FTM place to vent and talk

[Greyson]

I am really tired of people telling my gf she is not really a Femme Lesbian because she is partnered with me. As if they are ordained the head honcho of "Identity." What ever a woman decides is her identity, it is not for me to say. Her identity is not dependent on how I see myself.

Yes, I have seen the things that happen to women that partner with someone like me. However for me, this is not all new. Some of the same stuff happened to my partners before I transitioned. My gender expression was never congruent with what was considered to be "normal."

For me, I have enough to figure out about the how and the why of it as to who I am


P.S. Although this thread would not be appropriate to do it in, I would like to hear from women who have dated Butches and FTMs. How varied was your experience? Were there similarities? Was it a completely different experience for you? Did your gender identity change? Did you experience invisiblity as a queer woman, femme, even more so then when you dated a self identified butch? Do you women have any concerns you would like for gender varient masculine people including FTMs, take into consideration when dating, partnering, and befriending you?

[Greyson]

Oh and one more thought to my above post.

A thread where we cannot challenge them on their experience or "cruise" them under the guise of platitudes and compliments. Maybe we just listen and think about what they are telling us.

[DMW]

Originally Posted by Hominid

Well ... yeah - I'm not really asking HOW to have sex ... just how to deal with the topic of "okay, I have to strap on to do that part" - although I'm quite sure she'll be happier with the things I'll do and the parts I'll pay attention to compared to most cis-guys, there's "that" part that I'm worried about.

To be blunt cause it is late...peruse as needed. Info for us.
http://lolajake.com/secure/

http://www.ftmguide.org/packinghard.html

Exactly, she already knows, also. So, just treat it like any other date.
But, the sooner she knows the better for the both of you.
That way she can deal with the idea in her head.
She will either like the idea or not. Deal or not deal. And then there is always feeling out the chemistry and deciding whether or not you want to even go
there with her yourself. You know. You Got this Man...but, tread lightly for
yourself. Once you go there...she may not stay away....wink

Originally Posted by Greyson

I am really tired of people telling my gf she is not really a Femme Lesbian because she is partnered with me. As if they are ordained the head honcho of "Identity." What ever a woman decides is her identity, it is not for me to say. Her identity is not dependent on how I see myself.

Yes, I have seen the things that happen to women that partner with someone like me. However for me, this is not all new. Some of the same stuff happened to my partners before I transitioned. My gender expression was never congruent with what was considered to be "normal."

For me, I have enough to figure out about the how and the why of it as to who I am


P.S. Although this thread would not be appropriate to do it in, I would like to hear from women who have dated Butches and FTMs. How varied was your experience? Were there similarities? Was it a completely different experience for you? Did your gender identity change? Did you experience invisiblity as a queer woman, femme, even more so then when you dated a self identified butch? Do you women have any concerns you would like for gender varient masculine people including FTMs, take into consideration when dating, partnering, and befriending you?

Greyson, that is so disturbing when people cannot either just get it...or accept that we are all different and or the same in various ways..
whatever anyone decides is their identity is theirs...agreed.
society will accept it or understand it or not.
accepting your girlfriends identity is all that matters for you
and i am sure that is done...try to understand her...that is all that is essential for the two of you.
Remember it isn't always a fine line... or couples don't come in perfect pairs of established (labels)...and the thing is...her identitiy is hers and yours is yours. period. Just keep being true to yourself.
you know? sorry it's late. Plus there isn't always a box or label to stuff oneself into...
we are all evolving if we are working.
I have to come back to this for sure.


I suggest you ...or we...start a new thread...seriously...one about FTM's and Femmes or whatever will answer some of your questions and help you and your girl...

I gotta check out.

Nite All

[Greyson]

Originally Posted by DMW

To be blunt cause it is late...peruse as needed. Info for us.
http://lolajake.com/secure/

http://www.ftmguide.org/packinghard.html

Exactly, she already knows, also. So, just treat it like any other date.
But, the sooner she knows the better for the both of you.
That way she can deal with the idea in her head.
She will either like the idea or not. Deal or not deal. And then there is always feeling out the chemistry and deciding whether or not you want to even go
there with her yourself. You know. You Got this Man...but, tread lightly for
yourself. Once you go there...she may not stay away....wink




Greyson, that is so disturbing when people cannot either just get it...or accept that we are all different and or the same in various ways..
whatever anyone decides is their identity is theirs...agreed.
society will accept it or understand it or not.
accepting your girlfriends identity is all that matters for you
and i am sure that is done...try to understand her...that is all that is essential for the two of you.
Remember it isn't always a fine line... or couples don't come in perfect pairs of established (labels)...and the thing is...her identitiy is hers and yours is yours. period. Just keep being true to yourself.
you know? sorry it's late. Plus there isn't always a box or label to stuff oneself into...
we are all evolving if we are working.
I have to come back to this for sure.


