Insecurities; I worry that women won't/don't like me

dancer611 · 03-29-2012, 06:00 AM

I have always, and continue to, attract primarily straight men. Older, younger, whatever. I've been with several women, but it's harder for me to catch their interest when I'm out and about, it seems. Even if I go to a gay bar or LGBT event, butch women may or may not look me over, but don't approach me. I'm not sure if it's because they think I'm straight (is there anything I can wear/do/etc. to show I'm not?), or because I'm just not attractive to them. This has caused me to worry a lot about the future! Any advice/thoughts?

Thinker · 03-29-2012, 06:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dancer611

I have always, and continue to, attract primarily straight men. Older, younger, whatever. I've been with several women, but it's harder for me to catch their interest when I'm out and about, it seems. Even if I go to a gay bar or LGBT event, butch women may or may not look me over, but don't approach me. I'm not sure if it's because they think I'm straight (is there anything I can wear/do/etc. to show I'm not?), or because I'm just not attractive to them. This has caused me to worry a lot about the future! Any advice/thoughts?

Well, I think it would be mighty fine if *you* approached someone who caught your eye!!!

You never know unless you give it a try!

SelfMadeMan · 03-29-2012, 07:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dancer611

I have always, and continue to, attract primarily straight men. Older, younger, whatever. I've been with several women, but it's harder for me to catch their interest when I'm out and about, it seems. Even if I go to a gay bar or LGBT event, butch women may or may not look me over, but don't approach me. I'm not sure if it's because they think I'm straight (is there anything I can wear/do/etc. to show I'm not?), or because I'm just not attractive to them. This has caused me to worry a lot about the future! Any advice/thoughts?

I can only speak for myself, but when I was single and hanging out at the clubs, I sometimes felt awkward going up and asking a woman to dance, or to buy her a drink - for whatever reason. I would have loved for a woman to approach me - and some did, so I would encourage you to try! You could always send a drink over and break the ice that way - or ask someone to dance. Don't be scared to take a chance! Don't judge yourself based on whether or not other people approach you. Be confident in yourself and don't give up

aishah · 03-29-2012, 02:33 PM

i'm extremely shy and terrible at letting people know i'm interested in them, and i have exactly the same problem. *hugs* i'm not sure what the answer is (other than to try and be more comfortable with making the first move!) but i wanted to say i totally get where you're coming from and it sucks. i definitely think it has more to do with shyness/uncertainty than with whether you are attractive.

Quintease · 03-29-2012, 02:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dancer611

I have always, and continue to, attract primarily straight men. Older, younger, whatever. I've been with several women, but it's harder for me to catch their interest when I'm out and about, it seems. Even if I go to a gay bar or LGBT event, butch women may or may not look me over, but don't approach me.

You're not kicking off anyone's gaydar. Either that or you're not looking approachable.

Think of it this way:

Men find women inherently approachable, unless she's jaw-droppingly stunning or holding hands with another man. Men don't have a problem going up to a woman, it doesn't really matter what she looks like, as men have lots of different reasons for approaching different women. One could be to try his luck, or she could remind him of someone, or he could feel sorry for her (I kid you not). Irrelevant of why, most men have been brought up in a society which teaches them that it's the man's job to approach the woman.

Women on the other hand do not approach. Walking down the street or sitting in a bar women don't even meet other peoples eyes. Women have been taught that it's unfeminine, wrong or downright dangerous to approach strangers. This is something that most women have to unlearn once they come out.

To approach someone women need 3 things - Incentive (does she fancy you etc), Approachability from you (will you reject her), and Gaydar (are you a straight woman who could possibly be offended).

You have to (I'm sorry to say this) stop catching men's eyes and stop engaging men when they approach you, if you wish them to stop hitting on you. If not, continue as you are.

With women you have to catch their eye, try to engage them whenever possible, and attempt to emulate some gay behaviours, as "Gaydar" really does exist and is generally tied into non-heteronormative behaviours. So the more 'heteronormative' you are, the less gay you are going to look to others.

