About Butches Q & A

[bicentennialjenn]

i'm wondering if anyone can relate. i'm with someone younger, and i'm her first lesbian experience (ever!). even though i should be more experienced, i feel like it's the opposite. she said she fell in love with me after dating 1 month and is sexually assertive... she wants to go down on me and use a strap on all the time (which is great), but she is really good at both and seems experienced. i would have thought it would take time to be confident/good at it? i am not complaining, just curious. was it like that w/any butches here? like one day you're dating men and the next you realize you are 100% into a woman and telling her you're in love w/her and fine going down/using strap on and ready to tell your parents you're a lesbian??? did you need any adjustment or was it that sudden? were you like that as soon as you met a woman you were attracted to? why i'm asking is that i think part of me has a hard time believing this is true, but she's never lied to me about anything else.

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by bicentennialjenn

i'm wondering if anyone can relate. i'm with someone younger, and i'm her first lesbian experience (ever!). even though i should be more experienced, i feel like it's the opposite. she said she fell in love with me after dating 1 month and is sexually assertive... she wants to go down on me and use a strap on all the time (which is great), but she is really good at both and seems experienced. i would have thought it would take time to be confident/good at it? i am not complaining, just curious. was it like that w/any butches here? like one day you're dating men and the next you realize you are 100% into a woman and telling her you're in love w/her and fine going down/using strap on and ready to tell your parents you're a lesbian??? did you need any adjustment or was it that sudden? were you like that as soon as you met a woman you were attracted to? why i'm asking is that i think part of me has a hard time believing this is true, but she's never lied to me about anything else.

I guess I wonder, has she thought about women before you came along? I thought about women even while dating men.

I fell head over heels in love with the first woman I was dating pretty quickly if I remember correctly. I think it was because of all of those endorphins that were being released because I was finally dating/having sex with women. Maybe that is what is going on for her. Maybe that is what is going on for her. She is happy with you and she is having sex (endorphins).

As far as her experience goes, I don't know but why would she lie. Some people are just naturally good at sex and I guess if she has been in the past with men, maybe that is why she is confident now. Did you ever ask her how she got so good?

[bicentennialjenn]

thanks for your insight... the endorphins part makes sense. she said she had zero thoughts about women before me. she's mid 20s and looks/acts butch. can't see why she'd lie but i still can't help but wonder. guess it shouldn't matter. and i did joke w/her about being so good in bed... she denies it lol

[randrum]

Originally Posted by bicentennialjenn

thanks for your insight... the endorphins part makes sense. she said she had zero thoughts about women before me. she's mid 20s and looks/acts butch. can't see why she'd lie but i still can't help but wonder. guess it shouldn't matter. and i did joke w/her about being so good in bed... she denies it lol

I'm in my late 20s. And while I've never dated men, I was sort of a "late bloomer" (relatively speaking). I figured out I was different pretty young, but never knew how to classify it. I didn't have my first kiss, with anyone, until I was 19. Didn't officially come out until I was 21. And only recently started identifying as butch.

That being said, I knew instantly that being with a woman was right for me. Now, I had thought about women before. But never acted on my thoughts until my first girlfriend and it just clicked right away.

Some people just are more sexually assertive. Personally, I expected to be shy at first, especially with my more experienced first girlfriend. But I found I'm a natural top and it just came easier. Maybe your girlfriend is the same way.

My other thought is that it's easier for your girlfriend to be in control of the situation. Some times its hard to put yourself in a vulnerable position, such as letting someone go down on you. If she controls the situation, she can set the pace and make sure things progress in a way she's comfortable. Now, I don't know if that's really the answer, just another thought about what may be happening.

[randrum]

I haven't been on this site very long. A week maybe? And I have found a lot of good stuff. And met some cool people, even made some friends. But last night in chat I had a mini freak out moment.

I was asked if I identified as male or female. I answered both, either. But internally I was sort of freaking out. Needless to say I fled a few minutes later, which I'm not overly proud of. But the answer to the question is I don't know.

I've always identified as female. I mean, I was born female, raised female, even was forced into many dresses as a kid. But I was also a huge tomboy. And I had kids make fun of me for being boyish. Even as an adult I get looks and comments.

When I came out, I had a group of all gay friends who were really supportive and proud of being gay. But I realize now they were really narrow minded. They didn't have room in their view of sexual/gender identity for anything besides gay and lesbian. Butch was not something that was accepted. And I sort of went along with it, because I didn't know any better or had the courage/self-confidence to go against the group.

But after college and losing touch with that group, my view of myself started to evolve. And I learned to start being comfortable in my own skin. So I started to shop for clothes in the men's department and wear male cologne because I like the smell on me.

The last couple years have been eye opening. And I can finally admit that yes, I am butch. But at this point, I don't know much more than that. Or even what it means completely to me. So yes, I've always identified as female. But maybe I would be okay identifying as male. I mean, I have only recently started packing on occasion and it feels completely natural and, well, me. So why wouldn't identifying as male too?

I know that I am over generalizing things. Because gender identity is anything but black and white. And as I am learning it's a deeply personal, continually evolving dynamic. My mini freak out isn't a bad thing, it's a learning thing. A growing moment.

I still have a ways to go in figuring out myself. But I don't have to do it immediately. The one thing I do know is that I've found the right place to help me through the process. All the different threads I've read, stories from all of you, have been so helpful. And informative. So thanks for sharing.

[DapperButch]

randrum,

Don't forget that sex and gender are not the same thing. There are butches who identify as female (sex), but not as a woman (gender). Butch is also a gender.

Additionally, many do not see sex (male/female) as binary and instead see it as on a continuum. Genderqueer people, for example see themselves as somewhere in the middle (or they see themselves as both). There are gender neutral people, genderfluid people, etc.

I am just suggesting that you don't jump to male from female. There is lots inbetween. Don't stress yourself out about it. Do some research on gender theory.

I identify as stone, butch, and as transgender (not transsexual). I use male pronouns, but I am also ok with "hy". I am closer to male on the gender/sex continuum and have had male top surgery. Professionally, I live as female, but outside of work I usually "pass" for male and prefer to be related to as a male by the public. I use the men's restroom. See? Gender is fluid and fun! ha! Don't box yourself in!

I have never been to our chat, but I assume people are asking because they want to know which pronoun you would like used. You can either tell them you just want your name used, or choose a pronoun.

Last thing. There are a lot of female identified butches (plus butches who identify as both a female and as a woman), who are more masculine than male identified butches. Additionally, there are a lot of female identified butches who pack. Don't let the traditional societal way of thinking about gender get in your way.

Enjoy the gender journey!

[SleepyButch]

I have always identified as a female (sex) butch but that is because I do not see myself as male (sex). I have all of my female parts and even if I don't necessary want to think of them as female, I don't want to change them either (although I did have a breast reduction years ago because what I had just didn't feel right). I strap. It's a natural extension of who I am when I do. I consider myself to be a really masculine dude!

When it comes to family or friends who don't know what Butch/Femme is, I am always she. I get called lady, woman, girl and sometimes sir, guy, etc by strangers depending on who it is and where I am.

When it comes to being in the Butch/Femme world that I prefer to live in, I use male pronouns, he, him, etc because it's an expression of my masculinity, it feels right, and I like it. I have no problem with hy/hym either.


When a femme asks me how I identify, it makes me swoon a little bit because I know that this is a person who gets it and cares enough to ask.


Anyway, I think we are all always evolving in one way or another. I know I am. Maybe at this point in your life it's okay to say that you are still trying to figure things out. Nothing wrong with that and people will respect you for it.