I suggest you ...or we...start a new thread...seriously...one about FTM's and Femmes or whatever will answer some of your questions and help you and your girl...

I gotta check out.
Nite All

Thanks DMW. Me and my gf our good and confident in our identity. I really am asking questions of femmes because I am curious as to their experience. Especially for women who have dated butches and FTMs and/or gone through a "transition" of gender with someone.

Also, I do think at times many of us (generalized us that includes FIBs, Butches, Trans Butches, and FTMs) including myself, give women partnered with us or not, lip service. Some of us do not really think about what they are saying and how things impact their lives.

Unless I/we are attracted to them in some romantic, sexual, or flirtatious way.

[DMW]

Originally Posted by Greyson

P.S. Although this thread would not be appropriate to do it in, I would like to hear from women who have dated Butches and FTMs. How varied was your experience? Were there similarities? Was it a completely different experience for you? Did your gender identity change? Did you experience invisiblity as a queer woman, femme, even more so then when you dated a self identified butch? Do you women have any concerns you would like for gender varient masculine people including FTMs, take into consideration when dating, partnering, and befriending you?

Yep....Got it....a thread for that would be great for that. i was thinking along the same lines...amongst all of this...not all of those ?'s though. Those are good. I bet the women would like to know the answers and explore the answers to this also. And have some answers. The feedback would be awesome. And i would probably listen more than anything. I don't usually go into femme space ver much.....start a thread....or ask
a woman if she is interested in starting one...that would best.
Ok, Goodnight.

[DMW]

Originally Posted by Greyson

Also, I do think at times many of us (generalized us that includes FIBs, Butches, Trans Butches and FTMs) including myself, give women partnered with us or not, lip service. Some of us do not really think about what they are saying and how things impact their lives.

Agreed, I am guilty of that ...on this site... anyway.And in my life, in some setting, i am sure... i have offended people with my words. . It is so different online though. Context is everything as was pointed out. Thinking on this myself also. Just trying to be careful with what i say. Cause it is difficult to understand what specific wording would trigger whom....there are many really. Everyone of us has buttons or soft spots that trigger possibly trigger Us. and honestly...i have learned a lot from here already.
At the expense of other peoples feelings too. and i don't like that. That is
on me to understand and hear it and recognize what those words are ...etc.
Impossible for me to know all of the words that would trigger all of the people.
That is rediculous. But, many are good to be aware of.
For me ....it is to not react unkindly..if and when i get triggered.
Because it is not really that person's issue if I have a response. That would be my issue.

[ahk]

I am in the midst of scheduling my top surgery and I sound like a bleeping idiot on the phone-- its like, I am super excited but super nervous that I am finally here at this point of my life.

If you have already had Top Surgery, what kind of things would you recommend (healing, preparing)? What kind of questions did you all ask? Who did you go to, and why?

If you haven't had surgery yet - do you plan on sometime in future? Who do you want to go to, and why?

Not sure where everyone is located, but if you are in the East coast area, I hope you all are safe, keeping warm -- and know we are thinking of all of you.

Best,

[Linus]

Originally Posted by ahk

I am in the midst of scheduling my top surgery and I sound like a bleeping idiot on the phone-- its like, I am super excited but super nervous that I am finally here at this point of my life.

If you have already had Top Surgery, what kind of things would you recommend (healing, preparing)? What kind of questions did you all ask? Who did you go to, and why?

If you haven't had surgery yet - do you plan on sometime in future? Who do you want to go to, and why?

Not sure where everyone is located, but if you are in the East coast area, I hope you all are safe, keeping warm -- and know we are thinking of all of you.

Best,

You're recovery may depend on the kind of surgery you are getting. Is it keyhole or double mastectomy?

To ask:

Get the doc to explain exactly how they are going to do the surgery.

Ask them what they recommend for recovery.

When do they want to see you after surgery? (24 hours? 48 hours?)