Good luck.

Mr Nice Guy · 03-29-2012, 02:36 PM

Well you can pass the bartender a note with a hi or something and have them pass it to the Butch you like. I just have a couple of drinks and just do it. I figure it's better to try then to wonder what if.

Electrocell · 03-29-2012, 02:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dancer611

I have always, and continue to, attract primarily straight men. Older, younger, whatever. I've been with several women, but it's harder for me to catch their interest when I'm out and about, it seems. Even if I go to a gay bar or LGBT event, butch women may or may not look me over, but don't approach me. I'm not sure if it's because they think I'm straight (is there anything I can wear/do/etc. to show I'm not?), or because I'm just not attractive to them. This has caused me to worry a lot about the future! Any advice/thoughts?

How about going up to them using your womanly wiles and say--- how about buying a femme a drink.

Chancie · 03-29-2012, 02:54 PM

I love the idea of sending over a drink.

Someone can choose a soft drink if they prefer and

The bartender can help you flirt.

dancer611 · 03-29-2012, 04:53 PM

So...can you give a girl some ideas of gay/"non-hetero" behavior? Are you talking dress? Stance? Attitude? Rainbow flags?

Gráinne · 03-29-2012, 05:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chancie

I love the idea of sending over a drink.

Someone can choose a soft drink if they prefer and

The bartender can help you flirt.

...except many people don't accept drinks like that anymore.

At the Reunion, where obviously I already knew everyone was gay, a Butch just came up and simply said "Hi, I'm _____". Simple (unless you're very shy).

Random · 03-29-2012, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dancer611

So...can you give a girl some ideas of gay/"non-hetero" behavior? Are you talking dress? Stance? Attitude? Rainbow flags?

You see a butch you think is cute...

Make direct eye contact smiling as hard as you can smile...

(As Tyra says... Smile with those eyes)

Let her/him know that you like what you see with that smile...

Once you have the butch in questions attention, mouth the word *Hi*

If she/he smiles big back and mouths *Hi* back, motion the butch over...

say the words... *You are cute, wanna dance?* or something like that...

Leaves no doubt that you are looking at the butch as a prospective partner and not just a straight girl in a gay bar for the first time...

Chancie · 03-29-2012, 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guihong

...except many people don't accept drinks like that anymore.

At the Reunion, where obviously I already knew everyone was gay, a Butch just came up and simply said "Hi, I'm _____". Simple (unless you're very shy).

Why not? The truth is I don't spend much time in bars.

I'm not very shy in general, but

It would be very hard for me to go up to a stranger to chat or ask them to dance.

I was thinking the bartender would be breaking the ice.

I did initiate contact with Pete, but

She was talking with someone I knew, and

I was with a group of friends.

Gráinne · 03-29-2012, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chancie

Why not? The truth is I don't spend much time in bars.

I'm not very shy in general, but

It would be very hard for me to go up to a stranger to chat or ask them to dance.

I was thinking the bartender would be breaking the ice.

I did initiate contact with Pete, but

She was talking with someone I knew, and

I was with a group of friends.

I don't spend time in bars, either. I should qualify my statement by saying "no one I know accepts a drink sent over; they are too afraid of tampering". I know I wouldn't.

I can't approach anyone to save my life, but if I did, I would use Random's approach.

Glenn · 03-29-2012, 07:46 PM

[QUOTE=guihong;555760]I don't spend time in bars, either. I should qualify my statement by saying "no one I know accepts a drink sent over; they are too afraid of tampering". I know I wouldn't.

I don't go to bars either, but if a bartender made the drink themself, and served it to me, or had someone they knew serve it to me, how could it be tampered with?

Gráinne · 03-29-2012, 07:54 PM

I'm just saying it's my rule that I don't accept drinks sent over. Besides my maybe irrational fear of tampering, sometimes it comes with strings attached and I don't want to invite contact.

