capable of communicating difficult things without raising their voice, and can have difficult discussions, rather than walking away or ending the relationship. I want to be with a woman/girl who adores me, as much as I adore her, one who loves being sexual and kinky and isn't afraid to make noise. I want a partner who enjoys taking walks with me, someone who readily shares what is going on in their life and mind, enjoys expressing their creativity, and likes to read books.

I know there are more things, but this is what is on my mind this evening.

[Sweet Bliss]

I've resisted saying I give up meeting someone. But really, I give up. Looking in my area or online makes no difference. I don't know how other peeps find true love. The whole concept escapes me. Totally. Despite my attitude I would genuinely like a butch friend to just hang with and do stuff.

But have pretty much given up on that also.

Ideally would enjoy two sided conversations, coffee in the early morning air. Deep discussion. Sharing, mutual compassion, empathy and humor.

Ya I know. Good luck with that.

[RockOn]

Must have four paws on the ground ... that is the extent of my close relationships ... and I am good with it.

My trust tends to thin out in a hurry regarding anything else. I don't even want to be bothered. Please leave me out of your happy horse chit. (translation: sweet candy-coated lies)

I love my dog ... and about 3 people.

[SleepyButch]

I want someone who will go to the movies to see or stay at home and watch scary movies with me!

[RockOn]

Hey SleepyButch, I'll watch scary movies with you ... but we both already know to skip the hand-holding and cuddling with each other parts. LOL!

[Gaige]

Originally Posted by Sweet Bliss

I've resisted saying I give up meeting someone. But really, I give up. Looking in my area or online makes no difference. I don't know how other peeps find true love. The whole concept escapes me. Totally. Despite my attitude I would genuinely like a butch friend to just hang with and do stuff.

But have pretty much given up on that also.

Ideally would enjoy two sided conversations, coffee in the early morning air. Deep discussion. Sharing, mutual compassion, empathy and humor.

Ya I know. Good luck with that.

I can’t say that I’ve given up. I’m just not actively searching. My work schedule is not ordinary and I’m not sure most femmes wouldn’t mind it. So I’m with you on the butch-femme friendship idea. Since I don’t have a lot of time to dedicate to a relationship, I’ve been thinking that what I want is a friendship with a femme. No expectations. No pressure to find time to meet up. Just 2 friends hanging out when time allows. Yep, that’s what I want.