What are you allowed to eat before surgery? What are ok to eat 24-48 hours after surgery? a week after? and so on...

How often to change the dressing?

If double, things to consider for recovery:

Ensure you have help for the first week or two. And a good LazyBoy or similar recliner chair.

Have nothing to do for the first couple of days (I slept lots for the first couple of days). For the first couple of weeks, ensure that anything you need (say, food, water, etc.) is reachable at waist level (no lifting of items from ground and no raising of arms).

If you have dogs, ensure someone else can walk them. If they are the excitable type, you may need that person to **REALLY** wear them out so they don't jump on you.

Ensure the doc provides you with enough bandages and surgical tape. And change them according to what she/he recommends.

If you smoke, DON'T. I enjoy cigars now and again but avoided them for about two months or thereabouts to ensure healing was done without coughing.

[ahk]

Originally Posted by Linus

You're recovery may depend on the kind of surgery you are getting. Is it keyhole or double mastectomy?

To ask:

Get the doc to explain exactly how they are going to do the surgery.

Ask them what they recommend for recovery.

When do they want to see you after surgery? (24 hours? 48 hours?)

What are you allowed to eat before surgery? What are ok to eat 24-48 hours after surgery? a week after? and so on...

How often to change the dressing?

If double, things to consider for recovery:

Ensure you have help for the first week or two. And a good LazyBoy or similar recliner chair.

Have nothing to do for the first couple of days (I slept lots for the first couple of days). For the first couple of weeks, ensure that anything you need (say, food, water, etc.) is reachable at waist level (no lifting of items from ground and no raising of arms).

If you have dogs, ensure someone else can walk them. If they are the excitable type, you may need that person to **REALLY** wear them out so they don't jump on you.

Ensure the doc provides you with enough bandages and surgical tape. And change them according to what she/he recommends.

If you smoke, DON'T. I enjoy cigars now and again but avoided them for about two months or thereabouts to ensure healing was done without coughing.

Linus-

Thanks for answering so quickly-- I believe I will getting the double mastectomy (a lot larger than a key hole, for sure). I don't smoke, so I'm good there too--

I never thought about the eating thing-- thank you for suggesting.

[Sun]

Hi Guys

I could really benefit from a place to connect with other transguys too. Good idea for a thread. I love my community but sometimes feel isolated especially at times of great changes in my life.

Greyson brother, it is really hard to deal with ignorance and no one has the right to tell you or your gf what is or what is not real. Only love is real. I am very much a believer in A Course in Miracles philosophy that only love is real and this distance that humans create with each other is some illusion of the ego.

The most beautiful thing that I have ever experienced on this planet in this lifetime is loving someone. No one can take any part of that away from me. That is my Church, there is my worship experience. With her I found my heaven.

One of the teachers that I look to is Don Miguel Ruiz and The Four Agreements. Agreement #2: Take Nothing Personally...is the hardest for me but I am working on this. It is not about you, it is about them. How sad for them.

I will be back to write more when I have more time but just wanted to stop by and say hello.

Sun

[DMW]

Beautiful Post Sun,

I love the 4 agreements....got it on me always...now, i gotta keep to em better...Long day at work for this guy.
Glad you are here.
DMW

Originally Posted by Sun

Hi Guys

I could really benefit from a place to connect with other transguys too. Good idea for a thread. I love my community but sometimes feel isolated especially at times of great changes in my life.

Greyson brother, it is really hard to deal with ignorance and no one has the right to tell you or your gf what is or what is not real. Only love is real. I am very much a believer in A Course in Miracles philosophy that only love is real and this distance that humans create with each other is some illusion of the ego.

The most beautiful thing that I have ever experienced on this planet in this lifetime is loving someone. No one can take any part of that away from me. That is my Church, there is my worship experience. With her I found my heaven.

One of the teachers that I look to is Don Miguel Ruiz and The Four Agreements. Agreement #2: Take Nothing Personally...is the hardest for me but I am working on this. It is not about you, it is about them. How sad for them.

I will be back to write more when I have more time but just wanted to stop by and say hello.

Sun

[Hominid]

- Button up shirts - very hard (and bad for later scarring) to reach over your head

- you will get a list before surgery of things the doc wants you to do or not. I would ASK for a prescription for Zofran - just in case you get nauseous either from being post op, the trauma of it all, or the pain killers.