I think we're getting away from Dancer's question

.

Lazy Daze · 03-29-2012, 07:54 PM

Its called the 2x4 syndrome, and sometimes us femmes have to just swing that board hard and pray for the best! Trust me, I worked in a male dominate environment and was asked out and flirted with by mostly men. Politely reject them, and leave it at that. You don't need rainbow flags or anything of the likes... have confidence (most butches find this very attractive), and go up to the butch and say Hi. Flirt your heart out, and if all else fails.. swing that 2x4 hard and tell said Butch you would like to go to dinner (or whatever)! There are no rules in any book that says a butch has to ask out the femme... if that were the case, many of us would still be single! lol

LaneyDoll · 03-29-2012, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guihong

I'm just saying it's my rule that I don't accept drinks sent over. Besides my maybe irrational fear of tampering, sometimes it comes with strings attached and I don't want to invite contact.

I think we're getting away from Dancer's question

.

I have had a drink tampered with and I lost a weekend because of it.

But, back to the topic...

If you are hanging out at a bar, make friends with the staff. It never hurts for the bartender to know that you are "family" AND single AND possibly looking. Additionally, they might steer away from someone that you really do not want/need to get too close to.

Soft*Silver · 03-29-2012, 08:03 PM

forget the drink. Next time s/he looks over at you, take out your hankie and drop it intentionally while looking at her/him. Smile and then turn away without picking it up.

If you want to dance, dance...

Lazy Daze · 03-29-2012, 08:06 PM

I will also add.. there are plenty of places to look for a potential partner that are Not gay bars! I don't know where you are from, but in Indiana they had "lesbian" meetings, support groups, meet n greets, through the GLBT and here in Florida they have a group called ProSuzy that has meetings, outings, dinners, potlucks, camping trips, sporting events, dances etc that are for gay women (single and couples). Just a helpful hint....

Chancie · 03-29-2012, 08:16 PM

I agree. Bars are not the only place to make friends or to meet someone special though they may be the only game in town in some places. I met Pete in a cafe, and that relaxed atmosphere suits me fine.

03-29-2012, 06:00 AM	#1
dancer611 Junior Member How Do You Identify?: High Femme Preferred Pronoun?: fairy princess :) Relationship Status: single Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: USA Posts: 20 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6 Thanked 77 Times in 13 Posts Rep Power: 1788033	Insecurities; I worry that women won't/don't like me I have always, and continue to, attract primarily straight men. Older, younger, whatever. I've been with several women, but it's harder for me to catch their interest when I'm out and about, it seems. Even if I go to a gay bar or LGBT event, butch women may or may not look me over, but don't approach me. I'm not sure if it's because they think I'm straight (is there anything I can wear/do/etc. to show I'm not?), or because I'm just not attractive to them. This has caused me to worry a lot about the future! Any advice/thoughts?

03-29-2012, 07:54 PM	#15
Gráinne Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Neither, nada, out of the box Preferred Pronoun?: My name always works Relationship Status: Happy whatever happens Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Little Rock Posts: 1,818 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,011 Thanked 7,245 Times in 1,415 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	I'm just saying it's my rule that I don't accept drinks sent over. Besides my maybe irrational fear of tampering, sometimes it comes with strings attached and I don't want to invite contact. I think we're getting away from Dancer's question . __________________ The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck

03-29-2012, 07:54 PM	#16
Lazy Daze Member How Do You Identify?: * Preferred Pronoun?: * Relationship Status: * Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: * Posts: 1,036 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,665 Thanked 2,807 Times in 745 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	Its called the 2x4 syndrome, and sometimes us femmes have to just swing that board hard and pray for the best! Trust me, I worked in a male dominate environment and was asked out and flirted with by mostly men. Politely reject them, and leave it at that. You don't need rainbow flags or anything of the likes... have confidence (most butches find this very attractive), and go up to the butch and say Hi. Flirt your heart out, and if all else fails.. swing that 2x4 hard and tell said Butch you would like to go to dinner (or whatever)! There are no rules in any book that says a butch has to ask out the femme... if that were the case, many of us would still be single! lol __________________ *In a world where you can be anything..be Yourself*

