Relationships - What things do you want & need?

[anotherbutch]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

Someone who stays... and works through problems...

That's hard to find Jenn... most people bail at the first sign of trouble.. especially in this lifestyle.. in my experience.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've given up for now. I'm going to finish school before I try looking again. I think I might try looking again. I'm not sure - we will see what happens when I get there. Putting myself out there and dating feels pretty awful most of the time and it's draining and discouraging. I like the sense of peace I have *not* dating.
And I have a list of things I need that so far are just too much. And I'm not going to change it.

But here it is anyway:

- Butch, genderqueer, boy-minded androgynous, or transmasculine gender.
- lives within 3/3.5 hours travel time of me. I can stretch that to five MAYBE if everything else is exceptional and they don't want me to eventually move to the states, because that isn't going to happen.


From my okcupid profile:

*You must be emotionally stable. Quirks are par for the course but I do need someone even keeled and reliable.

*Friends first. I'm looking for a partner. Let's get to know each other before we consider dating. Dating is also not a commitment. It's dating.

* You know the difference between Intimacy and Intensity.

* You are openly communicative. You try. Hard. Intentionally vauge or evasive I don't find cute or mysterious.

*I don't mind people using the odd joint, my friends indulge, but no daily pot smokers. Know moderation with alcohol - no binge drinkers.

*Sex-wise, I'm a "feisty" Femme submissive. You consider yourself at least interested in exploring kink and to being the Boss in the bedroom. No experience in kink needed - It's enthusiasm that turns my crank - But you need to be able to talk about sex without getting freaked out. I like organic go-with-the-flow too, but I need to know our desires match first.

*I'm a queer-dyke, not bisexual and not a lesbian's lesbian. Many of my partners did not identify as women, though they were all female embodied. No cis males.

[JustLovelyJenn]

Originally Posted by anotherbutch

That's hard to find Jenn... most people bail at the first sign of trouble.. especially in this lifestyle.. in my experience.

I know there has to be someone... somewhere... who works as hard as me to make the people in their lives happy... I can't give up... I don't like myself without hope.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I guess it depends.
"Giving up hope" for me was pretty key in me getting a grip on myself and becoming happy with being single, of link ng in the present tense and not the future, the thing where "everything will be better when I lose weight/get a partner/graduate school"
So I decided to focus on now and let go of the future. Its been a great thing for me

[JustLovelyJenn]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I guess it depends.
"Giving up hope" for me was pretty key in me getting a grip on myself and becoming happy with being single, of link ng in the present tense and not the future, the thing where "everything will be better when I lose weight/get a partner/graduate school"
So I decided to focus on now and let go of the future. Its been a great thing for me

I apologize, this was in no way a dig. I spent three years very stubbornly not dating. It was the best thing I ever did. I love who I became. I am very happy with my life and myself. What I learned in that process is that I don't need anyone... but I do very much want someone. And now I have the strength and determination to not settle for less. So I'm dating and I'm looking... and I know someday, somewhere... I will find that person that is my perfect match... imperfections and all.

[Hominid]

I want someone who says "yes". In wanting that, I realized I have to do that as well. Anxiety, being a stodgy old stick in the mud ... get in the way.

I deserve someone going the extra mile for ME - I'm trying really hard to remember that, rather than chasing and wooing (which is admittedly fun). But I'd like to be chased, too - or at least I deserve someone making extra effort and extending kindness and feedback. I need to be wooed also. That's been very hard to admit.

I also have to admit that I'm NOT okay being alone. Or I'm too okay. But there are things I just don't do for myself, or care enough to do. There IS a hole, and as non-pc as that is, it also leaves me space for someone in my life. Note: there's not a hole in ME, just in my life. There is also a huge part of me, the best part of me, not in use when not in a relationship. I find many my age don't leave room after they work so hard to be self-sufficient. I am not completely self sufficient. I want someone who is invested enough to make sure I take my pills. Maybe makes me lunch for work. Again, not exactly PC or modern or the way things are done, but it's me and I'm not going to fight me anymore. I'm okay being alone, I have my routine, I'm not in a panic. But there are things in my life that require a partner for me to enjoy, and I'm not going to deny that fact any more.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

I apologize, this was in no way a dig. I spent three years very stubbornly not dating. It was the best thing I ever did. I love who I became. I am very happy with my life and myself. What I learned in that process is that I don't need anyone... but I do very much want someone. And now I have the strength and determination to not settle for less. So I'm dating and I'm looking... and I know someday, somewhere... I will find that person that is my perfect match... imperfections and all.

Oh I don't see debate or discussion or a different point of view as a dig. I'm not that thensthative

What I mean is, I have gotten to a place where I am ok with the possibility of me never having another long term relationship. It's important for me to not fear that or find it depressing. To work on being happy single and possibly just never having another relationship. I'm not looking. I will leave the door ajar, but I'm not going to go out of my way to impress someone that's not the kind of partner I would want.

If I do let someone in don't want pursuit or chasing from either of us.

I was codependant for so many years and I didn't want to be alone, I wasn't ok alone, I needed to function and care for someone else or I felt a gap.

The prospect of never having someone was bleak and terrible.

Now I am ok with the prospect of never having someone long term again. It's no longer depressing or scary. I like my life. It's easier than it has been in my past. It's peaceful. So if it is lovely and ok to be on my own right now, there is no need to think that I don't have everything I need right now. And will I feel that way in five minutes? Probably. And five minutes from then? Sure, absolutely. And five minutes from then and so on and so forth? Why not.

I don't wanna wind up with someone who needs me more than they want me. I'd prefer they didn't need me at all. But that they allow me to do some things for them cause I enjoy doing those things. And vice versa. I'd like someone who enjoys taking me out. Who gets a hard on from taking me to see a museum, or out for dinner, or to a lecture, or gallery. Who loves having pic nics with me. Easy to hang out with, be my friend, and laugh and talk a lot.

But I'm ok with that not happening. I've had a couple great loves. I'll be just fine with long periods of me being with me and sometimes some no commitment happy sex with someone for a couple months.

So if the right person strolls through the ajar door and takes me out for ice cream and a tool around a museum - fantastic. If not, my life is still lovely the way it is.