-Start taking metamucil or one of the other fiber drinks ASAP when you return. You will get constipated from the pain medicine, and that's no fun. When you are up and about, WALK - it keeps your intestines moving, is good for circulation, etc. No hiking up hills, just strolls.

- If you can recruit someone to be with you, pre-op, post-op, as much as possible, do.

-TAKE your pain medicine. You need it not just for pain, but also to rest your body. Do NOT wait until you are in pain the first day or so - just take it and sleep. After that, do not wait too long when the pain begins to take it. I'm not suggesting there's a lot of pain, most guys say there is not.

- Be sure and wear the compression shirt or ace bandage or whatever they suggest/provide. Actually, if they suggest an ace bandage, get a compression shirt (you can google it, I can't remember the people who make the more popular one). Get two, one to wear while you wash the other. They are very helpful in telling you which size to order. Keep it on, especially the first few days post-op - It will help prevent any hematomas, help the nipples to adhere, hold the incision areas close together for better healing. The longer you wear it, the better.

- Do NOT hesitate to call your surgeon at any time you have a concern. They work for YOU; you paid good money, and there is always someone covering or on call to address a concern.

Congrats!

Originally Posted by ahk

I am in the midst of scheduling my top surgery and I sound like a bleeping idiot on the phone-- its like, I am super excited but super nervous that I am finally here at this point of my life.

If you have already had Top Surgery, what kind of things would you recommend (healing, preparing)? What kind of questions did you all ask? Who did you go to, and why?

If you haven't had surgery yet - do you plan on sometime in future? Who do you want to go to, and why?

Not sure where everyone is located, but if you are in the East coast area, I hope you all are safe, keeping warm -- and know we are thinking of all of you.

Best,

[DMW]

Originally Posted by ruffryder

I've ran into femmes that aren't sure about FTMs and how they identify. They have made mistakes calling me her, she, girl.. and It blew me away.. I somehow get more upset when this happens in our own community then if a straight identifying person would mess that up. Has anyone ran into that also? and
another question to you all is, do you think femme women understand FTM better than a straight woman or vice versa? What are your experiences with this?

and.. another question yet, Who do you share that you are an FTM with and do you explain it or do you just let others assume you are butch, lesbian or a straight male or however they may view or perceive you?

I think this has to do with the level of awareness, knowledge, exposure to or with and experience that each woman has had with FTM's in general.
Whether the woman identifies as gay or straight...i am not sure that applies.

I believe that a woman will understand as much i am willing to share with her.


[Derailed thought...
My first long term relationship was with a woman who had only dated biomales...and at that time in my life i identified as butch (or just me).
I was perceived as a ...wow...I hear this overwhellming voice of hers in my head...
"But, you are so much like a guy". Very true. I always felt that way and I
always was like that. This particular woman...struggled with understanding
that...hell, i had to tell her eventually, "I guess i am gay, i am a butch and if you are seriously interested in a relationship and a future with me. Then, you need to understand that...this is how we will be perceived as a couple. A gay couple" I basically told her that she had to really understand that and accept that in order for us to move forward together as a couple. And i put a hold and break on us to give us both time.
(So odd and ironic...it is like the pot calling the kettle black in a way...
if i hadn't repressed and shoved down my feelings for so long growing up because society is so babyblue(boy) and lightpink(girl) and gotten in that...i don't know forced routine of this is how you should be...because you were born a girl...and this is how society expects you to be...(so wrong) maybe i would have snapped out of it sooner? Life gets busy for all of us too.
I was focused on school and my future and working part time during the start of that relationship...I see now (not that i haven't thought of it prior to this and since pretransition) that i needed time too. I recall now, with more reflection, that i was finishing up final exams and in the process of taking company entrance exams for my career.]


At least for me, personally, i am perceived as male and identify as male an ftm-male.
So, i explain to those whom i respect and grow to love. If i desire to and feel that they are deserving of my effort i will share more of who i am with them.
For the most part, all of my responses have been positive.
It helps grow some understanding between the relationships.

Originally Posted by Hominid

I don't tell anyone usually. I had to tell my back doctor, who was sitting and looking at my MRI (which clearly showed my hoo-ha) -he was trying to tell me that some of my symptoms might be my prostate.

In general, that is how i live my life. Perceived as male and will only come out when i deem it necessary.