03-29-2012, 08:03 PM	#18
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,526 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,524 Thanked 15,682 Times in 3,999 Posts Rep Power*: 21474856	forget the drink. Next time s/he looks over at you, take out your hankie and drop it intentionally while looking at her/him. Smile and then turn away without picking it up. If you want to dance, dance... __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

03-29-2012, 08:06 PM	#19
Lazy Daze Member How Do You Identify?: * Preferred Pronoun?: * Relationship Status: * Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: * Posts: 1,036 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,665 Thanked 2,807 Times in 745 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	I will also add.. there are plenty of places to look for a potential partner that are Not gay bars! I don't know where you are from, but in Indiana they had "lesbian" meetings, support groups, meet n greets, through the GLBT and here in Florida they have a group called ProSuzy that has meetings, outings, dinners, potlucks, camping trips, sporting events, dances etc that are for gay women (single and couples). Just a helpful hint.... __________________ *In a world where you can be anything..be Yourself*

03-29-2012, 02:33 PM	#4
aishah Member How Do You Identify?: queer stone femme shark baby girl Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, little one Relationship Status: dating myself. Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: dallas, tx Posts: 1,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,823 Thanked 6,438 Times in 1,288 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	i'm extremely shy and terrible at letting people know i'm interested in them, and i have exactly the same problem. hugs i'm not sure what the answer is (other than to try and be more comfortable with making the first move!) but i wanted to say i totally get where you're coming from and it sucks. i definitely think it has more to do with shyness/uncertainty than with whether you are attractive.

03-29-2012, 02:36 PM	#6
Mr Nice Guy Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Kind, sweet, loving, romantic and a rare Butch. :) Relationship Status: I don't drive a Uhaul. :) Join Date: May 2011 Location: Another New Englander Posts: 1,768 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,035 Thanked 4,894 Times in 1,307 Posts Rep Power: 0	Well you can pass the bartender a note with a hi or something and have them pass it to the Butch you like. I just have a couple of drinks and just do it. I figure it's better to try then to wonder what if.

03-29-2012, 02:54 PM	#8
Chancie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: queer femme-inist Relationship Status: I'm lucky. Join Date: May 2010 Location: Western Mass Posts: 3,708 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,248 Thanked 14,391 Times in 2,680 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I love the idea of sending over a drink. Someone can choose a soft drink if they prefer and The bartender can help you flirt.

03-29-2012, 04:53 PM	#9
dancer611 Junior Member How Do You Identify?: High Femme Preferred Pronoun?: fairy princess :) Relationship Status: single Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: USA Posts: 20 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6 Thanked 77 Times in 13 Posts Rep Power: 1788033	So...can you give a girl some ideas of gay/"non-hetero" behavior? Are you talking dress? Stance? Attitude? Rainbow flags?

03-29-2012, 07:46 PM	#14
Glenn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Dear Ol Butch Bones Preferred Pronoun?: Old G Relationship Status: Too old to play. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: :rolleyes: Posts: 1,546 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,597 Thanked 3,732 Times in 1,096 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	[QUOTE=guihong;555760]I don't spend time in bars, either. I should qualify my statement by saying "no one I know accepts a drink sent over; they are too afraid of tampering". I know I wouldn't. I don't go to bars either, but if a bartender made the drink themself, and served it to me, or had someone they knew serve it to me, how could it be tampered with?

03-29-2012, 08:16 PM	#20
Chancie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: queer femme-inist Relationship Status: I'm lucky. Join Date: May 2010 Location: Western Mass Posts: 3,708 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,248 Thanked 14,391 Times in 2,680 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I agree. Bars are not the only place to make friends or to meet someone special though they may be the only game in town in some places. I met Pete in a cafe, and that relaxed atmosphere suits me fine.