About Butches Q & A

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by bicentennialjenn

i'm wondering if anyone can relate. i'm with someone younger, and i'm her first lesbian experience (ever!). even though i should be more experienced, i feel like it's the opposite. she said she fell in love with me after dating 1 month and is sexually assertive... she wants to go down on me and use a strap on all the time (which is great), but she is really good at both and seems experienced. i would have thought it would take time to be confident/good at it? i am not complaining, just curious. was it like that w/any butches here? like one day you're dating men and the next you realize you are 100% into a woman and telling her you're in love w/her and fine going down/using strap on and ready to tell your parents you're a lesbian??? did you need any adjustment or was it that sudden? were you like that as soon as you met a woman you were attracted to? why i'm asking is that i think part of me has a hard time believing this is true, but she's never lied to me about anything else.

I guess I wonder, has she thought about women before you came along? I thought about women even while dating men.

I fell head over heels in love with the first woman I was dating pretty quickly if I remember correctly. I think it was because of all of those endorphins that were being released because I was finally dating/having sex with women. Maybe that is what is going on for her. Maybe that is what is going on for her. She is happy with you and she is having sex (endorphins).

As far as her experience goes, I don't know but why would she lie. Some people are just naturally good at sex and I guess if she has been in the past with men, maybe that is why she is confident now. Did you ever ask her how she got so good?

[bicentennialjenn]

thanks for your insight... the endorphins part makes sense. she said she had zero thoughts about women before me. she's mid 20s and looks/acts butch. can't see why she'd lie but i still can't help but wonder. guess it shouldn't matter. and i did joke w/her about being so good in bed... she denies it lol

[randrum]

Originally Posted by bicentennialjenn

thanks for your insight... the endorphins part makes sense. she said she had zero thoughts about women before me. she's mid 20s and looks/acts butch. can't see why she'd lie but i still can't help but wonder. guess it shouldn't matter. and i did joke w/her about being so good in bed... she denies it lol

I'm in my late 20s. And while I've never dated men, I was sort of a "late bloomer" (relatively speaking). I figured out I was different pretty young, but never knew how to classify it. I didn't have my first kiss, with anyone, until I was 19. Didn't officially come out until I was 21. And only recently started identifying as butch.

That being said, I knew instantly that being with a woman was right for me. Now, I had thought about women before. But never acted on my thoughts until my first girlfriend and it just clicked right away.

Some people just are more sexually assertive. Personally, I expected to be shy at first, especially with my more experienced first girlfriend. But I found I'm a natural top and it just came easier. Maybe your girlfriend is the same way.

My other thought is that it's easier for your girlfriend to be in control of the situation. Some times its hard to put yourself in a vulnerable position, such as letting someone go down on you. If she controls the situation, she can set the pace and make sure things progress in a way she's comfortable. Now, I don't know if that's really the answer, just another thought about what may be happening.

[randrum]

I haven't been on this site very long. A week maybe? And I have found a lot of good stuff. And met some cool people, even made some friends. But last night in chat I had a mini freak out moment.

I was asked if I identified as male or female. I answered both, either. But internally I was sort of freaking out. Needless to say I fled a few minutes later, which I'm not overly proud of. But the answer to the question is I don't know.

I've always identified as female. I mean, I was born female, raised female, even was forced into many dresses as a kid. But I was also a huge tomboy. And I had kids make fun of me for being boyish. Even as an adult I get looks and comments.

When I came out, I had a group of all gay friends who were really supportive and proud of being gay. But I realize now they were really narrow minded. They didn't have room in their view of sexual/gender identity for anything besides gay and lesbian. Butch was not something that was accepted. And I sort of went along with it, because I didn't know any better or had the courage/self-confidence to go against the group.

But after college and losing touch with that group, my view of myself started to evolve. And I learned to start being comfortable in my own skin. So I started to shop for clothes in the men's department and wear male cologne because I like the smell on me.

The last couple years have been eye opening. And I can finally admit that yes, I am butch. But at this point, I don't know much more than that. Or even what it means completely to me. So yes, I've always identified as female. But maybe I would be okay identifying as male. I mean, I have only recently started packing on occasion and it feels completely natural and, well, me. So why wouldn't identifying as male too?

I know that I am over generalizing things. Because gender identity is anything but black and white. And as I am learning it's a deeply personal, continually evolving dynamic. My mini freak out isn't a bad thing, it's a learning thing. A growing moment.

I still have a ways to go in figuring out myself. But I don't have to do it immediately. The one thing I do know is that I've found the right place to help me through the process. All the different threads I've read, stories from all of you, have been so helpful. And informative. So thanks for sharing.

[Deborah*]

I would like to know what percent of butches do you think are attracted to femmes? And what percent to butches?
I've always been curious about this.

Deborah

[Lyte]

Well.... I'm thinking your data is likely to be a bit squed since this is a Butch/Femme site. Even so, there are some Butches on here who have said they like other Butches.

As for a % ... I couldn't say ... but... you can count me among the Femme fan gang. <~~ say that five times fast!