This is a whole knew sphere too...i purposefully did not go to get an
MRI done for my back....because i worked at the only hospital in the city i lived in. I knew there was the possibility of outing myself there...cause of pelvic bones (xray) or the MRI soft tissue...as you point out.
I went to a chiropractor instead. But, never had tests done which should
have been. Because...i would have outted myself (to yet more people) at my work place. The whole...diagnostic, radiation, ultrasound..etc...group.
I needed that job. It was a smaller town and i didn't want to jeopardize our financial security.
Could not move from that city at the time for other reasons too.

[DMW]

Originally Posted by Hominid

- Button up shirts - very hard (and bad for later scarring) to reach over your head

- you will get a list before surgery of things the doc wants you to do or not. I would ASK for a prescription for Zofran - just in case you get nauseous either from being post op, the trauma of it all, or the pain killers.

-Start taking metamucil or one of the other fiber drinks ASAP when you return. You will get constipated from the pain medicine, and that's no fun. When you are up and about, WALK - it keeps your intestines moving, is good for circulation, etc. No hiking up hills, just strolls.

- If you can recruit someone to be with you, pre-op, post-op, as much as possible, do.

-TAKE your pain medicine. You need it not just for pain, but also to rest your body. Do NOT wait until you are in pain the first day or so - just take it and sleep. After that, do not wait too long when the pain begins to take it. I'm not suggesting there's a lot of pain, most guys say there is not.

- Be sure and wear the compression shirt or ace bandage or whatever they suggest/provide. Actually, if they suggest an ace bandage, get a compression shirt (you can google it, I can't remember the people who make the more popular one). Get two, one to wear while you wash the other. They are very helpful in telling you which size to order. Keep it on, especially the first few days post-op - It will help prevent any hematomas, help the nipples to adhere, hold the incision areas close together for better healing. The longer you wear it, the better.

- Do NOT hesitate to call your surgeon at any time you have a concern. They work for YOU; you paid good money, and there is always someone covering or on call to address a concern.

Congrats!

Great post Hominid...I don't think you left out any of the most pertinent points. Thanks for sharing. Good advice. I concur.

And Congratulations Ahk! And it is true...it isn't that painful...and it doesn't last for long either.

Do follow Hominid's advice...those suggestions are all very important.

[DMW]

I thought the BMV _ DMV was going to need my DNA and finger prints inorder for me to get a legal picture id...which i have to have here... in order to vote in this state...
"mr...*****there is someone else who has your soc. sec. #...you need to
call them and tell them....that was last week...fixed that...
Nope not them....it is your system...
Oh fun times....
registered a few months ago....cause i just moved here...
Hours and days at the license branch and plenty of paperwork and legal evidence of everything...
I am not the only one either...fuck if they were going to stop me...i was going to go to the news and make a stink just to let people know what the hell goes on. I laughed with my friend and thought...you know i have an old id...and ugh...maybe i should just dress in drag and put on a wig and see what happens....fuck me...i didn't know...

Took me three times and hours to get my mofo driver's license...Fun times..first time
i ever failed a ? on the test also...got 3 wrong. had to scramble to get the test done
before they closed yesterday...had to go back and just about whip out my pecker to get it done.
FUCK....

I was to go canvas in ohio for tomorrow.. i work monday...isn't happening
now. But, i am definately going to canvas here and make phone calls here.


http://www.thedailybeast.com/article...er-voters.html

[DMW]

Morinin peeps.

Voting ...I am wondering if anyone else here has had trouble getting their
soc. sec. ..ID ..straight etc. inorder to vote? So weird.
The poor people looked at me so confused and asked why? Long story...

I was reading another thread,in the trans zone(trans appreciation),
and it got me thinking...and thinking of loss and being a transsexual.
I realize that I experienced personal loss too.
A part of myself...and i knew i would when i transitioned.
[ For me, i had to do this because i felt like a male ever since i can recall... my own identity of self.(ex. I cut my hair at 2 years old because someone said that my curly hair was cute. )
So, i know what was best for me.]

The personal loss was losing that female butch person i loved and had grown to become. I was proud of being a strong female butch. Just proud of who i was.
I didn't want people who knew me...acquaintances...family...friends...to think that i was transitioning because i was ashamed of who i was as a female butch...or that i was ashamed of being "gay". This is one aspect of transitioning that i struggled with Big Time.

My mother's voice is in my head..."but i had a girl...i gave birth to a girl"...i remember listening to her and sharing that loss with her. I had to console her.
It broke my heart. I could the pain in her eyes.
I understand...that is the loss that she experienced.
I had to explain to her that i was the same soul...the same person...
eventually, the more i shared
with her...the more she understood.

So, before transitioning...I had to make it very clear to people that i was not ashamed of who i was as a female butch, and that was NOT any reason as to why i felt the need to transition. In fact, i struggled with the very fact that (some people) would assume or did assume that. grrr.
So, i found myself needing and wanting to explain to the obtuse. That i was not transitioning
to be a man...because i look up to or want to aspire to be like all Men
in general. It just has to do with my internal identity. my mind...my knowledge of self and self awareness...an evolution and a freedom to be closer to who i am.

Coffee...

I highly recommend this book and pamplet...for transmen and their families.
[ame="http://www.amazon.com/Trans-Forming-Families-Stories-Transgendered/dp/0615123074"]http://www.amazon.com/Trans-Forming-Families-Stories-Transgendered/dp/0615123074[/ame]

http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_...5thedition.pdf

[DMW]

Originally Posted by ahk

Actually, I am tired of being mis-gendered, being referred to as "lady" or "ma'am" -- I don't get it. My voice is significantly deeper than my wife's voice, I dress nothing like a "lady" or a "ma'am", I walk different, I hold myself more masculine, but I'm still "ma'am'd"-- What gives?

( I really feel like I am in the "betweener" stage of transition (it sucks) actually )

Originally Posted by ruffryder

Yeah I don't get that either. I can walk a mile and two different people will address me differently, one as ma'am, one as sir. . and it baffles me to hell. That's why I say I look at what I wear, what I'm doing at the moment, etc.. to try and figure it the hell out. Same as on the telephone. So now, I just try to speak deeper. lmfao! If all else fails, confuse the hell out of them!

Originally Posted by Julien

I can relate to the betweener stage as you put it. I get ma'am or sir depending on the person be it a man or woman. I think that men tend to sir me more often than women. It is embarrassing for them and awkward for me when they double check Me for sex markers ie breasts and change the sir to a ma'am. I'd be happy if they just left it like it was to begin with. Gender policing as I see it, especially in the South were ma'am and sir are used more often, than when I lived in the North.

This is such a tough time when it comes to transitioning...the best thing to do is just to try and relax and be yourself...I used to call myself a "wuzzle" because on the SAT sample test ?'s...prior to the test... that is the example that was stated over and over...A wuzzle is defined as...to mix. A wuzzle means to Mix. And it was so apropo for that time period.(I was lucky. I just cut my hair and i looked pretty male after that. I used my hair to hide and stuff the way i felt i guess. I think i was conditioned from childhood. To correct people who would call me a boy.) Anyhow, i had a girlfriend who would just look at people in a restaurant...she enjoyed whenever someone looked confused about me. She would tell me..." I just love watching their confusion and their pained faces. They are baffled" . She was right.

Dr Seuss...thing 1 and thing 2...they do it for me, also. I have a Christmas
Ornament that i am very proud of...I am a transexxual and I am proud.
And i am a wuzzle inside. No matter how i am perceived. Smile.
And I am proud of all of you guys going through this journey.

Onto to the election..

[alexri]

It's around 5:30 am right now. I should be on the way to the gym, but I am staying at home this morning so I can vote instead. My polling area is notorious for long lines and running out of ballets at night so I vote first thing in the morning.

Right now I'm fueled just on pure morning adrenaline. I hope this all comes out right.. thoughts just kinda pouring out through the keyboard.

So... first of all, I appreciate that the majority of the people on this online community can understand that someone can identify as a trans person without actually going through the transition, either by choice, because of lack of resources, because of medical restrictions, or for whatever reason. I stopped seeing a counselor who said "well if you don't want to have surgery right away, you're not trans."

Lesbian never felt right to me. It took me until I got to college to appreciate what had been there all along- a definite attraction and physical/sexual desires for females, not males. Yes I did sleep with bio males when I was in high school. I *thought* I was supposed to do that. And I did with a few, thinking *I'm supposed to like this, maybe he's just doing it wrong.* Nothing. And actually: it was revolting. And even in those relationships I was the dominant person. I wouldn't even call them relationships I think.