Originally Posted by Deborah*

I would like to know what percent of butches do you think are attracted to femmes? And what percent to butches?
I've always been curious about this.

Deborah

[Deborah*]

Again I'm asking.. please answer, I've been curious and would like to know.

What percent of butches do you think are attracted to femmes, and what percent are attracted to butches? To clarify, I'm not referring to this website, but the public in general.

Deborah

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by Deborah*

Again I'm asking.. please answer, I've been curious and would like to know.

What percent of butches do you think are attracted to femmes, and what percent are attracted to butches? To clarify, I'm not referring to this website, but the public in general.

Deborah

I dont think there has been a study on this. I know that each of us no matter how we ID is ever changing.

I wish you luck getting this answer

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Deborah*

Again I'm asking.. please answer, I've been curious and would like to know.

What percent of butches do you think are attracted to femmes, and what percent are attracted to butches? To clarify, I'm not referring to this website, but the public in general.

Deborah

My only experiences of butches is online B-F forums over the 15+ I have been on them. It is rare to see a butch interested another butch. “In real life”, I mainly see androgynous lesbians/soft butches, and they are interested in each other. I live in the mid atlantic/north east states.

[Deborah*]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

My only experiences of butches is online B-F forums over the 15+ I have been on them. It is rare to see a butch interested another butch. “In real life”, I mainly see androgynous lesbians/soft butches, and they are interested in each other. I live in the mid atlantic/north east states.

Thanks Dapper.

Deborah

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by Deborah*

Again I'm asking.. please answer, I've been curious and would like to know.

What percent of butches do you think are attracted to femmes, and what percent are attracted to butches? To clarify, I'm not referring to this website, but the public in general.

Deborah

I doubt that anyone would be willing or able to give you a number. It varies wildly from region to region. For instance, I've met a relatively large number of butch women who partner with other butches in the Bay Area of the US, and similarly found that there are plenty of regions in the US and Canada where there just aren't very many butches of any type. At all. I really have trouble figuring that one out. Then there's the problem of self identification varying from place to place and generation to generation. In some places the women who might identify as butch don't seem at all butch to me because I'm accustomed to a specific style of presentation, and those self identified butches would never ping my radar. And then I meet younger people who I would most certainly call butch, but they would never call themselves that. They identify as genderqueer, stud, ag, MOC, or anything else as long as it's not butch. So they may look like butches partnering with other butches, but that's far from how they would categorize themselves.

I'm sorry to tell you that your question doesn't have an answer.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

I doubt that anyone would be willing or able to give you a number. It varies wildly from region to region. For instance, I've met a relatively large number of butch women who partner with other butches in the Bay Area of the US, and similarly found that there are plenty of regions in the US and Canada where there just aren't very many butches of any type. At all. I really have trouble figuring that one out. Then there's the problem of self identification varying from place to place and generation to generation. In some places the women who might identify as butch don't seem at all butch to me because I'm accustomed to a specific style of presentation, and those self identified butches would never ping my radar. And then I meet younger people who I would most certainly call butch, but they would never call themselves that. They identify as genderqueer, stud, ag, MOC, or anything else as long as it's not butch. So they may look like butches partnering with other butches, but that's far from how they would categorize themselves.

I'm sorry to tell you that your question doesn't have an answer.

Exactly. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Everything you listed.

In regards to what imperfect cupcake said about people (in this case butches), not being honest and having dates or slept with other butches, that is something that I have never considered. I think it is pretty ridiculous to not be upfront about that. I have never slept with a butch, but who the heck cares? I guess I get it though, people are so worried about what others think. Is it like a person is a "gold star butch" to have never slept with anyone but a femme?

[cathexis]

Originally Posted by Deborah*

I would like to know what percent of butches do you think are attracted to femmes? And what percent to butches?
I've always been curious about this.

Deborah

How's about a genderqueer leaning a little towards butch who is only attracted to butches and other genderqueers.

What's that do to the survey? lol

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Deborah*

I would like to know what percent of butches do you think are attracted to femmes? And what percent to butches?
I've always been curious about this.

Deborah

I don't know, I've lived in a few different countries and several citites... and the places that had dyke bars and genderqueer pubs/night clubs...

I'd say most butches had flexibility. Kinda like most people. Most butches liked tomboy femmes, some practical femmes, androgynous types, other butches of various types.
Most butches I knew, hung out with, got with, even married, had *one* butch-butch relationship in their past at the very least.

It's rare I know butches who *strictly* absolutely no exception whatsoever, EVER, see femmes. Most have shagged a butch or an androgynous dyke or had relationships with them, either when there are no femmes around, and they can't deal with screwing married straight women anymore, OR they meet an androgynous/butch dyke with "feminine" traits they recognise as attractive and they have an epiphany about relationships.

I'd say butch-femme -strictly, no exception- is not common.

that's not what people will tell you on some message boards of FB groups but I also know what people say amongst other butches and in front of femmes, and where they have actually shagged is another matter.

people have standard deviation lengths that they will allow away from core attractions. It's a matter of how wide those standard deviations are, and how many someone finds acceptable (how fluid someone is in attraction).