It wasn't until college where I finally talked to a trusted friend about how I felt. Coming from a very conservative family (who called me last night to make sure I would vote for Romney, ugh), I literally had no idea what gay or lesbian meant until someone explained it to me. And the light bulb went on! But still, even though I had started dating women, something was quite wrong. It's taken me another 10-15 years to appreciate the other part of my life that has been there all along-- the inner feeling that I am male, a male soul, male energy.

Looking back on it all, through my own thoughts and through therapy, so many signs are obvious. A lifelong revolting feeling to dresses, makeup, female-identified activities. Always automatically being the "dad" when playing house. Always playing with the boys and not the girls. Rejecting dolls for trucks. Never fitting in at school because people didn't know what to make of me. Sneaking into my parent's basement during the night, lighting candles like an altar, and then praying to god to fix me. Wondering for so long what was wrong with me. Crying for days when my menstrual cycle started because it meant I really was a girl. I have always cringed when I was called "beautiful" or "pretty." There's always been this internal lack of comfort when I am addressed by my assigned female name, so much to the point where I don't even say it when I answer the phone. I wanted to change my name as early as high school. And then there's the body dysmorphia... all the times of looking in a mirror and just breaking out into tears. Always wearing clothing that hid my body and my female curves. Wearing men's clothes for over 25 years. There's so many examples. For a while to me I thought it was being a butch. But even that wasn't right. In college I was brought to lesbian bars by groups of friends. I felt like I was in the wrong place. If only the little voice in my head that now can say "you are male" had the words for it years ago, I could have spared myself from a lot of depression, self-hate, isolation, and feelings of being unworthy. It wasn't until I started going to trans groups that I felt comfortable.

Genderqueer really didn't exist 10 years ago, and transgender rights were barely on the radar. My age group grew up with negative images of trans people (think Silence of the Lambs). Even 10 years ago I can remember fights at activism meetings about including the T in GLBT and how many people thought this group did not belong. And there are those within the T community that think that if you are not going through surgery and hormones, you are not really trans. The reality is, people like us have existed throughout societies around the world for centuries. And unfortunately too many people attacked what they did not understand. Sometimes I wonder if we adopt labels for a comfort level for ourselves, or for the comfort of others, so people know how to treat us. I am very appreciative that groups have started to move to the umbrella approach for equality, recognizing that while legally wording and labels have to be specific for protection/rights because society as a whole pigeonholes us, but in reality gender and sexual identify are much more fluid.

I feel like our society is still so rooted in male/female, pink/blue, that it doesn't know how to handle those that identify as the opposite gender, have gone through transition, are in the middle, or those who simply identify as something different than the vessels we were born in. Fortunately the world is changing much faster than ever before, and today's youth is much more open minded, understanding and accepting. I can only hope things will be much easier for the next generation, and that someday people will look back at GLBT rights and shake their heads at what took so long. And I need to turn all my pain into something positive. What can I do to make sure no other person has to suffer, to agonize, to contemplate suicide? How can I help my community? How can I stay connected? Transgender feels like the right word for me. Right now my life focus is on what I ignored for so long- self love and self respect.

My other life motto is: "be a gentleman." I picture myself being the best example of a man I can be. I unfortunately do see FTMs in the community who absorb what I personally see to be the worst characteristics of men- not treating women with respect and seeing them as equal; using derogatory words to describe women, etc. To me it's about standing up for the rights of women and for equality issues such as equal pay, abortion rights, healthcare, etc. It's about being conscious with my words and manners. It's about being respectful and protective, not because women are weak (which they are most definitely not!), but out of loyalty and appreciation. As I grow more confident about who I am, I have found myself challenging things I would be too scared to face years ago.

I saw a post in a Facebook group where someone said "I am a FTG: a female to gentleman." I like that.

Time to get up for voting/work. Sorry about my rambling here.

[DMW]

Thanks for sharing Alex. Ramble on...i dig it. I hope others will too.

I got in and got to vote. Had to go vote early... cause i was awake and genrally do that also.
My adrenaline if burning up also...I believe i have turned to cortisol. Yulk.
Nothing like voting in someone's barn. Weird...
I am grateful that my name was on the rolls and not my old one...
I was prepared to show all my id and then deal with provisionals if
necessary.

Now, i want to know about victor...infinity?


GO OBAMA BIDEN 2012

[Sun]

Good Morning All,

Is there a TDOR thread around here? I am wondering what events are goinng on around the country this year. If there is no thread I may start one. The national site is not always updated well and I really want to see this event get more visibility this year.

Thanks!